My partner has feelings for someone else

[HuffleOutOfPuff]

My partner and I have been together for just over a year and live together. We both want the same things, marriage, family etc. He has had feelings for a coworker for a long time, longer than we have known one another, but she has never been single in the time he has known her so he has not had the opportunity to act on them. She has recently separated from her partner of 6 years and has confessed that she too has feelings for him and has done for a while and expressed that she was gutted when we got together.

 

When coming to the decision to end her relationship he has been a great support to her as she was to him when his previous relationship ended and they have become increasingly close. I recently found out that they have been having secret conversations on messenger and while not all the messages were intimate, some were and to the point where she was telling him that she'd be mastubating and thinking of him. He tells me that he didn't encourage or initiate this and never responded in kind but similarly he did not shut this down. I had a feeling that there was something going on and I expressed this to him and he denied that there was anything happening. I only found out about the secret conversation as he was showing me something she had sent in their normal chat and when he backed out of it I saw the second conversation. As secret conversations delete themselves I have no way to know if he is telling the truth about what was said or if he was indeed the initiater.

 

He tells me that he loves me and he has stopped the secret conversations and told her straight that he wouldn't end our relationship to be with her. He tells me he is happy with our relationship and wants the future we had started planning still. I don't know how to trust him again. We had said from the beginning that communication was key and honesty was better for all involved but he has kept this from me claiming he did so as he believed it would be taken the wrong way and would only hurt me or her.

 

I know he is conflicted about what he wants and appreciate that the feelings he has have lingered longer than our relationship has been established and he moved on on the basis that she was never going to be available. He also knows that she 100% does not want children and he 100% does. I can't help feeling like a consolation prize and second choice and that he actually wants to be with her even though he tells me that he wants to be with me. Any advice? 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, HuffleOutOfPuff said:

My partner and I have been together for just over a year and live together. I can't help feeling like a consolation prize and second choice

Sorry this is happening. Whose place is it? Do you co-own or co-lease? Why did you move in together so soon?

You feel like second best because he makes you feel like that. They are sexting and he did not shut it down so he's already cheating.

He seems more concerned with her feelings than yours, so while he talks the talk about futures and checking the boxes, that's not  how he's acting. Stop and reflect if this makes you happy or you are overinvested and rationalizing.

[NuevoYorko]

Why did you get into a serious relationship with a person who was deeply engaged in an emotional relationship already?  That seems like a strange choice.   

[Just A Man]

On 5/30/2022 at 11:05 AM, HuffleOutOfPuff said:

 

 

I know he is conflicted about what he wants and appreciate that the feelings he has have lingered longer than our relationship has been established and he moved on on the basis that she was never going to be available. He also knows that she 100% does not want children and he 100% does. I can't help feeling like a consolation prize and second choice and that he actually wants to be with her even though he tells me that he wants to be with me. Any advice? 

 

Though he has obviously crossed some boundaries concerning your trust and what is appropriate, it seems he has made his choice.  From what you've said she has made her self available to him, yet he is with you.

 

If he wanted to be with her, it seems she has been more than willing and he probably would be with her.  But he is not.

 

Deal with the issues that bother you, but don't second guess his decision unless you have doubts yourself, and don't think of yourself lesser because he made mistakes.

[glows]

On 5/30/2022 at 8:05 AM, HuffleOutOfPuff said:

My partner and I have been together for just over a year and live together. We both want the same things, marriage, family etc. He has had feelings for a coworker for a long time, longer than we have known one another, but she has never been single in the time he has known her so he has not had the opportunity to act on them. She has recently separated from her partner of 6 years and has confessed that she too has feelings for him and has done for a while and expressed that she was gutted when we got together.

 

When coming to the decision to end her relationship he has been a great support to her as she was to him when his previous relationship ended and they have become increasingly close. I recently found out that they have been having secret conversations on messenger and while not all the messages were intimate, some were and to the point where she was telling him that she'd be mastubating and thinking of him. He tells me that he didn't encourage or initiate this and never responded in kind but similarly he did not shut this down. I had a feeling that there was something going on and I expressed this to him and he denied that there was anything happening. I only found out about the secret conversation as he was showing me something she had sent in their normal chat and when he backed out of it I saw the second conversation. As secret conversations delete themselves I have no way to know if he is telling the truth about what was said or if he was indeed the initiater.

 

He tells me that he loves me and he has stopped the secret conversations and told her straight that he wouldn't end our relationship to be with her. He tells me he is happy with our relationship and wants the future we had started planning still. I don't know how to trust him again. We had said from the beginning that communication was key and honesty was better for all involved but he has kept this from me claiming he did so as he believed it would be taken the wrong way and would only hurt me or her.

 

I know he is conflicted about what he wants and appreciate that the feelings he has have lingered longer than our relationship has been established and he moved on on the basis that she was never going to be available. He also knows that she 100% does not want children and he 100% does. I can't help feeling like a consolation prize and second choice and that he actually wants to be with her even though he tells me that he wants to be with me. Any advice? 

He has a close relationship with a woman who also feels the same way about him. Please do not marry this man and reconsider anything having to do with him. 

To say that you feel like a consolation prize suggests that your self-esteem is in the gutter and you’re hurt beyond belief. This is not the way to start a life with someone. Why did you both move in so soon together at only a year of dating? 

Think of the future of your kids if you both have children and the possibility of a father who’s going behind your back or still has feelings for someone else. Go back to square one and start asking yourself what the bare minimums are in requirements that you need in a stable long term relationship. In my opinion you’ve set a very low bar. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/30/2022 at 5:05 PM, HuffleOutOfPuff said:

he has kept this from me claiming he did so as he believed it would be taken the wrong way and would only hurt me or her.

No. Just no.

The only one he should be concerned about hurting is you. Her feelings should not factor into this, but the fact that he himself admitted they do...well, that says it all. And make no mistake, he hid this because he was trying to save his own skin. Not because he was trying to avoid hurting you. 

He is attached to someone who isn't you, and whether or not he cuts off contact, it won't change the fact that this his heart and mind are not fully present with you. They are also co-workers so she's going to be around whether or not they stop texting each other. Regardless, you can't have a truly healthy relationship with someone who's got another woman taking up rent in his life this way. I am sorry OP, but I would not continue this relationship. He isn't anywhere near as invested as you are, and it shows. If he were really into you, none of this would be happening. 

This won't end well if you decide to stick around. 

[smackie9]

On 5/30/2022 at 8:05 AM, HuffleOutOfPuff said:

 

 

When coming to the decision to end her relationship he has been a great support to her as she was to him when his previous relationship ended and they have become increasingly close. I recently found out that they have been having secret conversations on messenger and while not all the messages were intimate, some were and to the point where she was telling him that she'd be masturbating and thinking of him. He tells me that he didn't encourage or initiate this and never responded in kind but similarly he did not shut this down.

This is emotional cheating. He's not taking any kind of accountability for it, and glazes over it with "I love you" to pacify you. Kick him to the curb because he's been testing the waters behind your back.