FWB of 6 months (seeing her tonight need fast thoughts!

[Dash23]

Hello everyone! (I'll write a shorter version below too as I'm really hoping for people's thoughts),

I've had a great FWB situation (I'm 42, shes 38 if that matters) with someone for 6 months now. She lives an hour away but would be in my city often so a lot of "fun" was had - Along with many easy to get along with conversations, good banter, fun texting and even a few very intriguing experiences. And it has continued as JUST that for 6 months, which has been perfect.

A few months back, we had a brief several day stint we didn't text and she wasn't in town for a few weeks either.  I definitely made a point to make a trip to visit her and she even remarked "if I didn't know any better, I would say that you miss me a little".  And I responded that "of course I do, you're awesome company".  We hang out at her place for several hours, it's great/fun as always and even pretty much boarder line cuddle watching a movie (a first).  Point here being, that this was the first alarming sign of 'hey you were clearly bothered by not seeing/hearing from this girl for a bit'.

Fast forward several weeks after that, we've been texting but busy not visiting each others cities.  She recently invited me to her place during her bday week, which I unfortunately couldn't make.  She's still been messaging and even flirting up until recent like early May.  On Monday I thought to myself 'My birthday is tomorrow, Hell, Ill see if she's up for me visiting her now and making it up for both our bdays'

But she dropped the bomb on me that she kind of started seeing someone and although it's early days, she's really digging the vibe  so she has to stay true to herself and focus on that.  She made it clear it wasn't a goodbye to me and not to be a stranger but that obviously the 'fun' part of our relationship will be different for a while.

Normally I'm fine after a fwb situation ends, but this has left me absolutely rattled for the last 3 days (affecting me in every way...sleep, appetite, fogginess, constantly on mind....basically like the feelings of an actual break up).  

Coincidently, I just found out she's in town right now and she's going to drop off something I forgot there.  I feel absolutely compelled to have to tell her in one way shape or form the effect it's had on me because she is awesome and deserves to know (like I said this very heavy feeling rarely happens to me).  I'll obviously be wishing her good luck and may start by playfully asking her if she thinks we would have ever worked, but part of me also wants to also lay it on somewhat thick since she's 10 ish days into seeing this guy and so that she REALLY  knows how I feel because I honestly don't think she really has a strong clue about it.

Curious on all your professional thoughts!, male and female, people who have been on both sides.  Would you want to know the truth even if it's too late? Am I just being greedy?  I'm not expecting it to change anything, but letting someone know how they really made you feel is better than the what if's of not doing so? The older I get, the more it seems to make sense to say it as you truly feel and let the chip falls and cookie crumble as it may? Rather than having "what if's" eating away at you. 

 

TOO LONG DIDN'T READ:

-Awesome 6 month FWB, with many check marks that hit for getting along great (it wasn't broke so both of us seemed not not to try push it to anything more it seems...)

-She just started seeing someone new (10 ish days, very new) and wants to stay true to herself and focus on that, so our friendship dynamic will change for now. 

-I've been extremely rattled by it for 3 days (this never happens to me with other long FWBs ending) and I'm sure she doesn't have much of a clue how I'm actually feeling.

-She actually is in town and said she'd drop off something I forgot at her place.  I feel compelled that to tell her, and she deserves to know the effect she's had on me for being so awesome, I'll wish her luck, but part of me knows I may be being greedy in planting that seed in her head to make sure she knows in case of down the line they don't work out as its very new with her and new guy.  

-Go all in and tell tell her what's up? Keep it light but allude to it?  Bury it and shut my mouth (let's be honest, I won't be doing this option haha)

 

[Mrin]

You caught feels. It happens. Are you wanting a real relationship with her? If 100% yes then you need to be really vulnerable. Tell her and offer the real-ass relationship to her. But you have to be 100% in. 

Otherwise you need to just wish her well and not play any of these reindeer games. It's manipulative and not fair to her when she has been completely fair and transparent to you. It's also a very douchey thing to do because unless you are willing to offer her a real relationship you are just stringing her along and trying to cock block this other dude.

Best of luck!

Mrin

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, Dash23 said:

-Go all in and tell tell her what's up?

Well, what IS up? Because I’m not sure whether you want a real relationship or not. I think you like her enough but I’m not sure that you are serious enough to want a “real” relationship with her. You may have just gotten a little bit triggered because she told you that she is now interested in somebody else. Doesn’t mean you’re ready for a relationship with her. But would you consider continuing a friendship with her? 
 

 

[basil67]

I think this is about wanting what you can't have.  

Seeing each other for six months is more than enough time to figure out if there was a special something which could be turned into a relationship. But it didn't happen and in all your descriptions of the lovely times you spent together, you make no mention of having strong romantic feelings for her. It seems that neither of you have wanted it enough to approach the topic while you were hooking up. 

