My Husband has fathered a child. I don't know if I want to continue reconciliation.

[7779311]

I'm searching for some, advice. I've stressed myself senseless and I'm torn, and simply lost. 

My husband of 23 years had an affair with a woman who worked for his company.  The affair lasted several months, 5 to be exact. I discovered the affair by catching them in bed. In a Motel 8. I left him then.

He ended the affair, she quit the job and relocated. I took our kids and moved to Southern California. My husband was remorseful, he was very ashamed and disgusted with himself. He realized he had hurt not only me, but the kids, our families were torn. He swore to make it right. He sought help and he worked hard to improve himself. I just started to improve myself rebuilding my self esteem. focusing on my children, scaling my business.

My husband and I started talking over the phone, he answered all my questions, he was patient. Eventually, I agreed to seek marriage counseling and we did this all online because we were on opposite coast. He flew out to see the kids, and he was flooding me with love and gifts, we had deep talks. We have been married for 23 yrs.

We have wonderful kids. A great marriage up until the affair. I just couldn't figure out why, He said he definitely felt like he had a midlife crisis, he had no valid reason for the affair, she flirted and he was flattered, one thing led to another and they were sleeping together. He said he was riddled with guilt, every time he left her and came home to me. He he made no excuses, he knew he messed up and he admitted that he wouldn't blame me if I wanted a divorce.

In February I decided to try and rebuild our marriage. I didn't move back, we were never sexually intimate. We were rebuilding, the focus was starting over, our old marriage was gone. I was struggling with trust. early April, my husband gets a call, from his Ex affair partner. She is living in Toronto and she just gave birth to a baby girl. 

The baby is his. He is a utter mess. I thought I could get past this, but, I don't think I can. She's become demanding and controlling over him. He has become extremely protective and needy of me. He feels that I want to give up, and I know he's scared. This has become overwhelming. 

I'm trying hard to protect my kids, they are begging for us to get back together. Its breaking my heart. I feel like I should just divorce him, but our kids have suffered so much. 

I'm not making excuses for my husband,  but he has put in the work.He has proven remorse. I will give him that. It's me. I don't know what to do. He flew out to visit, I feel even more heartbroken, we discussed his baby, and  how will co-parent with the other woman. It was just overwhelming,  we missed our counseling session because we were trying to figure out how to make all of this work!! What do we tell the kids. 

My husband is becoming desperate for me to come home, he's rushing reconciliation, because I know he fears losing me. He wanted sex and he was being very sexually inappropriate towards me,  we haven't even reached that point in our reconciliation yet! So why would he assume that we would suddenly be sexually intimate. I can see he's hurting. He's told me he's hurting and he apologizes for all the pain he caused. I am thankful, I have a husband who is trying. But his fear of losing me, is causing him to push his baby away and speak disrespectfully towards the mother. I don't want to cause division. His daughter needs him. She didn't ask to be born into this. But he made the comment that, he wish he had known the woman was pregnant because he would have made her get an abortion. This bothers me. The husband I know would never say something so cold and harsh.  

I really love him. I thought we could make it work, after the affair. But now with a baby. I don't know if it's possible now. I'm just a mess. I have to make a choice that will not only affect me, but our children as well.  I literally get sick stressing about it.  Any advice would be appreciated

Edited May 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting and paragraphs

[glows]

Are either of you discussing potentially getting back together with the kids? If so, avoid this. Don't include them in those updates. I'd keep any conversations discreet especially if any of your children are still living at home with you. 

The news of the new baby is big news and you don't have to make any decisions right away. Don't be pushed or rushed. You're seeing someone (your spouse) in their true form so take your time to absorb what's happening.

I also hope you saw a doctor and were tested for STDs after you left. Also see a lawyer regarding any factors or issues regarding a potential divorce. Have the information ahead of time instead of letting your thoughts get ahead of you. Even if you don't decide to divorce, not having that information is a disservice to you.

You're in shock also so look into private counselling while you unpack all the issues in your marriage and your feelings about the baby. You are not expected to make a decision like divorce on your own. Get the right info and support. Do NOT rely solely on your husband for that support or isolate yourself. It's not appropriate given the circumstances as the fabric of your relationship and marriage has changed. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, 7779311 said:

he made the comment that, he wish he had known the woman was pregnant because he would have made her get an abortion. 

The best thing you can do is consult an attorney for your options in the event of divorce. 

How did it come about that you went to the motel they were at? Did you have him followed? Does he have a history of philandering that you know of?

How old are your children?

Your estranged husband doesn't want an expensive divorce. He's not sorry about anything. In fact he blames the mistress for getting pregnant, as if he had nothing to do with that.

You need to separate your finances legally asap. He's on the hook for child support and as a married couple you are a financial unit.

Privately and confidentiality see a therapist to unpack and sort all this out. Staying may be much worse for your well-being than trying to fix him or the marriage.

[Will am I]

Wow, what a story.

 

I think your choice to reconcile is a realistic choice. Contrary to many infidelity stories, you describe a marriage that was generally happy and well functioning. You have shared half your lifes and have children together. If you are both able to place yourselves emotionally past the affair, reconciling and staying in the marriage may be the path to maximum happiness down the line.

These days there are alternatives which are socially accepted. But these alternatives as a divorced parent are not all perfect and rosy. Compound families, alimony and child support payments, visitation rights, two exes that are always somehow present in the in the background because of the kids. Or a life as a single parent juggling between your job and children. We all have to make our own choices but neither of these options seems very appealing to me.

 

Then comes the child. That makes everything so much more difficult. Because leaving the affair behind is no longer an option. His daughter is there to remind you of the infidelity forever. Instead of leaving the episode behind and moving on, your challenge is now to "accept" or even "embrace" the affair as a traumatic life event that crossed your path. It's so hard to find the right words here. But imagine somebody getting in a car crash and suffering a permanent disability after that. No way for them to move on, they would have to learn and accept their new reality.

 

If you decide to stay married, the affair will always be something in your shared past and his daughter will have a place in your shared present. The choice is yours. I understand it's not an easy one. I believe there are two essential conditions for it to work:

1.whether you like it or not, your husband has a daughter. Don't take that away from him, his fatherhood may be a painful and inconvenient reminder of his infidelity, but the baby girl deserves a father as much as any other baby girl. And your husband deserves to bond with his baby daughter as much as any other father.

2. don't "half forgive" or "half commit". Maybe this is the hardest one, but I firmly believe it's foundational to your chance of future happiness. You write there is no sex and I understand  that it can be hard to allow your husband into your bed again. But at some point in the not too distant future these walls have to come down. Else I fear you'd be setting yourself up for an unhappy continuation of your marriage with your husband feeling rejected. And at increased risk of more infidelity and/or a divorce after spending several unhappy years together.

 

Either you can do it, or you can't. There seems to be no middle ground here. 

If you can, I believe there may be a good future ahead.

If you can't, you and your husband will just have to accept the reality of divorce. He gave his best shot at trying to give you true remorse, you gave your best shot at trying to forgive, it was not enough. You can let go of the anger and accept that you are no longer capable of being happy together and it's for the better to move on.

 

Good luck.

 

Edited May 23, 2022 by Will am I

[Amethyst68]

First things first, have you seen a paternity test confirming your husband is the father of the child? If not then get one arranged, I would recommend doing this through lawyers asap. 

Secondly you need to see a lawyer to find out your position as will as your children's if the baby is in fact his. Find out for definite what you're possibly facing going forward. 

There's no need to rush to make a decision on reconciliation immediately.  You can take your time and figure out what you want to do.  It's fine if this turns out to be a deal breaker for you.

Finally, there is no need for your husband to be in direct contact with the OW. Things can be sorted out using lawyers. Indeed I'd say it's better to get things like custody/ visitation and financial support sorted out officially.  There are parenting apps that can be used only when needed and pick up/ drop off can be arranged with little or no contact with the OW.

Take care of yourself while figuring this out. 

