In love with a divorced woman that got cheated on

[lucidmonkey]

Long story short I have been friends with lets call her Stacy..  for about 6-7 years.  She is my brothers friends ex wife.  He cheated on her and file for divorce with her.  I am no saint either, as I messed up my relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years by cheating on her as well too.  She never found out but I couldn't live with myself seeing her face every day knowing what I did so I let her go. Stacy is everything I would want in a woman but is 7-8 years older than I am.  

I never thought of her more than a friend that we share a ton of common interest with but recently after taking some MDMA I had the realization that I really wanted to try dating her.  We went on a walk and I told her that I have feelings for her and asked her if she wanted to explore a relationship.  Her response was "Lets be friends and spend more time together and see where it goes". I took her on a date and everything seemed to go well.  The next time I saw her I tried to kiss her but she rejected me and said "I thought we were supposed to take it slowly"   At this point I made the mistake of telling her that I have strong feelings for her and she still seemed open to seeing where things go. 

I started trying to spend time with her but after I tried to kiss her she would say she wants to see me but never make the time to do so. The more she did that the more insecure I got and tried to not bother her. I got her gifts (which probably gave her pressure) and she said "I dont know if im ready for a relationship right now, but I value your presence and friendship" We had set up a friends dinner and she flaked last minute.   We had some casual conversation but she hasn't texted me in 4 days.    Before when I pulled back... she would pursue me, but recently she stopped alltogether. 

Im confused because on one hand she wants to travel with me and go to asia and wants to quit her job to find an easier one to free up time for me, but on the other hand she will sneak in comments like "I dont date my friends". or "I wont suck your dick" 

Im trying to be empathetic toward her as she has been cheated on twice, but i cant help the way I feel about her. 

Should I let her go?  Im in a bad place because i think I love her.  I cant think of anything else. 

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, lucidmonkey said:

after taking some MDMA I had the realization that I really wanted to try dating her.   Her response was "Lets be friends and spend more time together and see where it goes". she will sneak in comments like "I dont date my friends". or "I wont suck your dick" 

It sounds like she would rather be friends. Everything looks good and seems like a good idea on Ecstasy. So this realization was not borne of true feelings or common sense.

Did you ask her to do oral on you?  

The monkeypox virus are spreading possibly through sexual contact, which had not previously been linked to monkeypox transmission.

Edited May 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Can you put aside your feelings and spend time with her? No gifts or anything too involved. Leave out the drugs. Treat her as a friend and let her come to you.

I think you may be infatuated with the idea of her but not actually know much about her or whether it's mutual or whether she's compatible with you. What going on with her work situation? It seems unstable/up in the air. Being with you can't be the reason why she'd uproot herself. That's a red flag.

[DKT3]

If she's been divorced less then two years its kinda a bad gamble.  However,  its best to do as she asks and slow down. 

[vla1120]

It sounds like she'll simply friendzone you if you continue to pressure her for more. She's not ready for a relationship. Just respect her boundaries and give her more time. Be a friend to her for now and see where it goes. 

[IrinaM]

Let me put it this way: if she were the one posting here, I would advise her to do the right thing and cut off all contact with you. I would tell her not to accept any future date invitations or gifts, and not to respond to texts either.

It seems like you are fixated on her and that tiny bits of attention keep you encouraged. Personally, I don't think she's "not ready." I also don't think it matters that she's been cheated on, because so have most people who are single and over 30. I don't think she likes you enough to want a relationship with you.

Move on. I'm not a big believer in being in the "friendzone," unless you are in high school or college. In the grown up world, if a romantic connection can't spark, you will both move on. Friendship just isn't a realistic option.

[lucidmonkey]

Thanks everyone. This is amazing for me to hear. 

[lucidmonkey]

 

Last night this thread gave me an epiphany.  She has friendzoned me or is in the process of doing it, but i was jjust too blind to see it because I wanted to be with her so bad. 