I would advise against confessing your feelings now.  It's unfair to dump this on her now and frankly, would look manipulative.  And assuming she doesn't feel the same she will have to cut you out of her life out of respect for the new boyfriend.  That said, she may have to cut you off anyway because not many people want ex FWBs hanging around.  

In regards to saying how we truly feel, we must remember that our words always come with consequences.  It's one thing for you to accept the chips falling where they do, but what about the feelings of the other person?  

Edited May 19, 2022 by basil67

[glows]

It sounds more likely to me that she friendzoned you months ago and you were a timepass until the real deal would come along. There's a strong possibility she's never considered you anything but an fwb so whether you tell her how you feel or not won't change her mind. 

Along those lines, I'm neutral as to the advice of whether you ought to tell her how you feel. It may make zero difference as she doesn't see you as boyfriend material. 

It looks a bit desperate if anything so if I were in your shoes, I personally wouldn't. I'd be the gentleman and let the lady enjoy what she just found with someone else. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm with the "Don't Do It" camp. 

Confessing your feelings now isn't likely to change anything. If she felt the way you did, you'd know it by now and she wouldn't have started dating someone else. She probably already knows how you feel, honestly. She sensed that you missed her and wanted to see her; she can read between the lines. We ladies are intuitive like that. 

 

[kamani]

5 hours ago, Dash23 said:

She recently invited me to her place during her bday week, which I unfortunately couldn't make. 

 

 

You missed out on here. To me it looked like she was testing you for a while, and if you were really interested, you could go. 

You have said a lot, but you haven't said if FWB terms were agreed and how it started. Was any of you looking for an actual partner?

 

5 hours ago, Dash23 said:

She made it clear it wasn't a goodbye to me and not to be a stranger but that obviously the 'fun' part of our relationship will be different for a while.

 

 

This is slow let down.

She didn't want to ask for more, press you for more and seemed cool about whatever she got. However she wasn't OK with this random sex to get her needs met, and was not sitting around. Sorry dude, someone else stepped up their game.

"Busy" means you guys prioritised other stuff over this, until someone else came along and opened your eyes.

I would advise against telling her now, she is focussed on the other guy. However it is only the start now, who knows it would work or not. Pass the ball to her court and askl her to contact you whenever she wants. Check again in few weeks and you can ask her how things are going in her romantic life and if the relationship is progressing.

I am female, if you are wondering.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Dash23 said:

But she dropped the bomb on me that she kind of started seeing someone and although it's early days, she's really digging the vibe  so she has to stay true to herself and focus on that.  

That's ok. FWB is a temporary set up and usually someone gets hurt in the end because it's a nebulous situationship.

All you can do is move forward and next time if you want to see someone regularly consider dating, rather than any open, loose or confusing arrangements.

Edited May 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, Dash23 said:

-Go all in and tell tell her what's up? Keep it light but allude to it?  Bury it and shut my mouth (let's be honest, I won't be doing this option haha)

I'm of the opinion that there is nothing wrong with confessing your feelings, as long as you know your feelings are genuine and you're not just having competitive feelings that she has chosen to date someone else. If that is the case, let her go. If you have genuine feelings for her and are interested in pursuing a relationship, let her know. Just make sure your actions are for the right reason. 

[flitzanu]

historically i've always been the over-romanticize type, go big or go home, pour it all out, but...no.

if i've learned anything, throwing your last minute effort at, well, the proverbial last minute, is unfair to her and unfortunate to put somoene in that position.  

you've had six months to speak a word of these feelings and you didn't, and haven't, and suddenly when your turf is contested you want to unburden your soul on her. 

it may feel honest, you may believe that you're true, real, want her, etc.,  BUT....doing this play at this particular time, is never going to seem 100% honest and there can always be that question from her or anyone else that you did this BECAUSE of the other guy, not because your soul was overpouring with desire to have her as your gf.

 

the strong move?  you smile and wish her well, and keep your pain to yourself (and anyone except HER) about it, and if she comes back single in the future, then you revisit this moment you're feeling.

[Dash23]

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for their always awesome insight, it is always greatly appreciated.  Although I agree with mostly everyone's rational advice and opinions on what they think is going on, I feel @kamani's assessment is most on point as she was proactively inviting me out a few times during her bday week and even mentioned catching up on a show, which was all quite recent.  Many of you asked some specific questions of the overall situation, which I think will be addressed in the update - keep in mind I did end up talking to her before I was able to read all of your responses in time.

Update (it went pretty much as I expected it would all around):

I tried to keep it as light as possible as I knew it wouldn't change anything but wanted to make myself clear.  I told her since it was too late now anyhow and is pretty much safe to banter about at this point, if she ever wondered at any point if it would have worked between us if we would have pushed it further. She did admit that she had given it thought. But she said since we initially agreed to start respectfully casual, and that it seemed it worked well that way, that we both seemed to keep that tone.  I agreed, and told her hindsight is 20/20 and I would have done things differently. She also mentioned she doesn't see herself moving back again to the city (we're an hour away).  I joked later on that it's not far in the grand scheme of things considering my best friend lives 8 minutes up the road from her as well. When I asked her how many times she thought I've been raddled in the past from a casual relationship ending, she had no clue and just guessed "I don't know, all the time??" -  I told her I could count on one hand how many times in all my years. 

