Apology text after break up. should I respond?

[Venus080411]

I was dating a guy for about 7 months and we broke up due to his fear of commitment... he had never been in a serious relationship before (Only had FWB type of relationships) and I was looking for something more serious (which he always knew) and he said he thought he could possibly do that with me, which is why I continued to see him.  We were exclusive, we just had no "labels" which was fine for me early on.  He also had a lot of personal issues going on at the time, he was in therapy, and he was not in a place to be seriously dating anyone for multiple reasons that I won't get into.  In his words, he felt he had nothing to offer me.

Anyway, we both said we needed time and we haven't spoke in a little over a month.  It has been a tough month.  This morning he sends me a text saying he has been thinking about me a lot, and that he really wants to apologize (again) for all of the pain he has caused me (even though not on purpose).  He said he really hopes the best for me and that I am amazing and I deserve the absolute best.  I am not sure how to respond to this... we had a really great relationship, he was my best friend, we talked daily, and I of course miss him a lot but not sure what to say here...he did hurt me and I don't know how to feel anymore.  I do understand he has a lot of personal issues he needs to overcome and I am in a place where I am ready to be in a serious relationship and he clearly is not at that place yet and he may never be.  

Do I respond?   After a month, why send this text?  He already said all those things to me at the time we broke up...nothing new here so I am not sure what to even say.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Venus080411 said:

I was looking for something more serious (which he always knew) and he said he thought he could possibly do that with me, which is why I continued to see him.  He also had a lot of personal issues going on at the time, he was in therapy, and he was not in a place to be seriously dating anyone for multiple reasons that I won't get into.  In his words, he felt he had nothing to offer me.

Sorry this happened. If you wish, respond with a simple "thank you", but then delete and block him. Free yourself from this.

Don't fall into his FWB trap. 

You were right to end it and he may just be feeling guilty, but he's too messed up and dating shouldn't feel like therapy.

[stillafool]

There is really nothing for you to say except "thank you".  You say that you told him you were looking for something serious and he said he could give that to you, then you say he said he  felt like he had nothing to offer you.  Then you said "we" broke up because of his fear of commitment.  What does that mean?  Did he break up with you or did you break up with him because he wouldn't commit?  And, how could he be your best friend if you've only known him 7 months with no commitment?

[glows]

You already know he's unstable or has personal issues, something ongoing that he's dealing with. I'd take it at face value and this message is further indication that he's not in a great frame of mind. I would not respond. The time to start not responding would be around now. 

All the obligations and regular expectations that would come from an ordinary relationship would end with this. Don't let it prolong. 

Edited May 24, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Venus080411 said:

Do I respond?   After a month, why send this text?

Respectively:

1) Nah. 

2) To soothe his guilty conscience. 

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Venus080411 said:

Do I respond?   After a month, why send this text?  He already said all those things to me at the time we broke up...nothing new here so I am not sure what to even say.

The only response I would give would be to thank him for extensifying his apology and to wish him well.

[Mrin]

Dude here. No need to reply. He's just fishing. 

[Venus080411]

7 hours ago, Mrin said:

Dude here. No need to reply. He's just fishing. 

Fishing for what though?  It has been a month, why now?

[assertives]

43 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

Fishing for what though?  It has been a month, why now?

To see if you would take the bait to end up in a situationship with him and be his fwb. Probably easier to get someone who he had some kind of history to get into a fwb situation with him than a totally new person. Especially you are likely to still have lingering feelings and hope for more. I wouldn't bother to respond to that message.

Edited May 25, 2022 by assertives

[Venus080411]

18 minutes ago, assertives said:

To see if you would take the bait to end up in a situationship with him and be his fwb. Probably easier to get someone who he had some kind of history to get into a fwb situation with him than a totally new person. Especially you likely have lingering feelings and hope for more. I wouldn't bother to respond to that message.

