Why does this person make me feel crazy

[jerrygordon3]

7 hours ago, salparadise said:

Sounds like she's enjoying this power you've given her to play your strings. Up and down again and again like a yo-yo. You realize that's never going to change don't you –– crazy needs an audience, or a victim, to play against. Otherwise, well... it's good of you to keep raising your hand, saying pick men pick me, when she feels the need for a golden sprinkle. You're doing the world a service by keeping her occupied and entertained... when you could be selfishly enjoying some plain old self-flagellation. You're the yang for her yin. It's big of you to choose that sacrifice. 

amen. shes always been like this. even in the beginning made me lose my mind I just stuck it out because she has a presence. such sex appeal. shes attractive. but not gorgeous. she has... idk just a presence idk how else to describe it. the sex was amazing. the chemsitry was amazing. and falling in love wth her was also amazing. we both had a great time. then once we lived together it got even better. I started seeing how good she really could be/ was to me. then the war started and shes back on her BS. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I'm also extremely loving/ respecftul, dont call names, tender.... non abusive.. all that...  BUT a cold a**h*** if you mess around.

Apparently not, or you woudn't be in this position right now. 

You'd have cut her off coldly and completely. Zero contact. But  jerry, let's get real. The narrative you have in your head about how cold you are doesn't match up to your actions, thus, she knows the tough-guy persona isn't exactly the truth. 

You perpetuate the drama and have poor boundaries with her. You're not the "cold a**h**" you want to be. 

[jerrygordon3]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Apparently not, or you woudn't be in this position right now. 

You'd have cut her off coldly and completely. Zero contact. But  jerry, let's get real. The narrative you have in your head about how cold you are doesn't match up to your actions, thus, she knows the tough-guy persona isn't exactly the truth. 

You perpetuate the drama and have poor boundaries with her. You're not the "cold a**h**" you want to be. 

All my exes have said I'm an easy guy to date and extremely nice. But I also meet women easy and have always been good at moving on. What I mean. But this girl was different for me. And she's dragged her feet about her decision. Watched me try too. After apparently breaking her heart so bad by being an ice cold man "" and also the first to break up w her 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, jerrygordon3 said:

But I also meet women easy and have always been good at moving on.

So, why do think you haven't been able to do so here? 

That is on you. Not her. 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

All my exes have said I'm an easy guy to date and extremely nice. But I also meet women easy and have always been good at moving on. What I mean. But this girl was different for me. And she's dragged her feet about her decision. Watched me try too. After apparently breaking her heart so bad by being an ice cold man "" and also the first to break up w her 

If she's dragging her feet, then she's unsure about giving you another chance.  If you've dumped her once, it's only a matter of time till her behaviour drives you nuts and you dump her again, so she's right to be wary.   Especially considering that it sounds like you still want her to change.  

Or if you don't want her to change, have you reassured her that she can be a maddening as she wants and you won't leave her again?

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

. I get girls easy.

Ok. Delete and block her and get busy doing that. Stop licking your wounds. It was a mess even before this idea of relocating together to a tropical island.

[jerrygordon3]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

If she's dragging her feet, then she's unsure about giving you another chance.  If you've dumped her once, it's only a matter of time till her behaviour drives you nuts and you dump her again, so she's right to be wary.   Especially considering that it sounds like you still want her to change.  

Or if you don't want her to change, have you reassured her that she can be a maddening as she wants and you won't leave her again?

 

I just think its disrespectful and childish to not learn how to communicate and act off of emotions. sure i get frustrated but i never yell, call names, gaslight. But as time went on i called her out for being a brat. expecting me to carry all the weight and then deal with tantrums. my friends were there in cambodia once we left ukraine. and they even asked me to leave her. she was a queen. I love her but like... give me something. act right. be an adult. 

