Dumped for a 60 Year Old Woman

[LaurenJJJ]

7 minutes ago, giotto said:

You are clearly annoyed that your ex boyfriend not only cheated on you but also with a "granny"... so, your self-esteem has taken a beating. Understandable. I would suggest maybe seeing a therapist?

I did actually see a therapist 3 times when it was more raw (a trained psychologist) but its very expensive and I don't see why I should pay my hard earned money because of him any longer.  However she suggested the usual coping mechanisms and is quite in agreement with discussing it for a brief period (for instance putting a limit like 3 days or 7 days or whatever when he does something to upset me - there have been other things he has done since ending it which I have not mentioned here).  I don't want to discuss it with my friends because I'm honestly quite embarrassed at having got in so deep with this guy.  But at any rate, the psychologist did suggest that he may have multiple personality disorder (its called something else now but you get my meaning) and likely did have a personality disorder of some sort and that he knew cheating was wrong but his reasoning was that he was offering someone options at a stage in their life when they might not have that many.  This actually made me feel even more creeped out by him.  She asked to be shown a photograph of them together. 

The psychologist was notably disturbed when I described some of his behaviour, such as the jokes about the filming, his dressing up and his attempts to encourage me to do stuff that was illegal (I didn't of course but e.g. minor shoplifting), and gave me an example of a family friend of hers who ended up being convicted of hording child porn.  Thats not to say that he is of that persuasion (I'm sure he isn't) but thats the way the conversation went.  She was also of the opinion that the cold, abrupt ending with no further contact (at that stage) was deliberate because it meant there was no argument or bad feelings and therefore he could try to draw me back in in the future.  But basically I have much stronger boundaries now and she made me realise that my normally strong boundaries were weaker with him because we grew up in the same small town, I kind of knew his parents and we used to have a lot of mutual friends.  Therefore I overlooked a lot of red flags.  And of course he is a really good looking and charming guy.

Sorry, but you did ask!

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

She asked to be shown a photograph of them together. 

Wait, your therapist wanted to see a photo of your ex and his partner? 

Why? 

[glows]

4 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

Because I'm concerned he is after her money.  What if she has children who will miss out on their inheritance because of this cheating man who has moved in on their mother?  I'm guessing that she had or has a house.  I appreciate that I'm in a unique position to notice this.  And no, theres nothing I can do.  It still doesn't mean I don't have concerns.  Equally of course I'm completely off the mark and a young handsome man who is extremely sporty with an existing girlfriend just can't resist.  If he had been single and struggling to find someone then I would understand it more.  But I'm onto a loser here, anything I say makes me sound like a jealous or obsessive woman.  

It's good you realize this. While it was unnerving seeing him and his new wife in the article, take a step back. When a relationship ends all concern and issues end as it's no longer part of your life. I'd probably have similar thoughts as you (regarding the general question of what the hell is he doing) and, in my opinion, there's nothing unusual about feeling disgusted. You were lied to and cheated on so regardless of how they lived, it's all going to feel disgusting and make your skin crawl. 

Take good care of yourself and carry on with therapy. Don't let any other news get to you. You've seen what he really is and it's all the more reason to be so glad that this chapter is over. Enjoy your time in your current relationship or with the person you're seeing now and shake this off.

Edited May 29, 2022 by glows

[giotto]

1 hour ago, LaurenJJJ said:

Sorry, but you did ask!

Don't be sorry... good to know the details. But 3 sessions are hardly enough.

[FMW]

Try to just focus on how coldly and abruptly he ended your relationship.  Nothing after that point really matters.

A lot of people, including me, have had relationships that we later find out were not what we thought they were with people who were not who we thought they were.  It can certainly make you feel ashamed, disgusted or any number of other feelings.  It's especially unsettling when you are caught off guard, as in this case with the unexpected breakup and then finding out about his marriage out of the blue.  

Maybe he's using his wife for money, or maybe - although you probably find this hard to believe - they really do feel like they are soul mates and have a special connection.  Regardless, it has no reflection on you.  His contacting you was in bad taste, but that's just one more thing to add to the reasons he was not the guy for you.  Focus on that, not on his wife's age, looks, or her children's inheritance.  Don't waste any more energy on thinking about him beyond possibly reviewing your relationship for any possible red flags that you missed so that you'll be less likely to overlook things in future relationships.

He's well behind you, leave him there.  

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I'm not obsessing about it.  I'm posting because I saw my ex plastered across a newspaper feature yesterday saying he had met his wife while we were still in a relationship. I'm offloading because bottling stuff up isn't good.

I have an awful lot more going on in my life than focussing on men!  I do however find all of this quite strange and am interested in posters who may have some insight or experienced cheating and ex's trying to reel them back in.

