Self honesty

[hotpotato]

Hi, all. I did some honest self reflection, and im pretty sure I'm gonna be single the rest of my life. I may have a few encounters with men, but I doubt anything will work out in the long term. 

I think I was better girlfriend material when I was younger. Now I know there is a lot out there I want to do and experience. It's my life, and intend to live it to the fullest. The last one (which didn't last) was always asking questions. "Why do you want to do that? "Why, why, why?" I need someone who understands me, and I've never had that. 

I dont want that. I love my life to the fullest! I need someone who understands that. I do understand that living life to the fullest may not make me a good wife or girlfriend.

What most guys are offering is sex and movies, and I dont feel fulfilled by that. The last one felt like he was getting in the way of everything I do, which he kind of was. One time he asked if I could pencil him into my schedule. 

Another guy invited me over so we could do "nothing." No, thanks.

I decided I want to be myself in life even if it meant being by myself. I do have some quirks!

 

[vla1120]

There is nothing wrong with quirks! The more comfortable you are being alone, the more difficult it becomes to fit someone into your life as it is without making sacrifices and/or changes to accomodate him. My daughter recently decided a marriage/long term relationship is just not in the cards for her. She is very happy living alone. She comes and goes as she pleases and does what she wants without the need to "answer" to someone or take anyone else into consideration when she is making plans. That being said, do not be surprised if, some day, you meet someone with whom you click, who doesn't require you to make changes and/or sacrifices for him to fit into your life. He'll just naturally fit and he'll understand (and support) you just the way you are.

[Happy Lemming]

20 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

 I do understand that living life to the fullest may not make me a good wife or girlfriend.

I completely understand...  In my youth, I was nomadic and didn't stay in one place too long.  This made me poor husband material, as most women do not want to move around.  Personally, I only met one woman that had a slight thread of that "nomadic gene" in her DNA, the rest did not.

I even had one woman ask me (after dating about two months) if I was done with my wanderlust ways, as she wanted to plant roots and have children.  I answered honestly, that I didn't know... but probably not.  I knew this answer would get me dumped, but this woman was in her mid-thirties and having children was a priority for her.

32 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Now I know there is a lot out there I want to do and experience. It's my life, and intend to live it to the fullest.

Can you expand upon this?? 

34 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

The last one (which didn't last) was always asking questions. "Why do you want to do that? "Why, why, why?

The last one felt like he was getting in the way of everything I do, which he kind of was. One time he asked if I could pencil him into my schedule. 

Another guy invited me over so we could do "nothing." No, thanks.

Where are you meeting these guys??

[hotpotato]

48 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I completely understand...  In my youth, I was nomadic and didn't stay in one place too long.  This made me poor husband material, as most women do not want to move around.  Personally, I only met one woman that had a slight thread of that "nomadic gene" in her DNA, the rest did not.

I even had one woman ask me (after dating about two months) if I was done with my wanderlust ways, as she wanted to plant roots and have children.  I answered honestly, that I didn't know... but probably not.  I knew this answer would get me dumped, but this woman was in her mid-thirties and having children was a priority for her.

Can you expand upon this?? 

Where are you meeting these guys??

Basically, I want to travel plus I have very time consuming hobbies. Add those to my obligations. I just about stay moving.

The last guy I attempted to date I met at a festival.

[glows]

I think some search too hard and end up not really living. Continue as you are making improvements for yourself. If you do feel open to a relationship one day you’ll know better whom and what is compatible with you. Don’t rush these things.

When you’re ready for something like a relationship you may see potential partners as more than sex and movies or steer away from those activities and inadvertently find a much more meaningful relationship. Live your life fully and be confident in your choices.

[dramafreezone]

4 hours ago, hotpotato said:

What most guys are offering is sex and movies, and I dont feel fulfilled by that. The last one felt like he was getting in the way of everything I do, which he kind of was. One time he asked if I could pencil him into my schedule. 

 

Well what is it that *you* want from men?  Someone that's not attached?  An open relationship?  I think there are lots of guys out there that would be happy to let you live your life and meet up when the time suits both of you.

You are allowed to go out there and seek the type of man that has the characteristics that you want.  I know that's not how things are traditionally done but you don't see to be a traditional type of person.