 

when we were in ukraine it wasnt like that. not often. she loved me and we both had security. I want us back there. thats the thing. we both know how it was, what we felt, everything. weve agreed on it. shes wary of course and I understand it but if shes heartbroken and also telling me to move on... then I guess she wants me to beg for her back.. im just not willing to do it anymore... I  need to see that im not going to have another stress tick/ aneurysm. I dont want to jump through hoops of fire to win her affections when she never really apolgized for acting the way she did. but as soon as she starts to reach a point where I think shes going to say something like ya lets work things out.. she doesnt... she stops herself. I guess she has good reason now that Im thinking about it. shes prideful, I think shes also a little insecure.. and I've noticed it more and more since we left. I think she feels like shes lost her stability entirely and not just through us. But I wanted so bad for both of us to stay together and her not to feel this way. but after weeks of doing my head in I finally snapped. I went completely cold and emotionless and watched her cry for days following me breaking it off. I just couldnt give a s*** anymore. I was done.. then a couple days later I cooled off and thought about her sitch, us, how she must be feeling. so we talked. and she just said she couldnt forgive me.. which is BS.. she put my head through it for weeks and I have 2 damn days where I cant stand her s*** anymore and just want to scream "leave me alone and give me some space"... and I've just broken her so deeply.. some oscar worthy behavior. I apologized so many times and she just brings up how I hurt her at her worst. But the fact that i took out half my savings to get us out of a war zone and do whatever I could to make sure she had everything she could want. only once we got to cambodia on some tropical island did she decide it was the worst place ever... she didnt help me.. not emotionally, as a team, as a friend. she just put everything wrong on me and us... shes stupid... idk how else I could possibly see the situation. she lit a match in a house and stood in the flames. we had everything and had every tool to make it out alive and together but she identified every single potential problem and just seemed to ride it until I couldnt deal with her anymore.

[jerrygordon3]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, why do think you haven't been able to do so here? 

That is on you. Not her. 

because I'm a solo traveler and awhile ago I realized I want somewhere to belong. And when I met her I realized it wasn't where but who... I fell in love with her. And she became home.. I can't really explain it but... IDK you know when someone makes it to the deepest layer of you.. I just felt at home, at peace, and Ukraine became home.. I was emotionally set in. Like a train on rails. We went through some heavy s*** together and we both still love each other but it just isn't looking like it's going to work out. She lost everything in a way. But in a way I did too... My family is in California. I'm a planet away with no home and bag full of clothes again working online and roaming the planet. Can't complain I mean I'm living the dream life in Bali. But I'm ready for steady. I've been all over the world and had insane experiences. Survived multiple wars. Watched sunrises from mountains all over the world. Met people from all over the world. flew around in helos and blown s*** up. dove in almost every ocean. The way I see it I'm on borrowed time. If I died tomorrow I wouldnt be upset. I've done it all. But damn I guess im just ready to settle down and real stuff with someone is hard to find.. shes not good for me always.. most of my friends dont like her. its why im not chasing.... but the feelings were there..big time.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

because I'm a solo traveler. My family is in California. I'm a planet away with no home and bag full of clothes again working online and roaming the planet. Can't complain I mean I'm living the dream life in Bali.

Ok, so follow your dreams but keep in mind, your dream life roaming around is not everyone's. Arguing 24/7 isn't a dream life, no matter where you are.

[Alpacalia]

Both of you are incapable of establishing strong boundaries between yourselves.

Your relationship ended on your own terms and for valid reasons.

The emotional vampy character and her behavior both irked you.

If she had not realized all those patterns on her own, I doubt a solution would have been found.

Lay out the dividing lines with grace and love, and let her decide which side of the fence she wishes to stand on.

Why not focus on the new girl instead?

That's just my opinion, and I'm not trying to influence you. Your life, your choices. Drama is cool for some people, though. If you are that person then it might be a perfect relationship for you. You obviously feel some magic with this person. 

Sure, you've broken up with her, but you want her back. Why? Life is dull without her. Deep down, though she tortured you, you loved working for her forgiveness and trying to please her.

Who is the problem, her or you? The easy life appeals to you, but you also like drama.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Both of you are incapable of establishing strong boundaries between yourselves.

Who is the problem, her or you? The easy life appeals to you, but you also like drama.

This!!

It’s time to move on from this woman. If you want to have a quiet life, you need to change the settings on your picker.

