Partners Flirting

[TheCasual]

We and partner have been together 2 and half years. She is late thirties and I'm mid thirties. 

I love her with all my heart and more. 

The only thing the bothers me is her flirting and dancing on nights. 

A few months ago she got quite touchy  with another man on a night out. I was really upset about. His friend said to me I need to rain her in.

On Friday we where out with our friends and the same thing happened. Dancing and touchy with another man

Now I'm doubts about what she does when I'm not there.

She has made me feel I'm the one in the wrong. 

 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, TheCasual said:

 His friend said to me I need to rain her in.

On Friday we where out with our friends and the same thing happened. Dancing and touchy with another man

Do you live together? Where are these dancing and touching episodes happening? Clubs? Bars? Weddings? Parties?

Are you both drinking too much during these dancing and touching situations?

Are you the jealous type?  What does your friend mean by rein her in? 

Why aren't you dancing with her? If you can't handle this type of socializing, don't go out to bars and clubs this much. 

Why don't you two take some dance classes together so she's not up dancing while you are sitting there deciding with your friends how to "rein her in"?

Edited May 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[salparadise]

Feeling like you need to reign her in is a big red flag. When you say, "she has made me feel I'm the one in the wrong," does that mean you've called it to her attention and got some type of pushback? It that's the case, you've run out of options. If she doesn't believe it's inappropriate, that's who you've got and it's not going to change... she likes how it feels, and how it makes you feel doesn't matter. Some women just need sexualized attention from various men, and it's not something you can edit because it makes you feel sick to the stomach. Had you not noticed this proclivity in the two and a half years prior?

[glows]

She doesn’t respect you. My guess is flirting and dancing is her outlet and your relationship bears too many resentments between the both of you. 

Some do need validation of self through flirting or similar interactions. There’s a possibility she doesn’t feel good around you or doesn’t feel good about herself. 

Talk with her and don’t come at it like anyone has to “rein” anyone else in. That’s ridiculously patronizing. 

[TheCasual]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? Where are these dancing and touching episodes happening? Clubs? Bars? Weddings? Parties?

Are you both drinking too much during these dancing and touching situations?

Are you the jealous type?  What does your friend mean by rein her in? 

Why aren't you dancing with her? If you can't handle this type of socializing, don't go out to bars and clubs this much. 

Why don't you two take some dance classes together so she's not up dancing while you are sitting there deciding with your friends how to "rein her in"?

Yeah we live together. 

In bars and clubs. 

We're drunk, yes.

I'm genuinely laid back and quite carefree. 

I'm not big dancer. But I do try and dance with her.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, TheCasual said:

Yeah we live together. In bars and clubs. We're drunk, yes.I'm genuinely laid back and quite carefree. I'm not big dancer. But I do try and dance with her.

Ok, she likes to dance, so? If you're going to sit at the bar and drink she can't enjoy herself? You were both drunk, so your friend needs to stay out of your business.

[TheCasual]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, she likes to dance, so? If you're going to sit at the bar and drink she can't enjoy herself? You were both drunk, so your friend needs to stay out of your business.

Maybe I'm old fastioned but when you enter a relationship the flirting and dancing stops. I have no issues with her going and enjoying herseld.

She said at the beginning of our relationship that the only reason she used to go out and dance and flirt with other men was because she was so unhappy with him.

She won't answer me when I ask her 'how she would feel if I went danced and flirted with other girls?'

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, TheCasual said:

She won't answer me when I ask her 'how she would feel if I went danced and flirted with other girls?'

Don't ask her this?  Dance and flirt with other girls.  It's better to show her how it feels  then she'll stop.

[Acacia98]

35 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Don't ask her this?  Dance and flirt with other girls.  It's better to show her how it feels  then she'll stop.

😆 I wouldn't do this myself, and I sure wouldn't advise anyone to do it. But I've seen others do it, and I have observed that it very effectively lets the other person know how it feels to be in your shoes when they pretend not to get it.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, TheCasual said:

Maybe I'm old fastioned but when you enter a relationship the flirting and dancing stops. She won't answer me when I ask her 'how she would feel if I went danced and flirted with other girls?'

She didn't answer because it's a loaded question. This relationship doesn't seem to have a future since your definitions and conditions are too disparate.

