New relationship, annoying FWB issue

[FMW]

I'm older (57) so that may make an important difference in how I see things, but I don't believe it's necessary to completely remove people from your life with whom you once had a romantic or sexual relationship just because you are with someone else now.  You can still like and care for someone after the romance and sex are completely out of the picture.  

For more than two years now I've been in a committed relationship.  But prior to that relationship one of my existing friendships (of several years) turned into a temporary  FWB situation.  For us it was a mutually agreed upon situation, neither of us wanted to be in "real" relationships at that particular time, and we trusted each other enough to be comfortable with the temporary sexual involvement.  The "benefits" ended, completely, once I met someone with whom I felt ready to be fully involved.  We don't spend time alone together, our conversations are never beyond the boundaries of platonic friendship, but we still consider each other friends. 

No one has to accept their significant other having contact of any kind with someone they once were romantically or sexually involved with.  We all get to choose what we accept or cant/don't.  But I wanted to add to the minority of responses here that don't think you have to cut people out of your life after relationships are over,   Having those contacts doesn't mean someone is untrustworthy or not committed to the relationship they're in now.  It may simply come down to incompatibility due to seeing this issue differently.  

[glows]

29 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

Thank you Glow.  I’m going to slow down…..I thought I was moving very slow but I wasn’t.  My heart has a beat of its own.

I need to learn more about him, and he I.

What makes us tick.

Yes, slow down. It has less to do with friends with exes and everything to do with whether you are on the same page or respect the way he thinks/lives. That takes time to develop.

Whether someone chooses to have exes/previous fwbs or lovers as friends is up to them. Age has little to do with it unless a person believes they've changed over the years. A good many people don't change their values or the way they think on core beliefs. 

 

[FMW]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Age has little to do with it

I understand my jealousies and insecurities now much better than I did as a younger woman.  Because of that understanding I don't automatically think there is something wrong about what the other person is doing just because it stirs up my own issues.  For me, age most definitely does make a difference in how I handle those things.  If I broke up with someone every time my insecurity was triggered I would never have had relationships get past the initial phase.

At 27 I would have just dumped OP's guy.  At 57 I think a discussion is in order to make sure assumptions aren't getting in the way.  I would hope to receive the same consideration from anyone I'm with.  

 

[glows]

29 minutes ago, FMW said:

I understand my jealousies and insecurities now much better than I did as a younger woman.  Because of that understanding I don't automatically think there is something wrong about what the other person is doing just because it stirs up my own issues.  For me, age most definitely does make a difference in how I handle those things.  If I broke up with someone every time my insecurity was triggered I would never have had relationships get past the initial phase.

At 27 I would have just dumped OP's guy.  At 57 I think a discussion is in order to make sure assumptions aren't getting in the way.  I would hope to receive the same consideration from anyone I'm with.  

 

I agree but I don’t think the discussion is primarily about whether the exes or fwbs are inappropriate or whatever opposing views are invalid. At least, that has not been my approach to the OP’s issue.

I’ve been emphasizing observing and taking more time to date and get to know one another. My beliefs are that while a discussion is a good idea, neither would do well insisting that a potentially mismatched relationship is a preferred choice. 

Communication is important but it’s also dependent on that relationship and how compatible overall a couple is. 

 

Edited May 20, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

Ultimately, it comes down to your comfort level.

That said, your relationship is in its early stages. It's normal not to be quite sure what the boundaries are.

Being with someone who maintains regular contact with ex-casual sex partners is difficult when that's something that you don't do.

I'm wondering why even he told you in the first place that he was in a FWB relationship with this person so early on in your dating relationship? 

Sadly, in your case, he’s said it. Now you have to deal with it (or not).

But here's the real problem: you both have very different concepts of what sex is to you. In some relationships, that's fine as long as you both have trust in each other and respect for each other's differing opinions. Sincerity has it that you don't respect what he did, you don't accept his ideas of what intimacy and sex mean in different situations, and you don't trust him or his friend-he-used-to-shag. 