So I tried to ignore her and move on for the whole week and i thought she got the point too because she is genuinely a good person. I assumed that she didnt want to lead me on, but today she messaged me "Hi". and I said hello too.  She just wanted to let me know when she is flying out on her vacation w her friends and that she will be giving me updates.  I almost wanted to tell her to not send me any pics so she can enjoy her trip and I dont have to be anxious waiting for her photos and responding to them... 

At this point the fact that she waited the last minute before her trip to text me means I am pretty deep in the friendzone right?  I was literally the last person she needed to say goodbye to and now is roping me back in at the prospect of her thinking about me...  I think she is probably having trouble letting go of me as a friend. 

I dont think i can just be friends with her so should I just ignore her from now on? 

 Any other thoughts would be appreciated. 

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, lucidmonkey said:

the fact that she waited the last minute before her trip to text me means I am pretty deep in the friendzone right?

Yes, friendzone seems to be where she has you in her orbit. Live your life and don't worry about her.

[glows]

32 minutes ago, lucidmonkey said:

 

Last night this thread gave me an epiphany.  She has friendzoned me or is in the process of doing it, but i was jjust too blind to see it because I wanted to be with her so bad. 

So I tried to ignore her and move on for the whole week and i thought she got the point too because she is genuinely a good person. I assumed that she didnt want to lead me on, but today she messaged me "Hi". and I said hello too.  She just wanted to let me know when she is flying out on her vacation w her friends and that she will be giving me updates.  I almost wanted to tell her to not send me any pics so she can enjoy her trip and I dont have to be anxious waiting for her photos and responding to them... 

At this point the fact that she waited the last minute before her trip to text me means I am pretty deep in the friendzone right?  I was literally the last person she needed to say goodbye to and now is roping me back in at the prospect of her thinking about me...  I think she is probably having trouble letting go of me as a friend. 

I dont think i can just be friends with her so should I just ignore her from now on? 

 Any other thoughts would be appreciated. 

 

If you expected her to tell you more about her vacation or include you in her life, this doesn't seem to be the case. I think you went into it too much too soon and your emotions were way too far ahead. You both went on one walk and were proposing exploring a relationship, met her a second time and then told her about your strong feelings. There was no time to warm up to that or decide on whether or not you're a partner in any sense of the word. She hadn't even dated you (gone on many consecutive dates) and you wanted a relationship.

This might have had a shot if you had slowed down a lot more and read her cues a bit better. She seems like she is becoming a little more familiar with you but you're balking or feeling dejected. This is misunderstanding written all over it. If you can't work through that then yes, stop pursuing her. I think you need to be more present and mindful or try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. 

 

[lucidmonkey]

38 minutes ago, glows said:

If you expected her to tell you more about her vacation or include you in her life, this doesn't seem to be the case. I think you went into it too much too soon and your emotions were way too far ahead. You both went on one walk and were proposing exploring a relationship, met her a second time and then told her about your strong feelings. There was no time to warm up to that or decide on whether or not you're a partner in any sense of the word. She hadn't even dated you (gone on many consecutive dates) and you wanted a relationship.

This might have had a shot if you had slowed down a lot more and read her cues a bit better. She seems like she is becoming a little more familiar with you but you're balking or feeling dejected. This is misunderstanding written all over it. If you can't work through that then yes, stop pursuing her. I think you need to be more present and mindful or try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. 

 

Keep in mind that we are friends for 6-7 years and have been hanging out very frequently for the last 3-5 months.  I guess your saying spending time dating is pretty different and that I should have gotten to know her more in the dating context first before telling her how I feel?   I completely agree.  

 

Can you clarify a bit on your second paragraph?  I just want to make sure I am understanding you correctly.

 

Thank you all for your help everyone.  This has been really really good advice. 

[glows]

If I had a male friend for some time and he suddenly wanted a relationship, I'd be wondering how long he was being a friend with the intention of always wanting more out of it. It would blur some lines and need some adjustment. I don't stay friends with people with the intention of being in a relationship with that person or being more intimate so, yes, along those lines, the way things happened was very abrupt. I think it was good of you to ask her out and clarify that your feelings had changed but not everyone is going to be onboard with that. 