Did you tell your bf that your ex is trying to reel you back in?  When did your ex last ask to see you?  Frankly what you said about him not even wanting to meet an older woman you are friends with would have put me off and I would have broken up then.  One day you'll be an old woman then what would he have done - kicked you to the curb?  No, just no.  Good he broke up with you because he's not a good person.

Edited May 29, 2022 by stillafool

[LaurenJJJ]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Did you tell your bf that your ex is trying to reel you back in?  When did your ex last ask to see you?  Frankly what you said about him not even wanting to meet an older woman you are friends with would have put me off and I would have broken up then.  One day you'll be an old woman then what would he have done - kicked you to the curb?  No, just no.  Good he broke up with you because he's not a good person.

Oh gawd no I didn't tell him.  It was about 6 weeks ago that the ex texted me.  Yes, when we were together I did ask him what if he met someone else while I wasn't there through his classes, and he instantly replied really dogmatically that they were all old women.  And yes, I think he would have no hesitation on kicking anyone to the curb if they weren't meeting his needs.  I'm guessing this woman runs around after him to some extent and sort of mothers him.  I also remember him saying, before we got together and were chatting in a group of friends, in response to me saying that I instantly lost interest in a guy if he had a girlfriend. that it was really unreasonable and unfair.  Argh so many red flags and I just overlooked them because I thought someone I had mutual friends with and kind of knew was somehow "safe".

But he puts on this act (and I see it is an act now) of being very sincere and caring and gentle.  When it suits him.

I get fed up talking about him, like now I'm shocked because he has done two things recently to attract attention and I'll talk about it on here where I can vent, and with my friends, and then I'm done.  What I'd really like is to be as innocent as I was before, like I really had no idea that someone you were in a relationship with would do those things and lie to your face.  Now I'm cynical and I don't want it to be too obvious to people as it can come across as hard.  Again, thats why I want to vent on here.  I mean I wish I could go back to the person I was before, because this sort of stuff damages you.  No way would I ever cheat or get involved with a cheater, I've seen at first hand how damaging it is to me as a person, never mind those around you who get damaged too.

[LaurenJJJ]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait, your therapist wanted to see a photo of your ex and his partner? 

Why? 

She asked to see a photo of us together and then I mentioned he had a website, so we were looking at it and then she asked if there were any photos of his wife on it.  He teaches like mobility and movement classes in care homes, just a few hours per week, maybe she was concerned he was using them to meet older or vulnerable women.  Maybe she can tell something about a person's character by looking at their photos?  And at that point it also seemed that he was keeping his marriage secret and we were trying to figure out if he was married or not because I had heard a rumour.  

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

his new wife really looks quite frail.  She looks much older than her age.

Why the need to belittle his wife? Does it make you feel better to do so?

Honestly, I understand that you feel betrayed but this is a whole lot of unnecessary drama in my humble opinion. Tell the man that you are not interested and block him - as you have done. Wish him well in his marriage and move on with your own life… The more you think about this and the more you dramatize this, the harder it will become for you to just move on - 

Personally, I would be grateful that I dodged this bullet and look toward a better future…

Edited May 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

The psychologist did suggest that he may have multiple personality disorder and likely did have a personality disorder of some sort.  

She asked to be shown a photograph of them together. 

This doesn’t seem like something a reputable psychologist would do. First of all - there is a HUGE difference between multiple personality disorder and a personality disorder (of which, there are several). And second, she should not be throwing around diagnosis for a man she has never met - never even see a picture of, lol.  I don’t think this is helping you to dial down the drama and move forward with your life. I would be looking for a new counsellor, should you ever decide to go back to counselling in the future. 

Edited May 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[LaurenJJJ]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Why the need to belittle his wife? 

Honestly, I understand that you feel betrayed but this is a whole lot of unnecessary drama in my humble opinion. Tell the man that you are not interested and block him - as you have done. Wish him well in his marriage and move on with your own life… The more you think about this and the more you dramatize this, the harder it will become for you to just move on - 

Personally, I would be grateful that I dodged this bullet and look toward a better future…

These are facts.  It is really disturbing to see someone in a sexual relationship with another person who looks to be from a different generation.  The idea of marriage is to grow old together surely.  Its very, very odd.  I'm not belittling the woman, she clearly is frail and suffering from quite severe arthritis which causes her to be hunched over and not able to stand up straight.  I know the idea that some men have is that all women are jealous and obsessive and create drama and so on, so of course I shouldn't comment and should just shut up.  However, it is disturbing to see.  I am posting because my ex has been featured in a newspaper article which appeared yesterday, which gives dates of when he met his "soulmate" which are clearly when he was supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with me.  I fail to see how that is me creating the drama. 

