do I confront ex about cheating

[searching21]

Hi all, 

I'm looking for some advice. My boyfriend of 5 years and I split up about 6 weeks ago. I was a very supportive girlfriend to him, and he was less than that back. We had our good times sure, but he would take out his bad moods on me. He would get angry if he was having a stressful day. He would avoid conversations about commitment and moving forward in our relationship. I wanted to move in together and be in a loving committed relationship. He said because he had children (adult children) he wasn't ready to move in. I am in therapy now to work through my issues of low self worth to let this go on as long as it did, and I'm seeing that because of my low self esteem I let him control our relationship. He was very charming, and liked to play the victim, so I always felt bad for him and tried to take his stresses away. 

Fast forward to now, I have recently found out that a year ago he was taking another woman out for fancy dinners and telling her intimate details about our relationship and my personal qualities. He told this woman I had "Let myself go" and "our relationship was over" (It wasn't, not even close) and that why would he want to be with me when he could have a woman like her. etc 

To add to this, I own my own gym and I'm a fitness instructor/golf instructor. I may have gained a Covid 10 lbs, but to hear he told another woman I had let myself go has cut me deeper than I thought imaginable. 

To add another layer - this woman entered into a financial situation/investment with him and is now suing him for a lot of money (all behind my back). She has a deadline next week for him to respond and pay her. 

My question is - do I confront him? If I do, I think I should wait for this deadline because although I'm sure she isn't innocent in this, she is a single mother and my ex is a wealthy man so I would like to see her get her money and my confrontation may not help, but I'd love some opinions. 

 

Thanks!

[basil67]

Now that he's your ex, there's no point in confronting him.  Just be quietly happy that he's getting his dose of Karma

[searching21]

Also, 

If anyone has any tips on how to get over the betrayal I'm feeling that would be welcomed. I feel so disrespected and hurt, I can't seem to shake that feeling. 

[basil67]

Ah, it's about letting yourself go through the process of healing.  Feeling disrespected and hurt is completely understandable and normal and it's OK to let those feelings flow.  Perhaps allow them out with journaling?    Time is the only thing which will really cure it so just be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, searching21 said:

My question is - do I confront him?

I would not. 

Not because he doesn't deserve an epic confrontation for the annals of history, but because it will keep you embroiled in pain and anguish. It will likely you hurt you even more to hear his excuses and justifications. It will anger you. I don't believe any of that will help you heal. 

Sometimes we are better off letting the universe take care of it. And this other woman suing him is a step in that direction. The rest will take care of itself. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, searching21 said:

Also, 

If anyone has any tips on how to get over the betrayal I'm feeling that would be welcomed. I feel so disrespected and hurt, I can't seem to shake that feeling. 

This is very unfortunate to have happened to you.

Infidelity can ravage your body and mind like a deadly plague. 

First of all, do not blame yourself. Infidelity is always the fault of the person who chose to be unfaithful. You're not responsible for your mate's actions. It doesn't matter what happened in the relationship. Do not feel responsible or let anyone blame you. 

After infidelity, people can indulge in unhealthy habits. You may overindulge in unhealthy food. You may neglect exercising. Some fail to leave the house. After infidelity, self-care is vital. Confide in family and friends. Maybe try to maintain a daily gratitude practice. 

Recovery doesn't follow a direct path. Be kind to yourself and take your time to heal. This is your journey. Let go of judgment. In pain, you will grow and heal.

You need time to move through initial shock and gather information. Time will not heal all wounds, but it will offer some perspective. There is nothing more precious to us than our ability to trust our perceptions.

Remember, your feelings are intimate and cannot be activated or deactivated upon demand. It is important that you recognize that you are not alone in this situation, and that you always deserve better.

Honor and respect yourself by dating someone who honors and respects you. Don't think you are broken, and never, ever let anyone convince you that you are. That says MUCH MORE about them.

The time has come to accept that you will never trust this person again and decide if you can live with it.

Keeping quiet and not acting in a hurry is the best strategy.

Don't make decisions that you can't live with once they are enacted.

Once you are "comfortable" with whatever decision you are going with, make your move.

Get your head out and find your worth. Then boot them out from your life. 🦶 🏃‍♀️

Edited May 28, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

There's no need to confront him. You're here and he's there and you're both like apples and oranges. He appears to be entangled in a completely different world, unrelated to yours.

What he did was a terrible thing deceiving you and cheating on you. The best part is that your relationship didn't progress to any other commitment like marriage or living together.

Work on healing and letting go of that bitterness and anger. Use your gym and stay active, let out your frustration there by working out and sticking to healthy routines. This means getting adequate sleep, eating well and taking care of your mental health. What he said hurt you but don't let it break you. Go on and keep achieving any other goals you have.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, searching21 said:

 he would take out his bad moods on me. He would get angry if he was having a stressful day. He would avoid conversations about commitment and moving forward in our relationship.

 Sorry this is happening. You dodged a bullet. Be grateful you never lived together.

He was abusive and unfortunately you were overinvested and overinvolved. 

The best way to heal and move forward is to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[stillafool]

So what if he told this OW you let yourself go.  You know that's not true and that's all that matters.  Men who cheat often talk badly about their wives/gfs to the OW because they have to justify their cheating.  It really doesn't matter what she thinks.  No, you should not confront him because their joint financial investment deal and what went wrong is not your business and he may tell you this if you were to ask him.  Just be thankful that Karma has given him a visit rather fast and that it doesn't involve any of your money.

[searching21]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry this is happening. You dodged a bullet. Be grateful you never lived together.