Many do not share your view that people are not allowed to dance with anyone once you live together. Secure people just don't freak out over that.

If she were draped all over dudes all night drunk, then go home and end it.

[Alpacalia]

Seeing your girlfriend dancing with another man is really interesting, because it kind of looks innocent from a distance. 

Like, she didn't offer him a smooch, or confess her secret feelings. There were no major boundaries crossed on her part. But she smudged the line a little. She did put something out there. Maybe just a little bit of sexual energy, or a promise to touch. It's hard to recommend one action. It is extreme to dump someone for dancing with another male. Even starting a fight over it is extreme.

Having raised it with her, she thinks you are wrong and has resorted to ignoring you when you try to discuss it with her.

You're allowed to be uneasy while you sit there and watch her dance with other men.

Those feelings are valid, and if you express them honestly in a non-accusatory manner, she "should" be at least willing to listen and understand.

It's your relationship. Some couples don't mind, others do.

But if your girlfriend keeps insisting that she doesn't care about respecting your feelings, take her words seriously.

Edited May 30, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Uruktopi]

Short answer, drop her.

Long one, drop her now.

[mark clemson]

There are those who are bothered by this and those who aren't. If it bothers you enough to be an issue (and after all you did post here), you would seem to have 2 main choices:

1. End things

2. "Rein her in" as suggested - this could take a variety of forms and from being "controlling" (not recommended), to open and frank discussion about it bothering you, to more discreet and subtle things that steer her away from these activities without broaching the issue directly.

Some might view some of the many options under 2 as manipulative - and indeed that's probably true. But after all there's more than one way to accomplish a goal in life, and specifics may make it worthwhile in the end. For example, if you take up saving up your "booze money" for trips together it's possible you'll bond more and she'll never miss the dancing. Maybe.

If she really enjoys flirting/male attention she will probably find it one way or another. However the specific form of this (AND her mental state at the time) might make a big difference in whether anything "of significance to you" happens.

[basil67]

Reining a person in refers to limiting or controlling them and is completely unacceptable.  

It sounds like you've already spoken to her about this and she has no intention of changing.  So the question is now: is this something you can comfortably accept or is it a dealbreaker? 

[poppyfields]

On 5/30/2022 at 2:02 AM, TheCasual said:

The only thing the bothers me is her flirting and dancing on nights. 

On Friday we where out with our friends and the same thing happened. Dancing and touchy with another man

I bolded the most relevant parts.  Don't care how much she likes to dance, flirting with and inappropriately touching other men while dancing in a club, drunk, is flat out disrespectful when in an exclusive relationship.

I don't suggest doing same to show her how it feels, those types of passive/aggressive "t*t for tat" games rarely work, and typically makes things worse. 

"Reining her in" will have same result. It's controlling and I don't suspect she'd take too well to it. 

We teach people how to treat us, through our actions.  

In this case, the appropriate action when you see her flirting and inappropriately touching and dancing with other men while out with you is to LEAVE.  

Just walk out and leave her and whomever she's behaving inappropriately with to it.

She's not stupid, she knows it's disrespectful, apparently she doesn't care.

If this were me and my boyfriend was doing this, it would be an absolute deal breaker.  

I'm fairly understanding about most things but have zero tolerance for this type of disrespect.

It's a clear indication to me that he does not value either me or our relationship.

Big fat next. 

 

Edited May 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[flitzanu]

define "being touchy" while dancing?

most dances require some form of touching unless you're 9 years old and stand in front of each other and sway back and forth during slow songs.

 

[Alpacalia]

Yes.

How did this dance go? 

Forbidden lambada or was it like folk dancing?

Edited May 31, 2022 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

Respectfully, essentially all human behavior is "reined in" to at least some degree.

We have laws, traditions, mores, rules, and unconscious expectations. This forum has moderators (and it needs them).

Your relationship with a SO isn't really any different - it's just the type and style of reining in.

Relationships are not on/off - be exactly how I need you to be or I leave. We influence our partner in various ways to do or not do certain things all the time.

Just as in all other human interactions.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

define "being touchy" while dancing? most dances require some form of touching unless you're 9 years old and stand in front of each other and sway back and forth during slow songs.

Yes, exactly. Dancing is a social activity that involves touching. Are we talking about tango, dirty dancing, what exactly?