My OP states that I blocked him when he texted me 6 weeks ago... Since then, he has appeared in a local newspaper wittering on about his relationship.  Its really quite unusual.  I'm certainly not going to unblock him to "wish him well in his marriage".  

[LaurenJJJ]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This doesn’t seem like something a reputable psychologist would do. First of all - there is a HUGE difference between multiple personality disorder and a personality disorder (of which, there are many). And second, she should not be throwing around diagnosis for a man she has never met - never even see a picture of, lol.  I don’t think this is helping you to dial down the drama and move forward with your life. I would be looking for a new counsellor, should you ever decide to go back to counselling in the future. 

She most certainly is a registered psychologist, and she wasn't "throwing around diagnosis".  I am describing, in my non-qualified way, the gist of what she said.  She was disturbed and concerned by his behaviour, not diagnosing him.  She suggested possible explanations.  If you have never been in a relationship with someone who has behaved like this, then you cannot possibly imagine what it is like.  It was like he was mirroring me.  

[BaileyB]

Lauren, I said tell him you are not interested, wish him well, and block him. But, as I said in my post - you have already blocked him… so time to move on. Let this go. 

7 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

It is really disturbing to see someone in a sexual relationship with another person who looks to be from a different generation.  The idea of marriage is to grow old together surely. 

Not really. Read these boards, there are all types. This is not what you would chose for your life. It’s not what I would chose either. My best friend has chosen exactly this kind of relationship for herself - and they are of similar age. He chose this woman and that is his decision. Your opinion of his choice of spouse doesn’t actually matter…

Edited May 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

It was about 6 weeks ago that the ex texted me. 

Are you even sure you're over this man?  The fact that you are now in another relationship and this happened 6 weeks ago it would seem you'd be well past it by now.  I see you've also talked about him and his gf with your therapist to the point that she wanted to see their pictures.  This is why I'm a bit surprised you haven't discussed this with your bf.  I agree with Bailey that there's no need to belittle his wife as it's not her fault and she probably knows nothing about you.  To be disgusted because she is a 60 year old woman is kind of mean.  Would you feel better if he were with a 22 year old?  If you were truly over him you'd be indifferent to what is going on in his life and who he married because you'd be too busy enjoying your new man and what you guys do.   What you saw in the newspaper would make you laugh and be glad he's found love.

Edited May 29, 2022 by stillafool

[LaurenJJJ]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Lauren, I said tell him you are not interested, wish him well, and block him. But, as I said in my post - you have already blocked him… so time to move on. Let this go. 

Not really. Read these boards, there are all types. This is not what you would chose for your life. It’s not what I would chose either. But, he chose this woman and that is his decision. Your opinion of his choice of spouse doesn’t actually matter…

I'm sorry my opinion isn't good enough for you, but that is what these boards are here for.  Everyone's opinion is as valid as anyone else's.  We are all human beings with feelings, and I wouldn't dream of contacting any of the parties involved to denigrate them.  As I have pointed out, that is why I am venting on here.  I'd rather do it this way than bottle it up.  I think thats probably why most people post on here.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Would you feel better if he were with a 22 year old? 

Likely not. 

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you were truly over him you'd be indifferent to what is going on in his life and who he married because you'd be too busy enjoying your new man and what you guys do.

Exactly this!!

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

She was disturbed and concerned by his behaviour, not diagnosing him

That's really odd that a trained professional would be disturbed by someone's choice as a love interest.  Surely she knows people with extreme age differences have been marrying for centuries.  It's really nothing new.

[LaurenJJJ]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you even sure you're over this man?  The fact that you are now in another relationship and this happened 6 weeks ago it would seem you'd be well past it by now.  I see you've also talked about him and his gf with your therapist to the point that she wanted to see their pictures.  This is why I'm a bit surprised you haven't discussed this with your bf.  I agree with Bailey that there's no need to belittle his wife as it's not her fault and she probably knows nothing about you.  To be disgusted because she is a 60 year old woman is kind of mean.  Would you feel better if he were with a 22 year old?  If you were truly over him you'd be indifferent to what is going on in his life and who he married because you'd be too busy enjoying your new man and what you guys do.   What you saw in the newspaper would make you laugh and be glad he's found love.

Am I over him?  Well, he contacted me asking to come round and I turned him down.  If he told me he was leaving his wife for me and I was now his soulmate instead of her, I would still turn him down.  Without even having to think about it.  But I think I'm damaged from what happened and it might be that I never return to being my former self.  Its possible I might feel better about it if he was with someone I felt he was in a genuine relationship with that didn't involve cheating.  I think I could feel happy for him if he was with someone he could maybe have children with (if thats what he wants).  I just don't trust him.  Love is generally exclusive and doesn't involve cheating on your wife to be for over a year (as he was with me judging by the dates given in the article).  I think I'm morally pre-disposed to monogamy. 

