New relationship, annoying FWB issue

[slippinglimpse]

I'm newish to the dating scene (long term marriage followed by a long term long distance relationship--then four years not involved in one),  so please bear with me regarding my ignorance regarding the FWB factor.

I've met someone I really like, and he really likes me.  We have a lot of fun together,  and have spent long weekends enjoying one another.  We have known one another for three months and he has made it very clear how much he wants to be around me.

Before we became intimate, I asked him if he was seeing anyone else.  He told me about a FWB. He explained what that meant to him, someone he wanted to have sex with but didn't want to wake up to. Why--because  they run out of things to talk about. He said he was always honest. I asked when was the last time he was with her and he said March.  I told him I am only interested in having sex with one person, I would not be involved with anyone having sex with others.  That if that was something he needed he was welcome to it but it wouldn't be with me.  

He assured me that he had "differentiated me when he met me and that was not a factor".

I have no doubt he is into me, if anything our only impasse has been how much more he wants to see me.  We live just under an hour apart, the distance doesn't bother us.  But there are times he wants to be with me and I am either working or have other things to deal with.  But I always make time for him on the weekends and will happily drive down and soak him up for days.  

He also had a sorta gf/maybe FWB that became a friend, he told her about me and has made plans for us to meet and go out with her and her now boyfriend.  But he hasn't discussed this other female, named her or really mentioned her since the initial discussion a few weeks ago.

Heres the gig--I figured out easily who she is due to his SM, we are friends on it, she is also plus it is very open (public) and the way he manages it--lost of posts for reasons I won't get into and she is on there.  Alot.  In the past she would make some pretty suggestive comments, not so much lately.

This past weekend we were together for four days and it was so great and intimate and we are connecting in a big way.  He often says I am so happy I found you.  He left early Sunday because he had a procedure Monday am and needed to get his stuff done.  Monday came and he posted a very obscure reference to that via a song.  And she posted some symbols that made it clear she knew he was going to go under the knife.

So they obviously are communicating.  He got his info late Friday for the procedure and Monday am she was the only one who wrote good luck.  No one else made any reference to it since.  Not his family his kids his friends.  Not me.  Just her.

I'm so annoyed.  I feel I can't say anything-- he's recovering.  I don't even know if I want to say anything or if I should say anything.  I need help understanding this dynamic and if I should be concerned and if so what do I do?

Thank you.

 

 

 

Edited May 19, 2022 by slippinglimpse
wording

[glows]

He considers her a friend? That's when you decide whether you can accept someone's friends, fwb or former lover, mystery with a history, whatever you wish to call it. He's not someone I'd choose to date. Try not to let jealousy factor into this. It boils down to whether you can accept his judgment or his choices overall, who he chooses as company and how lax someone's boundaries are. 

If you start to feel uneasy or queasy being around someone whom you can't trust, that's your cue he's not the right man for you. 

[slippinglimpse]

Thank you, Glows.  I appreciate your input.  I like your suggestions,  as it gives me food for thought.

I'm not jealous, I'm annoyed.  And I am annoyed for the reasons you factored--his judgement, choices and boundaries.

And added to that, due to the circumstances of his surgery-- I feel like I am unable to discuss it since he is in recovery.

Could you elaborate on why he is not someone you would choose to date?

[glows]

11 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

Thank you, Glows.  I appreciate your input.  I like your suggestions,  as it gives me food for thought.

I'm not jealous, I'm annoyed.  And I am annoyed for the reasons you factored--his judgement, choices and boundaries.

And added to that, due to the circumstances of his surgery-- I feel like I am unable to discuss it since he is in recovery.

Could you elaborate on why he is not someone you would choose to date?

I wouldn't put someone in that position. I expect the same in return.

This is in regards to dubious relationships and poor boundaries. You've known him for three months so it's usually enough to see the character of a person and whether that person is compatible with you. 

[slippinglimpse]

Thank you so much, you are wise.  I will have the conversation(s), and I might not wait to do so at this point.

I like your profile pic, it reminds me of the synchronous fireflies event we had planned,  as well as other trips.  While that makes this more bittersweet, it also highlights the importance of looking at what is real and what is false.  

Thank you again.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

.  We have known one another for three months 

 He told me about a FWB. He explained what that meant to him, someone he wanted to have sex with but didn't want to wake up to. 

Sorry this is happening. If you would like a one-on-one romantic relationship with someone, this is not the guy.

12 weeks dating is a good time to observe whether you want to continue or not.

Since he's crystal clear that he prefers to sleep around, get tested for STDs. There's nothing to discuss. Just observe and choose.

Reflect if continuing is worth the headaches and heartaches of being with someone who won't be exclusive.

Edited May 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

I would operate under the assumption that they are still in contact, yes. 

You already know one of his current friends is a former FWB, so he's not opposed to keeping these women in his life. The same is more than likely true for this woman. They're still friends.

The question is, is that okay for you? 

 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

I would not be involved with anyone having sex with others.  That if that was something he needed he was welcome to it but it wouldn't be with me.  

He assured me that he had "differentiated me when he met me and that was not a factor".