[vla1120]

My first thought was also a paternity test. She had 9 months to inform him, but she waited until she gave birth to tell him he had a child? Tell your husband to demand a paternity test before another decision is made.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are your children?

Yes this is important.  Are your kids almost grown and out of the house?  I ask because you've been married 23 years.  If your kids are almost grown and now there's a baby that your husband will have to co-parent with another woman for the next 20 or so years, do you really want to be a part of that?  How old is the other woman?

Edited May 23, 2022 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, 7779311 said:

early April, my husband gets a call, from his Ex affair partner. She is living in Toronto and she just gave birth to a baby girl. 

They are still communicating and it's unclear why he failed to tell you, not only did they have an affair, but that she was pregnant. Step far far away from this.

Let him fight his own legal battles. He is making your marriage about his mistakes and deceit, lies and crocodile tears. Your concern should not be his mistress, paternity, co-parenting, telling the kids, etc. He made the mess, let him clean it up. 

Only take care of yourself and your children. Talk to an attorney. Your estranged husband needs to do his own dirty-work with regard to your children and the mess he made with this affair..

[glows]

Whatever you decide, it’s your decision. No one else’s and do not let anyone especially him pressure you into making a decision you don’t feel comfortable with. 

Keep in mind that plenty of people will have moral issues with you remaining married to a man like this but none of us will live your life for you. Seek guidance and support from your doctors, therapists and lawyers. The main point is that you shouldn’t be making the decision alone without the input from these professionals. 

I think he’s only concerned about himself and likely has been from day one. You’ll have to take those rose coloured lenses off and see your marriage for what it was. Don’t be afraid to start over if you decide to do it (plenty have) or feel pressured because of your kids. 

Edited May 23, 2022 by glows

[7779311]

On 5/23/2022 at 3:09 AM, Wiseman2 said:

The best thing you can do is consult an attorney for your options in the event of divorce. 

How did it come about that you went to the motel they were at? Did you have him followed? Does he have a history of philandering that you know of?

How old are your children?

Your estranged husband doesn't want an expensive divorce. He's not sorry about anything. In fact he blames the mistress for getting pregnant, as if he had nothing to do with that.

You need to separate your finances legally asap. He's on the hook for child support and as a married couple you are a financial unit.

Privately and confidentiality see a therapist to unpack and sort all this out. Staying may be much worse for your well-being than trying to fix him or the marriage.

I saw a text notification come through on his phone about a pending withdrawl? or hold placed. It says where. I started looking into matters from there. I have never known my husband to cheat. He was always transparent. When he said he was doing something, it was the truth. our children are 11 and 13. They are just heartbroken over all of this. 

[7779311]

On 5/23/2022 at 8:46 AM, Amethyst68 said:

First things first, have you seen a paternity test confirming your husband is the father of the child? If not then get one arranged, I would recommend doing this through lawyers asap. 

Secondly you need to see a lawyer to find out your position as will as your children's if the baby is in fact his. Find out for definite what you're possibly facing going forward. 

There's no need to rush to make a decision on reconciliation immediately.  You can take your time and figure out what you want to do.  It's fine if this turns out to be a deal breaker for you.

Finally, there is no need for your husband to be in direct contact with the OW. Things can be sorted out using lawyers. Indeed I'd say it's better to get things like custody/ visitation and financial support sorted out officially.  There are parenting apps that can be used only when needed and pick up/ drop off can be arranged with little or no contact with the OW.

Take care of yourself while figuring this out. 

I have not personally seen the paternity test. He has and he has had a DNA the works. She is his daughter. 

[7779311]

On 5/22/2022 at 11:18 PM, glows said:

Are either of you discussing potentially getting back together with the kids? If so, avoid this. Don't include them in those updates. I'd keep any conversations discreet especially if any of your children are still living at home with you. 

The news of the new baby is big news and you don't have to make any decisions right away. Don't be pushed or rushed. You're seeing someone (your spouse) in their true form so take your time to absorb what's happening.