He was abusive and unfortunately you were overinvested and overinvolved. 

The best way to heal and move forward is to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

He was definitely controlling and manipulative. I see that now. I've been going to a therapist since we split to gain some perspective. She has been wonderful to help me see my self worth. I feel like hearing about his intimate encounters and financial troubles has set me back unfortunately. 

[searching21]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

So what if he told this OW you let yourself go.  You know that's not true and that's all that matters.  Men who cheat often talk badly about their wives/gfs to the OW because they have to justify their cheating.  It really doesn't matter what she thinks.  No, you should not confront him because their joint financial investment deal and what went wrong is not your business and he may tell you this if you were to ask him.  Just be thankful that Karma has given him a visit rather fast and that it doesn't involve any of your money.

Thanks stillafool. You're right. Logically I know that when someone cheats they will often talk negatively about their partner. I can't help but take it personal in my heart, I wish there was a way to stay just logical about the whole thing. I feel this anxiety creep in and it's hart to shut my brain off from thinking about how I had no idea who he really was, and what he did behind my back. 

[searching21]

Just an update. My ex reached out and messaged me that he's having such a hard time after our breakup. That he hates himself for treating me poorly. Basically doing what he usually does and plays the victim for his choices. I haven't responded. I feel people like this are toxic and I have a hard time not getting sucked back into things. 

[BaileyB]

What do you have to gain for confronting him?

If your goal is let go and move forward with your own life - there is nothing to gain from going back to involve yourself in this kind of drama. 

[searching21]

Just now, BaileyB said:

What do you have to gain for confronting him?

If your goal is let go and move forward with your own life - there is nothing to gain from going back to involve yourself in this kind of drama. 

I guess I don’t mean confront him exactly. More or less just telling him that I know what he did, and that he didn’t ‘get away with it’ and then just move on. 

[Alpacalia]

Nope.

The act of confronting him is an instinctual desire to interact with him, to have his attention focused on you, and to remind him of what he lost. 

If this is what you want to do, a confrontation is not the way to go about it.

Since his actions speak louder than his words, and since he appears to be acting like a total dope, what else needs to be known?

[glows]

41 minutes ago, searching21 said:

I guess I don’t mean confront him exactly. More or less just telling him that I know what he did, and that he didn’t ‘get away with it’ and then just move on. 

Nah. Be free. Don’t keep looking backwards. You’re dragging that weight with you. Move forwards without anything weighing you down, even words like this. You have one life to live. Don’t spend it reliving someone else’s mistakes.

[ShyViolet]

No, absolutely not.  Continuing any further dialogue with him, telling him what you "know", "confronting" him, would not help you to move on in any way.  It would be the opposite of that... only drag out this drama and anguish.  What on earth would talking to him any further accomplish?  He is already your ex.  You are already broken up.  When you broke up with him, you already knew that he was a terrible boyfriend and did a lot of bad things.  This cheating is just another thing to add to the list.  

Doing what's best for YOU now would be blocking him and never speaking to him again.  Don't concern yourself with his court case or this other woman or whatever is going on.  It's not your problem and not your business.  Don't let him contact you and tell you he's sorry and try to suck you into a dialogue.  You need to block him so you can actually start moving on.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, searching21 said:

. My ex reached out and messaged me that he's having such a hard time after our breakup. 

Block him.

[IrinaM]

How did you happen to find out this info? If it's from the OW, stop talking to her. If it's from "mutual friends," cut those people out of your life. You don't need people who try to embroil you in drama.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, searching21 said:

My ex reached out and messaged me that he's having such a hard time after our breakup. That he hates himself for treating me poorly. Basically doing what he usually does and plays the victim for his choices. I haven't responded. I feel people like this are toxic and I have a hard time not getting sucked back into things. 

It's time to block him. 

Continuing to allow him access to you keeps you stuck on him. Don't bother confronting him - he knows what he did. Your silence will tell him that you know, too. 

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, searching21 said:

Just an update. My ex reached out and messaged me that he's having such a hard time after our breakup. That he hates himself for treating me poorly. Basically doing what he usually does and plays the victim for his choices. I haven't responded. I feel people like this are toxic and I have a hard time not getting sucked back into things. 

Instead of contacting him, block him! Hopefully, Karma will find him through the woman who is suing him. Luckily, you are already seeing a therapist, so you're on the right path. It might help you to journalize. Page one should be dedicated to all the things you love about yourself and you need to read it every day until you start feeling better about yourself. Also, you own a fitness center and you are a personal trainer/golf instructor. You have MANY things to be proud of and he doesn't deserve one bit of your headspace!

You're right. People like him are toxic. The woman he had on the back burner is now suing him, so he's trying to come back to you. Nope. He doesn't deserve you. Cut him loose permanently by blocking him!

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, searching21 said:

 he's having such a hard time after our breakup. That he hates himself for treating me poorly. 

Tell him to pay a therapist. Move forward and put this in the past.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, searching21 said:

Just an update. My ex reached out and messaged me that he's having such a hard time after our breakup. That he hates himself for treating me poorly. Basically doing what he usually does and plays the victim for his choices. I haven't responded. I feel people like this are toxic and I have a hard time not getting sucked back into things. 

Is he just apologizing or is he asking you for a second chance?

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, searching21 said:

I guess I don’t mean confront him exactly. More or less just telling him that I know what he did, and that he didn’t ‘get away with it’ and then just move on. 

It is best to just ignore him.

Edited May 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[searching21]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Is he just apologizing or is he asking you for a second chance?

Just apologizing. I think he’s just feeling guilty for things and it’s his selfish way to make himself feel better.