Incredibly lonely, and struggling to cope.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I think it's fair to say that the problem is me. Question is - what?

Hmmm.

How about asking your closest friends what their opinion is on the matter?

You said you have a couple close friends but don't talk to much, maybe this is a perfect opportunity to!

After all, they know you best and can offer some insight. So, for instance, I've had one friend since I was about eight or nine years old, and he always had a great understanding of my personality. "Look woman, you have to get a grip on that stuff." - This is what he is going to say to you.

In other cases, I'll ask my female friends for their opinion, or sometimes they'll just tell me something without me asking, and I'm like, hit me right on the nose!

But sometimes being able to bounce ideas off each other can be very useful.

Also, consider a time when you had an issue raised about your behavior by someone. It is natural for us to entertain ideas that disprove the point that they are making. Can you also come up with examples that do prove their point? Well, if not, that's fine too. Possibly it was just something they said without any basis behind it. However, if you can agree with them, then that's good for you - now you have something concrete that you can work on.

Edited June 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I went to the bar I mentioned previously, spoke to the people I was with, and then left. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I have to admit the vast majority of the women I have dated, I have met at bars/pubs... 

I tried to rack my brain and think of other places I've met women (over the years). I compiled an abbreviated list.  Do any of these places/venues sound like (a place where) you might have better luck??  (I apologize in advance if you have already seen this list, as I've posted it for other guys)

If you would like the back story or approach I used at any of these places, just ask... I'll be glad to share.

(1) College

(2) Co-ed Sports

(3) Friend’s Party

(4) Long Bank Line

(5) Used Computer Parts Show

(6) Food Festival / Pub Crawl

(7) Through mutual friends

(8) Worked in same office building – different company

(9) Used book store

(10) Ice Skating

(11) Art Gallery (private exhibit opening)

(12) Apartment Complex Pool – current girlfriend

[Cute-Meet4848]

58 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Hmmm.

How about asking your closest friends what their opinion is on the matter?

You said you have a couple close friends but don't talk to much, maybe this is a perfect opportunity to!

After all, they know you best and can offer some insight. So, for instance, I've had one friend since I was about eight or nine years old, and he always had a great understanding of my personality. "Look woman, you have to get a grip on that stuff." - This is what he is going to say to you.

In other cases, I'll ask my female friends for their opinion, or sometimes they'll just tell me something without me asking, and I'm like, hit me right on the nose!

But sometimes being able to bounce ideas off each other can be very useful.

Also, consider a time when you had an issue raised about your behavior by someone. It is natural for us to entertain ideas that disprove the point that they are making. Can you also come up with examples that do prove their point? Well, if not, that's fine too. Possibly it was just something they said without any basis behind it. However, if you can agree with them, then that's good for you - now you have something concrete that you can work on.

Neither of them have anything bad to say about me. They've known me for years and are aware of my struggle, but they've never been able to understand, as by their observations all they can see is an affable, social guy. Hell, one of them randomly messaged me to say I was handsome the other day, after he saw a recent photo of me on social media (which is a common compliment I receive, by the way).

As for those that dislike me - generally speaking, the only people who have anything bad to say about me, are those I had to set boundaries around - these were the type to take advantage, were abusive etc. No loss there.

20 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I have to admit the vast majority of the women I have dated, I have met at bars/pubs... 

I tried to rack my brain and think of other places I've met women (over the years). I compiled an abbreviated list.  Do any of these places/venues sound like (a place where) you might have better luck??  (I apologize in advance if you have already seen this list, as I've posted it for other guys)

If you would like the back story or approach I used at any of these places, just ask... I'll be glad to share.

(1) College

(2) Co-ed Sports

(3) Friend’s Party

(4) Long Bank Line

(5) Used Computer Parts Show

(6) Food Festival / Pub Crawl

(7) Through mutual friends

(8) Worked in same office building – different company

(9) Used book store

(10) Ice Skating

(11) Art Gallery (private exhibit opening)

(12) Apartment Complex Pool – current girlfriend

I think you misunderstand my problem. I've been to parties, book stores, art galleries etc and have never met a new friend / date at these places. 

I appreciate the suggestions, I'm just not thinking that a "lack of venues" is the problem.

 

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I appreciate the suggestions, I'm just not thinking that a "lack of venues" is the problem.

Just a shot in the dark...

I was thinking a "change of scenery" might be the key.  That maybe you are not as "relaxed" at a bar/pub, as you might think you are.

That maybe some place unique (that you hadn't been to) may be a better "hunting ground" for you.