He actually ended things with me because he said he was feeling too close to me and his feelings were becoming too strong, which was making him feel like running away.  So not sure a FWB arrangement would solve this issue.  Anyway, I answered him by saying thank you and he continued the conversation.  He said it bothers him that he caused me pain, he misses me, he thinks about me every day, and that I gave him everything he ever wanted... he really didn't say anything new though so I am not that sure why he reached out... Pretty much what I got from it is that he misses me but feels we were getting too close, which is why he left me, which is pretty much what he told me a month ago when we broke up.  

Edited May 25, 2022 by Venus080411

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

Pretty much what I got from it is that he misses me but feels we were getting too close, which is why he left me, which is pretty much what he told me a month ago when we broke up.  

Does this really make sense to you?  Frankly this line sounds like what I told guys I was no longer interested in back when I was single.  I put the blame on me rather than the truth which was I just was no longer interested.  I would never leave someone I had strong feelings for unless they no longer wanted me.  People try everything to work it out with someone they want to be with.  I have contacted exes just to see how they were doing because I was thinking about them.   When good people enter out lives we don't completely forget about them and wish we could end up friends; but we rarely do.  Don't hold yourself back from dating and falling for others just because this guy said words to make him feel less guilty.  Look at his actions.  If he isn't tellig you "I made a mistake by leaving you and I want to get back together", just keep moving forward because anything else is just talk.

[glows]

26 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

He actually ended things with me because he said he was feeling too close to me and his feelings were becoming too strong, which was making him feel like running away.  So not sure a FWB arrangement would solve this issue.  Anyway, I answered him by saying thank you and he continued the conversation.  He said it bothers him that he caused me pain, he misses me, he thinks about me every day, and that I gave him everything he ever wanted... he really didn't say anything new though so I am not that sure why he reached out... Pretty much what I got from it is that he misses me but feels we were getting too close, which is why he left me, which is pretty much what he told me a month ago when we broke up.  

A person is either there, present in mind and spirit, or he/she is not. Everything about his behaviour is pointing towards unavailable or unstable. He says one thing, does another. The issue is you've been in this position listening to him for so long that his behaviour seems ok or normal to you. 

If it bothers him that he causes you pain, a healthy person would simply stop. Move along.

He continues to linger and beat around the bush, dealing with himself and his self-described sadness and guilt for hurting you. It's all manufactured chaos. He creates chaos and then laments it, and on and on it goes. 

Be strong and let go of this ex. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

 I answered him by saying thank you and he continued the conversation.   which is why he left me, which is pretty much what he told me a month ago when we broke up.  

Unfortunately he needs to pay a therapist to listen to all this. Free yourself and delete and block him from all your messaging apps and social media.

[Venus080411]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

A person is either there, present in mind and spirit, or he/she is not. Everything about his behaviour is pointing towards unavailable or unstable. He says one thing, does another. The issue is you've been in this position listening to him for so long that his behaviour seems ok or normal to you. 

If it bothers him that he causes you pain, a healthy person would simply stop. Move along.

He continues to linger and beat around the bush, dealing with himself and his self-described sadness and guilt for hurting you. It's all manufactured chaos. He creates chaos and then laments it, and on and on it goes. 

Be strong and let go of this ex. 

I agree with everything you are saying, especially with the bold above.  He actually tells me he is unstable and emotionally unavailable.  So I know this is true, and his behavior only confirms it.  I am just unsure why he had to reach out again after a month to remind me how unstable and unavailable he still is.  I am not sure what he is hoping for me to say here.

[mtnbiker3000]

Breadcrumbs!!

[glows]

1 minute ago, Venus080411 said:

I agree with everything you are saying, especially with the bold above.  He actually tells me he is unstable and emotionally unavailable.  So I know this is true, and his behavior only confirms it.  I am just unsure why he had to reach out again after a month to remind me how unstable and unavailable he still is.  I am not sure what he is hoping for me to say here.

You keep missing the point that you're not unavailable and unstable. He is. You both are mismatched and you don't understand him because you are not like him. There's a high likelihood that none of his behaviours will make sense to you because what you're looking for is the opposite of what he is.

