Men who took the initiative for divorce: what made you realize that you wanted to file?

[Will am I]

Background: struggling with my marrriage for a long time. Involved with another woman in an EA for a while, I didn't feel comfortable doing that, ended EA, and recommitted to my marriage. 

Marriage seems to bounce back very well, better than I would have expected. But instead of feeling  delighted I feel lonely and depressed.

Currently I don't understand why I am feeling so down. I got what I wanted: a better version of my marriage. But why is it not making me happy then?

 

Maybe this is just the post-infatuation loneliness because my feelings for OW are fading to the background and she's leaving a cold empty space in my heart?

But maybe it's a sign that deep down I don't want to fix my marriage?

Confused. Hoping to get more clarity if I understand what has triggered other men to choose divorce.

 

 

Edited May 18, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo in title

[glows]

Were you not going for counselling on your own as a start? I would think your feelings of malaise and general listlessness are normal after ending your affair. You're now faced with all the issues you had at the start but chose not deal with head on and have the affair instead. In fact, the feelings may be worse because you put them off and now are dealing with the vacancy of no AP. There are no instant miracles when it comes to long term relationships and marriage. Try changing your mindset a little and having more realistic expectations. 

You going back and forth on the idea of divorce is toying with another exit concept. This is the way you cope with unhappiness in a marriage, looking for exits. While I don't believe anyone should stay married if they know they want out, you will have to be more proactive and motivated to fix your marriage if you've made that decision to do so. Stop looking for ways to escape. 

There was also advice about speaking with a lawyer so that you have the legal information needed should you file. An online forum will not provide you with the adequate legal advice in your jurisdiction for divorce. 

As I read it you're frustrated and need an outlet. Be more productive and constructive with your time, not destructive with your thoughts. If you've made up your mind to work on your marriage practice more resolve and avoid thinking of escapes.

 

[Will am I]

I think you have a point when you call me out for playing with exit concepts. 

The legal side: I roughly know what to expect in terms of property division, alimony, child support, visitation rights and coparenting. If I need more details I will consult a lawyer. But the exact outcomes of that consultation are not needed for a stay/go decision. So that's not on my list now.

 

[central]

Why did I initiate divorce?  A long term sexless marriage, and her being increasingly critical.  I'd done everything I could to fix things - she didn't.

Anyway, I was immediately happier when I moved out, soon had a variety of amazing sexual partners, and before long met my next wife.  After 22 years, we still have an amazing and frequent sex life, and genuinely like and love each other.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

I think you have a point when you call me out for playing with exit concepts. 

The legal side: I roughly know what to expect in terms of property division, alimony, child support, visitation rights and coparenting. If I need more details I will consult a lawyer. But the exact outcomes of that consultation are not needed for a stay/go decision. So that's not on my list now.

 

The root of this is fear of rejection from your wife. If you go all in 200% working on the marriage, she may still continue neglecting you or you may fear you feel the same way. It's very cyclical and it doesn't move forward or give hope/chance for the marriage at all. Dedicate yourself to your marriage if you're going to stay in it.

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Will am I said:

 I got what I wanted: a better version of my marriage. But why is it not making me happy then?

Do you have a good sense of what would make you happy?  If so, is that something you can ask for?

It's not reasonable (for most people) to expect a LTR to feel like "new love". Different brain systems, neurotransmitters are being triggered. New love is (more strongly) "romantic/sexual"; LTRs are (more strongly) "familial" even when there is consistent romance and sex, etc.

There seem to be people who chase "new love" through most of their lives and tend to leave relationships after a few years. To me that isn't particularly worthy of emulation, but to each their own - it's their life to do what they feel makes them happy I suppose.

Generally, I don't think you want to "judge" your LTR in relation to an affair. They are rather different things.

Is it possible you're simply mildly depressed/breakup blues?

Edited May 17, 2022 by mark clemson

[Loyalty XX]

7 hours ago, central said:

Why did I initiate divorce?  A long term sexless marriage, and her being increasingly critical.  I'd done everything I could to fix things - she didn't.

Anyway, I was immediately happier when I moved out, soon had a variety of amazing sexual partners, and before long met my next wife.  After 22 years, we still have an amazing and frequent sex life, and genuinely like and love each other.

 

[Loyalty XX]

I'm just wondering what made you cheat on your wife in the first place and dose she know about the affair because I know relationships can be difficult but what made you go one step further. (No judgment) just wondering ! 😊

[BrinnM]

Unless there are major relationship issues, which I might be missing, you sound like you want to enjoy some freedom after a long time of being tied down in a relationship. Which is fine. You’re not alone. Not saying it is “fair to your wife”, who might be completely fine in the marriage, but you yourself are apparently in the stage of FOMO. And your EM has given you a sweet taste of what’s out there.
 

