Advice on a complicated situation

[lounee32]

Long story… 

22 year old girl who has been with partner for two and a half years. We get on like a house on fire, such a healthy, happy and fun relationship. If ever there was a problem, we talk about it and resolve it immediately. 

However, my boyfriend is going overseas for 4 months with his mates, a trip which I am unable to go on due to commitments. He began questioning wether the relationship would work for that length of time apart due to time differences etc. I agreed but was willing to hit a chance. He decided that it would be too tough on us both, and that he would rather end the relationship here now, before travelling in six weeks time. I had accepted that the relationship was over, and we went our separate ways. The breakup was clean, simple and we were on very good terms still. 

A week later we got in contact and decided to meet and talk since we both had time to clear our minds after the breakup. We met and he expressed how hard he was finding the breakup and knows that he had made the wrong decision already, how good we were together and that it was a mistake. Despite this, we both knew that now it would be too difficult to repair the relationship and strengthen it enough to healthily spend four months apart, in the short six weeks that we have. 

Things were left at that until another few days had passed and he asked me to meet again. I agreed, but was going to the conversation with the intention of saying that I believe a spell on no contact would make it easier on us both. When we met to talk, he expressed that one of his parents had just been diagnosed with cancer. He expressed how I was the only one he could talk to and asked if I would help him if he needed to talk. Meaning so much to me, I of course agreed and told him I would be there for him. 

The situation now means that he is unsure if his trip will proceed, all depending on how ill his parent is and if he has to stay. We had the conversation that if he does stay, then we will get back together, and if he is going then we will still remain separated. During all of these talks since separated we have had much fun, enjoyment and love shared despite the bad news. We both know now more than ever that we want to be together, but that is now dependant on if he is staying to care for his parent or not. As much as I hope his parent recovers well and is okay, the potentiality of him staying and us being together has made us both excited and really happy. 

I must now wait a number of weeks to find out if he is staying or leaving. I am looking for advice on how to cope with the waiting from now til then since the unknown of the future is causing me much distress. Any advice on this waiting time, or advice on how to deal with either outcome would be much appreciated. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, lounee32 said:

However, my boyfriend is going overseas for 4 months with his mates, a trip which I am unable to go on due to commitments. He began questioning wether the relationship would work for that length of time apart due to time differences etc. I agreed but was willing to hit a chance.  

I must now wait a number of weeks to find out if he is staying or leaving.

Sorry this is happening. It seems like he planned to be free to do whatever he wants on this trip. Step back and reflect if you want to wait for someone who was willing to end it so he could have no-strings fun, but now crawls back just in case it's a called off. Make sure you're not being strung along.

Edited May 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

He seems a bit flaky and is also dealing with the shock/grief of a parent's cancer diagnosis. Depending on how able you are putting your emotions aside, it'd also influence whether you're able to be a friend to him. 

I think he hasn't seemed like much of a boyfriend to start and is in grief and vulnerable. 

Could you elaborate a bit more on why the four months seems like such a big deal in the larger scheme? What did he say to justify the break up? You've been dating for two years. Four months is a drop in the bucket. I'd be wondering if this person lacks long range planning or seems whimsical or maybe he's insecure and comparing himself to his buddies (lacks self-confidence). 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lounee32 said:

We both know now more than ever that we want to be together, but that is now dependant on if he is staying to care for his parent or not.

Why?  If you both know you are in love and want a future together what's preventing him from running back into your arms when the 4 months is over?  Lots of couples who are in love have to separate either for the service, college, internships, etc., but stay a couple because that is who they want to be with and eventually marry.  He's just going away with his mates for 4 months and wanted to end it until he realized he may need emotional support from you if his parent has a terminal diagnosis.  That's not fair to you and then to tell you if they don't have a death sentence he will break up and party with the boys as planned.  Um, how does that sound to you?

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, lounee32 said:

We both know now more than ever that we want to be together, but that is now dependant on if he is staying to care for his parent or not.

No, it isn't. 

He is framing it that way because he wants his freedom with on the road with his buddies. But OP,  4 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things, especially if your relationship was a strong one. With tecnology being what it is too, you easily could have stayed together and stayed in touch while he was away. Sure, it would have been crappy to be apart but I don't see why you had to break up over it. 

That is your cue that he isn't as invested as you are anymore. He chose to throw it all away rather than try, and that should tell you a lot. It sucks, but if he wanted to be with you, he would have found a way to manage those 4 months. And now he's trying to tell you that he still wants to be with you, but only if he doesn't wind up going away? Yeah, no. Again, this is a guy who wants to be free to have fun with other girls during his travels.  You two are young and he wants to explore and maybe see what else is out there. 

I am sorry he is struggling and I have no doubt he's upset right now, but if a man wants to be with you, a trip abroad would not interrupt that. You need to wake up and smell the coffee here, girl.

[S2B]

Stop allowing him to use you while he hasn’t prioritized you for his future.

he dumped you! I hope you haven’t had sex with him when he asks to meet up! 
 

spend some time away from him. You don’t need to be his crutch - he needs to learn to handle his stressful life situations on his own.

again - stop allowing him to treat you like you are second rate.

[petee]

On 5/21/2022 at 7:47 AM, S2B said:

Stop allowing him to use you while he hasn’t prioritized you for his future.

he dumped you! I hope you haven’t had sex with him when he asks to meet up! 
 

spend some time away from him. You don’t need to be his crutch - he needs to learn to handle his stressful life situations on his own.

again - stop allowing him to treat you like you are second rate.

I can’t help but think this is a case of having cake and eating it.

If his trip is so important why could he not wait for you to make it with him later on? Is the idea of splitting up so he can ‘enjoy’ himself with no guilt or commitment? 
It’s obviously your decision, but if this is a lads holiday/ travelling session then he’s not that into you.

I do hope it works out, but kind of think this will be a sad ending if you invest anymore.

[vla1120]

On 5/20/2022 at 1:50 PM, lounee32 said:

I must now wait a number of weeks to find out if he is staying or leaving.

I'm sorry to hear about his parent, but he was willing to throw away the two years you were together so he could be free to do what he wanted for four months (a drop in a bucket in time.) Now, he keeps trying to pull you back in. He wants you on his terms. Be wary of his intent. He does not seem honorable. 

[flitzanu]

On 5/20/2022 at 3:22 PM, stillafool said:

Why?  If you both know you are in love and want a future together what's preventing him from running back into your arms when the 4 months is over?  Lots of couples who are in love have to separate either for the service, college, internships, etc., but stay a couple because that is who they want to be with and eventually marry.  He's just going away with his mates for 4 months and wanted to end it until he realized he may need emotional support from you if his parent has a terminal diagnosis.  That's not fair to you and then to tell you if they don't have a death sentence he will break up and party with the boys as planned.  Um, how does that sound to you?

right?  it seems like this guy literally said "if my parent dies, i'll date you.  if my parent lives, we are staying broken up."