You don't have to say a word. Try exploring why you still feel obligated. End old habits, begin new ones. It's the start of a new chapter. Don't keep falling back on old habits, communicating with an ex that has been vacant. This is like dating a ghost. Why would you do this to yourself? It's a good time to reflect.

[ThorntonMelon]

First of all - if you don't feel like responding, don't. You don't owe him a response. If you want to for some reason, you send him a nothing burger "I really appreciate your text, obviously I miss you and our connection a lot, I hope everything is well for you".

Then no matter what you get in response, say nothing and go find what you deserve. 

[ShyViolet]

I would respond with a simple "thank you" and that's it.  Don't engage with him beyond that..... letting him suck you back in to talking to him or entertaining ideas of trying again would be a complete utter waste of your time.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Venus080411 said:

 Anyway, I answered him by saying thank you and he continued the conversation.

Since you've already answered him back and 'thanked' him I would just block him now.  And to answer your question what response was he looking for,  it would be:

"Oh no problem I've gotten over it and I miss you too.  Maybe we can hook up again sometime in the future." 

This will let him relax and let him know he did not burn the bridge to future sex with you when needed. 

[seapebbles]

He probably truly feels guilty for hurting you and still cares for you, but not enough to make the changes necessary to have a real relationship with you. In my experience, people who reach out like this after a break up are doing it for selfish reasons to make themselves feel better and to make sure the other person doesn't have ill feelings for them. 

Whatever his motivation was for contacting you, it clearly didn't help YOU feel better and is preventing you from moving on. If it happens again, kindly let him know that you would appreciate it if he wouldn't contact you and that you will get in touch with him in the future when you are ready. 

Let yourself heal and find the relationship you deserve. 

[Venus080411]

34 minutes ago, seapebbles said:

He probably truly feels guilty for hurting you and still cares for you, but not enough to make the changes necessary to have a real relationship with you. In my experience, people who reach out like this after a break up are doing it for selfish reasons to make themselves feel better and to make sure the other person doesn't have ill feelings for them. 

Whatever his motivation was for contacting you, it clearly didn't help YOU feel better and is preventing you from moving on. If it happens again, kindly let him know that you would appreciate it if he wouldn't contact you and that you will get in touch with him in the future when you are ready. 

Let yourself heal and find the relationship you deserve. 

Thank you.  He asked me to get dinner with him tonight.  I said probably not the best idea and he actually agreed... He is clearly just playing with my emotions at this point.

I wish I didn't answer him, it just put me right back to where I was a month ago.  

[glows]

1 minute ago, Venus080411 said:

Thank you.  He asked me to get dinner with him tonight.  I said probably not the best idea and he actually agreed... He is clearly just playing with my emotions at this point.

I wish I didn't answer him, it just put me right back to where I was a month ago.  

That's ok. Try not to waste energy beating yourself up in regret. Let it go and start over. Don't respond to him next time he reaches out or mute his contact. You know nothing good comes out of him saying anything more.

[vla1120]

50 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

Thank you.  He asked me to get dinner with him tonight.  I said probably not the best idea and he actually agreed... He is clearly just playing with my emotions at this point.

I wish I didn't answer him, it just put me right back to where I was a month ago.  

I'm sorry you're back where you were a month ago. On the other hand, this confirms that he is not the one for you and he's just toying with your emotions. Hopefully, your healing will come a bit quicker and you'll get back out there and find someone who's looking for the same thing as you. Hang in there....

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/25/2022 at 4:12 PM, Venus080411 said:

I am just unsure why he had to reach out again after a month to remind me how unstable and unavailable he still is.

Honestly?

He was probably having some fun with someone else in the meantime, and she's now cooled off. So he's circling back to you. 

[stillafool]

47 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly?

He was probably having some fun with someone else in the meantime, and she's now cooled off. So he's circling back to you. 

I agree.  Or, he's not having a lot of luck and he's horney so he's circling back to his ex.  Good you said no Venus because it wouldn't last that is why he agreed with you it wasn't a good idea to get together.