I also hope you saw a doctor and were tested for STDs after you left. Also see a lawyer regarding any factors or issues regarding a potential divorce. Have the information ahead of time instead of letting your thoughts get ahead of you. Even if you don't decide to divorce, not having that information is a disservice to you.

You're in shock also so look into private counselling while you unpack all the issues in your marriage and your feelings about the baby. You are not expected to make a decision like divorce on your own. Get the right info and support. Do NOT rely solely on your husband for that support or isolate yourself. It's not appropriate given the circumstances as the fabric of your relationship and marriage has changed. 

No we haven't discussed reconciliation with the kids. They're still you 13 and 11. We have not even told them about the baby. I did in fact get a full panel STD check after I left him. I just feel so violated and abused. I am certain I am still suffering shock. I feel out of sorts because I have not been without this man in 23 yrs. Our kids miss him and it hurts me that they no longer have their father. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, 7779311 said:

Our kids miss him and it hurts me that they no longer have their father. 

This is what would make reconciliation a very difficult (if not impossible) endevaour for me. 

He betrayed you, which is bad enough. But he also enormousely betrayed his own children. He risked your kids' comfort and security and stable family life, and he blew it up - big time. It is his fault they're hurting now. 

This is not a man I would ever be able to respect again. He failed as a father. 

[OKtoday]

Sometimes, we are air-lifted out of a situation, because a better life lies ahead.

It’s not always understood, at the time.

My husband started an affair while I was pregnant with twins, he left and they married. Changed my life and I didn’t think I’d ever survive those years. 

Today, I see this as one of the best things that ever happened to me. Of-course, I did not think this during those earlier painful years, when I just wanted to keep my marriage together, but after the cloud lifted, I changed! I was gifted a fairly positive, healthy, peaceful life and I somehow excelled in many ways, which also helped my boys. I let what was best for my boys guide me in dealing with every situation under the sun. I put effort into finding happiness daily…and wherever I could find it. I learned that if you lose something, it doesn’t mean you will now have less..  you may end up with MORE.

Our boys are 20 now. One’s in the Marines, the other, in the Navy. They survived too.

I’m not sure if it’s right or wrong to write this as I can only imagine the pain that you are faced with today. Please know that I’m thinking of you.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, 7779311 said:

. I just feel so violated and abused. I am certain I am still suffering shock. I feel out of sorts because I have not been without this man in 23 yrs. Our kids miss him and it hurts me that they no longer have their father. 

Sorry this is happening. You feel violated and abused because you were. He did this to your kids. Protect yourself and your children only

Do not involve yourself in his other life/other family, legal problems, DNA whatever.

Follow through with the divorce. Only take care of yourself and your children. Consult an attorney asap.

When you file for child support for your children, you need to be first in line. Ask your attorney why.

Your husband is a philandering cheater and this lovechild is the universe screaming at you to divorce asap.

Cease contact with your husband except about the children. Let your next communication with him be a summons for divorce.

[Will am I]

Neutral observation: the recent posts all gravitate heavily towards divorce, whereas OP originally had the intention to reconcile (but started doubting when she became aware of the extramarital child). 

So what changed (and what didn't)?

1. the fact that OW got pregnant does not change anything about the infidelity itself. The duration, intensity, etc. of the affair, all could have been identical without a pregnacy to show for it and it would be excactly the same infidelity.

2. the fact that husband has a daughter does impact the future options for OP. The mere existence of DD will be a painful reminder of the affair and there will likely be some practical and financial implications towards the future. Child visitation, child support payments etc. Because of these implications, the recent discovery poses a new complication for the reconciliation plans. These are not things that OP can change. She can learn to live with these circumstances, or she can't, or she won't.

3. the fact that the pregnacy remained secret for several months is a sign that there has been a lack of honesty during the earlier reconciliation attempts. I wonder at what point in time OW told her affair partner about the pregnacy. It's plausible that he didn't know straight away because the affair had ended. But when did he know? Even if OP can put herself past point 2, maybe this represents another episode of husband being not trustworthy. So also point 3 can be a deal breaker.

