do I confront ex about cheating

[searching21]

To be clear, I wasn’t looking to confront him to hear his side, or get an apology. I simply hate when people do bad things and think they get away with it. I know he doesn’t care what I think or if he hurt me, otherwise he never would have entertained another woman. I simply wanted him to ‘know I know’ type thing. 
 

it sounds like it’s unanimous to block him, I’ve never done that before. From what I’m reading it does sound like a good way to move forward and focus on myself. My initial thoughts are guilt for blocking someone (remember I am in therapy to work through these feelings lol) does anyone have experience with that? I know he did wrong, but yet somehow I still feel bad. 

[searching21]

13 hours ago, IrinaM said:

How did you happen to find out this info? If it's from the OW, stop talking to her. If it's from "mutual friends," cut those people out of your life. You don't need people who try to embroil you in drama.

Hello, I found out from a client of mine. He was actually doing it in a way of letting me know about the financial issues so I could make sure to sever all financial ties. I dug a little deeper and found out it wasn’t just ‘business’. This client is great so I don’t think it was malicious. I won’t be digging any further that’s for sure.  

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, searching21 said:

to block him, I’ve never done that before. From what I’m reading it does sound like a good way to move forward and focus on myself. My initial thoughts are guilt for blocking someone

Think of it as having a lock/alarm on your home and cars. It keeps undesirables out. It declutters your social media and therefore your mind.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, searching21 said:

it sounds like it’s unanimous to block him, I’ve never done that before. From what I’m reading it does sound like a good way to move forward and focus on myself. My initial thoughts are guilt for blocking someone (remember I am in therapy to work through these feelings lol) does anyone have experience with that? I know he did wrong, but yet somehow I still feel bad. 

Don't feel bad.

You're making the right decision in this case to shine your shoes and:

On 5/27/2022 at 10:08 PM, Alpacalia said:

Then boot them out from your life. 🦶 🏃‍♀️

 

[searching21]

Thank you everyone. I have blocked him, and decided not to confront him. It is still hurting, but at least I feel I can start to heal ! If anyone has any good reading materials or websites/podcasts please send them my way

[glows]

Just now, searching21 said:

Thank you everyone. I have blocked him, and decided not to confront him. It is still hurting, but at least I feel I can start to heal ! If anyone has any good reading materials or websites/podcasts please send them my way

Happy for you. That's a great start. Use that energy and resolve elsewhere and look at what you'd like to do for yourself. I don't have websites for you and I did try to get into podcasts and it wasn't for me. I watched lots of movies and started making a list of the things I'd like to do within a year, five years, ten years and so on. These were just loose points, some were things I really wanted to accomplish (not knowing yet how I'd do it). The exercise in meditating over what you'd like to do with your life after the end of a long term relationship is eye-opening. You're getting more acquainted with yourself and there's nothing more refreshing than that. 

If you're hurt or feeling overwhelmed sometimes I found breathing exercises helped quite a bit especially during an adjustment period when overcoming loss.

[searching21]

Hi all, 

Not sure if anyone is still seeing this post, but for an update - he settled to pay this woman. And now, another woman has come forward saying she also invested with him somehow and he owes her money as well. 

As for me, I've still remained NC and have him blocked. I have to admit, I'm having a really hard time. I keep replaying things in my head. I go back to conversations, and trying to figure out where things went so drastically wrong that I didn't notice. I know it hasn't been long, but he's wasted 5 years of my life it's so upsetting that I can't seem to get my mind straight about this. 

Thanks for supporting me on here, this site really helps. 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, searching21 said:

Hi all, 

Not sure if anyone is still seeing this post, but for an update - he settled to pay this woman. And now, another woman has come forward saying she also invested with him somehow and he owes her money as well. 

As for me, I've still remained NC and have him blocked. I have to admit, I'm having a really hard time. I keep replaying things in my head. I go back to conversations, and trying to figure out where things went so drastically wrong that I didn't notice. I know it hasn't been long, but he's wasted 5 years of my life it's so upsetting that I can't seem to get my mind straight about this. 

Thanks for supporting me on here, this site really helps. 

You really did dodge a bullet on this one. Don't second guess yourself. At the time, you were making the decisions you thought were best. Look at it as a 5-year learning experience. Now you know what to look for and will not miss any signs moving forward. Be kind to yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, searching21 said:

Not sure if anyone is still seeing this post, but for an update - he settled to pay this woman. And now, another woman has come forward saying she also invested with him somehow and he owes her money as well. 

So not only is he a cheater, but he is a scam artist as well. No doubt, you are well rid of him. It will take time for your heart to catch up with your mind here, so be patient with yourself as you heal.

Out of curiosity, how are you finding all of this out? 

[poppyfields]

On 5/27/2022 at 5:28 PM, searching21 said:

I was a very supportive girlfriend to him, and he was less than that back. We had our good times sure, but he would take out his bad moods on me. He would get angry if he was having a stressful day. He would avoid conversations about commitment and moving forward in our relationship. 

Agree with others, he's your EX.  Let it go and continue moving forward. 

