Not my exes equal breakup

[Ross Gerard]

Two weeks after a breakup. Trying to find a polite response to the following without pushing away or pulling her in but the goal of getting her back after I improve myself: 

 

[5/25, 10:00 AM] Her: How are you?
[5/25, 10:24 AM] Me: I am doing okay, while feeling sad which is hard to say as a man as it doesn't feel attractive, missing your company a lot of the time, thanks for asking. I know we will be back together one day and have everything we ever want or need without any worries.  I still feel strong though if not stronger and more conscious then ever. I know what my purpose is and I have my goals in sight and I will be successful. How are you, the boys, and the rest of the family?
[5/26, 11:32 PM] Her: We are in Winterberg with my sister, who is again waiting for important results.
A lot going on at this moment, I might tell you one day but not for the moment.
I do miss you sometimes yes and especially your authentic loyal love, but all the worries that came with our relationship are gone too. It was too much for me to bear (alone).
There was no equality and for that I feel better alone.
Not a nice message, hard for me as well, but this is how I feel it now
[5/27, 7:42 AM] Me: Apart from that Ross, I also value you a lot for the things you did bring and meant

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Ross Gerard said:

Two weeks after a breakup.  without pushing away or pulling her in but the goal of getting her back after I improve myself.

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How old is she?

What, exactly, do you feel you need to improve about yourself? And how does that relate to the breakup?

Go no contact. Let her miss you while you both have time to process and reflect. 

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Ross Gerard]

We were dating for eight months knew each other for a year. 41 and she is 45. 

I need to improve my income and wealth to be more attractive and cover my half of her dreams on travelling and buying a second home. Other things I have under control as far as I am conscious of. She would worry about my well being as I didn't have a visa to work and was doing side jobs untill last wed. Positive note I paid for myself and she did herself but wanted more as she owns her home and works full time as a marketing specialist for a big firm.

Edited May 27, 2022 by Ross Gerard
Hit save to fast on utility

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Ross Gerard said:

 I need to improve my income and wealth to be more attractive and cover my half of her dreams on travelling and buying a second home. Other things I have under control as far as I am conscious 

Ok. Are there financial discrepancies? What were the real reasons for the breakup? Certainly not traveling and second home expenses.

32 weeks dating is the get-to-know-you period. It seems like there were incompatibilities.

Improving your bottom line should be for you, not to impress anyone.

Was she on/off with an ex or recently out of a relationship? Are both of you divorced with kids?

What were the arguments about? Why did it end and who ended it? Unfortunately she seems resolute in her decision to end it.

Don't beg, plead or make promises. Just stay no contact and reflect.

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Ross Gerard]

There were lots of financial descrepencies and some issues when I found out I owed more Child Support in the USA as they raised the amount while I wasnt working and I was never notified. That too that was a hinderance. She also argued that I didn't seem to be bothered about it. But I was. Just not overly focused on it. But I am going to handle it on my terms because I can and it is the only way I am capable of at the time. There were some incompatibilities for sure but she promised to talk to me about them before being hot/cold. She broke up once then didn't care and came running back and I took her back immediately. Then a month later after our trip together to France she did the same after the trip. Worried about my financial situation and me not being her so called equal. She did have a fwb before which should have been a red flag but she did give a lot for this relationship and did do a lot so I am not putting her down at all. I got to know her young two kids and my too kids are grown. We only argued once when I called her a name but never did that since and we got over that. She ended it because I wasnt her equal and she worried about her future with me too the point she was getting nasty with me sometimes.  

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Ross Gerard said:

 . We only argued once when I called her a name but never did that since and we got over that. she was getting nasty with me sometimes.  

On /off relationships are fraught with conflict and incompatibilities combined with unhealthy attachments.

This is not just about your child support being in arrears and your unemployment.

You both got a bit abusive toward each other in 8 short months.

Stay no contact. Improve your finances and debt, but for yourself, not luxury travel or homes.

 

[Ross Gerard]

Yeah, I appreacite your input. I appreciate your insight. I will mostly stay no contact. But if she responds I will too with short positive messages to acknowledge her. But now I am going no contact after that. My finances are fine really. I want her to be happy and I want to be happy. I also want to be back with her too one day. So I am not jumping to another woman and I hope to impress her eventually with my resolve and success. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Ross Gerard said:

Two weeks after a breakup. Trying to find a polite response to the following without pushing away or pulling her in but the goal of getting her back after I improve myself: 

 

