Jennyk Posted May 22, 2022 Share Posted May 22, 2022 I've been in a committed relationship for 14 years with a man whom I love with all my heart.we got together and got pregnant right away and have been together ever since.i was blindsided the other day when he started crying and told me he's not in love with me anymore. I'm so confused so I finally got it out of him.he is interested in another women he claims nothing has happened because she is married but a part of me didn't belive it I want him to go to therapy with me I asked him to give me 4 weeks to see if it will help im very lost and I don't know what to do our daughter whom he is very close to is crushed and his patterns of abandoning his kids scares me im just at a total loss he's my best friend Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 22, 2022 Share Posted May 22, 2022 7 minutes ago, Jennyk said: he's not in love with me anymore. I'm so confused so I finally got it out of him.he is interested in another women. our daughter whom he is very close to is crushed and his patterns of abandoning his kids scares me Sorry this is happening. Go to therapy yourself to unpack and sort things out privately and confidentially. Try to not "repair" or "save" this relationship. Often the admission of an affair is to force the other partner to leave. Either way, don't beg, pled or cater to this. Tell him to sleep on the sofa/guest room. Stop sleeping together and get tested for STDs. How old is your daughter and why is she informed of this? Even if your relationship needs to end, he will need to pay child support and petition for visitation. Try not to put children in the middle of adult problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 22, 2022 Share Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) What do you mean his pattern of abandoning kids? Does he have other children from other women? Don't stay with a man who isn't in love with you. It will be more damaging to your daughter in the long run when she sees that her mother puts up with BS like this. Also leave your daughter out of your private discussions as a couple. Until it comes time to separate, if it comes to that, all she needs to know is that your partner and you are no longer together but you will always be her mother and he will always be her father. Your relationship issues have nothing to do with her and her relationships with her parents are intact and secure. Can you describe your relationship and your dynamic? Edited May 22, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 22, 2022 Share Posted May 22, 2022 (edited) 24 minutes ago, glows said: What do you mean his pattern of abandoning kids? Does he have other children from other women? Don't stay with a man who isn't in love with you. Exactly what I was going to say. I’m very sorry that this is happening to you Jenny, that’s a long time to be in a relationship with a man and you share a child together. But, if he wants to be with another woman - I would say go. I’m not about to try and convince a man that he should want to be in a relationship with me. Counselling is fine, when both partners are committed to working on issues and growing/healing a relationship. It doesn’t sound like you have that here - individual counselling for yourself would be a much better use of your time and money. Take care. Edited May 22, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 On 5/22/2022 at 10:34 AM, Jennyk said: I don't know what to do our daughter whom he is very close to is crushed and his patterns of abandoning his kids scares me im just at a total loss he's my best friend Does he have more children from other woman? Depending on your daughter's age, try to shield her from this drama. Also, I know you're hurting right now, but he is not your best friend. He betrayed you. Get angry. Talk to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Take care of yourself and your daughter by seeking therapy for the two of you. Also, he hasn't been intimate with this woman, he just claims to be "interested" in her, but he's willing to blow up his life (and yours, and your daughters??) I call foul. He probably doesn't want to admit he's been with her because she's married and that might make things difficult for her if the truth gets to her husband. He doesn't deserve you for the sorrow and anguish he's putting the two of you through - especially if he has a habit of abandoning his kids! Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 On 5/22/2022 at 4:34 PM, Jennyk said: I've been in a committed relationship for 14 years with a man whom I love with all my heart.we got together and got pregnant right away and have been together ever since.i was blindsided the other day when he started crying and told me he's not in love with me anymore. I'm so confused so I finally got it out of him.he is interested in another women he claims nothing has happened because she is married but a part of me didn't belive it I want him to go to therapy with me I asked him to give me 4 weeks to see if it will help im very lost and I don't know what to do our daughter whom he is very close to is crushed and his patterns of abandoning his kids scares me im just at a total loss he's my best friend My perspective: the other woman is not necessarily the root of the problem. Your partner may have slowly gotten into a situation where he felt increasingly unhappy, but survived by facing life one day at the time. And then at some point in time there is OW and his hormones play up and he experiences his feelings come alive and becomes painfully aware of the closeness in a romantic relationship that he's been missing. Whether or not they are in an actual affair or he has "only" developed a big crush, may not even be that relevant. OW could merely be the catalyst of emotions that have been around much longer. In this post I am giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and I am assuming there is no affair going on. Is there is, things will change. I understand you want to stay together. You write that you love him, call him your best friend, write that you feel very lost and you're begging him to stay for only a few more weeks. Don't beg for him to give you 4 weeks. Don't beg. You are his life partner, mother of his daughter and you are his equal. You deserve his respect and your own. You should not maneuver yourself into such a vulnerable and dependent position. About "not in love anymore". after 14 years, I guess that's how things tend to go. It hardly seems like a proper explanation for wanting out of a relationship. It's not like every long married couple are in love like newlyweds but it's not like they're all getting a divorce because of it either. So why does your partner I believe you should be having two conversations. One is the open and honest talk about the feelings for OW. No need to blame him just yet, but just hear him out what's so amazing about her (and in the mean time you will know if there is more to it than "interested"). The second conversation you should be having is about why he feels unhappy, what it would take to make him happy again. It is possible to fall back in love after many years of not feeling that way. I know first hand. It will take a conscious decision and effort from both sides, to invest more time and love into the relationship. A final question: what is this you write about "patterns of abandoning his kids"? Has he abandoned a relationship with children before? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts