Hate to say I told you so .

[mortensorchid]

Here is a rather unusual post about a divorce.  Not mine but someone else's, the circumstances are unique-ish:

I have a friend who I will call Anne.  SHe was/is special in that she is autistic and she is also legally blind.  We have established a rather strange relationship, as I am kind of her caregiver in some ways, and she and I help one another out quite a bit.  Three years ago, she told me she had a crush on someone.  [ ]  Then she told me that they were planning to get married.  And they were going to move to Colorado together.  I said to her to have some caution here.  Right now, you are in the middle of infatuation.  Infatuation wears off, and when it does then you better like that person.  Not love them, just like them.  Because if you don't, you're in trouble because you are stuck with that person.  And you are going to take off and move to another state, and be stuck in a place where you don't know anyone, the geography or anything.  ANd what will happen when you have run out of money?  You will end up right back here in Ohio.  I am also friends with her mom (who is my age, I am 18 years older than Anne is), and I mentioned this to her.  Her mom said she was glad someone else said that to her besides just her.  But ... She did not listen, married the guy a few weeks later, and they moved to Colorado.

I followed them on Facebook and realized something strange was going on based on what I saw.  They moved to Colorado, then they were in Chicago.  I sent her an IM asking how/why this happened, she said things didn't work out for them there.  Then they were back in Colorado.  Every three / four months they would move again, suddenly I see they are in Florida.  I asked her what was going on when they were in Florida, and she said that she had gotten a job there.  Then she had returned to Ohio last summer, I asked how she was.  She went back to her same summer job she had had for the last few summers.  And her husband?  They were separated at the time, she returned to Ohio because she had business here.  I reached out just last night asking how she was and if she was at the same summer job she had had for the last few summers, she said no and she was back in our city.  They are not getting a divorce.  However, she is unable to get a divorce because he keeps bouncing around like they were before.  The last she knew he was living on the streets in San Francisco.  On the streets?  I asked if she hears from him at all, he said yes he will call / text / IM her once in a while and says he needs help because he is on the street and no one will help him.  She said she can't help him, he gets all offended and hangs up.  While they were living together she was doing everything for him, as well as working and doing the financial supporting.  He worked against her - she would spend 3 days cleaning the house and when she asked for help he would say he didn't know how to do it.  Once she left printed steps how to do it one day while she went out to work, she came home and the house was trashed.  

Wow, just wow.  I wonder what else she wasn't telling me.  I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so, right? 

Edited May 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
stereotyping

[glows]

Did you contact her to gloat or to be supportive? If she made a mistake she's certainly paid/is paying for it enough. 

[mortensorchid]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Did you contact her to gloat or to be supportive? If she made a mistake she's certainly paid/is paying for it enough. 

To be supportive.  SHe is my friend and I care for her despite the fact that she did this. 

[basil67]

 This whole post sounds terribly unkind.   The words "I told you so" should never be spoken aloud - not even behind the back of someone who made a mistake.  

 

 

[glows]

13 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

To be supportive.  SHe is my friend and I care for her despite the fact that she did this. 

Her doing "this" seems to offend you. Does it? It's sometimes hard to draw the line where our interests lie in friends and their ongoings. You care about her so you'll take an interest in what's happening with her life. My suggestion is to remain supportive and treat this less as an affront to you or an insult to you that she's going through a rough patch. Be there for her if she needs someone to talk to but don't enable her. Point her to the correct resources and avoid gossiping about her to other friends or third parties. She actually doesn't owe you any information about herself or to tell you anything she may not feel comfortable disclosing. 

I hope your friendship endures and you both are able to catch up in person at some point. 

[SoulCat]

Your concern comes across as patronizing, with a dollop of gloating.

13 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

 She is my friend and I care for her despite the fact that she did this. 

The way you put it, it's like you see it as a personal slight against you.

What did she do exactly? Take a chance on love, on a relationship, on a person?

Millions of people do that every day; some work out, some don't.

The demise of Anne's marriage to a guy you've never even met is of little consequence to you or your friendship, so I fail to see why you appear to use this as a mark against her.

As her friend, just offer her support, without judgement.

 

[Alpacalia]

Sometimes, the best course of action is to stay silent. You let your friend know about your efforts to help and warn her in advance, and the risks she might face.

Reminding her of your wonderful rightness…well, might be better off to say, “I’m sorry, can I help?”

Edited May 27, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Alvi]

I hope you didn't tell your friend "I told you so." This is very mean and uncaring statement. Yes, your friend took a chance that didn't work out. So what? Sometimes you have to take a risk in life and see how it pans out. Be there for your friend by supporting her.  Judging her is going to accomplish nothing.