Should I be dating if I feel inadequate

[Jaybird13000]

Im 22 i still live at home with my parents,ive spent the last 4 years out of school working at this job i never thought id be in for so long and i want more,i have a project car ive dumped all of my money into and its still broken🤦‍♂️probably going to sell it. Bascially my life right now feels terrible 

Ive been trying to get into other occupations but every thing i want to do i here no answer back 

I recently started going to the gym and there is this girl ive always liked since highschool weve not seen each other for a long time she always used to throw me little hints that she liked me but i never took them. She has been doing it again at the gym and i so badly want to ask her out but i feel im not good enough for her because she has a career,her own place,a nice car and her own small business...and me i have nothing (or atleast feel like i dont) should i stay wawy till i get more established or should i roll the dice 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Jaybird13000 said:

i feel im not good enough for her because she has a career,her own place,a nice car and her own small business...and me i have nothing (or atleast feel like i dont) should i stay wawy till i get more established or should i roll the dice 

Go for coffee and catch up. If you're not ready to date that's fine. Keep working on the self-improvements.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Jaybird13000 said:

Im 22 i still live at home with my parents,ive spent the last 4 years out of school working at this job i never thought id be in for so long and i want more,i have a project car ive dumped all of my money into and its still broken🤦‍♂️probably going to sell it. Bascially my life right now feels terrible 

Ive been trying to get into other occupations but every thing i want to do i here no answer back 

I recently started going to the gym and there is this girl ive always liked since highschool weve not seen each other for a long time she always used to throw me little hints that she liked me but i never took them. She has been doing it again at the gym and i so badly want to ask her out but i feel im not good enough for her because she has a career,her own place,a nice car and her own small business...and me i have nothing (or atleast feel like i dont) should i stay wawy till i get more established or should i roll the dice 

I don’t think asking her out is a good idea. You’re feeling low and that will come through. This isn’t a date either if you’re not confident to date her. This would be nothing more than a friendly catch up between old school friends. Stay focused on improving yourself and feel better about where you’re at before dating.

If you do decide to ask her out be prepared to be friendzoned as you’re mismatched. No one can tell you what she thinks or what she’ll do but the chances she takes you seriously in the long term are slim. Not impossible but highly unlikely.

Edited May 23, 2022 by glows

[Jaybird13000]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I don’t think asking her out is a good idea. You’re feeling low and that will come through. This isn’t a date either if you’re not confident to date her. This would be nothing more than a friendly catch up between old school friends. Stay focused on improving yourself and feel better about where you’re at before dating.

If you do decide to ask her out be prepared to be friendzoned as you’re mismatched. No one can tell you what she thinks or what she’ll do but the chances she takes you seriously in the long term are slim. Not impossible but highly unlikely.

Given everything i said if i had better confidence in myself does all that other stuff really matter just in general 

[glows]

13 minutes ago, Jaybird13000 said:

Given everything i said if i had better confidence in myself does all that other stuff really matter just in general 

Not sure what you mean in general. People usually aren't going to want to date someone so dissimilar. It creates all kinds of issues and misunderstandings because you're just not on the same page. Personally, yes, it matters. I prefer someone in a similar life stage or phase of life with similar outlook and lifestyle.

As I said no one can read her mind or tell you the outcome of what she thinks or feels. You will have to take a chance if you're that curious but be confident about it. Also be prepared that she's not interested in anything other than friends. You'll then have the situation on your hands whether you'd like to remain "friends" with someone you seem to have growing feelings for and cross that bridge if it ever materializes. 

 

Edited May 23, 2022 by glows

[dramafreezone]

If only people with high self esteem were dating, well that'd be about 100 people in the world dating.

I'm kidding only a little.  Almost everyone feels inadequate at times.  I think the goal is to get to a point to where it's not a persistent feeling, or your identity. 

IMO, insecurities are a feature in humans, not a defect.  Insecurities drive us to be better, to do great things.

Quite honestly you sound like me at 22, except I'd just moved out on my own.  I was working a dead end job before an Army recruiter called me by chance and I said why not.  Changed my life and everything I have currently I owe to making that one decision of joining the military.  Maybe that would be a good option for you, to give you some sense of direction and purpose in your life.