Maybe it’s just me, but this is a rather vague response to a very clear boundary you set. Does this mean - he likes you more and he wants to date you, not her? Does this mean - he will stay in contact with her, but no sex. Does this mean - he was going to continue having sex with her, while dating you? He didn’t actually say, “I will stop having sex with her. Or, I will end the relationship.” 

And now you need to decide, do you need him to end all contact with the woman? Or is it ok for them still be to in contact? Because, it doesn’t sound like their are “Facebook friends” who read each other’s posts and like each other’s pictures occasionally - it sounds like they share a lot more than that…

Edited May 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

Honestly, OP, I would end things. But that has to do with how I choose to live my life. Before I start dating anyone new, I make sure any exes or whoever are in the past. I don't want the new guy to have to deal with drama or wonder if I'm seeing someone else or all that stuff that comes with being friends with former partners or lovers. Not surprisingly, I want the guy I date to have a similar philosophy to mine. I don't want to have to tell him who he can and cannot talk to and how he should talk to them. So I wouldn't proceed with a guy who was behaving like your guy. But that's me. I don't claim that my way would work for everyone.

[smackie9]

Me personally would not date this person. FWB and staying friends with said types, is not the kind of personality I would be comfortable with, nor would I put any effort in to "change" it. You only known this guy for 3 months....if he was ready to settle down and go forward with his life with you, he would have ditched the past baggage. He might be excited about you, but he's not making any changes which says volumes in what he's all about. 

[central]

I've stayed friends with a couple of former FWB (and a couple of former gfs), because they are good people and good friends.  The benefits stopped, and there was never any inclination to restart them.  My wife even knows them, has known them now for 20 years, and they are friends to us both.

IMO, it's ridiculous to discriminate against former friends and eliminate them from your life just because of a new relationship, UNLESS there are unresolved sexual attractions.

However, it's your judgment to make.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

I need help understanding this dynamic and if I should be concerned and if so what do I do?

Yeah she may have contacted him and through conversation he told her about his procedure.  What do you want him to do, block her?  Why are you worried since you have no doubt he's into you?

[slippinglimpse]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me, each and every response helps me.  As I stated in my OP,  I haven't actively dated in the land of FWB's before so I really don't know what my expectations "should" be, I only know how I feel.

I've read lots of advice columns on this and have also watched my strong successful single younger friends navigate the world of FWB, some smooth sailing and others rough seas.  I hate drama and will run from it.

I "met" him early March online.  He was interacting heavily while I popped in here and there, and he never stopped his carefree,   nice banter.  We talked on the phone end of month--remarkably 5 hours the first time and four hours the second time.  While he doesn't mention his "X" wife often, he did tell me she left the house and became involved with another man over a decade ago.  He remained in the home.  We met in person end of that month, and had sex around three weeks later.  He is a fierce supporter of women, kind and a naturalist.  He lives his life true to his philosophies--family, nature, making the earth a better place.

He does not put anything personal on his SM (nor comment on mine) except shout outs to his kids.  So there's no real timeline on any relationship or FWB he had.  This one lady has obviously been to his home, met his kids.  There are periods where she does not comment or like anything for long periods in the past.  

I am a private person, there has never been any SM posts about my personal relationships-ever.

He makes plans for us, we were to go away next month with his friends, wants to take me everywhere he goes.  I really was blindsided seeing her comment, to see she knew he was having surgery.   That they were that close that she knew between the Friday and the Sunday (that we were together).

I remained friends with my XBF who I loved very much for four years after we ended our 10 year relationship.  I understand the concept of remaining friends with someone you were once involved with.  It was very hard to let go of one another but we did it.  We have not spoken since last fall.

It was 7 months before I put myself out into the dating game.  My friends were really proud of me for finally doing that.  I was really happy as we slowly got to trust one another and I remember thinking I never want to hurt this guy.

And here I am.

[slippinglimpse]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah she may have contacted him and through conversation he told her about his procedure.  What do you want him to do, block her?  Why are you worried since you have no doubt he's into you?

I think she probably knew he was having something done soon since its something that has been nagging for over a year so yes you are right.  I don't want him to block her.  I want to know he's not going to be having sex with her when I'm not available and he's saying "I miss you" and wants to come over and I say no.

I'm worried they could fall into the same pattern when that happens.  I like my space.

 

[glows]

10 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

Thank you so much, you are wise.  I will have the conversation(s), and I might not wait to do so at this point.

I like your profile pic, it reminds me of the synchronous fireflies event we had planned,  as well as other trips.  While that makes this more bittersweet, it also highlights the importance of looking at what is real and what is false.  

Thank you again.

Fireflies remind me of light in the darkness and as unassuming and tiny as they are they still have an impact. I hope that you make a decision that's right for you.

[stillafool]

55 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

 I don't want him to block her.  I want to know he's not going to be having sex with her when I'm not available and he's saying "I miss you" and wants to come over and I say no.

I'm worried they could fall into the same pattern when that happens.  I like my space.

 

Well if you already can't trust him not to have sex with another when you need a lot of "space", this relationship is already doomed to fail.  That "space" maybe the beginning of the end.