Give it more time to develop and see where it goes. Does she also take drugs? Substances like that are going to complicate the issue. Problems with work? Don't date people with big issues going on with their lives. Be choosy. It doesn't matter how long you've known her if she's no good to date and vice versa for you. Do you also suffer from anxiety? You seem very anxious about the photos or messages from her. Continue asking her out and mention date ideas, ask for her input. 

If you continue to get the feeling like she's not putting in the same effort or not as interested you stop dating her. Keep it simple like that. Move on and date other ladies and keep any interactions with her limited or eventually end that friendship if it's no longer a friendship.

 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

I dont think i can just be friends with her so should I just ignore her from now on? 

 Any other thoughts would be appreciated.

I think it's positive that you sorted out "where she's at" and acted accordingly (with the help of some posters above). I think you're on the right track with your understanding of what's going on.

Friend-zoning can be seen as a form of "putting someone on the back burner" and/or making them a "Plan B". This may be the idea here, which is why she's "reeling you back in" a bit. It's not particularly fair in cases where the person being friend-zoned still has genuine very strong feelings. It's also quite possible that she indeed simply wants another friend.

It's possible, particularly as an adult, to have "friends" that you in fact have very little to do with in your day-to-day life. She could (perhaps) be one of those for you. However, if it's triggering very strong feelings for you and so making it difficult to move on romantically, then you may indeed be best of going full no-contact. It's no fun and indeed typically a huge waste of time being an "orbiter".

An alternative would be to, essentially, back-burner HER - let her continue to be a friend to at least a token extent while you seek new prospects.  IF one day she comes along and wants to get closer, and you happen to be single at the time, you CONFIRM that she feels ready for a relationship, and start one with her.

It's hard to say what the chances of that actually happening are, so you may indeed be better off (emotionally) simply firmly resolving to let this go completely and do so. Typically, I'd say the chances are quite low, perhaps on the order of 2% or thereabouts (ballpack guesstimate). Your case feels a little different since her breadcrumbing (the vacation pics) seems so strong, but it's still probably quite low. Perhaps she just wants her friends to think she has a BF/romantic prospect at some level, dunno.

Generally I'd say that when someone is ready for a relationship, AND wants that relationship with YOU, they start it rather than beating around the bush, etc.

Edited May 20, 2022 by mark clemson

[lucidmonkey]

I just wanted to extend a heartfelt thanks to everyone here.  I actually meant to send something out earlier but it did not go through.  

At this point she keeps texting me but I am trying not to respond to her.  Its been really hard for me because I care about her alot. She didn't do anything wrong to me yet I feel like I am punishing her.  I don't want her to feel abandoned but at the same time I definitely dont know / dont think she is thinking about the situation. Maybe she doesnt even know I feel this way and hasnt really thought about the situation. 

I just feel like im being unfair to her by ghosting her for a week now.   

The fact that im feeling like this means that my subconcious is telling me im doing something wrong.

I feel crippled by this and its affecting my work and other life activities.   

Perhaps I should really just try to be a distant friend and see if she comes around one day?

Thank you again to everyone. Truly. 

[IrinaM]

I'm confused. What is the status of your relationship with this woman, currently?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

Perhaps I should really just try to be a distant friend and see if she comes around one day? She is my brothers friends ex wife.  

Delete and block her. Don't be friends or keep hanging around someone uninterested, confused and especially  someone's ex. Aim higher. Find interested, free and  clear women to date .

[BaileyB]

This is a little too close for comfort, if you ask me. It sounds like she wants to be friends. I would back off and focus my attention elsewhere if I was you.

BTW, the feelings you have are not best described as love. You are attracted to her, infatuated with her, just want to keep some perspective here. 

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

At this point she keeps texting me but I am trying not to respond to her.  Its been really hard for me because I care about her alot. She didn't do anything wrong to me yet I feel like I am punishing her.  I don't want her to feel abandoned but at the same time I definitely dont know / dont think she is thinking about the situation. Maybe she doesnt even know I feel this way and hasnt really thought about the situation. 