 

[Cute-Meet4848]

11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Just a shot in the dark...

I was thinking a "change of scenery" might be the key.  That maybe you are not as "relaxed" at a bar/pub, as you might think you are.

That maybe some place unique (that you hadn't been to) may be a better "hunting ground" for you.

 

Well, all I can really say is that I go to these places and nothing happens. I'll watch the event, have a drink, and that's about it. That's my experience anyway.

Edited June 2, 2022 by Cute-Meet4848

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

Well, all I can really say is that I go to these places and nothing happens.

OK... I get it.

By the way, have you done any research on "Speed Dating" events??  I know you said they were "rare" in your area.  Does that mean they only come up every couple of months??  If so, maybe sign up for the next one... not necessarily to meet anyone, but just to see how you do?? how relaxed you are?? if anyone "picks" you??  I do think it may be a good learning experience.  You might want to ask for input from the host/hostess of the event.

[Cute-Meet4848]

25 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

OK... I get it.

By the way, have you done any research on "Speed Dating" events??  I know you said they were "rare" in your area.  Does that mean they only come up every couple of months??  If so, maybe sign up for the next one... not necessarily to meet anyone, but just to see how you do?? how relaxed you are?? if anyone "picks" you??  I do think it may be a good learning experience.  You might want to ask for input from the host/hostess of the event.

I've had a look. There only seems to be one particular host in my area, and they travel across the country so it's not a regular thing. I've seen the sign-up list for the event and, well, there was probably two older women and the rest were men. So yeah, not really my demographic. It's funny you mention about asking for input though - I once had a professional observe my interactions with women at a class, and he said I was great.

I can't say I'm in the mood to date anyway. I was out earlier and saw two attractive women, and all that came across my mind was "I wouldn't stand a chance" and "I've missed out dating in my younger years". The more I talk about it here and think about it generally, I'm slowly coming to terms that it it's not meant for me.

I'm out with a new group tomorrow, just figured I'd mention it.

Edited June 2, 2022 by Cute-Meet4848

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

 "I wouldn't stand a chance"

You don't know, unless you try. 

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" -- Wayne Gretzky

4 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I'm out with a new group tomorrow, just figured I'd mention it.

Great!!  Enjoy yourself, stay positive and have fun!!

[Cute-Meet4848]

8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You don't know, unless you try. 

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" -- Wayne Gretzky

Great!!  Enjoy yourself, stay positive and have fun!!

I think it stands to reason that if I was a desirable man, I would have had a date in my twenties. 😛

I will. I always enjoy myself regardless.

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I think it stands to reason that if I was a desirable man, I would have had a date in my twenties. 😛

 

You can't turn back the clock, whatever happened in your 20's is past history.  You can only move forward through time.  Dwelling on past failures does no good.

You don't think I got rejected by women.  OMG!!  I can't count that high...  Of course, I've been "shot down", but I just pick myself up and move on to the next one.

Just a thought here, are you putting out a "negative vibe" when you talk to women??  You need to be upbeat, happy go lucky, fun to be around, etc.   Women have to want to say "yes" to a date, you have to peak their curiosity. 

[Cute-Meet4848]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You can't turn back the clock, whatever happened in your 20's is past history.  You can only move forward through time.  Dwelling on past failures does no good.

You don't think I got rejected by women.  OMG!!  I can't count that high...  Of course, I've been "shot down", but I just pick myself up and move on to the next one.

Just a thought here, are you putting out a "negative vibe" when you talk to women??  You need to be upbeat, happy go lucky, fun to be around, etc.   Women have to want to say "yes" to a date, you have to peak their curiosity. 

True, and I do try not to dwell on it, but then I end up remembering that I'm going to end up getting settled for, and that just sucks. I'd have liked to have dated around etc.

I wish I could tell you - it's hard to answer these questions because if I truly knew the answer, I (hopefully) wouldn't be here. I've never had anyone tell me such, and in fact I've heard through the grapevine that people find me to be a positive / funny person, so I don't know really.

That is, of course, if I actually meet a woman. The best way to describe it would be that, despite going out a lot, it's almost as if there's an invisible wall between myself and women of my age range.

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

...but then I end up remembering that I'm going to end up getting settled for, and that just sucks.

This is the wrong attitude to have. 

Of course, you should have your list of "deal breakers", I had mine. 

My current girlfriend had higher expectations for herself and wanted someone with more money and a better life.  I've often joked that she "Wanted a knight in shining armor that rode up on a white horse, and ended up with a rodent that drove up in an old white pickup"

Me... I wanted a woman that looked like "Christina Hendricks", but of course that didn't happen.  