[slippinglimpse]

9 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, slow down. It has less to do with friends with exes and everything to do with whether you are on the same page or respect the way he thinks/lives. That takes time to develop.

Whether someone chooses to have exes/previous fwbs or lovers as friends is up to them. Age has little to do with it unless a person believes they've changed over the years. A good many people don't change their values or the way they think on core beliefs. 

 

I agree,  Glow.  It was just us until it "progressed" and we let others (for me SM) into our world. 

We are different from one another.

But differences can make one look inward and find the beautiful spaces that fit.

Thank you!

[slippinglimpse]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Ultimately, it comes down to your comfort level.

That said, your relationship is in its early stages. It's normal not to be quite sure what the boundaries are.

Being with someone who maintains regular contact with ex-casual sex partners is difficult when that's something that you don't do.

I'm wondering why even he told you in the first place that he was in a FWB relationship with this person so early on in your dating relationship? 

Sadly, in your case, he’s said it. Now you have to deal with it (or not).

But here's the real problem: you both have very different concepts of what sex is to you. In some relationships, that's fine as long as you both have trust in each other and respect for each other's differing opinions. Sincerity has it that you don't respect what he did, you don't accept his ideas of what intimacy and sex mean in different situations, and you don't trust him or his friend-he-used-to-shag. 

 

We are finding our way.  I understand now what I mean to him.

I trust him.  I feel comfortable in his feelings for me.

Thank you!

[slippinglimpse]

4 hours ago, glows said:

I agree but I don’t think the discussion is primarily about whether the exes or fwbs are inappropriate or whatever opposing views are invalid. At least, that has not been my approach to the OP’s issue.

I’ve been emphasizing observing and taking more time to date and get to know one another. My beliefs are that while a discussion is a good idea, neither would do well insisting that a potentially mismatched relationship is a preferred choice. 

Communication is important but it’s also dependent on that relationship and how compatible overall a couple is. 

 

Thank you Glow, I agree.

Time will tell.

[slippinglimpse]

5 hours ago, FMW said:

I understand my jealousies and insecurities now much better than I did as a younger woman.  Because of that understanding I don't automatically think there is something wrong about what the other person is doing just because it stirs up my own issues.  For me, age most definitely does make a difference in how I handle those things.  If I broke up with someone every time my insecurity was triggered I would never have had relationships get past the initial phase.

At 27 I would have just dumped OP's guy.  At 57 I think a discussion is in order to make sure assumptions aren't getting in the way.  I would hope to receive the same consideration from anyone I'm with.  

 

Thank you for this FMW.

While I may have appeared to have exhibited jealousies and insecurities to others,  I need to state that that was not ever what was driving my original post.

 I was searching for answers on a subject that I had no knowledge on.

I am thankful for each and every input that I received here.  Each answer helped me.  I mean that.  

Thankful.

 

 

 

 

 

[FMW]

27 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

Thankful.

Sorry, I kind of got off topic responding to the age having nothing to do with it comment.  I don't think your reaction makes you seem insecure.  It's just one of my first responses to my own reactions to figure out where they come.

[katung44]

I can understand why getting romantically invested in a sex without emotions relationship can quickly get complicated. Primarily, I'm not the kind of guy who sees sex as purely physical act. I catch feelings a little too easily so I'm not a typical FWB guy. My advice is that you step back and do some serious reevaluation of the current status of whatever relationship you go into, situations can change in a flash and you would not get a fair warning when they do change. This can sometimes result in either one or both people getting their hearts broken especially when they invest time and energy in making the relationship better and the other person is not ready to make an emotional commitment at that point. So I would recommend a periodic reevaluation of the status of any FWB relationship. Try to observe and analyze the energy you get from your SO from time to time. I say observe because many people would be very reluctant tell you that they're catching feelings for you so your best bet is reading their body language as best as you can so someone doesn't end up being emotionally damaged as a result of unrequited energy

[slippinglimpse]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Ultimately, it comes down to your comfort level.