[5/25, 10:00 AM] Her: How are you?
[5/25, 10:24 AM] Me: I am doing okay, while feeling sad which is hard to say as a man as it doesn't feel attractive, missing your company a lot of the time, thanks for asking. I know we will be back together one day and have everything we ever want or need without any worries.  I still feel strong though if not stronger and more conscious then ever. I know what my purpose is and I have my goals in sight and I will be successful. How are you, the boys, and the rest of the family?
[5/26, 11:32 PM] Her: We are in Winterberg with my sister, who is again waiting for important results.
A lot going on at this moment, I might tell you one day but not for the moment.
I do miss you sometimes yes and especially your authentic loyal love, but all the worries that came with our relationship are gone too. It was too much for me to bear (alone).
There was no equality and for that I feel better alone.
Not a nice message, hard for me as well, but this is how I feel it now
[5/27, 7:42 AM] Me: Apart from that Ross, I also value you a lot for the things you did bring and meant

I wouldn't respond to this. It's clear to me why she broke up with you - you're in denial and the way you speak or think and the way she thinks are not on the same page. She is relieved that you're gone. This may sound harsh but leave her be and keep working on yourself. 

You have confidence to turn your life around but what seems to disturb her, if I'm reading this correctly, is she doesn't think you're very realistic as a whole. It took her eight months to figure out that what you may have said you are and what you actually are as a partner didn't add up. That's usually how most break ups ensue or how relationships end. 

Good of you to want to do well but do it on your own terms and not for her.

[Ross Gerard]

Alright, I mean. I responded "hope you have a nice time with the kids & family this weekend and I am doing excting things" is all and I will leave it at that. She often contacts me though and that is confusing. This isn't the first time she broke up with me and before she said she wants to tolerate our differences out of love but it seems like she changed her mind again. I refuse to love anyone else though and have the power to enforce my desires on myself at least. That makes me feel confident with the consciousness that arised from this situation. In the meantime I refuse to be used or used others. Life is give and take. We learn to give as a child but pull in on that the more rational become and then we take and take but are never satisfied only the giving part completes us. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Ross Gerard said:

Alright, I mean. I responded "hope you have a nice time with the kids & family this weekend and I am doing excting things" is all and I will leave it at that. She often contacts me though and that is confusing. This isn't the first time she broke up with me and before she said she wants to tolerate our differences out of love but it seems like she changed her mind again. I refuse to love anyone else though and have the power to enforce my desires on myself at least. That makes me feel confident with the consciousness that arised from this situation. In the meantime I refuse to be used or used others. Life is give and take. We learn to give as a child but pull in on that the more rational become and then we take and take but are never satisfied only the giving part completes us. 

Yes, reciprocity is important in relationships. What you're not taking into account is the one-sided nature of this. Sadly she's happy you're gone and is slowly morphing this into a friendship only. She can't see you as a partner but she also misses your company. She contacts you because she likes having you around and maybe feels sorry about the break up but it has nothing to do with feeling like you're the right guy for her. The best of both worlds is keeping you as a friend while she starts dating other men. 

The issue for her is incompatibility unfortunately. It's often confusing in the aftermath of a break up as emotions don't switch off instantly. We can still experience love and care for someone and affection but any desire to be a couple is gone.

By refusing to love anyone else you're in willful denial. It's your choice though. For as long as she's in your life you likely won't ever feel like you can love anyone else because you aren't over her or haven't given yourself a chance to move on. 

[Ross Gerard]

Okay I agree this statement to be more accurate to my reality than the last even though the last one ws nice. Well done. I tried to make up with the way she felt one sided about things by doing a lot of effort for her recently. I guess she just wanted to say goodbye to me when she invited me to France. Before she did she said she needed some time to reflect and I said don't invite me but she insisted. We left with her and the kids and it was a nice affair together that we all enjoyed. But her reflection got the worst of me. So she ended on a sweet note with lots of enjoyable experiences and eyeopening thoughts for me as I continue my growth. She will go off to pursue her ambitions and me mine all the while I will never forget her. I wish her the best even if I don't agree with her and I don't really care who she dates to be honest. She probably decided also she isn't ready for a relationship as her attitude towards those changed as time went on and she just settled appeasing me with the answers I wanted to here instead of being open and honest about her new opions after the infatuation stage. Not to mention my own immaturities didn't help in the situation. Thanks for the response. Well received.  

[glows]

9 minutes ago, Ross Gerard said:

She probably decided also she isn't ready for a relationship as her attitude towards those changed as time went on and she just settled appeasing me with the answers I wanted to here instead of being open and honest about her new opions after the infatuation stage. Not to mention my own immaturities didn't help in the situation. 

What gives you the impression that she isn't ready for a relationship? Did she just get out of another relationship? This seems more and more like a chaotic situation, not to mention your immaturities, the name-calling and her becoming nasty with you.