 

[glows]

7 hours ago, 7779311 said:

No we haven't discussed reconciliation with the kids. They're still you 13 and 11. We have not even told them about the baby. I did in fact get a full panel STD check after I left him. I just feel so violated and abused. I am certain I am still suffering shock. I feel out of sorts because I have not been without this man in 23 yrs. Our kids miss him and it hurts me that they no longer have their father. 

I'm glad that you had an STD check. You were violated and abused in your marriage. The trust and marital vows were entirely violated. In your vulnerability he attempts to keep coming back but you're in shock. OKtoday's post particularly stands out to me because it emphasizes the wellbeing of her children and their welfare guiding all her decisions. That's something only experience can give you.

In my experience the dissolution of a marriage isn't often instant or clear. It may look obvious to outsiders like friends and family looking in that it's over but the way it feels when you're the one going through it is often not the case at all. It is the tearing apart of lives and it's excruciating. What outsiders see are two markers: the separation of a couple, the filing of divorce. No one sees the process or transformation you go through if you're in shock, coming down from it and radically changing your life plans (the whole inside job that you do while you completely change the course of your future). You were with him for 23 years and likely depended on one another for many things. Overcoming that shock is difficult. My suggestion is not to dampen that but validate what you yourself feel over the coming months and start preparing yourself regardless because the point is to be prepared in the event of a divorce. This is the day to day advice and the sleepless nights you will face and the private tears you may cry. It took me eight months to decide at the end of one year that filing for divorce was the answer for me. I'm only saying this to reiterate the point that reaching that point can take some time.

I'd go back to OKtoday's post and reread it as a source of hope and inspiration, also guidance in reference to your children. 

My thoughts in regards to cheating are that it takes a special type of person to do so, the same goes for liars or anyone who keeps relevant information from partners. I don't believe that it stops at one because the mindset and approach that it took to get to an extramarital affair can repeat itself in other opportunities in the future. This is my personal belief. Unless a person goes through intensive therapy and changes their entire personality and character in a massive feat over years of rehabilitation, these character traits and approaches overall don't ever change. This is not to say that I don't have empathy for personal difficulties and challenges that a person may have that may lead someone to cheat. Where it comes to the stability and happiness of my life, no, I wouldn't have someone like that around again or allow that person to affect me that critically again in any part of my life. 

I can only echo Oktoday's thoughts and let you know also that I'm also thinking of you. Write if you need to write and if it seems like you're going back and forth some days, I can tell you from experience that it's not unusual. You don't have to have all the answers right away but do prepare for as many outcomes as possible. 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

On 5/22/2022 at 7:23 PM, 7779311 said:

 A great marriage up until the affair. 

Any advice would be appreciated

I disagree that you were abused. Perhaps an "abuse" of your trust, but that is a different, more specific thing. That said, you do appear to be very understandably traumatized.

You'd be traumatized if your house burned down, too. (And in a way, metaphorically, it did.) What would you do if that had happened?  You'd "rebuild" - "pick up the pieces and move on" as they say.

If the baby is "a bridge too far" for you (and it's easy to see how that could be) then it's understandable if you find yourself unable to reconcile.

IF that's the case you must "pick up the pieces and move on" but without your husband's support. No doubt that makes it a lot harder. However, as pointed out above, that doesn't mean that you can't find a happy, contented, and meaningful life for yourself. Divorce isn't easy, and it's not something I'd recommend; however, it's ALSO true that plenty of people divorce, for all sorts of reasons, and go on to do just fine once they've gotten their life back in order. So clearly that's doable for many, many people.

[7779311]

On 5/23/2022 at 9:20 AM, stillafool said:

Yes this is important.  Are your kids almost grown and out of the house?  I ask because you've been married 23 years.  If your kids are almost grown and now there's a baby that your husband will have to co-parent with another woman for the next 20 or so years, do you really want to be a part of that?  How old is the other woman?

