My husband is addicted to cheating

[TheDeadGreen]

I've been with my husband since high school. We were long distance for 6 years, lived together for 2 years and we've been married for 5 years.

When we first started dating we were always talking and then after about half a year he began to speak to me less. I started feeling like he was being unfaithful. Throughout high school in a long distance relationship, I noticed he would add a bunch of random girls on social media and from posts from other girls I could tell they had been flirting. I began to confront him and he gave me his password to monitor so I would believe him. He swore he was faithful and of course I couldn't find anything. 13 years later he finally admits he flirted with so many girls nonstop. He let a girl rest her head on him on the bus because he didn't want to be rude. 🙄 He would tell this girl about our relationship problems. A guy once punched him because he found out my husband (bf at the time) made out with his gf. He denied this ever happened and said they were just flirting and people saw. I do not believe him at all. He said the most he ever allowed was his best friend's sister got on him and started giving him a lap dance. She was high and he said it was really awkward and uncomfortable. He said she would come up to him constantly and run her hands all over him and he would do nothing to stop it. He expects me to believe that nothing more happened.

I once found in his browsing history that he was looking up sex workers in his area. He claims he never went through with it and just found it erotic.

We've moved on since and I believed he was being honest with me for so long and feel so stupid now. I noticed he was talking to me less this last year and was constantly online. He had been flirting with so many women but one in particular for 9 months. He never mentioned any of this of course.

He realizes now that I'm fed up, since I'm seriously considering breaking up with him. I've been looking at my finances to leave him. I broke a lot of his favorite s***. (I've never done anything like that before.) 

On top of all of this, I'm now 30 and just won a lifetime restraining order against my mom and took custody of my kid sister who my husband and I have been raising together. My sister and I were brutally abused our entire childhoods. Our family abandoned us after we took our mom to court. So we're all alone. My husband's known about the hell I've gone through since day 1. I'm a high suicide risk and he's always known this. I'm not going to kill myself right now since my sister is my responsibility, but I do have plans now to do it maybe a decade or two later. I really want to ensure my sister will be set. I feel horrible to do this to her but life has always been pain. 

On top of this, his family is not in my life. I've cut them off because they've been racist towards me and my sister. My husband has been supportive of the cutoff but rarely stands up for us. This has led me to question the relationship as well. He knows this.

My husband like my sister and I was sexually abused as a child and my husband and I believe he's addicted to women. When he first confided in me I pushed him to get help but you can't lead a horse to water. I wanted to be as supportive as possible. It's clear to us now that he has been in denial and rationalizing his actions. He admits this and says he wants to do everything not to lose me and my sister. He says he will read up on getting better and see a therapist. I didn't ask for any of this. He sounds serious but after 13 years of lies, I don't know how I can believe him. 

I told him if I did give him a chance he would have to defend us when his family does and says racist s***. And he can't cheat again or it's over.

I say this but IDK if I can give him another chance. I guess I want people's thoughts on my options. Maybe there's something I haven't thought of. Or is this the end as I suspect?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, TheDeadGreen said:

Or is this the end as I suspect?

This is the end. Or it certainly should be. 

It sounds like he has disrespected you throughout your entire relationship and has never been invested the way you are. There is no point continuing a marriage with someone like this, because he isn't going to change. I would speak to attorney privately and start getting your ducks in a row for a separation and eventual divorce. You won't find happiness with him. 

I am sorry for all you have been through. Have you got friends around you? Anyone who can lend some emotional support? 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, TheDeadGreen said:

  I'm a high suicide risk and he's always known this. I'm not going to kill myself right now, but I do have plans now to do it.

.I've cut them off because they've been racist towards me and my sister. 

Sorry this is happening. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

Suicidal ideation is a medical emergency. Call a free mental health hotline to talk to someone who will listen and help you get the care you need.

You need to divorce your husband. Do you work? Do you receive financial help for your sister? 

Being in the same household as a racist liar and cheater is not good for you or your sister.

Go to social services for assistance with housing, food, healthcare, employment assistance and extricating yourself from your husband.

 

[Will am I]

It seems to me that the problems you experience in your marriage are mere reflections of deeper problems in the emotional and psychologica area. I believe you and your husband should focus on those. Mostly through individual counseling. And given your self admitted suicide risk (which I find very brave of you to admit) there may be a need for medication too.

As you write, your husband and you both come from a history as abuse victims. That impacts people deeply and  often lifelong. The fact that you were even able to build a stable relationship (2 years living together + 5 years marriage) is a great accomplishment against that background.

Another positive element I would like to point out is that you seem to become more self aware, sensitive and respectful of your boundaries lately. It's the very reason that you opened this topic and consider divorce. But on the psychological level I think it must be counted as progress. Awareness and respect for boundaries are notorious weak spots in abuse victims.

 

I recognize that there are several elements in your story that would prompt other people to divorce. But I think the history of abuse currently casts too many clouds around pretty much everything. Marriage and divorce desicions should be based on your plans and expectations for the future and it does not look like you have that image very clear. Your best decision is completely dependent on your path to healing and your husband's. You seem to be making progress. If he can keep up, you may have a future together. If he can't, there comes a moment when you have to let go.

 

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, Will am I said:

 

 

I recognize that there are several elements in your story that would prompt other people to divorce. But I think the history of abuse currently casts too many clouds around pretty much everything. Marriage and divorce decisions should be based on your plans and expectations for the future and it does not look like you have that image very clear. Your best decision is completely dependent on your path to healing and your husband's. You seem to be making progress. If he can keep up, you may have a future together. If he can't, there comes a moment when you have to let go.

 

This 100%^^^^^^