In love with a divorced woman that got cheated on

[lucidmonkey]

Apologies for opening this up again.  I feel like I just need to clarify.  Ive been wanting to follow up on this and looking back at our conversation..  I think I keep holding onto the fact that she told me she has feelings for me (although im not sure how strong).  

Couple of blockers for her are: 

1. She has some medical problem related to ovarian polyps that may be cancerous 

2. She knows my ex and is worried I will break up w her like I did with my ex 

3. She is 7-8 years older than me this is a big concern for her. 

4.  She is thinking deeply about what her life means and is wondering where its all heading for her

5. We know alot of the same people and are in the same friend group 

6.  She doesnt know if she is ready for a relationship and really wants to be friends first

I thought I was able to compartmentalize but we are part of the same friend group that hangs out once in a while. I think its weird because we were supposed to go to dinner with all friends but they all flaked and it was just me and her at dinner.  We had such an amazing time and laughed together alot.  After this, she made an excuse to buy me dinner and get an item from me (just us two). We kept hanging out with other people occasionally and I finally asked her on a date and she said yes.   On the date I was so confused because she mentioned we are too similiar and she doesnt tend to like guys that are similiar to her.  She also jokingly asked me to go over to her place in a seductive manner but I dont think she meant it... After it was time to pay, she pulled out her credit card and I said "Hey I asked you on a date, so ill pay.  She responded with " Oh, I thought you were joking about this being a date".     She also asked me to go on a trip with her and in the beginning I thought it was just us two, and it would be a 15 hour ride just us two... She then later asked if I wanted to invite my friends.... There seems to be a ton of miscommunication and misinterpretation on both sides... 

The weird thing is everytime after dinner she always wants to spend more time, like get dessert or check out another party etc.  Im confused about my feelings for her because when I am with her sometimes I feel like I could see her as just a friend.  BUt when we are apart, I obsess over her.   After the date I didn't kiss her.  Im now regretting it because I havent seen her for two weeks or really heard from her.  I figured she wanted some space, but its looking like we are drifitng more and more each day.   

My logic is... if she really wanted it to happen, it would have already happened no matter how broken she is right?  Why would she agree to dates w me and then give me mixed signals? 

She didnt really ghost me but the conversation just kind of died out and we havent spoken for two weeks.  I suspect she doesnt want to lead me on anymore and is confused about her feelings as well.  Apparently she has been going out and partying but im so confused.  

Should I just let this no contact period be a way for me to finally let go and not reach out to her ever again?  

I care deeply for her as a friend and also hope to explore a romantic realationship for her but im just so confused at how she feels.  This has been going on for too long now and we haven't even kissed so have I answered my own question? 

I want to be empathetic toward her because she is definitely broken due to her past relationships but I just feel so conflicted still.  Could it be that I am confused about whether I really want to pursue her and she is reflecting that toward me or something?

My strategy right now is to focus more on myself and just let things go.  If we dont talk for 1 month - 2 months then I have my answer but it feels excruciating because it might be some miscommunication that I am overlooking. I want to come forward again with my feelings but I just don't think it will change anything, and I dont want to push her away.  I care about her alot and dont want her to feel hurt that we arent talking like I am. 

Any tips on how to move forward?  Im having a really hard time with this. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

She couldn't be clearer that this isn't going to become a relationship, OP. 

She has given you a laundry list of reasons why seriously dating each other is out of the question for her. Sure, she keeps you in her back pocket for when she wants company but she does not intend for it to go further than that. 

It's not a miscommunication. She isn't waiting for you to tell her your feelings again. She is simply living her life and being friendly with you when it suits her, and now she's letting it fizzle. She knows you like her but since she doesn't feel the same way, she is likely intentionally putting space there so you don't get the wrong idea. It's going to be best to let go of the idea of someday winding up together, and not reach out to her anymore.

[lucidmonkey]

I guess its hard for me because she said she had feelings for me.  We also see each other in friend group settings and she keeps initiating group chats even though we have not had 1 on 1 texts for 2-3 weeks.  I guess I already know my answer and have known it for a long time.   Maybe after some distance I can try to be her friend again or something

 

Thank you 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

I guess its hard for me because she said she had feelings for me.

That may have been the case at one time, but she's since had a change of heart. It's quite evident that she no longer feels that way and doesn't wish to explore a relationship with you. 

8 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

Maybe after some distance I can try to be her friend again or something

Only do this if you will be able to handle hearing about or meeting the next guy she dates. Otherwise, you will be setting yourself up to get hurt all over again. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

 she keeps initiating group chats .

Delete and block her. Be cordial in groups but there's no reason to engage with her in the group chat.

Broaden your horizons. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses. Make new friends.

Don't limit dating to this narrow group.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

[lucidmonkey]

I wanted to give everyone an update because it meant so much to me that you guys gave me really good advice. After the last message in October I tried to explain to her how I felt honestly and openly and told her that I was confused.  Half of me really saw her as a good friend, and the other half of me was in love with her.  These diametrically opposed halves of me were in constant struggle...   The part that wanted to be her friend couldn't be in a romantic relationship with her, and the part that was in love with her couldnt bear to be her friend. I know to many this sounds like bullshit, but it was the best way I could describe how I felt. 

