Is Dad having no boundaries, or am I a glassbowl?

[basil67]

Given how toxic and hateful your father's behaviour is, I think your son is wise and brave in refusing to engage with him or do nice things for him.  Yes, it's awkward for you being in the middle of it but your son has the absolute right to remove people who are rude or disrespectful from his life, no matter who they are.  I strongly believe you should support your son's autonomy and choice.   It will be awkward, but if it becomes necessary, I suggest you tell your father outright that his behaviour is hateful and as a result your son wants nothing to do with him and that you support his decision.  

 

 

[chillii]

 

l agree , there's many things you should've talked to you father about for decades. You might've gotten a pleasant surprise , we all did with my dad.

[Acacia98]

I'll just respond to your first post, OP. I haven't had the chance to read your subsequent posts.

First things first, I come from an extended family with some family members who have plenty of narcissistic traits. Your dad sounds like them. These relatives of mine don't really have affection for their kids. They play favorites, clearly favoring the kids who are famous or successful and being dismissive of and cruel to the ones who are not. A change in a kid's socioeconomic status results in an immediate change in the level of interest the parent shows. I think that's the black sheep/golden child dichotomy I've heard folks talk about.

To me it's surprising that you still interact with your dad at the level you do and try to tell him what's acceptable and what's not in the name of being assertive. I don't think he hears you or cares about your opinion. I don't think he's going to change. Frankly, I think your son's way of dealing with the situation is healthier. He filters out the stuff that he knows will hurt him and engages when he is emotionally prepared to. Sounds good to me. You don't have to try to fix his relationship with your father or explain anything on his behalf.

It's good enough that your son engages as often as he does and visits when he does. As for your interactions with your dad, do what works for you. But consider getting some counselling to help you put things in perspective and cope with the frustrating bits.

Edited May 28, 2022 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

On 5/24/2022 at 6:26 AM, BluEyeL said:

. I did tell my dad that “we” don’t reply to his emails because they are. we don’t like, express ideas he knows we don’t agree with, and we simply have nothing good to say 

Live individually. Your son is old enough to manage his time and social media and communication.

"We" sounds like a unit.  You can't control your father. What you can do is set up your email to send this to the spam box and reset your social media to more private settings. 

Review how to better organize your social media so people don't post stuff you don't want on it.

[BluEyeL]

Thanks for taking the time to comment and provide your thoughts . Just a minor note: nothing is happening on social media, just in person and over email. 
 

Well, I’m on a flight to the US, returning from my home country. The dad situation went from bad to worse and I feel a mixture of emotions. Anger, shame, doubt, confusion. 

I’ve been in my home country for 2 weeks. My son only stayed one week. In the first week, dad made garden variety  offensive comments, most of which I let go, a few of which I called him out on. Some examples. While looking at old family photos he was snickering and telling others how ugly a relative was, by using derogatory terms (mind you, the girl was 14 in that picture). We were visiting a relative and dad said “Blu will not like what I say but she’s so… untranslatable derogatory term to mean ugly”. I said calmly , yes , I call him out on making comments about how people look. People look the way they look, it’s unkind to keep making such comments.

Another time that week, he was happily talking about H, one of his bigoted (female) friends from the US. He was chirping on how H had said [highly offensive slur removed] ! I was appalled and I said what a horrible thing to say! What gives her the right to say such an awful thing? Dad waved at me dismissively , as a means to show contempt for my annoying ways.

My son later told me I’m being too mean to dad and to let him say whatever he wants. I know he wants acceptance and I’m also confused as whether he is right and I’m too mean.

Well last night we were having our last time together on the patio, with my sister, when dad brought up H again. I don’t even remember what he said about her but something came over me and I said could you please stop bringing her name up around me ? [  ]  Dad started t grimace and said with the dismissive wave “I really pity you, you are so close minded! “. He kept repeating with contempt, how much he pities me, also mockingly saying “poor you! Something is wrong with you!” I ended up being the one to apologize as not to upset my sister, who isn’t as combative and wants to keep peace at all costs. I feel devalued, talked down to, and I’m angry about this treatment. At the same time I feel sorry for not keeping my cool and reacting that way . It’s just hard and I don’t know what to do. 
 

This morning he did drive me to the airport and said a rather perfunctory goodbye, not waiting to see me through security like he usually does. 
 

I think I’ll definitely keep my distance and will seek therapy .