I would like to address the above quoted however.  Why did you choose to remain in a relationship with a man for 5 years who treated you this way?  

That's on you I'm afraid, I'd explore that.  Why you willingly chose to remain.  

Going forward, next time you encounter a man and situation like what your describe above, leave. 

Don't even bother having a conversation, such men wouldn't respond positively to that, so it's wasted effort.

Just wish him well and leave. 

Aim higher. Raise standards and hopefully you won't encounter a situation like this again. 

[searching21]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Agree with others, he's your EX.  Let it go and continue moving forward. 

I would like to address the above quoted however.  Why did you choose to remain in a relationship with a man for 5 years who treated you this way?  

That's on you I'm afraid, I'd explore that.  Why you willingly chose to remain.  

Going forward, next time you encounter a man and situation like what your describe above, leave. 

Don't even bother having a conversation, such men wouldn't respond positively to that, so it's wasted effort.

Just wish him well and leave. 

Aim higher. Raise standards and hopefully you won't encounter a situation like this again. 

Hi, you must have missed the part where I said I’m in therapy to address issues of self worth and low standards and why I allowed to be treated less than. I have childhood trauma that led to me feeling I didn’t deserve better. I’m addressing this now - so ‘that’s on me’ is not helpful. Thanks though. 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/27/2022 at 8:28 PM, searching21 said:

this woman entered into a financial situation/investment with him and is now suing him for a lot of money (all behind my back). She has a deadline next week for him to respond and pay her. 

You dodged a bullet. He sounds like a slick user. Read: "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout, Ph.D.

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, searching21 said:

Hi, you must have missed the part where I said I’m in therapy to address issues of self worth and low standards and why I allowed to be treated less than. I have childhood trauma that led to me feeling I didn’t deserve better. I’m addressing this now - so ‘that’s on me’ is not helpful. Thanks though. 

Apologies didn't mean to offend and yes I did miss the part where you said you were in therapy, my bad.

Remember, we are all here trying to help you, if we miss the mark as I did, it's always best to be gracious, again our intention is to help, not hurt or offend.

In any event I am glad you're in therapy addressing your issues, wish you the best moving forward. 

 

Edited June 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, searching21 said:

Not sure if anyone is still seeing this post, but for an update - he settled to pay this woman. And now, another woman has come forward saying she also invested with him somehow and he owes her money as well. 

Given that you already had him blocked with you, how did you find out about this? Have you been in contact with these women?

18 hours ago, searching21 said:

As for me, I've still remained NC and have him blocked. I have to admit, I'm having a really hard time. I keep replaying things in my head. I go back to conversations, and trying to figure out where things went so drastically wrong that I didn't notice. I know it hasn't been long, but he's wasted 5 years of my life it's so upsetting that I can't seem to get my mind straight about this. 

That's terrific.

I hope you continue to move forward.

That includes telling those that are associated with him not to contact you on his behalf regarding matters relating to him.

[stillafool]

On 5/30/2022 at 6:18 PM, searching21 said:

Thank you everyone. I have blocked him, and decided not to confront him.

How did you find out he settled with that woman and that another one has come forward with claims?

[searching21]

I found out from the same person who told me about all of this financial mess (and other woman). Now that she’s been paid, I’ve asked that we move forward and we don’t discuss my ex anymore. 
 

Our relationship aside, I never in a million years would have thought I would find out these things. This is why I’m having such a hard time. I realize people sometimes aren’t what they seem, but this has blindsided me and my head is spinning. 
 

I am taking the proper steps, but that doesn’t take away the feelings of hurt and betrayal. 

[Alpacalia]

Well, you've been blindsided, essentially.

It is important during this time of crisis for you to feel safe and that you take good care of your health and safety.

Keep your health in mind by eating a balanced diet and drinking a lot of water.

And keep in mind that what you feel right now is not what you will feel when you wake up tomorrow, or in a few days, or even a few months from now.

Give yourself time to grieve. Grief is a powerful tool for healing. Until you grieve, this painful experience will haunt you forever.

Be patient with yourself.

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, searching21 said:

I am taking the proper steps, but that doesn’t take away the feelings of hurt and betrayal. 

Of course it doesn't and it will take time to get over this.  You don't get over a 5 year relationship in 6 weeks.  Honestly it would help you to not hear about what is going on in his life.  Good  you told the women who informs you of his activity that you would prefer they stop so you can heal.

Edited June 4, 2022 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, searching21 said:

Our relationship aside, I never in a million years would have thought I would find out these things. This is why I’m having such a hard time. I realize people sometimes aren’t what they seem, but this has blindsided me and my head is spinning. 

And that's a perfectly reasonable reaction. You've had quite a shock, in that this man is a cheater and a swindler. Not the man you thought you knew. 

It was smart to ask you friend not to discuss your ex anymore. It will help you move on to no longer know what he's up to. In time, you too will feel that you are lucky this relationship ended. It's easy for us to say it, but your heart will need time to catch up to that. Be kind with yourself as you get there.