That said, your relationship is in its early stages. It's normal not to be quite sure what the boundaries are.

Being with someone who maintains regular contact with ex-casual sex partners is difficult when that's something that you don't do.

I'm wondering why even he told you in the first place that he was in a FWB relationship with this person so early on in your dating relationship? 

Sadly, in your case, he’s said it. Now you have to deal with it (or not).

But here's the real problem: you both have very different concepts of what sex is to you. In some relationships, that's fine as long as you both have trust in each other and respect for each other's differing opinions. Sincerity has it that you don't respect what he did, you don't accept his ideas of what intimacy and sex mean in different situations, and you don't trust him or his friend-he-used-to-shag. 

He never said he was in a FWB relationship with this particular person.  He said he had relationships in the past as well as FWB.  Last time sexually active with was March--we got to know one another early March and in person April.

I agree, we both have different concepts of what sex is.  He is a free spirited person in general, not particularly sexually.  He had a long term marriage and firmly stated he never cheated.  He said he had opportunities as he travels often for work.  

When he and I discussed FWB,  he explained what it means to him.  He met thinking it could be grow into a relationship and ended up being a friend--with benefits.  I'm learning more about FWB here thanks to everyones input.  

[slippinglimpse]

4 hours ago, katung44 said:

I can understand why getting romantically invested in a sex without emotions relationship can quickly get complicated. Primarily, I'm not the kind of guy who sees sex as purely physical act. I catch feelings a little too easily so I'm not a typical FWB guy. My advice is that you step back and do some serious reevaluation of the current status of whatever relationship you go into, situations can change in a flash and you would not get a fair warning when they do change. This can sometimes result in either one or both people getting their hearts broken especially when they invest time and energy in making the relationship better and the other person is not ready to make an emotional commitment at that point. So I would recommend a periodic reevaluation of the status of any FWB relationship. Try to observe and analyze the energy you get from your SO from time to time. I say observe because many people would be very reluctant tell you that they're catching feelings for you so your best bet is reading their body language as best as you can so someone doesn't end up being emotionally damaged as a result of unrequited energy

Thank you Katung.  I appreciate you sharing this.  I agree about reevaluating periodically. 

I have a close friend who is in a FWB relationship.  I met him.... he's a nice guy, fun and a great addition to our group.  But--She's been hurt recently because he went on a date with a mutual friends relative and thought it would be fun to share with her the details of where he took her etc etc.  UGH.

[slippinglimpse]

7 hours ago, FMW said:

Sorry, I kind of got off topic responding to the age having nothing to do with it comment.  I don't think your reaction makes you seem insecure.  It's just one of my first responses to my own reactions to figure out where they come.

I appreciate your insight, we are of similar age you and I.  

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

He never said he was in a FWB relationship with this particular person.  He said he had relationships in the past as well as FWB.  Last time sexually active with was March--we got to know one another early March and in person April.

I agree, we both have different concepts of what sex is.  He is a free spirited person in general, not particularly sexually.  He had a long term marriage and firmly stated he never cheated.  He said he had opportunities as he travels often for work.  

When he and I discussed FWB,  he explained what it means to him.  He met thinking it could be grow into a relationship and ended up being a friend--with benefits.  I'm learning more about FWB here thanks to everyones input.  

Ah, I see.

I appreciate your clarification.

His references to FWB relationships and what they "mean to him" are still unclear to me.

Then again, maybe he was simply being open with you about the relationships he had in the past.

 

 

 

[slippinglimpse]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Ah, I see.

I appreciate your clarification.

His references to FWB relationships and what they "mean to him" are still unclear to me.

Then again, maybe he was simply being open with you about the relationships he had in the past.

 

 

 

Yah,  me too.  Guess a potential GF that ended being “someone he wanted to have sex with but not wake up with in the morning”.

Why?  They “ran out of things to talk about”.

Next week I’ll ask my questions when I see him in person.