But no matter which way you slice it – it sounds like you’re not entirely happy in your relationship, so it will depend on how much of a risk taker you are. A divorce is always a risk. Like every change. Like eg a job change. You never know what’s coming next. But if you don’t jump the ship you will always wonder what you may be missing. And honestly I don’t think this feeling is going to go away.

[Woggle]

I caught her in bed with another man but I should have done it sooner because of her abuse.

[Will am I]

13 hours ago, glows said:

The root of this is fear of rejection from your wife. If you go all in 200% working on the marriage, she may still continue neglecting you or you may fear you feel the same way. It's very cyclical and it doesn't move forward or give hope/chance for the marriage at all. Dedicate yourself to your marriage if you're going to stay in it.

I'm giving it my best effort and it's paying off in terms that she seems to be becoming more and more attached to me (emotionally and physically). Looking at the situation, I think we're already in a better place than before I fell in love with OW. And it seems as if there is even more potential. So I am grateful and happy. But I don't always feel grateful and happy. It's hard for me to fully understand my negative feelings now. Maybe I feel as if I just won a gold medal and are now feeling depressed because there doesn't seem to be a next, higher goal.

There's a lot of possible factors determining these feelings. Could it be depression flaring up? Could it be the empty feeling of falling out of love with OW? Is this a midlife crisis thing? Of am I realizing that maybe this marriage is not what I'm chasing anymore?

This will be food for private conversation with a therapist (waiting lists are long now). I opened this topic to investigate the 4th possible cause from that list: what would cause a man to see that he's done with his marriage (and is that something that applies to me)? 

13 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Do you have a good sense of what would make you happy?  If so, is that something you can ask for?

Currently I'm not sure. There's a million things that make me happier and a million other things that make me unhappier. I know by motivators and demotivators but miss focus.

13 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Generally, I don't think you want to "judge" your LTR in relation to an affair. They are rather different things.

Is it possible you're simply mildly depressed/breakup blues?

Fair observations. 

Falling in love is the best feeling but always temporary.

And indeed, breakup blues. I miss (adorable, exciting) OW. Spending my time with her was never a good thing to do (actually it was a very bad thing to do on so many levels), but boy it was nice.

 

9 hours ago, Loyalty XX said:

(quoting) Why did I initiate divorce?  A long term sexless marriage, and her being increasingly critical.  I'd done everything I could to fix things - she didn't

That applies only very partially. I too am working to fix things and be a better version of me. The words "she didn't" resonate a little bit, because I still have a few very old resentments where I feel mistreated and that I want her to face in due time. But I'm nowhere near the position suggested in this text: finished fixing everything on my side and seeing no movement on the other side of the marriage. 

 

9 hours ago, Loyalty XX said:

I'm just wondering what made you cheat on your wife in the first place and dose she know about the affair because I know relationships can be difficult but what made you go one step further. (No judgment) just wondering ! 😊

I can't fully explain but deep down I must have been looking for new friendships and a new spark of joy. Bored, lonely. Not necessarily looking for a romantic spark, but some fun and a sense of being alive I guess describes my motives at the time.

Let me share the story of how the EA developed. It may reveal about my motives better than I can explain.

I never made deliberate and premeditated steps to find an affair partner, no Tinder and no dating sites. But when she presented herself in the direct messages section of a forum on a website, my heart was wide open. (the website was about a shared hobby/interest, nothing near romantic or sexual). OW has a few emotional wounds that cause her to cross boundaries easier than I would have expected, and there seems some blurring beteen friendlyness and romance and between affection and sex. That shifted the tone of conversation from friendly to romantic to downright inappropriate, and me... I happily went with the flow and excitement of the situation instead of cooling things down and asking OW to back off.

The situation was developing for a few weeks, but after the initial excitement I got more and more uncomfortable and at one point cut it off because it was becoming clear that this was not the direction that I wanted to go in. At that time some clarity started coming back after a hormone ride that was very cloudy in my head.

In the mean timehad  I fallen in love with OW, despite the fact that she was a poor match on so many levels. Had I been more intentional and deliberate, and used a dating website to go out and look for a partner, she would have never made it through my search filters. For one, way too young, not even 10 years older than my daughter.

But in these incremental steps it is possible to totally fall for someone who you wouldn't even have considered a possible match on a first glance. The large age difference was actually a reason why I didn't recognize any romantic intent on the side of OW before it was too late. Of course there were the obvious hints in her language and emoticons, but I downplayed those to difference in age and native language. Also the speed at which it could happen, these things took my by surprise.

