Instagram and Relationships

[MsBailey]

I found out my boyfriend flirted with a girl on Instagram, before he was with me (and single). Should I be worried he will do the same now we are in a relationship? 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, MsBailey said:

I found out my boyfriend flirted with a girl on Instagram, before he was with me .

How long have you been dating? How old is he?

How did you find this out? Were you going through his phone?

Are there feelings or reasons that promoted your suspicions?

Do you feel secure in yourself or in this relationship?

[MsBailey]

We have been together for 4 years. He is 31.

I found out about it after 6 months of being together, and it happened 3 months before we got together. It bothered me on and off for a few months, then it hasn't bothered me for a good 2 years, now all of a sudden its bothering me again. I'm partly worried he'll be bored just being with only me for 4 years, so think he'll turn to online flirting because I've seen him do it before (when single). I have more worries about this than a full blown affair. My ex boyfriend also did this on social media and dating sites, so I'm just worried guys see it as not a big deal.

I saw it because I was basically stalking his Instagram and going on the profiles of anyone who liked or commented. He hasn't got a personal IG, it's one he shares his art work on and there's about 3000 followers. This girl had commented on a few of his art works so I went on her profile, he'd liked her art work and selfies and left a comment on one saying she was gorgeous etc. She replied and there was a bit of banter. There were no other comments on her profile. So being paranoid I decided to go through every single person he followed and check what he was doing. Most of the accounts were other artists and he only followed random people back if they followed him- mutual follows, likes- he had an app which unfollowed them if they unfollowed first. There were no IG models being followed or any other comments on other profiles. I got paranoid thinking I'd missed stuff, or it could be on an account he didn't follow etc. For the following 6 months I'd check what he was doing on there along with other apps/ sites. I never found anything.

Because of my exes online activities I have trust issues. So I tried to think if I have any valid reason not to trust my current boyfriend and I thought of the Instagram comment. I thought things like is he one of those guys who just goes round commenting 'hot' on girls photos. We've discussed it and he said he doesn't and he just made a daft comment when he was single, so it wasn't hurting anyone. He said if he did it now it would be wrong, and he won't do it because he's in a relationship and respects me. But I can't shake the worry of him doing it again. I feel like if he did it once he can do it again.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, MsBailey said:

. My ex boyfriend also did this on social media and dating sites, . So being paranoid. . I got paranoid 

Because of my exes. he said  because he's in a relationship and respects me. 

Do you live together? You seem to have insight into your pathological jealousy and paranoia and that this had nothing to do with him.

That's a good start.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Discuss the paranoia and obsessions.

Don't sabotage your happiness or punish good men with this.

[MsBailey]

No, we are starting to look for a house now, so I don't know if the increased commitment has caused me to look for possible issues again- it's like I'm trying to protect myself by looking for clues on what could go wrong.

I've seen no suspicious behaviour from him, so I suppose this Instagram comment is my most solid thing to cling to. I feel it gives me insight into his personality and what he likes to do. But the logical side of me knows it happened when he was single so that makes all the difference- this just doesn't help to protect me so it's hard to let go of the thought that protects me.

I had cbt sessions when I was first with him. I feel guilty asking for this service again and I can't afford a private treatment.

My ex gaslit me, so I find it hard to trust my own evaluations of a situation, especially letting go of suspicion, as in the case of my ex I was always right, he was just a good liar and said the same kind of stuff- although it felt more theatrical with him and often served with a guilt trip of everything he has done for me.

My current boyfriend will just tell me he hasn't done anything wrong and he doesn't know how he can help me. It hurts him that I don't trust him and does end up in arguing if I repeat the same question over and over

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, MsBailey said:

, we are starting to look for a house now, so I don't know if the increased commitment has caused me to look for possible issues again- 

Do not buy a house with someone you're not married to. 

Buying a house together is not a commitment it's a financial nightmare. If you want to test drive  living together, rent a place for a while.

That's how you "protect" yourself. Just say no to horrible financial decisions.

Edited May 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Starswillshine]

The key is he was single. Remind yourself of this. He was free to do these things, and there is no immortality in doing so. Your BF is not your ex. Had you found out he was flirting while he was in another relationship, this could be an issue. Just remember, he had relationships prior to you, and that is all ok. 

I feel you. I understand you. I have been there and struggled with the same trust issues, but just remember this is not an example of untrustworthiness (he was single). 

[MsBailey]

Thank you. I just have a hard time believing that if a guy has used Instagram to flirt that he will stop doing it once in a relationship.

The woman he commented on lives the other side of the country, so apart from flirting for fun/ thrill I don't see what he was getting out of it. So this is why I see it as a threat and that he could go and do the same for fun now.

I think I find it hard to believe that having one woman for the rest of his life will satisfy him, so online flirting is a way to fulfil this.

He hasn't acted suspiciously at any point in the relationship and seems very committed and always there to help me. I just worry he'll get bored of just me, so worry he could comment on girls Instagrams, because he has done I'm the past. I'm only aware of one comment

[glows]

59 minutes ago, MsBailey said:

Thank you. I just have a hard time believing that if a guy has used Instagram to flirt that he will stop doing it once in a relationship.

The woman he commented on lives the other side of the country, so apart from flirting for fun/ thrill I don't see what he was getting out of it. So this is why I see it as a threat and that he could go and do the same for fun now.

I think I find it hard to believe that having one woman for the rest of his life will satisfy him, so online flirting is a way to fulfil this.

He hasn't acted suspiciously at any point in the relationship and seems very committed and always there to help me. I just worry he'll get bored of just me, so worry he could comment on girls Instagrams, because he has done I'm the past. I'm only aware of one comment

I'd rethink this part in bold or what inspires you to think/feel this way about this person. It's been four years and I think the buying of a house together is triggering these deep fears. There's some inherent insecurity on your part of being boring after some time.

Do either of you reaffirm your love for one another or show/tell each other how you feel? He's working on art work online. Do both of you have full time jobs? What are you doing for yourself in pursuit of your goals or interests or hobbies? Don't let these fall to the wayside. 

Put the buying of a home together on hold. These feelings aren't going to go away with the purchase of a home together and I'm not convinced it's the smartest choice either if there are no children and no marriage involved.

[MsBailey]

Personally he has given me no reason to indicate he is bored, and outside my anxiety outbursts it's a good relationship. I had severe depression and anxiety after my ex was doing these types of things to me and now have a hard time taking people at their word- especially because my ex was doing a very good job of pretending he actually cared, loved and respected me. So now I'm in a relationship that I'm happy in, it's going well so it must be too good to be true- I'm looking and waiting for it to go wrong. I overthink everything. I questioned myself why I was so quick to not trust him and it came down to me not being happy with this comment on IG. Rationally I know he was single so it shouldn't matter, but I feel it gives me an insite into how easily he'll approach women.

I've always had a fear of cheating, even when I was a child, so the fact it happened makes my fear real. 

We are very open with feelings, it's a loving relationship and we do lots together. We have spoken about boundaries and we both agree- the problem is my cheating ex also agreed, so I'm just thinking well you would say that, you're not going say you chat up women on the Internet. So tbh he can't really win and I can see that. Its just hard to let go and trust what he says.

He's encouraged me to change my job that was making me unhappy and also helped me to walk again, as I had a spell I couldn't. He works full time and does art as a hobby. I work for myself and am building my own business. I also do art as a hobby and we Hike together at weekends.

[MsBailey]

2 hours ago, glows said:

I'd rethink this part in bold or what inspires you to think/feel this way about this person. It's been four years and I think the buying of a house together is triggering these deep fears. There's some inherent insecurity on your part of being boring after some time.

Do either of you reaffirm your love for one another or show/tell each other how you feel? He's working on art work online. Do both of you have full time jobs? What are you doing for yourself in pursuit of your goals or interests or hobbies? Don't let these fall to the wayside. 

Put the buying of a home together on hold. These feelings aren't going to go away with the purchase of a home together and I'm not convinced it's the smartest choice either if there are no children and no marriage involved.

 

 

Personally he has given me no reason to indicate he is bored, and outside my anxiety outbursts it's a good relationship. I had severe depression and anxiety after my ex was doing these types of things to me and now have a hard time taking people at their word- especially because my ex was doing a very good job of pretending he actually cared, loved and respected me. So now I'm in a relationship that I'm happy in, it's going well so it must be too good to be true- I'm looking and waiting for it to go wrong. I overthink everything. I questioned myself why I was so quick to not trust him and it came down to me not being happy with this comment on IG. Rationally I know he was single so it shouldn't matter, but I feel it gives me an insite into how easily he'll approach women.

I've always had a fear of cheating, even when I was a child, so the fact it happened makes my fear real. 

We are very open with feelings, it's a loving relationship and we do lots together. We have spoken about boundaries and we both agree- the problem is my cheating ex also agreed, so I'm just thinking well you would say that, you're not going say you chat up women on the Internet. So tbh he can't really win and I can see that. Its just hard to let go and trust what he says.

He's encouraged me to change my job that was making me unhappy and also helped me to walk again, as I had a spell I couldn't. He works full time and does art as a hobby. I work for myself and am building my own business. I also do art as a hobby and we Hike together at weekends.

 

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[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, MsBailey said:

I had severe depression and anxiety

Are you under a doctor and therapists care for this?

[glows]

14 minutes ago, MsBailey said:

Personally he has given me no reason to indicate he is bored, and outside my anxiety outbursts it's a good relationship. I had severe depression and anxiety after my ex was doing these types of things to me and now have a hard time taking people at their word- especially because my ex was doing a very good job of pretending he actually cared, loved and respected me. So now I'm in a relationship that I'm happy in, it's going well so it must be too good to be true- I'm looking and waiting for it to go wrong. I overthink everything. I questioned myself why I was so quick to not trust him and it came down to me not being happy with this comment on IG. Rationally I know he was single so it shouldn't matter, but I feel it gives me an insite into how easily he'll approach women.

I've always had a fear of cheating, even when I was a child, so the fact it happened makes my fear real. 

We are very open with feelings, it's a loving relationship and we do lots together. We have spoken about boundaries and we both agree- the problem is my cheating ex also agreed, so I'm just thinking well you would say that, you're not going say you chat up women on the Internet. So tbh he can't really win and I can see that. Its just hard to let go and trust what he says.

He's encouraged me to change my job that was making me unhappy and also helped me to walk again, as I had a spell I couldn't. He works full time and does art as a hobby. I work for myself and am building my own business. I also do art as a hobby and we Hike together at weekends.

How long did you meet your current partner after your ex? Are you receiving treatment for depression and anxiety? He sounds like a supportive and loving partner. And a single man(or woman) is going to be single or want to mingle with other singles and meet people. It's not unusual behaviour. It's when someone exhibits toying with others' emotions or treating people like objects (using and discarding with little empathy) or addicted to the chase when the concern starts.

Where do the fears of cheating from since a child come from? Is it something you saw at home? 

It's great that you both have personal and career interests independent of the relationship. 

[MsBailey]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you under a doctor and therapists care for this?

No, I was but the sessions only last 12 weeks then they finish regardless of what progress you have made.

I recently came off my antidepressants too, after being ok for a solid year

[MsBailey]

1 hour ago, glows said:

How long did you meet your current partner after your ex? Are you receiving treatment for depression and anxiety? He sounds like a supportive and loving partner. And a single man(or woman) is going to be single or want to mingle with other singles and meet people. It's not unusual behaviour. It's when someone exhibits toying with others' emotions or treating people like objects (using and discarding with little empathy) or addicted to the chase when the concern starts.

Where do the fears of cheating from since a child come from? Is it something you saw at home? 

It's great that you both have personal and career interests independent of the relationship. 

I met him directly after breaking up with my ex. He knew my ex and we ended up talking over Facebook after I posted and tagged my ex in screenshots of him cheating. Then me and my current boyfriend started talking from there. I was worried it was too soon but he said he wanted to help, we both liked each other so we started the relationship knowing I had trust issues.