 

[katung44]

On 5/21/2022 at 11:39 AM, slippinglimpse said:

Thank you Katung.  I appreciate you sharing this.  I agree about reevaluating periodically. 

I have a close friend who is in a FWB relationship.  I met him.... he's a nice guy, fun and a great addition to our group.  But--She's been hurt recently because he went on a date with a mutual friends relative and thought it would be fun to share with her the details of where he took her etc etc.  UGH.

I understand how this might hurt her. But she needs to bear in mind that there are many ways you can mess an FWB relationship and one of the most frequent ways is assumption. The other person is so much fun to be with so you can easily forget that it's a purely physical pleasure arrangement. I recall a proverb that says before embarking on a vengeance mission, first dig two graves. You have to prepare yourself for the day when the other party would step out on you unexpectedly. Please always bear in mind that FWB relationships can either end well or crash unexpectedly. It would feel like a sucker punch that catches you off guard. I'm not being pessimistic here. This is just a reminder to prepare for a future after the relationship for one reason or the other ends. You need to consider how you would feel about it. Life needs to on for you as well. Call it a pre-planned plan B. This involves a scheme where you pick yourself up faster. First, you accurately determine how much energy and emotion you can safely invest in the relationship. You also have be very frank with yourself and your SO so you don't put in an unrealistic amount of devotion which if it's not reciprocated will might make you bitter in the future. Next find something you really love doing so when you need something to take your mind of that issue in the future, it won't be much of struggle. You need to train your mind and heart to match the energy you give with the energy you get in return. One sided expectations can really damage your psyche. With that said, good luck in all your future liaisons

[IrinaM]

This guy sounds like he collects orbiters. Be careful. This sounds a little bit like it's bordering on a narcissistic harem, and you seem to have rose colored glasses firmly planted on your face.

This "friend" of his knows what she's doing by claiming him all over SM. He's not innocent in this, he likes the attention, the mismatch in how much she likes him but he can take her or leave her, and he keeps her strung along. Relationships like that tend to be highly stable, as one person needs the attention and the other is happy with scraps and will never leave. She's going to be a presence in your life as long as he is.

And as far as his other FWB, the one he wanted to introduce you to so you could all hang out? Frankly that would be a great big no for me. That's a very demeaning thing to put a new girlfriend through, and he knows that. Please don't convince yourself that you're proving to him how cool and "not insecure" you are and therefore winning his love. He knows he's being disrespectful.

[slippinglimpse]

10 hours ago, IrinaM said:

This guy sounds like he collects orbiters. Be careful. This sounds a little bit like it's bordering on a narcissistic harem, and you seem to have rose colored glasses firmly planted on your face.

This "friend" of his knows what she's doing by claiming him all over SM. He's not innocent in this, he likes the attention, the mismatch in how much she likes him but he can take her or leave her, and he keeps her strung along. Relationships like that tend to be highly stable, as one person needs the attention and the other is happy with scraps and will never leave. She's going to be a presence in your life as long as he is.

And as far as his other FWB, the one he wanted to introduce you to so you could all hang out? Frankly that would be a great big no for me. That's a very demeaning thing to put a new girlfriend through, and he knows that. Please don't convince yourself that you're proving to him how cool and "not insecure" you are and therefore winning his love. He knows he's being disrespectful.

Thank you Irina.

Orbiters…..how interesting, I never heard of that trend.  I’ll keep my eye on that.

You described the FWB persons interactions quite succinctly.  I’m well aware of why she is interacting with him.

The lady I could/would of met was someone he dated and stayed friendly with.  It was an event we were going to that she may of been at with her boyfriend.  A fundraiser he supports.

I felt like he told me they may be there out of respect, not for nefarious reasons.  We share a name and that is how she was brought up.  It was more we went out a few times but stayed friends type conversation.

I don’t need to prove I’m cool to anyone, and surely not by loosening my standards in any way.  I know my worth.

If he doesn’t,  time will tell.  I surely won’t be orbiting.

 

Edited May 23, 2022 by slippinglimpse