 

On to the "coming out". What gave me the balls to tell my wife is that I had made a list of my priorities. 

For me the list looked like this: building a better version of the marriage was my favourite outcome. My #2 choice would be divorce and my #3 choice would be to stay in the marriage if it would not improve. It was only when I realized this order, with divorce higher on the list than continuing on the old foot, that I came to the point that I had nothing to lose. I told my wife what had happened, without throwing all the details on the table but mentioning that I would gladly answer any question she would have. 

She did inquire how I could be so stupid to fall for such a young woman. I explained how it happened in small increments. She went through a brief phase where she was angry with OW. I was firm on this one: I said she has no business with OW (which could have been any woman) and should direct her anger at me. Which she reluctantly accepted. When my wife wanted to know the identity of OW, I refused. Al other questions I will answer openly. She asked for details only twice, the questions aimed mostly as "what did you do" and not so much at "what did you like about her". To me the latter would seem a much more relevant question, because it could reveal your spouse's private feelings about your marriage. But I decided my wuife is in charge of what she wants to know so I am answering as she asks.

 

8 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Unless there are major relationship issues, which I might be missing, you sound like you want to enjoy some freedom after a long time of being tied down in a relationship. Which is fine. You’re not alone. Not saying it is “fair to your wife”, who might be completely fine in the marriage, but you yourself are apparently in the stage of FOMO. And your EM has given you a sweet taste of what’s out there.
 

But no matter which way you slice it – it sounds like you’re not entirely happy in your relationship, so it will depend on how much of a risk taker you are. A divorce is always a risk. Like every change. Like eg a job change. You never know what’s coming next. But if you don’t jump the ship you will always wonder what you may be missing. And honestly I don’t think this feeling is going to go away.

I feel that my wife is a dedicated wife and a good mother to our children. We have no really big issues in the marriage, I think most people around us think of us as a happy couple. 

Looking from the inside, I feel the relationship has good elements, but it never fully blossomed.

I have felt "arms lengthed" by my wife numerous times over a long period of time. I think in some areas she had or has major issues opening up (which I blame on her childhood and upbringing but I'm not a therapist). Her arms lengthing me or being overly judgemental early on in the relationship had caused me to check out of some areas and gradually increase my "private space" at the expand of "shared space" (I have no better way of bringing this under words). At one point it was me being lonely in my private space but not able to get that message through.

I don't think a divorce would be the road to happiness either. There's all kind of concerns about maintaining a good working relationship with the ex wife, coparenting, housing,. Looking forward at the prospect of remarriage: availability of good new life partners, the extra concerns regarding compound families etc. Maybe 10 or 15 years in the future things would be easier to tear the marriage apart and start something else (main factor: no more children at home). But now it seems like a lot of stress and not necessarily a happy outlook.

But then, other men have chosen to end their marriages too. They must have faced similar concerns and yet decided to push through. That's why I wrote on this section of the forum: to understand what drove them to to it.

 

10 hours ago, Woggle said:

I caught her in bed with another man but I should have done it sooner because of her abuse.

That's a short and clear answer.

 

Luckily the part about another man doesn't apply to ourt marriage.

 

My wife is not abusive. She was early on in our relationship, I say looking back. I would do something wrong and she'd be unable to express her hurt feelings in an appropriate manner. At these times she could get verbally and a few times even physically violent. She never physically hurt me, but I've seen a few plates flying and one time in frustration over me not giving into her demands she broke a glass table by kicking it.

Frankly the cause of the conflict was often me (needing to adjust myself to be in a serious relationship and coming out of single life). In these situations I can only blame her for inappropriate reactions but not for the episode itself. But there have also been a few instances where she would make demands that I considered unfair and got aggressive when she didn't get her way. Those are on her.

There is a root of trouble there. I'm a conflict avoiding person. My wife, not so much. And she's had her boundaries crossed frequently as a kid; I've later learned of the dynamic that kids whise boundaries aren't respected grow up into adults who have trouble respecting other peoples' boundaries. Combine conflict avoiding on one side and boundary crossing on the other side and you see the dynamic where one person is pulling back from the relationship and increasing hir/her private space.

That dynamic has haunted us.

[glows]

So you did tell your wife about the affair. That was a massive risk you took and both of you are now free to decide whether you want this marriage.