Edited May 23, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Foxhall]

Yes you sound quite an attractive type of lady to me,

Hypothetically I am quite happy for a perspective partner to have her own interests and pursuits,

I suppose having some activities that we could join together on is also important, while also it is good to have our own space and time,

balance probably is key rather than setting "absolutes" which may trip you up in the long run.

 

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, hotpotato said:

It's my life, and intend to live it to the fullest.

 

To many, living life to the fullest includes a long term relationship. Settling down and having kids for many is as full a life as it can get. I think what you mean is that a full life for you isn't one that's conducive to a traditional long term relationship. But it doesn't have to right? You can find someone just as adventurous as you are if you want. Or not.

[chillii]

lt doesn't sound like your selecting very carefully , terribly. Why would you even bother meeting someone that just lives movies and sexual. First thing on your agenda should be that they're also very active and hopefully a little like minded and maybe also into a few of the things you might be.. l've known plenty of guys that are wayyyyy too active for their gf's or wives actually , even my partner tells me all the time l have so much energy she can't believe it and l'm 50s. ps ha , l don't think l have that much at all actually haha , known plenty of guys way more energetic than me but eh, nother story.

Anyway , stop wasting your time on these sluggers this sort of thing is so easily known from the get go there's not even any need to even bother dating them.

[hotpotato]

On 5/24/2022 at 3:03 AM, chillii said:

lt doesn't sound like your selecting very carefully , terribly. Why would you even bother meeting someone that just lives movies and sexual. First thing on your agenda should be that they're also very active and hopefully a little like minded and maybe also into a few of the things you might be.. l've known plenty of guys that are wayyyyy too active for their gf's or wives actually , even my partner tells me all the time l have so much energy she can't believe it and l'm 50s. ps ha , l don't think l have that much at all actually haha , known plenty of guys way more energetic than me but eh, nother story.

Anyway , stop wasting your time on these sluggers this sort of thing is so easily known from the get go there's not even any need to even bother dating them.

He was fine. 🙂 He would get into a rut of working and then coming home. We met one day when he dragged himself out the house. We do like some of the same things. 

I dont know if being really active is a good selling point for a girlfriend. 

At this point I have to pick from what's left if I want to date, or mate poach. Ot also has to be mutual. There may be a perfect guy out there for me, but he may already be married. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

18 hours ago, hotpotato said:

There may be a perfect guy out there for me…

 

There isn’t. Perfect for you doesn’t exist. No man’s life’s purpose is to be your perfect partner. Unrealistic expectations will keep most folks stuck, especially when it comes to dating. And if you’re holding out for perfect, then yes inevitably you will be single the rest of your life.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, hotpotato said:

There may be a perfect guy out there for me, but he may already be married. 

If he is married to someone else that would not be the "perfect" man. Keep looking and remain open-minded.

[hotpotato]

17 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

There isn’t. Perfect for you doesn’t exist. No man’s life’s purpose is to be your perfect partner. Unrealistic expectations will keep most folks stuck, especially when it comes to dating. And if you’re holding out for perfect, then yes inevitably you will be single the rest of your life.

There aren't many good matches out there for me. It still has to be mutual even if I think it's a good match. Most men im not interested in from the get go because they are too overweight. 

I dont know if it's a bad thing if I'm single for life. I feel like I've already did my time. He would have to deal with all my quirks, too. 

Honestly, nothing bad was happening to me by single, and I think that's part of the 'problem.'

Edited June 17, 2022 by hotpotato

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, hotpotato said: 

I dont know if it's a bad thing if I'm single for life.

 

It’s not a bad thing at all. And if being in a relationship is going to keep you from living your life to the fullest, it makes sense to stay single. 
 

As I mentioned earlier, for some people having a full life includes being in a relationship, having a family, laying down roots etc. But it’s not like that’s the only path. 

[Alpacalia]

There is nothing wrong with being a single person OP.

I'm glad that you seem to be enjoying yourself even though you don't have a romantic partner.

[NuevoYorko]

Just live your life the way you want to.  It doesn't have to be "live life to the fullest" vs. "have a relationship."  Ideally we all should have the courage (and, resources / opportunities) to live our lives to the fullest, relationships or no; also, to have relationships only with other people who embrace who we are when we are being our authentic selves and living our lives that way.  Carry on!

