How to Recover Relationship After Being Cheated on

[PaytonL]

My girlfriend and I moved to a new city and moved in together after dating for 6 months. We basically had to in order to avoid long distance. 

After our 11th month of being together (5 months living together in the new city), I found messages on her phone and discovered she'd been on 3 dates with a sugar daddy. 

They were restaurant/bar dates. I can tell from the messages that there was no sex. They met up for about an hour each time and she came back home.

Obviously I was devastated beyond measure. I never thought she would be capable of this. I felt completely blindsided. 

When I confronted her about this her explanation was the following: she is an immigrant living in the United States and does not have a secure status (her job said they would file for her green card but they have been slow in the process), so she had deportation fears. She and I had been arguing quite a bit and she was doubting our relationship was going to work out. If we broke up, I would be fine because I'm a US citizen and I have a good job and savingd, but she has been using much of her income to pay her brother's college tuition. 

She wanted a backup plan. She thought in the event of a breakup she could engage this sugar daddy and he might pay for her to go to grad school. She claims she was never going to be physical with him while she and I were together. And if I showed any signs of proposing to her or a level of commitment along those lines she would have stopped seeing him. She even proposed to me the night I found out, but obviously that was an incredibly chaotic time. 

All I can confidently say is that I believe her intentions because she was talking to this guy over the course of 4 months and only met him three times, and there was no sex. That being said, the flirtatious messages were absolutely gut wrenching to read and still bother me now. It's been 7 months at this point since I found out.

She's obviously put a stop to this. I now have access to her phone whenever I want. If she's going out she sends me messages when she arrives or video calls or pictures of her location. She's been very remorseful, though at the same time in moments when I express hurt about it, she can get defensive and it turns into an argument.

I'm just wondering if anyone has advice for me on how to deal with this. I've painted a negative picture here, but Ive stayed in this relationship and I feel it's very fulfilling. I wont go into detail about all the good things in this relationship, but overall I'm convinced that she loves me deeply, and she shows everyday that she wants to get married and will be patient, and going forward I believe she will be faithful. 

My issue is that I am still in a lot of pain. It was extremely traumatizing for me and I feel like I suffer to a degree almost everyday. It's not as bad as it was when I first found out, but Im still paranoid, I feel humiliated, embarrassed, resentful at times. I just don't know how to get over this as quickly as I would like, or as completely as I would like.

I'm just wondering is there any hope that a situation like mine can work out?

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by PaytonL

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, PaytonL said:

My girlfriend and I moved to a new city and moved in together after dating for 6 months. .I found messages on her phone and discovered she'd been on 3 dates with a sugar daddy. 

she is an immigrant living in the United States and does not have a secure status (her job said they would file for her green card but they have been slow in the process), so she had deportation fears.

She wanted a backup plan. She thought in the event of a breakup she could engage this sugar daddy and he might pay for her to go to grad school

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately way too much too soon so you jumped into living together with someone you really didn't know well. How did you meet?

Basically she is more akin to an escort than "cheating". Her reasoning for it is even worse, meaning she uses men for whatever she can get, a green card, money, security, etc. Do not marry this woman. She is quite manipulative and uses any means to an end.

Edited May 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[PotatoHead]

Sorry to hear about the situation.  I have been through something very similar.  Had the same type of constant pain while trying to make it work, while GF was very remorseful and the relationship otherwise was great.

I think it comes down to whether you feel you can work past it and get over the pain and insecurity this will cause.  This will be especially hard if you've ever been hurt this way in the past.  Therapy would be a good idea.  You truly have to be able to put it behind you, forgive her and believe that nothing will ever happen again.  Without trust, the relationship cannot work.  As long as you are feeling this pain, the resentment will build and will drive a wedge in between you two.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, PaytonL said:

She claims she was never going to be physical with him while she and I were together. And if I showed any signs of proposing to her or a level of commitment along those lines she would have stopped seeing him

OP, you are getting the wool pulled over your eyes in more ways than one here 

You are blind the obvious, but above says it all: she is using you, too. This woman wants a green card. You are a means to an end, and if you couldn't provide it, she was already lining up another option. Of course she is talking about marriage with you now - she is in panic mode now that Sugar Daddy has been cut off and wants to make sure she quickly finds a way to remain in the US - and that would be you. You are completely misunderstanding why she proposed to you. It's because she needs to secure the correct paperwork to stay. Not because she just suddenly loved you so much. She's still laying it on thick: 
 

1 hour ago, PaytonL said:

she shows everyday that she wants to get married

You don't say! 

1 hour ago, PaytonL said:

I'm convinced that she loves me deeply

This your hope speaking. But OP, a woman who loves you deeply wouldn't play for a fool. Ever. 

It seems you got caught up in a fantasy but moved in with a woman you didn't really know. And the truth is ugly: she is a liar, cheater and user. 

1 hour ago, PaytonL said:

is there any hope that a situation like mine can work out?

I don't believe so, no. If I may be blunt....It would be naive and foolish to marry her. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, PaytonL said:

She wanted a backup plan. She thought in the event of a breakup she could engage this sugar daddy and he might pay for her to go to grad school. She claims she was never going to be physical with him while she and I were together. And if I showed any signs of proposing to her or a level of commitment along those lines she would have stopped seeing him. She even proposed to me the night I found out, but obviously that was an incredibly chaotic time. 

She's entitled to doing whatever she needs to do, sugar whatever. What is happening is she's also showing you that her life is chaotic. Regardless of who she's seeing, what she's paying for, what her status is in the country, her life is chaotic. So why would you want to be around that in the first place? 

You mentioned many good things about the relationship. If we want something badly enough, we'll always see the good in something, even if it's poison or toxic. Any time I have ignored my instincts on someone's disposition or their life circumstances and how topsy turvy things are, I've lived to regret it. Pay attention to her and her circumstances and ask yourself if it's something you wish to involve yourself with overall. To add to this, there's hardly any trust between the two of you. Your relationship might as well be resting on quicksand.

[Alpacalia]

From my experience, no. 

He betrayed my forgiveness.

By then, the damage was too severe. I could not support a relationship where I no longer trusted him. Ultimately, it was like living in an empty shell.

Naturally, I can't tell you which road to take, but sometimes the only way to move forward is to put this person behind you.

The process may not be simple, but it's better than the alternative.

I wish you well.

[Uruktopi]

4 hours ago, PaytonL said:

I'm just wondering is there any hope that a situation like mine can work out?

It depends on what you define as work out.

Even if possible (and probably is) just personallyI wouldn´t find it desirable.

[Alvi]

I can't tell you what to do. If you are not that serious about this girl and deep inside know that this relation has an expiration date, you can continue exploring things with her.

But if you are looking for a long term relationship or a marriage, well, you have to look beyond a pretty face or a hot body. You have to look at that woman's character. You have to see how she acts to determine whether or not she is going to make a good forever partner. If she is going a sugar daddy route, what does it tell you about her character? I am not judging her at all, this is her life and she is free to do whatever she wishes. But is it someone you see as a wife material? She may not be a bad person but you need to be with a right person for you (the one that makes good life choices).

Don't be so naïve and believe that there are some good sugar daddies out there who are just going to pay for her education without wanting anything in exchange. Highly doubt there was nothing sexual between her and those guys but you can believe whatever you want to believe.

[smackie9]

She's a user bro, kick her to the curb where she belongs. You have been taken for a ride. Hey it can happen to anyone, you need to be good to yourself and move on.

Edited June 4, 2022 by smackie9