Sometimes how we met over Facebook can bother me too- what's stopping him talking to someone else. Which I also realise isn't logical and I did the same thing as him.

I did receive 12 weeks of cbt but it didn't really help. I was on antidepressants for 2 years, and recently came off them after 1 year of improvement in my anxiety. He had been very supportive and loving, and when I'm not anxious it's happy. I don't want it to be fake or lose it, which intensifies the fear- I have a lot to lose and I have a lot of self respect so would end a relationship over online flirting.

I understand that. I think it's the fact he used Instagram to do it and it was on a woman who lived no where near, so apart from instant gratification and fun there wasn't really much to achieve. So this is where I start to question his character and worry he could easily do it again, which would end the relationship. He says he understands it would end the relationship and he wouldn't do it anyway because he's just not interested in cheating. I do believe him, it's just hard to let go of the what if. He told me he has ended previous relationships when a girlfriend was texting other guys, and another because she went skinny dipping with men she met on holiday- he said it just made him paranoid and was a step too far for him.

My mum and dad are still married with no affairs. But my mum did accuse my dad of having affairs a few times over stupid reasons- buying the wrong flavour Crisps, a preloaded photo of a kitchen on his phone, working with women and receiving phone calls from them. I also was pushed out of friendship groups so have always expected to be betrayed.

Over the years I've also had lots of experience of guys messaging me to flirt even though they have had girlfriends, so in turn I think my boyfriends must be doing the same. 

I do feel comfortable when he's not in my company, whereas with my ex I couldn't rest if I wasn't with him.

Also my anxiety seems to Peak around my period, especially if something else has upset me.

[glows]

16 minutes ago, MsBailey said:

I was worried it was too soon but he said he wanted to help, we both liked each other so we started the relationship knowing I had trust issues.

Sometimes how we met over Facebook can bother me too- what's stopping him talking to someone else.

Was he a close friend of your ex? I think you're feeling uneasy because your boyfriend might have seemed to take advantage of a situation and swoop in when you were just broken up with someone else, under the guise of "helping". I'm sorry you're having so much doubt about your partner. 

Some of it sounds like anxiety and other parts sound like you both just moved way too fast. He's told you he doesn't cheat and it's causing disruptions and mistrust in your relationship so until you you can trust your partner, this will be an ongoing issue.

I think it must be very damaging seeing your mother accuse your father and see them argue or fight. Are you able to distance yourself from that? I saw similar growing up and it did have an effect on me. That's why I asked. As an adult I was later able to make sense of their dynamic and distance myself from that, recognize that there is a better way to treat others.

I'd talk with a doctor about any other health issues, PMS related or about your anxiety and depression. It helps to have a sounding board and go for regular check ups. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MsBailey said:

No, I was but the sessions only last 12 weeks then they finish regardless of what progress you have made.

I recently came off my antidepressants too, after being ok for a solid year

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.  Get tests done. Rule out physical problems. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

Many cutting edge antidepressants have unnoticeable side effects and many treat comorbid conditions like OCD and anxiety.

Your health is your most valuable asset and your BF will only tolerate this for so long.

Consider a side hustle or out of the house job so you are not bored and tempted to fill voids by scanning each and every social media message your BF has ever engaged in.

[ShyViolet]

He flirted with a woman when he was SINGLE, before he was with you.  That does not indicate, whatsoever, that he's likely to cheat in the relationship now.  People are allowed to flirt with other people, whether on Instagram or in person, when they are single.  You are being completely unreasonable and paranoid, and you're looking for problems where there are none.  This is a manifestation of your anxiety and mental health struggles, and you need to recognize that this is a problem with YOU, not him.  You should focus on working on your issues and getting back into therapy, if you want to avoid sabotaging this relationship.

[smackie9]

Wow you have been carrying this around with you for 4 years?? Girl those antidepressants are calling your name. Get back into therapy and you will feel so much better. There is no cure for depression only a lifetime of treatment to sustain your mental health. You are going right back down that dark hole again as soon as you stopped your medication...see the connection?