This is the risk you take when you try to turn a friendship into a romantic relationship - the boundaries become blurred and everyone is confused. It’s fine to take your shot, but you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. In some cases, the consequence is the loss of what was otherwise a nice friendship. 

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

At this point she keeps texting me but I am trying not to respond to her.

I feel crippled by this and its affecting my work and other life activities.   

Perhaps I should really just try to be a distant friend and see if she comes around one day?

That could work, although I think that approach works better when you don't have strong feelings. She'd have to stop texting you too. If she won't, it might be easier to just go NC.

You could consider asking her why she keeps texting. Then ask her directly if she actually is interested in starting a romantic relationship and carefully parse that answer. She probably won't say yes (although there's a chance) but she might not say no either. What she says MAY be revealing.

"Feel crippled" could mean a lot of things. Could it be that you've concurrently developed depression? That might explain things. MDMA causes a "down" refractory period - perhaps you want to take a break from things that impact your brain chemistry for a bit? Mild depression can sometimes be addressed in as little as two weeks with support such as therapy.

Could it be limerence? If so you'll need to wait it out (much longer than you'd probably like, unfortunately). IF that's the case, making it essentially impossible to contact her might help.   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Talking to a therapist might be a good idea if you "feel crippled".

[lucidmonkey]

5 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I'm confused. What is the status of your relationship with this woman, currently?

We are just friends but I am confused because we went on a date and she started using the words "We" but shortly after I tried to kiss her and give her gifts she said "I am definitely not sure I am ready for a relationship right now but appreciate your presence and friendship" .  She keeps telling me she wants to go on trips with me though and called me her BESTIE the other day...  

I guess I always had the answer but keep refusing to accept it.  

I think i just need to get over it. Its so hard because of how I feel about her right now but I need to just get my own life together at this point. 

[lucidmonkey]

This forum fricken rocks btw.  You guys are so supportive and clear and concise. Would love to see how I can contribute one day when im not a mess. 

[lucidmonkey]

So it has gotten a bit worse. I feel a little depressed because on one hand I want to tell her how I feel but I dont want to push her away. On the other hand I want to just let it go and hope that it happens organically.   I don't feel like she has intentionally led me on but im going insane these days.  I went out with all my friends last night and i couldnt even be around them or really socialize.  I have not been depressed for a very long time, last time was 15 years ago and it was triggered by e and a girl as well.  

I tried not texting her for 10 days while she was on vacation and I felt a sense of guilt so I ended up texting her to see how her trip went, the conversation was like we never stopped texting in the first place and she even suggested that we travel together next time which is even more confusing. 

Should I just rip the band aid off and tell her how I really feel again?  There is a 90 percent chance that she will say she doesnt know, or that she doesnt see me that way, but at least i will be set free?  Thoughts? 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, lucidmonkey said:

Should I just rip the band aid off and tell her how I really feel again?

No just be friendly, that's it. Either ask her out on a real date or hold your peace.

Stop using recreational drugs. get into detox/rehab if necessary. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about the recreational drugs, anxiety and depression.. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[lucidmonkey]

I talked to her last night and I finally have closure.  She liked me too but has so much scar tissue that she doesn't even know who she is anymore.  She cant in good faith bring another person into her life.  

I am going to try to put my feelings aside and be there for her as a friend and realize that we will never be together.   

Much love to all of you. 

[glows]

4 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

I talked to her last night and I finally have closure.  She liked me too but has so much scar tissue that she doesn't even know who she is anymore.  She cant in good faith bring another person into her life.  

I am going to try to put my feelings aside and be there for her as a friend and realize that we will never be together.   

Much love to all of you. 

Good of you to speak up as risky as it might have been or scary. Keep things in perspective if she’s just a friend. Remember that she has other friends she can call on and you do not have to behave like something more to her. Take care of yourself.