As I mentioned, have more resolve and purpose in your marriage and practice resiliency. You're opposed to divorce at this time so getting caught up in your feelings isn't all that constructive, to be frank. This is an incredibly tense and difficult time right now while you just exposed your affair, to what extent we don't know, but there's bound to be a level of discomfort and questions about whether either of you will come out on the other side. 

 

 

[Will am I]

Thanks for replying @glows (and everyone else, I think I forgot to thank you in my previous post)

Indeed, I’m not into divorce. But I am also on a road where I start to learn that I may have more old resentment than I realized before.

If I would be back in our engagement now, with my current values, knowledge and sense of self esteem, probably I would not have married my wife.

That thought makes it difficult to fully commit. The solution is obvious: to let go of these old resentments. But I feel that I am only prepared to do so if I get at least acknowledgement from my wife for her part in it.

[glows]

1 minute ago, Will am I said:

Thanks for replying @glows (and everyone else, I think I forgot to thank you in my previous post)

Indeed, I’m not into divorce. But I am also on a road where I start to learn that I may have more old resentment than I realized before.

If I would be back in our engagement now, with my current values, knowledge and sense of self esteem, probably I would not have married my wife.

That thought makes it difficult to fully commit. The solution is obvious: to let go of these old resentments. But I feel that I am only prepared to do so if I get at least acknowledgement from my wife for her part in it.

You will probably have to gauge the situation with that one. You've more or less scraped by with an affair and it would seem a little rich to keep holding onto grudges and resentments or allowing it to slowly trickle into the marriage, creating a constant sense of unease. I thought that once the affair was exposed you might have told her all your thoughts and issues with the marriage, ripping it off like a bandaid so to speak. I have to say that the breaking of objects is fairly disturbing. If anyone has ever been beside a violent spouse or someone with aggression/anger issues, those behaviours will destabilize any relationship or bond and give question as to how far that person is willing to act out their frustrations.

I'm sorry all this is happening. 

 

[Will am I]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

You will probably have to gauge the situation with that one. You've more or less scraped by with an affair and it would seem a little rich to keep holding onto grudges and resentments or allowing it to slowly trickle into the marriage, creating a constant sense of unease. I thought that once the affair was exposed you might have told her all your thoughts and issues with the marriage, ripping it off like a bandaid so to speak. I have to say that the breaking of objects is fairly disturbing. If anyone has ever been beside a violent spouse or someone with aggression/anger issues, those behaviours will destabilize any relationship or bond and give question as to how far that person is willing to act out their frustrations.

I'm sorry all this is happening. 

 

I was planning to fix everything on my side first and only then contront my wife that she has ownership for some of this too. It seemed like the most respectful approach.

But as we are progressing, I am starting to doubt that choice. Some of the old memories are slowly coming back and they're getting in the way of my motivation.

 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I was planning to fix everything on my side first and only then contront my wife that she has ownership for some of this too. It seemed like the most respectful approach.

But as we are progressing, I am starting to doubt that choice. Some of the old memories are slowly coming back and they're getting in the way of my motivation.

 

Since you've picked the way you want to go, stick with it and see where it takes you. The only issue I see with this is giving the false impression that you are committed to the marriage when you are not.

[Will am I]

Then sometimes when I feel alone and stuck with my dark feelings, my wife comes through.

Last night she arranged completely on her own for her parents to come babysit for a while so the two of us to go out for an ice cream. I know it's only a little thing, but it feels very significant. For so many years she was next to never the one to initiate these one on one moments. 

It made me much more hopeful. These kind of gestures could probably make me fall back in love.

 

 

[glows]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

Then sometimes when I feel alone and stuck with my dark feelings, my wife comes through.

Last night she arranged completely on her own for her parents to come babysit for a while so the two of us to go out for an ice cream. I know it's only a little thing, but it feels very significant. For so many years she was next to never the one to initiate these one on one moments. 

It made me much more hopeful. These kind of gestures could probably make me fall back in love.

 

 

Did you tell her that it meant a lot to you? Kiss and hug her and show her how you feel. I know keeping a marriage alive can be a struggle, especially the longer time passes. Keep trying and engaging with one another. The spark is still there for both of you.

[Will am I]

I did thank her, but let me do it again to be sure :)

The episode made a unexpected big change in my emotional state. It was only ice cream but somehow it means much to me that she took initiative and arranged it all by herself.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

I did thank her, but let me do it again to be sure

The episode made a unexpected big change in my emotional state. It was only ice cream but somehow it means much to me that she took initiative and arranged it all by herself.

That's good to hear. Try to be more proactive about improving your own emotional state too. Our partners can't always be there and it's truly our own responsibility to make sure we're feeling healthy to start. I'm aware you both have existing issues. Find some balance.