Dumped for a 60 Year Old Woman

[LaurenJJJ]

Hi everyone, I'm feeling a bit grossed out by whats happened to me and am looking for advice as to how to get over it.

Basically, we were together for 2 years in an exclusive relationship.  Very happy or so I thought, everything great, although it was somewhat long distance (3 hour drive) with plans on my part to return to his city because I am from there originally.  Then one day he phoned me up out of the blue and told me he had met someone else and was ending it.  Refused to talk or meet up, blocked me a few days later (not that I was texting him).  I had no idea what had happened.  A couple of mutual friends told me he was dating someone else but they both mentioned different girls.  I began to realise he had been cheating on me and to sort of observe him but from a distance, not stalking but just out of wariness wondering what he would do next.  A couple of months ago, he texted me (he must have unblocked me) suggesting meeting up, and when I didn't reply, he suggested coming round to my place because he "felt bad" about the way things ended.  I told him I wasn't interested in doing that, I was no longer interested in him because he was messing me about and I thought he was a player and I didn't want to see him again because he always caused trouble.  Harsh but true.  I blocked him.

A few weeks later and I'm reading the local newspaper for our area which I still have online, and theres a centre page feature article about him and his business and how he MARRIED his "soulmate" and they are doing the business together.  And it gives their ages.  He is 41 and she is 60.  There are photos of them and she doesn't even look young for 60.  He looks young for his age and he is a very good looking guy.  The article also mentions how she came from [a third world country] as an internet bride, how it didn't work out and they got divorced after a few years and she has been alone for 25 years until she met him in 2020 (when we were still together!  He ended it mid way through 2021) and how happy they are together and no longer lonely, etc..  The business is running dance classes in care homes for the elderly.

The article also mentions something about his mother and I think he must have mummy issues because I guess she might be the type who runs around after him.  Its just so weird.  It gave me a real shock to see the man I was in love with coupled up with a woman who looks quite frail and a little bit unwell.

So now I feel that I was with a really strange man who is attracted to old ladies (this is apparently a thing and its called gerophylia).  I mean I know people can be attracted to people of all ages but the dates and his conduct imply he was cheating on me with her, or vice versa.  He was also extremely scathing when I raised the possibility that he might meet someone who lived closer by, he said that all he met were "old women" in a really dismissive tone.  I mean I know 60 isn't that old but this woman does not look great for 60.  And I know its not all about looks but surely the point in getting married is also that you can do things together (we shared a different hobby) and grow old together?

It really is the weirdest thing ever.  I wish I'd never got involved with him.  I feel really disgusted that I was sleeping with this man and really into him at the same time he was lining up a 60 year old to marry?  How do I get rid of this disgusting feeling I have?  It seems clear from the dates that he was sleeping with both of us at the same time (I had an STD test after his abrupt break up call and it was fortunately clear).  What are his motives likely to be here?  Did he really think I was going to accept him back and say it didn't matter he was married, he could come round to my house for dinner and sex on the pretence that he was giving a dance lesson to someone and then scuttle off home before 10pm or something?  I can't believe this has happened to me.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

What are his motives likely to be here?  Did he really think I was going to accept him back and say it didn't matter he was married, he could come round to my house for dinner and sex on the pretence that he was giving a dance lesson to someone and then scuttle off home before 10pm or something?  I can't believe this has happened to me.

The way he suddenly broke up with you was extremely cold, rude and hurtful.  I'm sure he must have been plagued with guilt after the way he treated you so it seems he wanted to meet and apologize to relieve his guilt.  I don't see where he asked for dinner, sex and offered you a dance lesson.

8 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

A couple of months ago, he texted me (he must have unblocked me) suggesting meeting up, and when I didn't reply, he suggested coming round to my place because he "felt bad" about the way things ended. 

This is what happens when you don't block an ex you no longer care for or want to hear from.  I'm sure you've blocked him this time.  

[LaurenJJJ]

38 minutes ago, stillafool said:

The way he suddenly broke up with you was extremely cold, rude and hurtful.  I'm sure he must have been plagued with guilt after the way he treated you so it seems he wanted to meet and apologize to relieve his guilt.  I don't see where he asked for dinner, sex and offered you a dance lesson.

This is what happens when you don't block an ex you no longer care for or want to hear from.  I'm sure you've blocked him this time.  

I don't see how you got that from my post.  He texted me.  I couldn't previously block him because him because he had blocked me.  I didn't notice he had unblocked me - how could I?  