That's when I eventually opened up more/became more vulnerable in telling her how much it affected me those several days (even with sleep, normal appetite, the hazy days) while I reflected. I talked about how so many of our boxes checked off and it was incredibly easy with us on so many levels, interests, things in common, etc.  I told her I regretted not getting my ass out there during her bday week regardless of how busy I was, and by the time I was going to make the trip 2 weeks later for my bday to share it together it was too late since she dropped the 'seeing new guy' bomb. She said who knows what's going to happen but if there's something to learn from all this maybe it's that I need to open myself up to more next time. (Easier said than done as the feeling rarely happens for me anyhow to act upon it).

I told her I wanted her to know how awesome she had been and the effect she had on me as it's so rare on my end. And that it had way more of a positive effect on me than just supercharged 'hookup/casual encounters'.  I also said that this wasn't meant as some sort of ruse to get her thinking about me instead of the new guy and wished her good luck, but that I'd be lying if there wasn't a small part of me that hopes she does in the event he starts showing red flags. When I asked her if she really had much of a clue especially considering how our most recent convo had still been the usual playful type, she said she didn't and was surprised to hear this.  We then casually talked about other regular stuff and agreed it would be fun grabbing drinks together when I visit my friend by her down the line as our friendship dynamic is different now and her and I get along so well. 

I know many people think will think futile, desperate, manipulative, terrible timing, etc. based on your responses above.  But I highly doubt there was any harm causing her to go back after the conversation having profound thoughts based on what I said considering she has a new exciting focus on a new guy anyhow.  Maybe I'm delusional in thinking it wasn't harmful, but that's my genuine feeling. We said not to be strangers, but whether or not, and I'd be somewhat surprised, if it becomes a case of her feeling the need to eventually remove myself from her life entirely down the line remains to be seen.

 

 

 

 

[glows]

I think it's more harmful to you than to her, if that's what you're meaning. As I mentioned earlier she doesn't seem to think of you that way (with much depth or feeling) and she mentioned for you to open up more in future. It suggests to me that her feelings were never as deep and she categorized you as such early on - perhaps not exactly as only a friend type of "friendzone" but certainly nothing more than fwb. 

I would take the cue and move on with your life, find a woman you feel strongly about and contemplate what she said about being more open and clear about what you want in the long term if it's a meaningful relationship. Don't settle for fwb indefinitely. Similarly, don't settle for just a friendship with her indefinitely. Get a move on and start the next chapter of your life.

[flitzanu]

On 5/24/2022 at 1:02 PM, glows said:

I think it's more harmful to you than to her, if that's what you're meaning. As I mentioned earlier she doesn't seem to think of you that way (with much depth or feeling) and she mentioned for you to open up more in future. It suggests to me that her feelings were never as deep and she categorized you as such early on - perhaps not exactly as only a friend type of "friendzone" but certainly nothing more than fwb. 

I would take the cue and move on with your life, find a woman you feel strongly about and contemplate what she said about being more open and clear about what you want in the long term if it's a meaningful relationship. Don't settle for fwb indefinitely. Similarly, don't settle for just a friendship with her indefinitely. Get a move on and start the next chapter of your life.

agreed.

there's nothing "wrong" with what you said, and i can't really explain this without it sounding like it is a "game" except it is.  you dumped your feelings on her, and now she literally has to act accordingly when interacting with you, whether it means she distances because she doesn't want to "lead you on" or whatever, but she will act differently now because she has to.  

again, i know it feels freeing to pour your heart and like you aren't keeping secrets, but, she now has the power.  all of it.  she can have you in the snap of her fingers, and you told her she can.

i hate to say, from the convo you described, she said nothing other than common courteous responses, as in, she said nothing indicating she "wanted it too" so don't analyze "who knows what the future will bring" because it means "that's not the future i'm picturing, otherwise i'd say so"

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/24/2022 at 7:29 PM, Dash23 said:

We said not to be strangers, but whether or not, and I'd be somewhat surprised, if it becomes a case of her feeling the need to eventually remove myself from her life entirely down the line remains to be seen.

If she and this new guy become a more solid and consistent thing, I think you should expect she will drift away from you. 

She might not remove you altogether, but it would be normal and healthy for her to keep her distance if she has a boyfriend. So my guess is that it wouldn't be an abrupt departure from your life, but a gradual fade over time. 

Now you have said your piece, and it appears she took it in stride but doesn't reciprocate. It would therefore be a good idea for you to take some space from her now. You need to give yourself time for your feelings to fade so you can move on.