[SingFish]

10 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Most men im not interested in from the get go because they are too overweight. 

Interesting isn't it, so many men say the same- you'd think all the people who enjoy food would be attracted to each other. 

People's self-image and appraisal of others can be distorted though.

I like the idea of a live-in marital partner 'on tap' but I spend a lot of time preoccupied with my own interests and goals too, the men I meet tend not to be looking for someone like me or they try to change me. I've mellowed a lot, but I'm happy with myself as I am! 

Every now and then I get lonely and venture out, but I don't think I will marry again either. And that's okay. 

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, SingFish said:

....I like the idea of a live-in marital partner 'on tap' but I spend a lot of time preoccupied with my own interests and goals too, the men I meet tend not to be looking for someone like me or they try to change me. I've mellowed a lot, but I'm happy with myself as I am! ...

I'd say there are men who are fine with that.  I am, likely because I am an introvert (but do love parties and live music and travel, etc.).   My GF and I are happy to both be doing our own thing sharing our own interests and goals, although they do tend to overlap and intersect and because we are so into each other and/or see the world through similar lenses we end up getting interested in what the other is doing.  Sometimes one of us even becomes more obsessed than the other.     

In the beginning it can be tough without good communication and trust, because one may think the other is ignoring them or up to something (as have seen suggested here on LS) but not really once you realize your introvert partner is doing the same thing you do but are loathe to admit...like reading or gardening or turning your walk into a mushroom hunt for 3 hours.     

I think we would both go crazy if couldn't spend hours on our own thing...and somehow (to us) even if it is a solo type thing (e.g. reading, working remotely) having the other person just in the same house is being together.  Also when I am building something good to have her near by in case cut myself and need stitches  

Alas though, the filters the internet propounds for OLD or any kind of dating really are total cr*p for finding such a person, of any sex or gender.

[chillii]

On 6/16/2022 at 12:03 PM, hotpotato said:

He was fine. 🙂 He would get into a rut of working and then coming home. We met one day when he dragged himself out the house. We do like some of the same things. 

I dont know if being really active is a good selling point for a girlfriend. 

At this point I have to pick from what's left if I want to date, or mate poach. Ot also has to be mutual. There may be a perfect guy out there for me, but he may already be married. 

 

 

Yeah very true our combo and it being mutual, it's not easy. l noticed on a date site a lot of women 40s to 50ish would go on about how busy they were and loved to live life to the fullest and ra ra ra but no idea how that goes down with other guys. l do know guys always busy or very active though and if you use date sites maybe you should just tell it like it is and hopefully you might come across more like minded, Myself l hate living too busy so personally l need a woman that feels the same way about things . Seems to be a lot of women around LS coming across guys without much time almost like they prefer some part time thing, maybe something you could go for.

Edited July 3, 2022 by chillii

[Eternal Sunshine]

On 5/23/2022 at 11:10 PM, hotpotato said:

Hi, all. I did some honest self reflection, and im pretty sure I'm gonna be single the rest of my life. I may have a few encounters with men, but I doubt anything will work out in the long term. 

I think I was better girlfriend material when I was younger. Now I know there is a lot out there I want to do and experience. It's my life, and intend to live it to the fullest. The last one (which didn't last) was always asking questions. "Why do you want to do that? "Why, why, why?" I need someone who understands me, and I've never had that. 

I dont want that. I love my life to the fullest! I need someone who understands that. I do understand that living life to the fullest may not make me a good wife or girlfriend.

What most guys are offering is sex and movies, and I dont feel fulfilled by that. The last one felt like he was getting in the way of everything I do, which he kind of was. One time he asked if I could pencil him into my schedule. 

Another guy invited me over so we could do "nothing." No, thanks.

I decided I want to be myself in life even if it meant being by myself. I do have some quirks!

 

Yeah I feel that way too. I found constantly explaining myself the most tiring thing in the relationships. For example, I am staying over at partner's place for the weekend. I randomly decide I want to take a nap (it's as mundane as it gets). Partner starts asking questions: "Why? You shouldn't be sleeping during the day, you will ruin your sleep next night. You should really try not to do that" etc etc. I am already annoyed.