Edited May 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

2 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

because I'm a solo traveler and awhile ago I realized I want somewhere to belong. And when I met her I realized it wasn't where but who... I fell in love with her. And she became home.. I can't really explain it but... IDK you know when someone makes it to the deepest layer of you.. I just felt at home, at peace, and Ukraine became home.. I was emotionally set in. Like a train on rails. We went through some heavy s*** together and we both still love each other but it just isn't looking like it's going to work out. She lost everything in a way. But in a way I did too... My family is in California. I'm a planet away with no home and bag full of clothes again working online and roaming the planet. Can't complain I mean I'm living the dream life in Bali. But I'm ready for steady. I've been all over the world and had insane experiences. Survived multiple wars. Watched sunrises from mountains all over the world. Met people from all over the world. flew around in helos and blown s*** up. dove in almost every ocean. The way I see it I'm on borrowed time. If I died tomorrow I wouldnt be upset. I've done it all. But damn I guess im just ready to settle down and real stuff with someone is hard to find.. shes not good for me always.. most of my friends dont like her. its why im not chasing.... but the feelings were there..big time.

The issue with making a person your home is that people are fallible and flawed. Placing all of your happiness on a relationship isn't wise in the long term. And believe me, a person does feel the weight of that pressure to continuously measure up to what you expect because you've placed all that on them. 

Work on more stability in your life. If you like where you are now, work on a real home, real community with the locals and find peace in more ways than just a relationship or a romantic partner. I think the heart of this is wanting to be accepted and loved wherever you are. You can find that in many ways with other people in the community, your neighbours, people you interact with on a daily basis, through the country and what enjoyment you take from the land or sea living there. Don't fall into the trap that many make making a person their home. It doesn't work that way. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I just think its disrespectful and childish to not learn how to communicate and act off of emotions. sure i get frustrated but i never yell, call names, gaslight. But as time went on i called her out for being a brat. expecting me to carry all the weight and then deal with tantrums. my friends were there in cambodia once we left ukraine. and they even asked me to leave her. she was a queen. I love her but like... give me something. act right. be an adult. 

In the whole history of trying to get someone back after dumping them, an approach of "I want you back but you need to change" has likely never resulted in success.  Why would any person agree to that?  Especially when, as the dumpee, they hold all the cards.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you're planning to walk away from this.  Have you blocked her on all means of communication yet?

[Beachead]

@jerrygordon3

On 5/21/2022 at 8:14 PM, jerrygordon3 said:

im the one who moved on quick.

But you haven't.  Be real with yourself.  Continuing to stay in touch and leaving things open for discussion are indications of someone who is far from over it. 

When you are actually over it, you won't even be on here, posting about it because you will forget to think about it because you'll be busy enjoying your life.  By that point, it'll already have been a long time since you've acknowledged the big picture, accepted it, grieved it, and moved passed it.  At this point, you will feel more like yourself again, but with the added maturity of the experience.   Maybe the thought of her, would no longer appeal to you anymore.  Maybe someone else will.

That is not you right now.

Right now, you two are disconnecting from one another via a series of half-a**ed breakups, because calling it quits completely, is too much to swallow at the moment.  Eventually, you two will part ways, but when you both are ready.  

- Beach

Edited May 23, 2022 by Beachead

[jerrygordon3]

21 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Both of you are incapable of establishing strong boundaries between yourselves.

Your relationship ended on your own terms and for valid reasons.

The emotional vampy character and her behavior both irked you.

If she had not realized all those patterns on her own, I doubt a solution would have been found.

Lay out the dividing lines with grace and love, and let her decide which side of the fence she wishes to stand on.

Why not focus on the new girl instead?

That's just my opinion, and I'm not trying to influence you. Your life, your choices. Drama is cool for some people, though. If you are that person then it might be a perfect relationship for you. You obviously feel some magic with this person. 

Sure, you've broken up with her, but you want her back. Why? Life is dull without her. Deep down, though she tortured you, you loved working for her forgiveness and trying to please her.