Whether it's the military or not, I think the root of your issue is not having a sense of purpose in life.  Purpose, drive, ambition, these things not only set you up for success in the future, but they are attractive features to many women. 

As for this woman at the gym, sure, ask her out.  But I think unless you make major changes in your life and gain a sense of purpose, you won't be able to hold the attraction of any woman.  She is going to see what you're tell us you're feeling inside.  You don't have to have everything that she has, but you have to be legitimately working towards something.  A lot of women will bet on you if they're buying your potential, but you have to bet on yourself first.

[dramafreezone]

On 5/23/2022 at 9:24 AM, glows said:

I don’t think asking her out is a good idea. You’re feeling low and that will come through. This isn’t a date either if you’re not confident to date her. This would be nothing more than a friendly catch up between old school friends. Stay focused on improving yourself and feel better about where you’re at before dating.

 

Oh man, there is so much truth to this.  I have an anecdote that loosely applies to this.

I remember a female acquaintance inviting me over to her place one Saturday night about 15 years ago.  She and my roomate at the time had dated for a couple of weeks a few years prior but it never went anywhere.  Anyways I just remember how happy she was to see me (which is weird since we didn't know each other that well) and how negative I was the entire time I was there, and looking back on it I'm pretty sure she invited me over for sex but eventually I could tell that she was turned off about an hour after I'd gotten there, just because I was complaining about how tired I was and how tough school was.  

Lesson to be learned is, you need to project optimism OP.  You can do *something* today, I don't know what that would be, maybe making a list of possible career choices, maybe looking into financial aid to go back to college.  That's what I did, I just filled out the financial aid paperwork for a local community college and then I figured out what I wanted to focus on once I started to pick out my classes. 

Do something *today* that's a small step towards where you want to be.  It doesn't matter how small the step is, the point is you'll be one step closer.  In the meantime, you have to fake it until you make it.  Don't ask this woman out and then project pessimism, project optimism, and that's easier to do if you're actually taking steps towards your goals. 

If you don't think you can fake it, don't ask her, wait until you feel better about yourself.  You'd be better off having nothing but a positive attitude, then having a lot and a negative attitude.

Edited May 26, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Foxhall]

On 5/23/2022 at 4:16 PM, Jaybird13000 said:

should i stay wawy till i get more established or should i roll the dice 

make a go at something before you are really ready is usually a good motto,

get blooded at the deep end as the saying goes.

this might  work out , and even if it does not the experience will help you in the long run.

[Happy Lemming]

At 22 I purchased my first project house... Sell the car, try to find a fixer/upper or Handyman Special house.  You can live in it while you fix it up. 

Sounds like you are good with your hands, if you are working on this car... so use those skills to fix up a house.

You need to be out of your parents home... its time.  That should be your priority over dating. 

Independence breeds confidence.

[basil67]

Getting into an occupation you want will be a great start, especially if it's one which will provide an income which will allow you to be independent from your family.   Are there any training courses which will put you in a better place for seeking a new job?  Are your parents supporting you with helpful advice? 

I also agree about not asking this girl out before you're feeling better about yourself.

[TooLegitToQuit]

I will disagree with some of the responses here, with the exception of @Wiseman2 's. ETA--and I think @dramafreezone 's.   You are attracted to this girl, right? You have ambition to improve your lot in life, right? I mean, you truly *are* putting in the work to move out on your own, correct? Well there you go, trust that this is all you really need.

I'm all for Self-Improvement and everything, but the two years of my life when I was broke, I had a loyal girlfriend. And I was in my early THIRTIES, not my twenties. Meanwhile, you should read the threads on here, many women are with men with problems, and yet these women are each devoted to their partner anyway.

Many 22-year-olds are still living with their parents these days too, it's not such a big mark of shame. The important thing is that you are working to get out on your own.