 I told her I needed some time to process, but she just wouldn't leave me alone.  She kept checking up on me to see if I was ok, asking how im doing and texting me (out of care as a friend).  Everytime I thought I was clear to leave me alone, she would text and reach out to me. I finally asked her to meet up and hang out and I told her that I couldn't talk to her anymore because there was a part of me that was in love with her. She balled her eyes out that day and said "How could you even be in love with me?  You dont even know me"  I told her not to blame herself and I never talked to her again.  I told her one day we could be friends again, but for now we needed to go our separate ways.  This was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do, even harder than breaking up with my girlfriend of 5 years.  It all started making sense recently why I felt this way though. (wont get into detail since yall probably already know and understand the Anxious and Avoidant trap) 

  Ive been on a long journey of self discovery and healing and have learned so much about relationships because of this event. 

x  Ultimately I think this situation revealed to me that I am missing parts of myself that I was hoping she could fill, and that I never forgave myself for cheating on my previous LTR.  I dont think I ever forgave myself even though she doesnt know.  Part of me felt that if I gave enough love to this broken women, that maybe I can absolve myself of my own guilt.  In a [ ] way I still love her very much, even though we weren't even anything.  At the end we were barely friends.  Ive slept with the last 3-4 girls that I dated but it didnt mean as much to me as this person who I didnt even kiss.  Life is bizarre like that sometimes.   

I am talk to a new girl that I met off hinge now, and so far its going well, and she is prettier and healthier than Stacy, but my subconscious still has some attraction for Stacy. ( although i believe I am getting over it )  Its taken 7-8 months of not talking to her at all to slowly get rid of the feelings.  They are still there, but muted by time.  Thanks again everyone.  

P.S.  For this new girl we are on date #4 and still haven't kissed.  Does anyone have tips on how to get there?  We played golf the other day and I massaged her and she told me Harder and groaned... I guess its a good sign.. but I am not sure if she likes me. Our first date was just lunch but turned into 6 hours and she mentioned she thinks we are too similar.. and maybe we should just be friends..  The weird thing about her is she was my plus one to an invite only event and flirted with me by telling all the  other guys I was her boyfriend?  Date #3 was golf and I massaged her in a slightly intimate way... and after that she sent me a goodnight text after dropping her off... Any tips on how to proceed? 

Edited June 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[JTSW]

I'm glad you are doing so well OP.

I think this new girl doesn't know what she wants.

She is messing you around allot.

You've had 4 dates so ask her straight if she see's it going anywhere with you.

You have a right to know so you don't waste your time again.

Edited June 27, 2023 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

 . Our first date was just lunch but turned into 6 hours and she mentioned she thinks we are too similar.. and maybe we should just be friends..  

If you are going to keep asking her out you need to make it clear that you're not looking for friends and golfing pals.

[lucidmonkey]

I am now in a healthy relationship with her.  The sex is great but there is some chemistry lacking . We have had sex 40-50 times now and overall she has a higher sex drive than me since I find myself not wanting it as much as her. Other than that she is perfect in every way.  healthy family, healed, good career, sexy, good heart, clear with her intentions and truly loves me.  

I felt like we said I love you a bit fast but aside from that this is the healthiest relationship I have been in in a long time.  The only problem is that its TOO perfect and she wants me badly so I feel like im taking her for granted and not as attracted. Does this mean I have become a bit avoidant or something?  On the surface I give her reassurance that I love her and spend as much time with her, but there is 1-2 percent of me that is ok with losing her since I have her already.   Im going to therapy and processing this and I dont want to [mess] it up.    This girl is amazing in her sexuality and introduces other women into our fantasies and lets me 

  For some reason there is a part of my subconcious that keeps gravitating to the previous woman, who it would have never worked out with. Stacy was damaged in every way possible but for some reason i still care about her.  I feel this is unfair to the new relationship but the feelings for this previous woman are subsiding. 

Im thinking that there might have been some damage done with this pseudo situationship?  At the end of the day she led me on with her brokenness and for some reason i was attracted to that and still am.  How do I deal with this?  I love the new girl and want to make it work with her but I cant seem to forget Stacy whom I was never even in a relationship with or even a healthy friendship. 

Edited August 23, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

The only problem is that its TOO perfect and she wants me badly so I feel like im taking her for granted and not as attracted. Does this mean I have become a bit avoidant or something?

No. It means you're just not that into her. 

You're going through the motions of a relationship while not actually being that into it, in your heart and mind. 

15 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

I love the new girl and want to make it work with her but I cant seem to forget Stacy

Honestly? You probably need to be single for a while. Reset. You're not dating this new woman for the right reasons, and you were pursuing the previous one for all the wrong reasons too. 

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, lucidmonkey said:

 For some reason there is a part of my subconcious that keeps gravitating to the previous woman, who it would have never worked out with. Stacy was damaged in every way possible but for some reason i still care about her.  I feel this is unfair to the new relationship but the feelings for this previous woman are subsiding.

Yes, dysfunctional but sexy trainwrecks and emotionally unstable women can actually be very appealing for some reason. But they're ultimately not going to be good partners. IF you've found a good partner, leave Stacy in your past where she belongs and focus on enjoying what you have now, which has much better chances of lasting.