Another example, on Friday I decide I feel like booking a flight for Saturday morning for a short vacation. Immediately questions: "Why? You need to plan these things. Where will you stay? You can't just go last minute" etc etc. Just let me be FFS.

So unless I found someone who naturally understands me (which is not easy as I am very quirky), my happiness is at its lowest in relationships.

As for living life to the fullest including LTR and children? To me it's the exact opposite. Endless chain of doing laundry and asking "what's for dinner?" is the exact opposite of living to the fullest. I only see adventurers with varied hobbies, interesting friends and hot flings when the mood strikes as living life to the fullest.

However, it does take immense courage to go against society's standards and being an outsider can feel isolating at times. Life is def. easier for average people.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Eternal Sunshine

[BrinnM]

9 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I only see adventurers with varied hobbies, interesting friends and hot flings when the mood strikes as living life to the fullest.

Same! Plus, dating is too much work. I prefer my own company MOST of the time. Less extra baggage! More time for friends & family —— Win - win! 

[AndyCapp99]

It’s funny ( and a bit weird) how most men in this thread seem to find it hard to accept that you actually ARE content without a man. 
A lot of men believe that women don’t realllllllly want to be by themselves and if they do, it’s just because they haven’t met the right guy  or they don’t really know themselves. 

I absolutely agree with you. As I get older, I find I don’t really want to make space in my life for anyone. 
 

What potential partners are offering is not worth giving up my solitude and independence. He has to be freaking out of this world for me to reconsider. 
 

 

[poppyfields]

On 7/9/2022 at 1:45 AM, Eternal Sunshine said:

Just let me be FFS.

Amen sista. 

If only people would learn that the best relationships are when you simply let each other "be," the state of relationships would improve dramatically!

I think that is precisely why my previous relationships didn't work out - my boyfriends (now ex's) would not let me "just be."

They tried to control, fix, change and dominate every aspect of my life, including my behavior!  To suit their needs.

Which typically meant catering to them (forfeiting my own) and revolving my world around his. 

Now I'm engaged to a man who DOES let me be, and I let HIM be and guess what?

His needs get met, my needs get met, without force, without demands but rather naturally and organically stemming from a natural desire to make each other happy AND ourselves.

[]

Just my $.02.

Be happy @hotpotato, live your life according to your own "rules."

Which does not require anyone else's approval but your own.. 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[hotpotato]

On 7/9/2022 at 3:45 AM, Eternal Sunshine said:

Yeah I feel that way too. I found constantly explaining myself the most tiring thing in the relationships. For example, I am staying over at partner's place for the weekend. I randomly decide I want to take a nap (it's as mundane as it gets). Partner starts asking questions: "Why? You shouldn't be sleeping during the day, you will ruin your sleep next night. You should really try not to do that" etc etc. I am already annoyed.

Another example, on Friday I decide I feel like booking a flight for Saturday morning for a short vacation. Immediately questions: "Why? You need to plan these things. Where will you stay? You can't just go last minute" etc etc. Just let me be FFS.

So unless I found someone who naturally understands me (which is not easy as I am very quirky), my happiness is at its lowest in relationships.

As for living life to the fullest including LTR and children? To me it's the exact opposite. Endless chain of doing laundry and asking "what's for dinner?" is the exact opposite of living to the fullest. I only see adventurers with varied hobbies, interesting friends and hot flings when the mood strikes as living life to the fullest.

However, it does take immense courage to go against society's standards and being an outsider can feel isolating at times. Life is def. easier for average people.

You are my spirit animal. I sometimes nap during the day. I'm up at weird hours, and I feel more creative late at night when most other people are sleeping. 

Impromptu vacations sound fun!

At this point in my life, I want to just be myself.

 

 

On 7/9/2022 at 1:30 PM, BrinnM said:

Same! Plus, dating is too much work. I prefer my own company MOST of the time. Less extra baggage! More time for friends & family —— Win - win! 

I agree. I like not having the extra baggage. I was dating older men when I was in my 20s so I have an idea of what it's like to date an older man. I don't want to deal with his kids or his emotional baggage from being in love with another woman. 

Edited July 27, 2022 by hotpotato