Edited May 27, 2022 by TooLegitToQuit

[dramafreezone]

10 minutes ago, TooLegitToQuit said:

I will disagree with some of the responses here, with the exception of @Wiseman2 's. ETA--and I think @dramafreezone 's.   You are attracted to this girl, right? You have ambition to improve your lot in life, right? I mean, you truly *are* putting in the work to move out on your own, correct? Well there you go, trust that this is all you really need.

I'm all for Self-Improvement and everything, but the two years of my life when I was broke, I had a loyal girlfriend. And I was in my early THIRTIES, not my twenties. Meanwhile, you should read the threads on here, many women are with men with problems, and yet these women are each devoted to their partner anyway.

Many 22-year-olds are still living with their parents these days too, it's not such a big mark of shame. The important thing is that you are working to get out on your own.

I agree with you.  I don't think he needs to actually have anything to approach this woman.  Most women actually expect men his age to be broke so that's not an issue at all.  I think women are perfectly fine betting on a man's potential if they like everything else about him.  His current mindset would be my hesitation. 

If he is putting in the work, then that's great.  In this thread he's projecting a lot of negativity and that's not going to work in his favor.  Even if he is working hard, projecting negativity will just douse water on any flame that he hopes to grow with this woman.  If he changes what he projects, then I think he'll be fine.  But based on what he said, he's already placing this woman above him, and no woman wants that.  I would only advise for him to wait until he's in a better headspace to step to this woman.

Edited May 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[TooLegitToQuit]

You know what? I'm going to go out on a limb even further and say that he doesn't even have to fix his current mindset per se, with one possible exception: the most important thing he needs to do is just SHOW UP, and he needs to allow himself to do just that.

His financial situation is not a huge deal, as long as he is working to get out of it. Even his INSECURITY about his financial situation is not a huge deal in and of itself though, as long as he owns it. As you noted yourself, everyone has insecurities, and oftentimes even to the point where we see them as reasons why people may not like us. His insecurities only make him HUMAN.

I'm assuming that when the OP talks to people, he doesn't mumble or look down or away or anything. And that he has the awareness to not be complaining all the time either, and just social awareness in general. Of course,  that the OP is bringing up his insecurities on here, does not mean the OP is bringing up his securities at other times.

 

ETA: Actually there are a few other responses I agree with on here that I missed too. My apologies!

Edited May 27, 2022 by TooLegitToQuit

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, TooLegitToQuit said:

You know what? I'm going to go out on a limb even further and say that he doesn't even have to fix his current mindset per se, with one possible exception: the most important thing he needs to do is just SHOW UP, and he needs to allow himself to do just that.

His financial situation is not a huge deal, as long as he is working to get out of it. Even his INSECURITY about his financial situation is not a huge deal in and of itself though, as long as he owns it. As you noted yourself, everyone has insecurities, and oftentimes even to the point where we see them as reasons why people may not like us. His insecurities only make him HUMAN.

I'm assuming that when the OP talks to people, he doesn't mumble or look down or away or anything. And that he has the awareness to not be complaining all the time either, and just social awareness in general. Of course,  that the OP is bringing up his insecurities on here, does not mean the OP is bringing up his securities at other times.

 

ETA: Actually there are a few other responses I agree with on here that I missed too. My apologies!

Good points on the differences between what he's saying on here and how he shows up in real life.  I only point it out so that he's mindful of what he's projecting because it can be tough to do at times.

We definitely all have insecurities, but we don't want *lead* with them.  In my previous example of the girl that invited me to her place, I was leading with negativity.  Even though I was doing a lot of positive things, working towards my current situation, I didn't project that.  If I were in the same situation today, I'd say what I'm working towards and why I'm really excited for the future.   She didn't need to know how difficult everything was, how tired I was and how I needed more money.  Who wants to hear that, it's a downer.

It's possible that this woman just likes him enough to the point that even a negative attitude wouldn't dissuade her from wanting to date him.  My advice was only to help improve his odds of getting a date. Attraction conquers all. 

If on the other hand she's 50/50 when he approaches, then that one thing would be enough to cause her to pass, just my opinion.  If he's dead set on asking this woman out, stack the odds in your favor OP by projecting more positivity and optimism.  

Edited May 27, 2022 by dramafreezone