In the early 1800s the waltz was considered "scandalous" because it involved more 'touching' than the prim and prudish minuet.

[Uruktopi]

19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I bolded the most relevant parts.  Don't care how much she likes to dance, flirting with and inappropriately touching other men while dancing in a club, drunk, is flat out disrespectful when in an exclusive relationship.

I don't suggest doing same to show her how it feels, those types of passive/aggressive "t*t for tat" games rarely work, and typically makes things worse. 

"Reining her in" will have same result. It's controlling and I don't suspect she'd take too well to it. 

We teach people how to treat us, through our actions.  

In this case, the appropriate action when you see her flirting and inappropriately touching and dancing with other men while out with you is to LEAVE.  

Just walk out and leave her and whomever she's behaving inappropriately with to it.

She's not stupid, she knows it's disrespectful, apparently she doesn't care.

If this were me and my boyfriend was doing this, it would be an absolute deal breaker.  

I'm fairly understanding about most things but have zero tolerance for this type of disrespect.

It's a clear indication to me that he does not value either me or our relationship.

Big fat next. 

 

THIS

[Alpacalia]

An occasional little jealousy is fine, but overdoing it isn't. Your relationship is a two-way street, you want to seek the level of trust and confidence in your relationship that allows you to be confident and certain that she will never cross the line.

Could it be that you felt that other men have no business touching your girlfriend?

The troublesome part is that if it's receptive to that, I would say that you are perfectly justified in feeling jealous. This is because it's obvious she is displaying signals of interest toward other men.

All of us are prone to unintentionally flirting from time to time.

Unless, of course, your girlfriend seems to be flirting with everyone she meets, then there is a good chance that you will have a problem.

It is really helpful to know why something happens to make you more likely to spot the signs that may indicate the presence of a flirty girlfriend because you know what to look for in her behavior. You could probably assume, though, that eliminating her tactile and flirtatious characteristics would mean removing an important aspect of who she is.

It is, however, possible to inform her about the fact that others may perceive the situation differently than she does. Yes, you can also suggest for her to tone it down a bit. It's likely she won't respond as easily or as readily as you would like. She may perceive you are attacking her personality in this situation. In other words, be careful how you frame this conversation, making sure that it's about you and not her. You will have a greater chance of getting her attention if you do this.

Here, I believe the difference is that if you felt uncomfortable and said so you would "hope" that when she's out she understands her boundaries and gives you the same leeway.

You can't have a girlfriend who crosses your boundaries regularly and tells you tough luck.

[Just A Man]

Women who love to dance love to dance and be happy.   A lot of them might seem flirty because they are usually having fun and "letting loose" some of their energy.  There are women who could happily dance and maybe seem flirty with guys they have no interest in.

 

The boundaries talk might be in order, but don't make her feel untrusted unless her actions warrant it.  And don't stop her from just having some fun if it's a release for her.

[basil67]

Yes, the flirting should stop when you're in a relationship, but depending on the style of dancing, it shouldn't have to stop.  

So I guess I'm also curious about the type of dancing going on.  I love to dance, but when clubbing, there is no need to touch anyone.  And I can dance with my female friends or even dance on my own without engaging with anyone.   I see no reason that someone in a relationship should stop doing this.

[Uruktopi]

There is no shame in recognizing that some people are not mutually compatible as partners.

Trust...trust is about to what is still not happening (or what you imagine you don´t kow).

To say that someone should trust is sometimes a priori saying that what already happens should be acceptable as it may not "lead further".

But also sometimes what is known is enough.

Some things are negotiable, some others should not.

 

[Alpacalia]

It is a bit disappointing that the original poster has unsuccessfully explained how she flirts or what kind of dancing is involved.

In certain parts of Utah, for instance, making prolonged eye contact with a girl you met in church would be tantamount to sending her a wee-wee pic.

Is she dancing with men and groping, crotch grinding or being sexually explicit, with drunk and horny guys in a nightclub? Yes, that is definitely crossing the line. Is she is out in the open, talking about her private parts and her favorite positions, whichever? Yes, that is totally inappropriate. 

No matter how you look at it, her actions are affecting the relationship between you. 

What's more telling is this:

On 5/30/2022 at 7:58 AM, TheCasual said:

She said at the beginning of our relationship that the only reason she used to go out and dance and flirt with other men was because she was so unhappy with him.