The other women

[Sar22]

I am now 10 weeks since he was caught and 6 weeks since we last had contact.

I emailed him 6 weeks ago asking for full closure and him to say he is where he wants to be and it’s done, unfortunately I didn’t get a response or the closure I was hoping for, instead he blocked me on all forms of contact.

I just really need to vent and seek advice, I understand the actions of silence speak volumes but it has also made it feel more difficult for me to stop thinking about him. Last week he unblocked me on fb which I believe is to get his fix of photos without any contact directly…again that messes with my head.

I would love to sleep and wake up without thoughts of him and is he happy are they making it work etc.

I would love to hear of peoples similar situations and how you dealt with closure and just moving on.

I have now reached a point where I believe I want him and it could work (I believe this is a normal part of the process) although it’s driving me crazy with the thoughts and unknowns.

Deep down I know he loves me but I also know he has a lot to loose and he doesn’t want to loose any of it so that’s his priority and rightly so….I think anyone who is caught should try and to make there relationship work to know they have tried and really try and understand what made them cheat in the first place so they don’t repeat the same patterns.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

I would love to sleep and wake up without thoughts of him and is he happy are they making it work etc

The best thing you could do is block and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media, messaging apps, email, devices and contact lists.

Is this the same man?:

 

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

I have now reached a point where I believe I want him and it could work (I believe this is a normal part of the process)

Your guy was discovered and he dropped you like a hot potato. No, I don’t think it’s a normal part of the process to say that you “know you want him and it could work.”  I believe that is the delusion of a fantasy relationship talking. He is where he wants to be, it’s time for you to accept that and let this go… You don’t do that by romanticizing the relationship - telling yourself that he truly loves you, he stays because he has too much to lose, but you would be together if it wasn’t for the unfortunate circumstance of his marriage.

Regardless, it doesn’t actually matter because he has chosen his marriage. This kind of thinking is little more than fantasy when he has clearly chosen his marriage. 

27 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

Deep down I know he loves me but I also know he has a lot to loose and he doesn’t want to loose any of it so that’s his priority and rightly so….

Deep down, he loves himself, his family, and possibly his wife more. 

Edited May 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Sar22]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Your guy was discovered and he dropped you like a hot potato. No, I don’t think it’s a normal part of the process to say that you “know you want him and it could work.”  I believe that is the delusion of a fantasy relationship talking. He is where he wants to be, it’s time for you to accept that and let this go… you don’t do that by romanticizing the relationship - telling yourself that he truly loves you, he stays because he has too much to lose, but you would be together if it wasn’t for the unfortunate circumstance of his marriage. 

Deep down, he loves himself, his family, and his wife more. I’m sorry, but this is the reality of the situation here. He told you as much. 

I understand this, he isn’t married and not sure they could marry after this but they do have financial and family commitments.

i just hoped for a respectful end, I have been respectful and clearly expected too much.

I believe the thinking it could work is the bargaining side of loss, although I also understand it would be deemed as a fantasy also.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Sar22 said:

Deep down I know he loves me but I also know he has a lot to loose and he doesn’t want to loose any of it so that’s his priority and rightly so….I

This is where you will get stuck, believing this lie.  Truth is, he loved how you made him feel but if he truly loved you he would have left his wife after d-day and made a plan to be with you. He would not have blocked you without so much as a conversation and a good bye.  He just dropped you like a hot potato the moment the life he has was in jeopardy with no concern how blocking would make you feel.  These are the facts that you need to hold on to so you can move on, put this behind you and heal.

[Maylady]

He doesn't have to unblock you to see photos of you.  He can have you blocked and see your pics to his hearts content.  Did you block him?  That's when he can't see photos of you

[glows]

2 hours ago, Sar22 said:

I emailed him 6 weeks ago asking for full closure and him to say he is where he wants to be and it’s done, unfortunately I didn’t get a response or the closure I was hoping for, instead he blocked me on all forms of contact.

I just really need to vent and seek advice, I understand the actions of silence speak volumes but it has also made it feel more difficult for me to stop thinking about him. Last week he unblocked me on fb which I believe is to get his fix of photos without any contact directly…again that messes with my head.

You probably already know that staying in any form of contact including social media will make things worse. When you're ready start removing him from your contacts and block him if you have to. He's showing you that the affair is over. Closure comes from you accepting that it's over. That acceptance is something that you need to come to terms with. 

Are you deciding to stay in your marriage? If I were in your shoes I would want to take a look at what's going on currently and see whether the root of unhappiness is right there at home. Think about your long term peace of mind and happiness overall. 

[RebeccaR]

2 hours ago, Sar22 said:

I would love to hear of peoples similar situations and how you dealt with closure and just moving on.

You need to give it a lot more time. Six months to a year at least. If you have true NC (which I doubt if you are still checking his social media) you will move on in time.

[Maylady]

How long was your affair? Are you attached with someone else as well?

[Sar22]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This is where you will get stuck, believing this lie.  Truth is, he loved how you made him feel but if he truly loved you he would have left his wife after d-day and made a plan to be with you. He would not have blocked you without so much as a conversation and a good bye.  He just dropped you like a hot potato the moment the life he has was in jeopardy with no concern how blocking would make you feel.  These are the facts that you need to hold on to so you can move on, put this behind you and heal.

Yes, I need to hold on to the facts, thank you.

 

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This is where you will get stuck, believing this lie.  Truth is, he loved how you made him feel but if he truly loved you he would have left his wife after d-day and made a plan to be with you. He would not have blocked you without so much as a conversation and a good bye.  He just dropped you like a hot potato the moment the life he has was in jeopardy with no concern how blocking would make you feel.  These are the facts that you need to hold on to so you can move on, put this behind you and heal.