Edited May 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed highly offensive comments

[BrinnM]

You are both stubborn, I believe. See, even your son said something along those lines, and he was there with both of you for a week. Trust your son’s observations; maybe you and your dad are just too similar to get along. Or maybe you’re both a little self-righteous.

For example: The last evening on the patio with your sister: Why did you have to say “don’t mention H around me”, and your Hitler comment, etc. Was that necessary? He didn’t mention her name in the context of something that was offensive to you that night, so you could’ve just let that one slide, if you don’t even remember what the particular topic was during that conversation.
To some extent, it sounds like you guys have some contest going on about who should have the last word on everything. Sometimes ignoring something is better than commenting on literally everything.

Edited May 28, 2022 by BrinnM

[BluEyeL]

13 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

You are both stubborn, I believe. See, even your son said something along those lines, and he was there with both of you for a week. Trust your son’s observations; maybe you and your dad are just too similar to get along. Or maybe you’re both a little self-righteous.

For example: The last evening on the patio with your sister: Why did you have to say “don’t mention H around me”, and your Hitler comment, etc. Was that necessary? He didn’t mention her name in the context of something that was offensive to you that night, so you could’ve just let that one slide, if you don’t even remember what the particular topic was during that conversation.
To some extent, it sounds like you guys have some contest going on about who should have the last word on everything. Sometimes ignoring something is better than commenting on literally everything.

Thanks. You’re right . I should not have done that. I need to learn to detach.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BluEyeL said:

He was chirping on how H had said “if I could make all the Jews disappear from the planet I’d be so happy “! I was appalled and I said what a horrible thing to say! .sister who isn’t as combative and wants to keep peace at all costs.

I think I’ll definitely keep my distance and will seek therapy .

Yes distance yourself. Reset all your social media and don't let him comment/view, messaging apps email to automatically place his rhetoric in the spam folder.

Keep in mind he may have signs of dementia. Google it. Your sister is wise not to engage in combativeness. It's futile. Why aggravate yourself with this? Don't make yourself crazy. 

Edited May 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

3 hours ago, BluEyeL said:

Thanks for taking the time to comment and provide your thoughts . Just a minor note: nothing is happening on social media, just in person and over email. 
 

Well, I’m on a flight to the US, returning from my home country. The dad situation went from bad to worse and I feel a mixture of emotions. Anger, shame, doubt, confusion. 

I’ve been in my home country for 2 weeks. My son only stayed one week. In the first week, dad made garden variety  offensive comments, most of which I let go, a few of which I called him out on. Some examples. While looking at old family photos he was snickering and telling others how ugly a relative was, by using derogatory terms (mind you, the girl was 14 in that picture). We were visiting a relative and dad said “Blu will not like what I say but she’s so… untranslatable derogatory term to mean ugly”. I said calmly , yes , I call him out on making comments about how people look. People look the way they look, it’s unkind to keep making such comments.

Another time that week, he was happily talking about H, one of his bigoted (female) friends from the US. He was chirping on how H had said “if I could make all the Jews disappear from the planet I’d be so happy “! I was appalled and I said what a horrible thing to say! What gives her the right to say such an awful thing? Dad waved at me dismissively , as a means to show contempt for my annoying ways.

My son later told me I’m being too mean to dad and to let him say whatever he wants. I know he wants acceptance and I’m also confused as whether he is right and I’m too mean.

Well last night we were having our last time together on the patio, with my sister, when dad brought up H again. I don’t even remember what he said about her but something came over me and I said could you please stop bringing her name up around me ? I’m not sure who she thinks she is, Hitler ? Dad started t grimace and said with the dismissive wave “I really pity you, you are so close minded! “. He kept repeating with contempt, how much he pities me, also mockingly saying “poor you! Something is wrong with you!” I ended up being the one to apologize as not to upset my sister, who isn’t as combative and wants to keep peace at all costs. I feel devalued, talked down to, and I’m angry about this treatment. At the same time I feel sorry for not keeping my cool and reacting that way . It’s just hard and I don’t know what to do. 
 

This morning he did drive me to the airport and said a rather perfunctory goodbye, not waiting to see me through security like he usually does. 
 

I think I’ll definitely keep my distance and will seek therapy .

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Two weeks is a long time to spend with someone who is like this despite him being your father. I'd rethink a stay that long or stay with another relative if you go back home.