I'm an average looking man that found an average looking woman.   Nothing remarkable about either of us, we are just average. 

Do you think you are setting your sights too high??  Maybe come down a notch or two and try to talk to that woman.

[Cute-Meet4848]

8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

This is the wrong attitude to have. 

Of course, you should have your list of "deal breakers", I had mine. 

My current girlfriend had higher expectations for herself and wanted someone with more money and a better life.  I've often joked that she "Wanted a knight in shining armor that rode up on a white horse, and ended up with a rodent that drove up in an old white pickup"

Me... I wanted a woman that looked like "Christina Hendricks", but of course that didn't happen.  

I'm an average looking man that found an average looking woman.   Nothing remarkable about either of us, we are just average. 

Do you think you are setting your sights too high??  Maybe come down a notch or two and try to talk to that woman.

I don't think it's the wrong attitude to have. I don't want to be the type of guy that only becomes an option when he's older, once he's established. I wanted to have fun, hook up, date etc. I never had that opportunity and it's looking like I never will.

I don't have too high standards. Hell, I don't really know what my standards are, because I haven't had an opportunity to date and see what's out there. All I know is that I'm a decent bloke and I don't know why I suffer this way.

I talk to all types of women, when I get opportunity.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I wanted to have fun, hook up, date etc.

 

I understand... you wanted to have "fun", etc. in your 20's like most men did.  My 20's, 30's and most of my 40's were a blast.  BUT...  you can't turn back time and beat yourself up for things that didn't happen.  There is no need to dwell on the past or your failure to accomplish a goal you set.

1 hour ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

 I don't want to be the type of guy that only becomes an option when he's older, once he's established.

 

Keep in mind that (some) women will also be established and have good/professional careers. In my adulthood, I mainly dated professional established women, one was a lawyer, one was a nurse practitioner, one was a college professor, one was an accountant, one owned her own business, one was an executive in a really nice company and the list goes on and on.

Perhaps I'm a bit confused are you thinking your only options will be single mothers or divorced women with children??  Personally, that was "deal breaker #1" on my list... no kids.  I'm not taking care of someone else's seed.  I never had a problem finding women without kids.

Can you clarify what you mean?? 

[Cute-Meet4848]

20 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I understand... you wanted to have "fun", etc. in your 20's like most men did.  My 20's, 30's and most of my 40's were a blast.  BUT...  you can't turn back time and beat yourself up for things that didn't happen.  There is no need to dwell on the past or your failure to accomplish a goal you set.

On the one hand, I completely agree. It's illogical to dwell on something that I cannot change. However, there will always be a part of me that will feel as if I missed out.

I've never been on holiday with a partner (or friends, for that matter).

I have no idea what it's like to kiss a stranger on the dance floor (or even, eye me up).

I will never know what it's like to date, or casually date, women in their 20's.

I've never known what it's like to live with someone, cuddle up next to them and wake up the next day.

It's heartbreaking.

20 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Keep in mind that (some) women will also be established and have good/professional careers. In my adulthood, I mainly dated professional established women, one was a lawyer, one was a nurse practitioner, one was a college professor, one was an accountant, one owned her own business, one was an executive in a really nice company and the list goes on and on.

Perhaps I'm a bit confused are you thinking your only options will be single mothers or divorced women with children??  Personally, that was "deal breaker #1" on my list... no kids.  I'm not taking care of someone else's seed.  I never had a problem finding women without kids.

Can you clarify what you mean?? 

I wouldn't date a single mother, either. Not that I don't have respect for them - it's a tough job.

The best way I can describe it is this - I'd like to think I'm a decent guy that is doing well in life. I'm fit / attractive, financially sound and have a life of my own. If women start showing interest in me once I reach my 30's, all that signals to me is that I've suddenly become a candidate because I'm the "safe" option, because nothing else would have changed.

[Cute-Meet4848]

To be honest, I might just end the discussion here. I really do appreciate the support from all of you, but there's nothing that you guys can do to help me, if we're being realistic. I needed a vent because I have no one to talk to, and I've achieved that, so I won't waste more of your time.

[LeoEnki]

On 5/15/2022 at 6:42 PM, Cute-Meet4848 said:

For dating, I've tried all the apps and never got a match. When I do go out to socialise, I very rarely meet available women, and the few I do meet are clearly not interested in me.

You need to work on yourself from a physical standpoint. Socially, from what I can tell you, you are doing okay. Dont believe anything women tell you that they arent attracted to men going to the gym because they are, period.