He messaged to say he felt bad and wanted to meet up to talk.  I didn't reply.  He then messaged again to say "Or maybe I could call round...?"  I then told him in no uncertain terms I was no longer interested and blocked him.

I am assuming that his plan was that he would have me as a bit on the side and the only way he could meet me (since I could no longer go round to his as his WIFE was there) would be to come round to mine, where I would end up providing food and sex for him.  That is usually what happens, yes?  I mean its not as if men usually go round to womens' houses to talk about Brexit or the war in Ukraine or their career progression?

I doubt he is plagued with guilt.  I think he's a lying cheat who is out for what he can get.  [ ] 

Edited May 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I doubt he is plagued with guilt.  I think he's a lying cheat who is out for what he can get.

Thank you for clearing things up.  At least you know what he was up to and didn't let yourself fall for his plan.

[ShyViolet]

Maybe he isn't attracted to her, maybe the marriage is for money or something.

[glows]

How often did you meet in person in the two years you were dating? 

It's usually difficult sustaining an ldr. Not impossible but also not feasible for many. I'm sorry this happened.

Edited May 29, 2022 by glows

[IrinaM]

it sounds like he is using her for money and looking for another woman to use for sex.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

 I wish I'd never got involved with him.

On/off and long distance relationships are fraught with drama, headaches and heartaches.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Resist the urge to scan what's going on with him.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local available men.

[Alpacalia]

Maybe she makes better tea than you do.

I have no idea. 

When people connect to their hearts, they just do what they need to do.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

.  Then one day he phoned me up out of the blue and told me he had met someone else and was ending it.  

How long ago was this? He was straight up about ending it and why. After that you block someone.

[vla1120]

Being dumped for a 60 year old woman seems to have done some damage to your self-esteem. You are now aware he was clearly cheating (regardless of her age). That would hit me harder than the other woman's age. Luckily you tested negative for STDs. Who knows? Maybe he married her for money. The best way to get over the disgust is to start dating. Hopefully you'll meet someone closer to you and more honest than he was. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

What are his motives likely to be here?  

Side action. That's apparenlty how he operates. 

9 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

How do I get rid of this disgusting feeling I have?

You'll need to untangle this in order to move past it. Are you disgusted that he cheated? Or more bothered by the fact that it was with someone a lot older than you, and you don't feel good enough? It seems to be a particularly sore point that you feel he was more attracted to an older woman. Would that be accurate, in terms of how you're feeling? 

[LaurenJJJ]

4 hours ago, glows said:

How often did you meet in person in the two years you were dating? 

It's usually difficult sustaining an ldr. Not impossible but also not feasible for many. I'm sorry this happened.

Well, it was a 3 hour drive so we met nearly every weekend.  He either travelled to stay at mine, or I stayed at his.  We holidayed together.  Everything seemed perfectly normal, except the very last time I saw him (apologies for too much information), he tried to do the deed with me 3 times in the space of 12 hours.  And looking back he was a bit secretive and wouldn't go to a certain part of town but that was only in the last 6 months.  Otherwise it was a normal, exclusive relationship.  He seemed really into me and I absolutely adored him.  I felt really secure because he was treating me so well and saying all the right things.  Or at least I think so.  I actually suspect he cheated with another woman looking back, and possibly two, but theres no way of finding out these things for sure.  But anyway, I don't dwell on any of this now, I'm posting because of recent events initiated by him and I'm really quite disgusted by the way he's behaving.  Yesterday I literally woke up to a newspaper article all about how he had met his "soulmate" while we were still together.

[LaurenJJJ]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

On/off and long distance relationships are fraught with drama, headaches and heartaches.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Resist the urge to scan what's going on with him.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local available men.

I know you are trying to be helpful, but I'm seeing someone else.  There is no way I'd do internet dating and most of my friends don't do it now either.  It might still be popular in your locality though.

I didn't mention about having a new boyfriend because I don't measure my worth in being with a man, I am a person in my own right and I woke up yesterday to a newspaper article.  It seems to me that he was trying to keep the fact he was married secret and when I rejected his offer to come round to my place, its possible he retaliated by getting the local newspaper to run an article on his business, where he was able to talk about his "soulmate".  Anyone would find this a bit strange.  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

 I'm seeing someone else. 

Then why obsess about this? It's over,in the past and not worth your energy to get upset over. Focus on your new man.

[LaurenJJJ]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Side action. That's apparenlty how he operates. 

