Cheating for entire marriage

[Anonymous888]

4 weeks ago, I received an anonymous text that my husband was on a dating app, including screenshots. Over the course of two days, I forced him to admit that the accusations were true - and that he had been cheating on me sporadically for 5 years of our 10+ year relationship (including the entire 4 years we had been married). 

I had him move out after the first day and largely went no contact. He is desperate to “save the marriage”, and pushed back when I’ve said I need time before I am ready to engage on any discussion of whether I have any interest in recovery (although he has gotten somewhat better over the last week or two).

We are both doing individual counseling, and he seems to be making an effort. But it’s all intellectual - he says it’s 100% his fault, but I don’t really sense remorse. He’s made an effort to listen to how I feel, but there have also been a few calls where he has been manipulative (e.g., saying he feels angry because it feels like I’m not trying to save the marriage, pushing very hard to keep living together because “research says” it’s the right thing to do).

We are about to start joint counseling for me to understand what he did (and his understanding of why). I’m working to accept reality, but it’s difficult to given the degree of compartmentalization on his side - he told me he loved me nearly every day of our relationship. And while it wasn’t perfect, there were zero signs anything like this could happen (likewise, none of my friends or his friends had any idea). I loved/trusted him completely, and 10 years went up in smoke in 2 days.

Any advice? I’m going to talk to his friends to see if I can catch any more lies re: what he’s told them vs. me (seems like he left some stuff out when he told them - and they like me). I’m also going to hear out what he says he did any why (while protecting myself in case he tries to blame me).

But at the end of the day I’m trying to understand if he is a sociopath/narcissist, person with an addiction that spiraled out of control, or just a generally shitty person. And if there is anything he could say that would indicate I should even consider a recovery attempt. 

[glows]

He cheated on you during your marriage and longer. What other lies do you need to catch him in? It’s a slippery slope and a tunnel to oblivion. Stop any impulses to catch him in more lies and instead start asking yourself whether you can continue to trust someone after the things you do already know. 

[Wiseman2]

Very sorry this is happening. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about the philandering. Get tested for STDs.

Do you have children? Do you own the house? Check your credit cards, credit scores and bank accounts. What you happened upon is the tip of the iceberg.

Privately and confidentiality talk to an attorney about your options in divorce. Do not tell him. Do not threaten divorce 

"Remorse" is a tool in the chester's toolbox. It's crocodile tears and victimhood. 

He is a serial cheater. Not a poor misunderstood soul. He's not sorry he stabbed you in the back, he's sorry he got caught. Your assessment is correct about him being a turd. 

Edited May 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Anonymous888]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

He cheated on you during your marriage and longer. What other lies do you need to catch him in? It’s a slippery slope and a tunnel to oblivion. Stop any impulses to catch him in more lies and instead start asking yourself whether you can continue to trust someone after the things you do already know. 

It’s less about catching lies, and more that I’m trying to make sense of a stupid, unimaginable, situation. I want some sort of fact-based narrative so I can get some sort of closure and reduce emotional cycling (e.g., “maybe it wasn’t that bad”).

I think he will share partial truths. And so if I can add these to what he has told his friends (plus their insights about his past behavior) it feels like I might at least get some insight. 

I also want to understand if there were any signs I might have missed to help prevent this happening in the future.

[Anonymous888]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Very sorry this is happening. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about the philandering. Get tested for STDs.

Do you have children? Do you own the house? Check your credit cards, credit scores and bank accounts. What you happened upon is the tip of the iceberg.

Privately and confidentiality talk to an attorney about your options in divorce. Do not tell him. Do not threaten divorce 

"Remorse" is a tool in the chester's toolbox. It's crocodile tears and victimhood. 

He is a serial cheater. Not a poor misunderstood soul. He's not sorry he stabbed you in the back, he's sorry he got caught. Your assessment is correct about him being a turd. 

I’m pretty lucky. We were trying for kids but none yet (thank god). Mostly separate assets, renters.

 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Anonymous888 said:

I’m pretty lucky. We were trying for kids but none yet (thank god). Mostly separate assets, renters.

 

Excellent. Why live a life with a snake when you can be free to build a new life with an honest decent man who loves and respects you?

"Maybe it wasn't that bad" is cognitive dissonance. It's your mind trying to rationalize because the truth is so awful. You'll snap out of it. Consult an attorney.

Edited May 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

34 minutes ago, Anonymous888 said:

It’s less about catching lies, and more that I’m trying to make sense of a stupid, unimaginable, situation. I want some sort of fact-based narrative so I can get some sort of closure and reduce emotional cycling (e.g., “maybe it wasn’t that bad”).

I think he will share partial truths. And so if I can add these to what he has told his friends (plus their insights about his past behavior) it feels like I might at least get some insight. 

I also want to understand if there were any signs I might have missed to help prevent this happening in the future.

It’s your mind searching for reasons in an unimaginable situation that you never expected to be in. I understand. Don’t go too far down that road as you know already what he’s capable of. As much as you may not realize it yet, you already know everything you need to know. 