Who is the problem, her or you? The easy life appeals to you, but you also like drama.

well said and true. I do love the drama. a bit at least. 

The boundaries I set are completely normal: just act like an adult. She acted like daddies little princess. She loves me but her character doesn't fight for someone. Shes back in her shell and if it's between sacrificing some grace and her mental safety or saving a relationship shes choosing the first. The only way back is for me to take the fall and hustle her back into my life. I'm 35 and I want her, had her, and we had a good life together in Ukraine... But I'm not willing to dote on her while she complains about how she's 100% the victim. As they say, " effort is sexy".

[jerrygordon3]

21 hours ago, glows said:

The issue with making a person your home is that people are fallible and flawed. Placing all of your happiness on a relationship isn't wise in the long term. And believe me, a person does feel the weight of that pressure to continuously measure up to what you expect because you've placed all that on them. 

Work on more stability in your life. If you like where you are now, work on a real home, real community with the locals and find peace in more ways than just a relationship or a romantic partner. I think the heart of this is wanting to be accepted and loved wherever you are. You can find that in many ways with other people in the community, your neighbours, people you interact with on a daily basis, through the country and what enjoyment you take from the land or sea living there. Don't fall into the trap that many make making a person their home. It doesn't work that way. 

well said.... I guess I'm a bit of a loner and working from a laptop. I'm a solo traveler and realized a year into traveling that in all its glory, every avenue has its flaws. traveling solo is loneliness and isolation. So finding one spot is hard. as soon as you do it's all about well, this is cool but I havent seen the next place. maybe it will be better. so i hop on a plane and then over time just get lonely af. not enough time to put down roots or create a community. so you meet someone and they inevitably are the ONLY person in your inner circle. In Ukraine I made some friends so that was great but generally its just a whole different maze. 

[jerrygordon3]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

In the whole history of trying to get someone back after dumping them, an approach of "I want you back but you need to change" has likely never resulted in success.  Why would any person agree to that?  Especially when, as the dumpee, they hold all the cards.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you're planning to walk away from this.  Have you blocked her on all means of communication yet?

I haven't blocked her on anything it felt childish and mean. I just don't follow her IG. I just felt like I had found it. A home... I miss it.. I guess the war kind of did mess things up for me too even though I'm american. 

[jerrygordon3]

9 hours ago, Beachead said:

@jerrygordon3

But you haven't.  Be real with yourself.  Continuing to stay in touch and leaving things open for discussion are indications of someone who is far from over it. 

When you are actually over it, you won't even be on here, posting about it because you will forget to think about it because you'll be busy enjoying your life.  By that point, it'll already have been a long time since you've acknowledged the big picture, accepted it, grieved it, and moved passed it.  At this point, you will feel more like yourself again, but with the added maturity of the experience.   Maybe the thought of her, would no longer appeal to you anymore.  Maybe someone else will.

That is not you right now.

Right now, you two are disconnecting from one another via a series of half-a**ed breakups, because calling it quits completely, is too much to swallow at the moment.  Eventually, you two will part ways, but when you both are ready.  

- Beach

Ya I guess I haven't moved on as much as I think. I just miss "home" perhaps and I'm reluctant to let it all go. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I haven't blocked her on anything it felt childish and mean.

No. In this case, it's self-preserving. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I just miss "home" perhaps and I'm reluctant to let it all go. 

Relax and live like Ernest Hemingway in Key West or Paul Gauguin in Tahiti. "Home" is not knock-down-drag-out fights .Find more productive "drama" and pursuits.

[Beachead]

@jerrygordon3

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

Ya I guess I haven't moved on as much as I think. I just miss "home" perhaps and I'm reluctant to let it all go. 

Yes, that's part of grief and it's completely normal.  You've come to realize things aren't right between you two but struggle to walk away from the familiarity and comfort your relationship provided.  This is why many of us are unable to cut it off completely and move forward.  It's painful.   

People often breakup in steps as a result, unintentionally.  Moving on comes much much later.  Sometimes it can take a few years depending on the circumstances.