You'll need to untangle this in order to move past it. Are you disgusted that he cheated? Or more bothered by the fact that it was with someone a lot older than you, and you don't feel good enough? It seems to be a particularly sore point that you feel he was more attracted to an older woman. Would that be accurate, in terms of how you're feeling? 

I have a really bad feeling about the way he behaves in general.  It seems that he isn't at all the person he made out to be.  He lied to me, right up until the very last time I saw him.  He was incredibly rude about older women when I suggested he might meet one at one of his classes, and he was terribly scathing about them as an instinctive reaction.  I know he tells lies.  I saw the photos of him and read about how he was with his "soulmate" in this newspaper article yesterday, and his new wife really looks quite frail.  She looks much older than her age. He looked like he was holding her up in the photos.  Either he has a mummy/saviour complex or he is up to something.  I don't trust him at all, based on his behaviour.  Why would I think I'm not good enough?  This man is a liar and a cheat, and very few women would want to be with a man like that willingly.

His wife also comes from a culture that practices polygamy, so theres a possibility that she married him knowing that he would or was cheating.  I'm disgusted that he thinks I would be part of that.  Their marriage is so recent too, for him to be contacting other women.

[LaurenJJJ]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then why obsess about this? It's over,in the past and not worth your energy to get upset over. Focus on your new man.

I'm not obsessing about it.  I'm posting because I saw my ex plastered across a newspaper feature yesterday saying he had met his wife while we were still in a relationship. I'm offloading because bottling stuff up isn't good.

I have an awful lot more going on in my life than focussing on men!  I do however find all of this quite strange and am interested in posters who may have some insight or experienced cheating and ex's trying to reel them back in.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, LaurenJJJ said:

 I saw my ex plastered across a newspaper feature yesterday saying he had met his wife while we were still in a relationship. 

Just shake your head and say "what a Bozo!". There's no rhyme or reason to it. You dodged a bullet that's all.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I saw the photos of him and read about how he was with his "soulmate" in this newspaper article yesterday, and his new wife really looks quite frail.  She looks much older than her age. He looked like he was holding her up in the photos. 

This is really rather mean-sprited of you. 

Who cares what she looks like? How is that relevant? 

[LaurenJJJ]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is really rather mean-sprited of you. 

Who cares what she looks like? How is that relevant? 

Because I'm concerned he is after her money.  What if she has children who will miss out on their inheritance because of this cheating man who has moved in on their mother?  I'm guessing that she had or has a house.  I appreciate that I'm in a unique position to notice this.  And no, theres nothing I can do.  It still doesn't mean I don't have concerns.  Equally of course I'm completely off the mark and a young handsome man who is extremely sporty with an existing girlfriend just can't resist.  If he had been single and struggling to find someone then I would understand it more.  But I'm onto a loser here, anything I say makes me sound like a jealous or obsessive woman.  

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

Because I'm concerned he is after her money.  What if she has children who will miss out on their inheritance because of this cheating man who has moved in on their mother? 

Well, what if?

That would be her problem to figure out. A risk for her to take. I am not sure why you're that concerned about this, especially since you have a boyfriend of your own now. 

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

But I'm onto a loser here, anything I say makes me sound like a jealous or obsessive woman.  

You might not like your ex's new relationship. The point is not about you but about him finding someone who takes on his values and characteristics (even if they're dodgy).

Or maybe she ignores his issues.

Don't forget that your ex didn't leave you for someone else; he left because he didn't believe in your ability to make him happy.

It’s not something you said. Nothing you did. It reflects his character, not your own.

You have the right to be upset, but use it as fuel now to move on.

[LaurenJJJ]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The point is not about you but about him finding someone who takes on his values and characteristics (even if they're dodgy).

That is a very good point. 

Very few women would put up with cheating.  I had no idea he was like that.  I wouldn't have been with him at all if I had.

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

That is a very good point. 

Very few women would put up with cheating.  I had no idea he was like that.  I wouldn't have been with him at all if I had.

Try not to dwell on her looks or her age or where she comes from.

You're just lowering your thinking. 

He was wrong to do that to you no matter how awesome he looked or how old she is.

This is not about ego where you look better so you won't be cheated, because if he can win your heart, he probably can win a lot of others as well.

Let's face it, the guy is a jerk, he didn't even have the courtesy to break up with you and have closure, even if he had issues.

He's clearly no keeper.

[giotto]

You are clearly annoyed that your ex boyfriend not only cheated on you but also with a "granny"... so, your self-esteem has taken a beating. Understandable. I would suggest maybe seeing a therapist?