You are right, the article was so flowery and contained so much irrelevant detail (that he must have asked to be put in) it is quite funny.  Unfortunately a couple of former mutual friends have also seen it and the pictures in it and have sent it to me with similarly shocked comments.  

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I'm sorry my opinion isn't good enough for you, but that is what these boards are here for.

Not what I’m saying in any way. 

You are entitled to your opinion, and you can pass judgment on them if you so chose. That said, their relationship is their relationship and baring the fact that it appears to have conflicted with the time that you were dating this man - their lives don’t involve you. You now know that he is a man of poor character - good for you for blocking him. Now, it’s time to work on letting go of this and moving forward. That’s all. The more that you talk about this the longer it will stay with you. That’s what I learned in counselling - the more you think about it and play back what has happened with all the emotion that this stirs up - the more deeply it becomes wired in your brain in a rather unhealthy and almost traumatic way. My sincere advice to you - time to let this go and think about something more positive. All the best.

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, LaurenJJJ said:

But I think I'm damaged from what happened and it might be that I never return to being my former self.  

So instead of focusing on his wife, shift your focus on how you can prevent that from NOT happening.

Your mind is ruminating and obsessing at this stage.

Really, are you going to allow his wife to exert such a powerful influence over you?

Why?

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

so many red flags and I just overlooked them because I thought someone I had mutual friends with and kind of knew was somehow "safe".

Don't beat yourself up. You're certainly not  the first person blinded by a pretty (or in this case handsome) face. Just realize you dodged someone who sounds like a gigolo and user.

Edited May 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[LaurenJJJ]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

So instead of focusing on his wife, shift your focus on how you can prevent that from NOT happening.

Your mind is ruminating and obsessing at this stage.

Really, are you going to allow his wife to exert such a powerful influence over you?

Why?

As I said amongst my now quite many replies, this is something encouraged by my psychologist - to vent somewhere with a time limit and then to get fed up with it.

But every time I reply to a question on here, its taken as me being not over him, or whatever.  I can't believe that someone suggested I should message him to congratulate him on his wedding.  The guy was trying to pretend he was single only 6 weeks ago!

People do all sorts of crazy things when relationships end.  I haven't done anything crazy and I never will.  This is literally as far as it goes for me.  The guy is deliberately doing things to attract my attention, he is aware now that I have rejected him because he is married and all I am doing is venting about it.  This is really quite in perspective.

I wonder how other people would react if they woke up to a newspaper article about their cheating ex?  Honestly, it is kind of funny in a black humour sort of way.  I think I better not reply any more because its being interpreted to suit a particular narrative now.  Many thanks to those who have contributed.

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Your mind is ruminating and obsessing at this stage.

And catastophizing.

You may never return to your former self - you may actually find yourself better off because of this. You certainly dodged a bullet - now, you can find the man with whom you are truly meant to spend your life. And, you will do so with the wisdom and experience that you will not ignore future red flags, you will not stay with a man who does not respect and value you, and with the knowledge that your partner was unfaithful/the relationship ended — and you survived! Life went on, you found someone else to date… 

Edited May 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

As I said amongst my now quite many replies, this is something encouraged by my psychologist - to vent somewhere with a time limit and then to get fed up with it.

But every time I reply to a question on here, its taken as me being not over him, or whatever.  I can't believe that someone suggested I should message him to congratulate him on his wedding.  The guy was trying to pretend he was single only 6 weeks ago!

People do all sorts of crazy things when relationships end.  I haven't done anything crazy and I never will.  This is literally as far as it goes for me.  The guy is deliberately doing things to attract my attention, he is aware now that I have rejected him because he is married and all I am doing is venting about it.  This is really quite in perspective.

I wonder how other people would react if they woke up to a newspaper article about their cheating ex?  Honestly, it is kind of funny in a black humour sort of way.  I think I better not reply any more because its being interpreted to suit a particular narrative now.  Many thanks to those who have contributed.

Please continue posting.

I'm just trying to crack your brain open enough to make sense of what's going on around you.

Everything you feel is perfectly normal.

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

Its possible I might feel better about it if he was with someone I felt he was in a genuine relationship with that didn't involve cheating.  I think I could feel happy for him if he was with someone he could maybe have children with (if thats what he wants).  I just don't trust him.  Love is generally exclusive and doesn't involve cheating on your wife to be for over a year (as he was with me judging by the dates given in the article).

^^These statements are why I asked if you're sure you're over him.  I don't know anyone who actually cares who their exes chose to marry or if they as a couple want children or have them.  You don't have to trust him anymore.  Thank God that is now his wife's choice.  Be grateful you now have someone else who is what you want.