Find counselling for yourself and start leaning on the appropriate professionals for support, not your husband or his friends. The ground was just shaken out from under you and you’re going to have to relearn how to think and live independent of what he says. 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Anonymous888 said:

I think he will share partial truths. And so if I can add these to what he has told his friends (plus their insights about his past behavior) it feels like I might at least get some insight. 

You are right. Most likely, he'll tell you as little as possible moving forward - just enough to satisfy your curiosity, but never the full truth, so don't count on getting much insight. Also, if I were you, I wouldn't involve his friends. This is between you and him. Even though they like you, they may protect him (so you could still be getting half-truths.) I can almost guarantee they won't like being put in the middle.

Luckily, you do not have children or property to worry about. I know it's hard to move on from 10 years together, but you deserve better and you're not going to get it from him. 

[Anonymous888]

12 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

You are right. Most likely, he'll tell you as little as possible moving forward - just enough to satisfy your curiosity, but never the full truth, so don't count on getting much insight. Also, if I were you, I wouldn't involve his friends. This is between you and him. Even though they like you, they may protect him (so you could still be getting half-truths.) I can almost guarantee they won't like being put in the middle.

Luckily, you do not have children or property to worry about. I know it's hard to move on from 10 years together, but you deserve better and you're not going to get it from him. 

Thanks - that’s a good point about his friends not wanting to be put in the middle.

Reason I was thinking about it is one of my friends talked to one of his friends tonight. Apparently his friend got a very streamlined version of the story (and is pretty angry / doesn’t want to talk to him anymore). So was thinking I could compare notes. But maybe not worth it.

[vla1120]

Just now, Anonymous888 said:

Thanks - that’s a good point about his friends not wanting to be put in the middle.

Reason I was thinking about it is one of my friends talked to one of his friends tonight. Apparently his friend got a very streamlined version of the story (and is pretty angry / doesn’t want to talk to him anymore). So was thinking I could compare notes. But maybe not worth it.

I'm only going by my own experience. My best friend called me one night to ask me to lie for her when her husband called me to ask me questions. Apparently, she had used me as an alibi one night when she came home late. I was mad at her for using me as an alibi (putting me in precarious situation), and when he called, I tried to tell him I didn't know anything and I didn't want to get in the middle of it. My friendship with both of them ended over that situation. I am of the mindset that if you have to talk to his friends to try to get to the truth, you already know it's not a good situation, unfortunately.

[Stret]

2 hours ago, Anonymous888 said:

I also want to understand if there were any signs I might have missed to help prevent this happening in the future.

Very sorry you are going through it. But my advice is to break it off. 

If you stay with him, you will constantly question his honesty: his words, feelings, his whereabouts... It is a way to become deeply unhappy, with all your energy going into thinking about these things. 

Marriage counselling rarely ever saved a marriage, from what you can read on this forum, and it only gives some delusional belief that things can get better. If I were you, I'd rather take the pain of going through the divorce and emotional turmoil to give yourself a chance to meet someone that you can be happy and relaxed with some day and who will love and respect you enough not to cheat on you. 

It was not a one night mistake (ie something you can work through and maybe understand), but a long term plan to keep you in dark about who he really is and give himself a happy and exciting life. You cannot understand that because he is not like you and you are not like him. This is all you need to understand. 

[Anonymous888]

5 hours ago, Stret said:

Very sorry you are going through it. But my advice is to break it off. 

If you stay with him, you will constantly question his honesty: his words, feelings, his whereabouts... It is a way to become deeply unhappy, with all your energy going into thinking about these things. 

Marriage counselling rarely ever saved a marriage, from what you can read on this forum, and it only gives some delusional belief that things can get better. If I were you, I'd rather take the pain of going through the divorce and emotional turmoil to give yourself a chance to meet someone that you can be happy and relaxed with some day and who will love and respect you enough not to cheat on you. 

It was not a one night mistake (ie something you can work through and maybe understand), but a long term plan to keep you in dark about who he really is and give himself a happy and exciting life. You cannot understand that because he is not like you and you are not like him. This is all you need to understand. 

Thanks - this is super helpful. That there are some (many) parts of his behavior that I will likely never be able to understand.

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Anonymous888 said:

He is desperate to “save the marriage”

What marriage? He has been engaged in other relationships the entire time you have been married. 

No, I would not consider reconciliation with this man. I’m sorry.

[mark clemson]

On 5/28/2022 at 11:36 PM, Anonymous888 said:

But at the end of the day I’m trying to understand if he is a sociopath/narcissist, person with an addiction that spiraled out of control, or just a generally shitty person. And if there is anything he could say that would indicate I should even consider a recovery attempt. 

Any advice?

Given the amount of negativity you seem to feel I suspect that efforts  to reconcile would be unlikely to go well.

While I don't recommend that people divorce, I think it's worth considering whether, despite what your husband thinks the wants, ending the marriage might be setting both of you free...