The kids are sill in the home. 13 and 11. So he will be supporting 3 kids. For many years to come. The Other Woman is 37. She has no other children. She's divorced. She was a step-mother and from heresay, her ex husband will not allow her to see his children. Not sure why??? I'm not sure if it's just due to a toxic  failed marriage or if she had issues with the stepkids. 

It's all around a sick and sad situation that he has gotten himself into.

 

[Starswillshine]

I don't have much words of advice. Each circumstance is different and each person is different. 

That being said, I would also like to share some words of encouragement. I tried really hard to reconcile (my situation was vastly different. He played the part of the husband who did the work, except behind my back, he was still deceiving, hiding info, staying involved, etc). It took a full 18 months from the start of discovery (and it was 18 months of trickle truthing) before I could decide to even do a separation. But once we separated, I immediately filed for divorce. I was with my xH for 20 years. We have 4 children. 2 were HS age and 2 still in elementary. Still extremely young (youngest was only 6). I will say, when he moved out, it was one of the most devastating moments. Telling the kids that daddy was moving out still gives me nightmares. I never thought I would hit through this. I was scared of what this would do to my kids. And let me say, it was rough for a moment. My youngest needed therapy. It was tough. REAL tough. 

5 years later... seriously, besides the pain that my kids went through, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I thought I had a great marriage and relationship. I thought we had this perfect fairytale. I had no idea how it could really be. I went back to school, graduated, started a career, started a new relationship, and I am getting married next year. I would have never left my husband. I loved him and I thought that was as good as it would get. I didn't realize the happiness I was missing. Even without my fiance, my life would be beautiful and amazing. I would still be extremely grateful for his affair. Sometimes, these things are just a way to make room for something more beautiful. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, 7779311 said:

The kids are sill in the home. 13 and 11. So he will be supporting 3 kids. For many years to come. The Other Woman is 37. She has no other children. She's divorced. She was a step-mother and from heresay, her ex husband will not allow her to see his children. Not sure why??? I'm not sure if it's just due to a toxic  failed marriage or if she had issues with the stepkids. 

It's all around a sick and sad situation that he has gotten himself into.

 

I'm sorry to hear this. Not everyone thinks before they act.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, 7779311 said:

It's all around a sick and sad situation that he has gotten himself into.

This is the key. Protect yourself and your children.

Do not even talk to him about being a babydaddy to his mistress's child, since he is still lying that it was a "surprise" baby.

Let him pay an attorney $250./hr. to listen to his drivel. He made his bed, let him sleep in it and pay for it.

[7779311]

17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is what would make reconciliation a very difficult (if not impossible) endevaour for me. 

He betrayed you, which is bad enough. But he also enormousely betrayed his own children. He risked your kids' comfort and security and stable family life, and he blew it up - big time. It is his fault they're hurting now. 

This is not a man I would ever be able to respect again. He failed as a father. 

I feel the same. I feel more anger at how he Blew up our kids lives, security and comfort. And I feel he is about to do the same to this baby girl. I considered reconciliation, but as I have been reaching out for advice and seeing a new perspective. I see that he has a terrible attitude that I never knew. The remark of being so okay with abortion. Not wanting this little girl in his life, she can just be paid off and she can find a Daddy elseware. I know I'm still just in shock and pain. But, man I'm seeing a side of him I never knew exisited. 

[7779311]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the key. Protect yourself and your children.

Do not even talk to him about being a babydaddy to his mistress's child, since he is still lying that it was a "surprise" baby.

Let him pay an attorney $250./hr. to listen to his drivel. He made his bed, let him sleep in it and pay for it.

I've come to realize that, I am right about not wanting a reconciliation. I'm seeing a side of my husband I never knew. A side that is truly UGLY.

[Will am I]

6 hours ago, 7779311 said:

I've come to realize that, I am right about not wanting a reconciliation. I'm seeing a side of my husband I never knew. A side that is truly UGLY.

The topic started with the words “I don’t know” in the subject line.

Now you do know. Your mind is made up. It may not be a romantic happy ending, but it’s closure nevertheless.

Wishing you the best as a single mom and maybe a good new relationship down the line.