[glows]

There is no trust, OP. You distrust him and distrust his judgment overall. That's a big no-no. Free yourself and find better company.

[slippinglimpse]

Thank you for the input.

Trust is so important.  He promised me before I gave him my contact info that “I promise you there will never be anything inappropriate coming from me”.

He’s texted me twice today I haven’t responded yet.  I will, I just feel crushed.

I won’t be going down there tomorrow, I’m going to wait until end of next week. I had planned on tomorrow but I’ll wait until he’s feeling better.

I plan to tell him face to face how I feel.  He can say how he feels.   

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

“I promise you there will never be anything inappropriate coming from me”.

This is nice and all, but "inappropriate" means very different things from one person to the next. 

For example, he might think sending an unsolicited nude would be inappropriate - but see nothing inappropriate about staying friendly with a former FWB. This is where we figure out if our boundaries are really compatible (or not) with a potential love interest. There's so much grey area that it's important to observe, just as you're doing. 

For what it's worth, I would also be turned off by seeing a woman my new guy had (relatively) recently had sex with posting on his social media. No thanks. 

[glows]

23 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

Thank you for the input.

Trust is so important.  He promised me before I gave him my contact info that “I promise you there will never be anything inappropriate coming from me”.

He’s texted me twice today I haven’t responded yet.  I will, I just feel crushed.

I won’t be going down there tomorrow, I’m going to wait until end of next week. I had planned on tomorrow but I’ll wait until he’s feeling better.

I plan to tell him face to face how I feel.  He can say how he feels.   

I agree with Expat on different meanings of what inappropriate means to different people. 

What's important is following your instincts when something is inappropriate to you. 

I think there's a high likelihood you overinvested way too quickly into this person and thought too highly of him all at once at the start. Dial it back again in future when you first meet someone and wait to see whether that person is truly, indeed compatible with you.

[slippinglimpse]

I agree Expat, there are way different expectations when it comes to defining inappropriate.

I’m no prude, I love men and I love sex. 
Still, I have standards, and part of me sees this females past interactions and wonders wtf?!

Glow, thank you for the input.  The first meeting I wasn’t feeling it. But I gave it a chance.  Then I later again wasn’t sure of him and at one point told him I didn’t think this was going to work and why.  I told him good luck etc be well.  He came back a day later asking if we could go to dinner and said the concern would not rise again—“I promise”.  And it hasn’t.

 I am very cautious when choosing an intimate partner.  Once I become intimate with someone I open more than my legs I open my heart.  And that’s what happened here.

We are very different people he and I.  He is unlike anyone I ever fell for.

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

He’s texted me twice today I haven’t responded yet.  I will, I just feel crushed.

I won’t be going down there tomorrow, I’m going to wait until end of next week. I had planned on tomorrow but I’ll wait until he’s feeling better.

I plan to tell him face to face how I feel.  He can say how he feels.   

So you aren't answering his text and not going down there (do you have a scheduled date?) tomorrow?  Couldn't you just call him tell him what you know and how you feel about it tonight so as not to ruin tomorrow?  I don't believe in sitting and stewing over information that can be straightened out within a few hours.  You sound sure about the way he feels about you in your first post so I'm a bit surprised you aren't giving him the benefit of the doubt.

[slippinglimpse]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So you aren't answering his text and not going down there (do you have a scheduled date?) tomorrow?  Couldn't you just call him tell him what you know and how you feel about it tonight so as not to ruin tomorrow?  I don't believe in sitting and stewing over information that can be straightened out within a few hours.  You sound sure about the way he feels about you in your first post so I'm a bit surprised you aren't giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Well,  we were informed we had a positive Covid exposure at work when I got in here at 1pm (we worked together last night and she was sick) so I don’t think I should go down there being as he’s recovering.  

I replied to his texts on my break. I think you’re right, I shouldn’t stew over this.  Just feel like I’m hitting him with this when he’s in pain.

[glows]

Bring it up at a time that feels comfortable to you. The least you can do is let him know you're not ok with one of his friends but I'm also not sure what good that would do. Be prepared to go your separate ways if you both disagree. He seems to be very persuasive and you seem like you're very much in love with him so trying to be objective about whether he's compatible with you or acknowledging those disagreements may be very challenging. 

The worst case scenario is that you are not fine with his choice in friends, you both disagree and you stay with him anyway because he keeps persuading you that it's a good choice.

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

The first meeting I wasn’t feeling it. But I gave it a chance.  Then I later again wasn’t sure of him and at one point told him I didn’t think this was going to work and why.  I told him good luck etc be well.  He came back a day later asking if we could go to dinner and said the concern would not rise again—“I promise”.  We are very different people he and I.  He is unlike anyone I ever fell for

Unfortunately it seems bumpy all along, so your instincts are good.

What you are noticing is this little thing, then that thing, etc. cropping up. Like Whac-A-Mole.

Keep in mind the SM entry you noticed is not the full story. Trust your gut feelings.

Take time to reflect if he's good at lip-service or relationships.