[Starswillshine]

Given he has cheated the entire marriage, I don't think there is a marriage worth saving. You never even had a proper one. Maybe, over time, it is something you could move on from, but I would think given this was multiple affairs, you would constantly be looking over your shoulder. I know my heart and mind constantly fought, and I even tried bargaining with myself. Well, maybe, I can just forget it happens, don't look at anything, just pretend that when he is gone, he is behaving himself. But hard as I tried, I just couldn't. Divorcing was the best thing that happened for me. Every one has a different story and a different path, but I will say, don't fear life without a cheating man. I would say every single person is better off without a cheating spouse. I faced my darkest days due to my ex-husband's affairs, and I promised myself I would never allow someone to make me feel that way and be able to have my admiration and love that I had given him. 

[JRabbit]

On 5/29/2022 at 2:36 AM, Anonymous888 said:

I’m going to talk to his friends to see if I can catch any more lies

From experience, their friends will lie straight to your face. Even the ones you thought were your friends, too.

[Johnjohnson2017]

You were married to him but he wasn't married to you. He cheated on you because he didn't respect you. He wanted sex with someone else and didn't care about how you felt about it. He will eventually cheat on you again if you decide to stay. His desire for sex with another woman is stronger that his desire to stay faithful to you.

[AngryGromit]

On 5/29/2022 at 3:08 AM, Anonymous888 said:

I’m pretty lucky. We were trying for kids but none yet (thank god). Mostly separate assets, renters.

 

This makes thinks simpler, Just move out, get your own place or him get his. How can you trust him after this?  This isn't just one affair cause he felt unfulfilled in your relationship, This is a pattern of how many woman can I have sex with. Your the backup, If he doesn't land a date with that how chick on the dating site, well there always the good old reliable Wife to settle for to have sex tonight.  

Edited June 9, 2022 by AngryGromit

[AngryGromit]

On 5/29/2022 at 4:43 AM, Anonymous888 said:

Reason I was thinking about it is one of my friends talked to one of his friends tonight. Apparently his friend got a very streamlined version of the story (and is pretty angry / doesn’t want to talk to him anymore). So was thinking I could compare notes. But maybe not worth it.

Not sure what the point here is,  With careful interrogations of all his friends and co-workers you might be able to proven beyond a doubt he had sex with 27 women during your relationship when he only admitted to 24. Ah! Another lie. 

 

 

[glows]

On 5/29/2022 at 1:43 AM, Anonymous888 said:

Thanks - that’s a good point about his friends not wanting to be put in the middle.

Reason I was thinking about it is one of my friends talked to one of his friends tonight. Apparently his friend got a very streamlined version of the story (and is pretty angry / doesn’t want to talk to him anymore). So was thinking I could compare notes. But maybe not worth it.

No, I don’t think it’s worth it. Don’t hurt yourself more over the details. You know he cheats and don’t sense any remorse. Face that. Deal with the fact that you have a spouse who cheats. 

[stillafool]

On 5/29/2022 at 2:36 AM, Anonymous888 said:

He is desperate to “save the marriage”, and pushed back when I’ve said I need time

At this point it really doesn't matter what he wants, does it?  What do you want?  You know you are married to a cheater who was cheatiing before and after you married him.  Will he stop?  Probably for a little while until that itch hits him again and then he'll go searching.  Do not involve his friends or have your friends talk to them.  It's inappropriate and no one wants to be put in the middle of someone's marriage problems.  You know who he is and what he's done and you don't feel any remorse coming from him and probably won't.  So now just ask yourself is this what you want for your life.  You are blessed not to have children with this man so there's really nothing keeping you there but fear or change.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Your situations sounds almost exactly like mine. I couldn’t stay with it, esp. after all the crap came to light and I realized he was still lying. Marriage counseling could be a rough first meeting but definitely go, if only to hopefully learn some new things and gain more clarity on everything. 
I am not a person who can live with a liar and a cheat, and while I too felt that we had a great 11 yrs (5 married) relationship, with distance I also started to realize that it wasn’t as good as I realized. My ex is not a bad person but his ability to lie is a no go…and I realized with more space now we really were not connecting on a deep level for some time. We were together a lot and we said I love you daily too, and that ultimately means nothing. Actions are what matter.

Good luck and know you will be fine on you own (maybe / probably happier) if that is your decision,

Edited June 10, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anonymous, guess you are on the horns of a dilemma. A lot of folk have offered you their viewpoints backed by their own experiences and I am sure all of it is useful and valuable in addressing your problem. I will only offer a very simple and straightforward solution. Your subconscious mind has already formed an opinion about what you should do. What you have to do is some deep introspection to enable you to get in touch with your subconscious and things will become crystal clear to you!  Your husband is someone who has been betraying you and disrespecting you and your marriage for the full length of your marriage. His past behaviour shows that he is unlikely to change his colours much like a leopard cannot change it's spots. You will be best served by separating from him. Wish you all the very best for your future. Warm regards.