Right now, the best thing for you to do is to look at the big picture of your situation here.  As an example:

• Accepting her for who she is, rather than who you want or need her to be.  Accepting that this is the nature of your relationship.  Can you get right with it or not? 
• If not, accepting that leaving is best course of action because you are unhappy with the way things are.  You've done all you can do and leaving is best for YOU because staying means you will continue to be miserable.  Do you want continue to be in this broken mess of a relationship a year from now as well?  Make no mistake, time can fly fast and it will happen very easily.  This misery will prevent you from moving forward, growing, and reaching your potential. That includes potentially meeting someone who is a better fit for you.  

Mapping things out logically like this will help you understand what you should do and why you should do it and that will relieve some of the difficulty of letting go.  You will have to consistently remind yourself of these things as you will find yourself constantly forgetting.  People function like addicts during breakups.  We want to go back to our partner, no matter how painful or miserable the relationship is, because it's familiar. Comfortable.  Whereas leaving it behind, leaves us looking ahead at a future unknown, and that's scary.

You should get yourself a journal and start putting your feelings to paper.  Based on that, begin writing out a way to get out of it.  Journaling is a very underutilized, underrated tool.  I got over my last 2 breakups using it.

Goodluck man

- Beach

Edited May 23, 2022 by Beachead

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I haven't blocked her on anything it felt childish and mean.

It's probably because you still want to hear from her and do not want to cease communication.

[glows]

2 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

well said.... I guess I'm a bit of a loner and working from a laptop. I'm a solo traveler and realized a year into traveling that in all its glory, every avenue has its flaws. traveling solo is loneliness and isolation. So finding one spot is hard. as soon as you do it's all about well, this is cool but I havent seen the next place. maybe it will be better. so i hop on a plane and then over time just get lonely af. not enough time to put down roots or create a community. so you meet someone and they inevitably are the ONLY person in your inner circle. In Ukraine I made some friends so that was great but generally its just a whole different maze. 

If you want to put down roots and change your approach, why not? Rethink the way you’ve been doing things. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over expecting anything to be different. If you’re moving all the time for work maybe this isn’t what you see yourself doing in the long run. Have plans for yourself and find more purpose in your life. 

[mark clemson]

On 5/21/2022 at 5:05 PM, jerrygordon3 said:

shes used to being a pain in the ass... its true. shes not horrible. just incredibly frustrating and has more games than milton bradley. but.. I did truly truly love her. and she loved me. we had a deep relationship. but i couldnt handle the s*** anymore once the war started. she was acting a fool constantly. i dumped her and then tried to make up for it. she just plays games now. she had every opportunity to try and communicate effectively and ask to meet. even something.. a crumble. a tidbit. something. she gets right to the point, and then never asks. never gives me an oopening. just argues for a week, then says goodbye I wish you all the best..its infuriating. ( side note, im actually educated and write for a living and teach english, have degrees in medicine. I swear im not an idiot. I just am hammering the keyboard fast cause im not getting gradded so sorry for typos.)

People fall in love with the WRONG person all the time. It's (emotionally) painful but, at the risk of repeating what essentially everyone else on this thread is telling you, just bite the bullet and move on.

As the the WHY, it's possible you have limerence for her. Also possible that it's just the normal "breakup blues" that we all sometimes get with a breakup.

Edited May 23, 2022 by mark clemson

[basil67]

9 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I haven't blocked her on anything it felt childish and mean. I just don't follow her IG. I just felt like I had found it. A home... I miss it.. I guess the war kind of did mess things up for me too even though I'm american. 

Back in the old days when we didn't have social media, when we broke up with a person they were just gone from our lives. "poof..gone"   With no remnant of them around, it was far easier for us to get over that person and move on.   Yes, sometimes they may still call us on the phone, so we'd tell them that there is nothing to talk about.

Blocking isn't childish or mean.  Rather, it's a tool which enables people to move on more easily, like we were able to do.   Also, I used 'block' in a generic sense.  A simple unfriending also works if her profiles are set to private.  But if they aren't private, blocking is about saving yourself from curiosity and pointless engagement.