 

58 minutes ago, Maylady said:

He doesn't have to unblock you to see photos of you.  He can have you blocked and see your pics to his hearts content.  Did you block him?  That's when he can't see photos of you

I want to get through this without having to block him. I want to be able to know he is unblocked and I am not bothered.

I don’t understand why he would unblock me other than giving him self option and to see how I react (which I am not doing)

[Maylady]

9 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

Yes, I need to hold on to the facts, thank you.

 

 

I want to get through this without having to block him. I want to be able to know he is unblocked and I am not bothered.

I don’t understand why he would unblock me other than giving him self option and to see how I react (which I am not doing)

Maybe try thinking of this as a process.  I dont think you're getting anywhere (or will move forward) if you don't block him.  To me, it's the first step in admitting this relationship is over, you are committed to moving forward and accepting the truth and all the feelings that go along with the end of the affair.  The sadness I think is what we try to avoid.  But it's such an important part of healing and getting on with a happier life.

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

I want to get through this without having to block him. I want to be able to know he is unblocked and I am not bothered.

Tell the truth, you don't want to block him because you want to hear from him.  You know that blocking him will prevent that.

[Sar22]

49 minutes ago, glows said:

You probably already know that staying in any form of contact including social media will make things worse. When you're ready start removing him from your contacts and block him if you have to. He's showing you that the affair is over. Closure comes from you accepting that it's over. That acceptance is something that you need to come to terms with. 

Are you deciding to stay in your marriage? If I were in your shoes I would want to take a look at what's going on currently and see whether the root of unhappiness is right there at home. Think about your long term peace of mind and happiness overall. 

We are not in contact, we are not friends on social media and I wouldn’t message him ever again.

he is showing me it’s over but then he is also showing he is thinking of me (again I understand this won’t be easy for him) 

I have accepted, I understand family must come first and you must try and make it work for your own sanity if nothing else.

my home is my unhappiness and that appears to be why I did what I did… once I feel a little stronger I want to really look at where I want to be in my future.

[Sar22]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Tell the truth, you don't want to block him because you want to hear from him.  You know that blocking him will prevent that.

Maybe deep down that might be why, truthfully I don’t know as he could get hold of me if he really wanted to even if I blocked him. I am still attached and that will take some time but I know I can do it. 

[Sar22]

49 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

You need to give it a lot more time. Six months to a year at least. If you have true NC (which I doubt if you are still checking his social media) you will move on in time.

Some days are better than others, it just feels worst at the moment. NC actually makes me miss him more, so I think this is going to just take a lot more time.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

my home is my unhappiness and that appears to be why I did what I did… once I feel a little stronger I want to really look at where I want to be in my future.

The best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people from all your social media.

Then, consult an attorney with your situation and discuss your options in the event of divorce.

 

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Sar22 said:

He isn’t married and not sure they could marry after this

He isn't a legally married man????  No, no, there is absolutely nothing keeping him where he is except his own heart.  He dumped you without saying the words.  There is no closure he can give to you to make you feel better about what he did.  It's over and you have to find closure from within because at this point any questions he could answer for you will only create more in your mind.  You'll be okay it just takes time.

Edited May 24, 2022 by stillafool

[Sar22]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people from all your social media.

Then, consult an attorney with your situation and discuss your options in the event of divorce.

 

 

I need to get through this before I can make serious decisions on my relationship. But thank you 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

he is showing me it’s over but then he is also showing he is thinking of me

What does this mean and how is he showing you he's thinking of you?

[Sar22]

Just now, stillafool said:

What does this mean and how is he showing you he's thinking of you?

Mind games by unblocking me, although I know I shouldn’t be checking or be bothered.

[mark clemson]

So, the reason has hasn't "run to you" is...  you are still married?  Are you expecting him to come and sweep you into his arms and carry you off right in front of your husband?

I'm not encouraging you to leave your marriage. Do what you think makes the most sense for you. However it's hard to see complaining about a single guy not "choosing to be with you" when you are not, in reality, actually available to him. Get real.

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

Mind games by unblocking me, although I know I shouldn’t be checking or be bothered.

You are playing mind games by not blocking the man and trying to attach meaning to the fact that you think he has checked your social media. 

At the end of the day, Stillafool is absolutely right - he dumped you without even offering an apology or an explanation, there is no closure that he could provide that would make this better for you. You give yourself closure by blocking this man, truly accepting that it’s done, and making the decision to move forward in your own life. 

I personally don’t begrudge the fact that they may not be legally married but they are in a committed relationship - sharing finances, a home, children. Divorce is not easy, cheating is easy. One could say that it was a matter of convenience or that he did not have had the strength and courage to leave… but, that would not be the whole story. He is where he chose to be - full stop. That would be all the closure that I would need to quit dreaming of a relationship and a life together… 

Edited May 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

1 hour ago, Sar22 said:

Some days are better than others, it just feels worst at the moment. NC actually makes me miss him more, so I think this is going to just take a lot more time.

Take the time you need but do it smartly as well. Stay busy and be productive. If you feel yourself stuck with certain thoughts throughout the day, learn to keep your mind busy on other things. This will fade. It's more important you address what's going on at home and the sooner the better. 

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, Sar22 said:

I need to get through this before I can make serious decisions on my relationship.

Get through what?  It's over.

[Maylady]

It really comes down to a decision and sticking with it.  And believing wholeheartedly that the end of a relationship means that there is something better for you out there