Hit the gym pal, talk to people in the gym, we are always up to talk. Get a little bit arrogant and humorous around women when they muscles show, they like it. This is from experience. They like being lead plus its our duty as men to do it.

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

As for those that dislike me - generally speaking, the only people who have anything bad to say about me, are those I had to set boundaries around - these were the type to take advantage, were abusive etc. No loss there.

Yes, of course.

On the flip side, criticism from others can sometimes be a good thing, since it is a great way to get feedback.

It lets you know your blind spots so that you can work on them.

Sometimes it is with good intent but poorly communicated by the other party.

[Cute-Meet4848]

1 hour ago, LeoEnki said:

You need to work on yourself from a physical standpoint. Socially, from what I can tell you, you are doing okay. Dont believe anything women tell you that they arent attracted to men going to the gym because they are, period.

Hit the gym pal, talk to people in the gym, we are always up to talk. Get a little bit arrogant and humorous around women when they muscles show, they like it. This is from experience. They like being lead plus its our duty as men to do it.

I go on a regular basis, but thanks for the tip. :)

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, of course.

On the flip side, criticism from others can sometimes be a good thing, since it is a great way to get feedback.

It lets you know your blind spots so that you can work on them.

Sometimes it is with good intent but poorly communicated by the other party.

Trust me, those people weren't the type you would want to take advice from!

[Cute-Meet4848]

Alright, so turns out I can't shut up for too long. I'm going to throw this one out here.

I went to another event earlier this week. A small get together at a pub, nothing too fancy. This was a new group in a city that I don't often go to. I chatted with them, as you do, and they generally seemed quite receptive to me. They didn't tend to initiate conversation with me as much, and I tend to be more of a listener anyway, but just like I've told you guys before, people do seem to like me... superficially.

There was a girl there that was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, and I noticed she wouldn't make eye contact with me very often, or try to initiate conversation, and she seemed to talk more to another guy. I was hesitant to talk to her for that reason, passing it off as she just didn't like me, but I still gave it a shot to talk to her, and she was receptive. Later on, she complimented my eyes, and said that I probably get that a lot. I do, and it's always just a friendly gesture.

Otherwise I danced the night away at a nightclub and no one noticed me, lol.

So, I do put myself out there and talk to people. It just never goes any further.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

There was a girl there that was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, and I noticed she wouldn't make eye contact with me very often, or try to initiate conversation, and she seemed to talk more to another guy. I was hesitant to talk to her for that reason, passing it off as she just didn't like me, but I still gave it a shot to talk to her, and she was receptive. Later on, she complimented my eyes, and said that I probably get that a lot. I do, and it's always just a friendly gesture.

Otherwise I danced the night away at a nightclub and no one noticed me, lol.

So, I do put myself out there and talk to people. It just never goes any further.

That is awesome! Thanks for sharing!

It would have been interesting to see if you had gone a step further, though, if you so desired.

But sounds like you had a great time shaking the money maker, so that's good!

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

she complimented my eyes, and said that I probably get that a lot. I do put myself out there and talk to people. It just never goes any further.

Why wouldn't you ask her out/chat/get her contact info instead of telling her "you get that a lot"?

[Cute-Meet4848]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why wouldn't you ask her out/chat/get her contact info instead of telling her "you get that a lot"?

Why would I ask someone out who showed no signs of interest? =/ That compliment was a friendly gesture, otherwise the rest of her behaviour would have been different.

Plus, I don't really want to be the guy that asks out every woman that interacts with him.

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

Plus, I don't really want to be the guy that asks out every woman that interacts with him.

Why not??  When I talked to a woman and she seemed the least bit interested (and kept the conversation going), I always asked for her number or asked her out.

3 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

 That compliment was a friendly gesture, otherwise the rest of her behaviour would have been different.

That compliment may have been her way of "flirting" with you and she wanted you to continue the pursuit. 

In my opinion, I see "that compliment" as an invitation to continue the conversation and get to learn more about one another...

[Cute-Meet4848]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why not??  When I talked to a woman and she seemed the least bit interested (and kept the conversation going), I always asked for her number or asked her out.

That compliment may have been her way of "flirting" with you and she wanted you to continue the pursuit. 

In my opinion, I see "that compliment" as an invitation to continue the conversation and get to learn more about one another...

I just see it as a friendly conversation.

I don't think so, due to the other behaviour she exhibited, and our conversations were short-lived.

Anyway, the point of my post was to (try to) articulate that I get along with people quite well, I don't know why I'm such a loner.