Give yourself more time to get over her and don't keep responding to her. Eventually you may ask for some privacy (stop contacting you) and create better boundaries with your ex. Move on and don't linger in a dysfunctional relationship or hope that it gets better. She showed you what she was and why none of this worked.

[Ross Gerard]

I only called her on name in one year and she only got mad at me once. She isn't ready for a relationship with me I meant. Or doesn't want one which can imply both. Chaos has the deepest roots because nature is chaos compared to something well maintained from a human that falls apart. I come from an abusive family that was never around so something like this doesn't bother me at all. In addition she reaches out with promises to respond to something I responded of her. I am try to move on with my life but I will never accept another relationship. Those days are done for me. I am fine with friends though. Thanks for your responses.

[Ross Gerard]

21 hours ago, Ross Gerard said:

Two weeks after a breakup. Trying to find a polite response to the following without pushing away or pulling her in but the goal of getting her back after I improve myself: 

 

[5/25, 10:00 AM] Her: How are you?
[5/25, 10:24 AM] Me: I am doing okay, while feeling sad which is hard to say as a man as it doesn't feel attractive, missing your company a lot of the time, thanks for asking. I know we will be back together one day and have everything we ever want or need without any worries.  I still feel strong though if not stronger and more conscious then ever. I know what my purpose is and I have my goals in sight and I will be successful. How are you, the boys, and the rest of the family?
[5/26, 11:32 PM] Her: We are in Winterberg with my sister, who is again waiting for important results.
A lot going on at this moment, I might tell you one day but not for the moment.
I do miss you sometimes yes and especially your authentic loyal love, but all the worries that came with our relationship are gone too. It was too much for me to bear (alone).
There was no equality and for that I feel better alone.
Not a nice message, hard for me as well, but this is how I feel it now
[5/27, 7:42 AM] Me: Apart from that Ross, I also value you a lot for the things you did bring and meant

In addition: 

Me: Okay, hope you enjoy time with the boys and your family this weekend. I have a lot of positive stuff going on where I am focused.[5/27, 4:48 PM] Her: Cool! Hopefully it works out well

[5/27, 5:10 PM] Me: Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ross Gerard said:

 I am try to move on with my life but I will never accept another relationship. 

That seems illogical. If you are waiting around for her to come back, you're not moving on with your life.

Perhaps because it's been on/off so much you're hoping this is just another off period?

[Ross Gerard]

Well logic is never satisfied, however as a human I can be satisfied so I don't base my life only on strictly logic. I believe logic is founded by our feelings and beliefs mostly. I appreciate logic and I am amazed by all the amazing tools it gives us to solve problems but I am hoping this is another off period. Plus I did my part in society, I stood up for my beliefs and picked my person to be with and if she doesn't want me then I have to stand my ground and learn how to develop without someone else being a part of my life. Because that is my reality and the logical step I want to take to not let the world step on me and to carry my voice above all the other noise that surrounds us. Thanks for your response. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Ross Gerard said:

 I am hoping this is another off period. 

Ok. Perhaps it will be. So it seems you're waiting for her to come back again.

[Ross Gerard]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Perhaps it will be. So it seems you're waiting for her to come back again.

Well I am hoping she is coming back and I am working on myself in the process to attract her back but I am not wanting to wait on her. I am wanting to love her which I do. Even if I am not in her day to day life and she knows that. So, I am just giving everything space for now as I don't see why anything else would be appropriate. I want her to miss me too for all I have done, dedicated, intended and contributed. So when she responds next, which she will, I hope she will be talking more about how she misses and appreciates me and it will always be enough to overcome her worries about financial issues. 

[glows]

All you can do is be your best self and live well. I disagree about not ever being in another relationship again as it suggests you've closed yourself off to other opportunities. This woman isn't offering anything fulfilling and just told you, in essence, that you're not good enough for her. I think you have very low self-esteem, possibly lingering damage from your abusive childhood and you're not walking away from unfulfilling relationships. 

Whatever you choose is your choice but you have one life. If you feel depressive, anxious, ruminating, speak with your doctor about these things. Don't keep living the same reality or loop over and over. When a door closes, find another or climb out the window (provided it is a one story and there are low lying shrubs outside - do not hurt yourself). Do things differently.

Edited May 28, 2022 by glows

[Ross Gerard]

Maybe I will look again one day but for now I want to be sure my own actions don't damage others as well. Thanks for that. I feel better

[mtnbiker3000]

It sounds like you might want to work on self-acceptance. And work on finding someone who accepts you just the way you are. Right now. As is. Because there is nothing wrong with you or that needs fixing!

[Ross Gerard]

I am fine but I am gonna get my girl back.