Wanting to cut contact completely with ex- AP

[SS2855]

Hello- I’m about 8 months out of a 3 year affair. I won’t rehash all the details here but essentially the break off was mutual. No D-day, he moved, work colleagues started to get suspicious and most of all I was just losing my mind with the push pull, confusion from his words vs. action, guilt, lack of self worth, etc. it was all too unbearable. Fast forward and while I was in a devastated heartbreak for awhile, I’ve since felt good I’ve been able to move on and put it in the past (great therapist). I’m now also trying to finalize my divorce and just after years of hiding try to live as my true self and do what’s best for my well-being. I’ve accepted that while I felt like I loved this person at the time, it was very much distorted because of the brokenness of my own marriage.
With all that said, my AP will still reach out to check in, catch up etc. as if we’re just able to bounce back into a friendship like the three years of the A never happened. While maybe this has made the ending a little easier, the closer I feel at peace, the more I start to feel resentment to the AP. Or maybe anger (not all justified) but anger of feeling used the last few years and somewhat easily discarded (he moved and it all felt very hurtful- he never said he would end his marriage to be together so while that was  mutually “understood”, he’d pepper me with his feelings of undying love and being heartsick over me, while literally the next day sending me a link to a house he (they) were looking at purchasing in another state.

At the time I felt like I loved this man, but now after the fog I feel like I don’t even like him. I don’t initiate contact at all but he will reach out about once a week. It’s been nice hearing from him but now I feel like I don’t want to anymore and I want to just have him not contact me. Just too many negative feelings for this person that I’m sort of just realizing have been festering. He sees our ending as like “ugh I’m so sad it didn’t work out but at least we have our friendship!” while I don’t want any of it because it makes me feel like I’ve okay’d the way he’s treated me (and yes I know I allowed it). I get sad to think he’d be fully out of my life, but I also can’t hide the feeling anymore of disdain for him. 
Anyone been here? 

[glows]

This is not uncommon with break ups, regardless of the nature of the break up. You're finding that fog being lifted as you've said and the reality of that person is not a reality you'd rather live with. Actually it's difficult to imagine how you could respect someone or see eye to eye. 

Unfortunately he's still living whatever reality he's living feeling the need to contact women outside of his marriage for companionship or romance or other purposes. His reality hasn't changed but yours has. It's only natural to experience dissonance. 

Instead of harbouring resentment towards a person who seems unchanged and still stuck in old ways, simply remove him and let him go. Say your goodbyes and start living your life on your own terms using the new tools you have with your therapist and moving forward.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

At the time I felt like I loved this man, but now after the fog I feel like I don’t even like him

That is superb insight. Yes why even like or respect someone like this? You're correct about the fog lifting.

Now you are free to find a decent honest man who cares about you.

[BaileyB]

What is stopping you for establishing a healthy boundary for yourself? There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “our relationship has ended and I feel like it’s time for me to move forward. That’s difficult to do that if we are still communicating, so I hope you understand when I say that I won’t be emailing/responding to your emails anymore. I wish you well.”

Whether he likes it or not, really doesn’t matter. There is nothing wrong with making this decision - many relationships end at some point and people move on with their lives. You are not a bad person because you don’t want to be friends with your affair partner. You are actually making a healthy decision for yourself - that should be celebrated!! There is no need to explain or feel badly about that. 

Edited May 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[Luna66star]

He contacts you once a week which is not going to help you in the healing process and move on.  I understand you've known this man for a long time and cutting ties is not so easy.

Everything has been for his benefit and zero for you.  Great insight on seeing him for what he is - a manipulator and cheater.  Contacting you once a week means he's still trying to control you but it's extremely cruel.  He'd like to continue having access to you because he cares and/or wants the side benefits.  It's going to hold you back though.

Having been in a similar situation, it's not at all easy to go cold turkey.  It seemed impossible to me.  This is how you may possibly feel too.  I lingered on for 2 years not bring able to let go.  The pain (trauma bond) kept me wavering back and forth between I was just expecting too much for myself in this world and I deserve better. Deep down I didn't think I deserved anything much.

I hope you can eventually break completely free of this toxic situation!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Or maybe anger (not all justified) but anger of feeling used the last few years and somewhat easily discarded (he moved and it all felt very hurtful- he never said he would end his marriage to be together so while that was  mutually “understood”, he’d pepper me with his feelings of undying love and being heartsick over me, while literally the next day sending me a link to a house he (they) were looking at purchasing in another state.

I'm sorry this happened between you two and you got hurt but it's also important to look at your role in the affair as well so as not to make the same choice again.  You both used each other and you both were cheaters.  It's just things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to and now you're feeling like the victim.  You aren't.  Even now after your above statement you still choose to take his calls and will not block him from contact.  He's not the blame for that.

Edited May 31, 2022 by stillafool

[mark clemson]

Just tell him to stop contacting you. Since he doesn't seem mean or "crazy" or anything, consider letting him down gently, but firmly. If he reduces to once/6 months or something, just each time he does text remind him you asked him stop and that whatever he may be looking for you're completely done, so he needs to seek elsewhere and/or find other ways to improve his life.

[SS2855]

Thanks all. I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 weeks and about three weeks ago I finally got the courage to delete the private messaging app we used to communicate for the years we were in the affair. We hadn’t used that channel in a few months (just regular text as no need to hide the conversation since we’re just back to being “friends” again) but at first I couldn’t bring myself to delete the app, I suppose because I was hanging on to this hope, maybe subconsciously, that he’d reach out and tell me how much he missed and loved me. I didn’t want to fully close the door on the possibility.  But I did it. Finally. It was difficult as that app was like a breath of oxygen every time I would see a notification from him. I think back to how I’d almost wait sometimes to open the message, like it was a Christmas present and I wanted to soak in the excitement of just having it there before I opened it. Like a crazy person.
 Anyhow the last couple exchanges with him I was short so I’m thinking he’s taken the hint. I miss him terribly now like it’s a semi- fresh wound, but I also know I would never go back to that place of where I was. So the only way is to move forward and hope all of it in time becomes a very distant memory.

 

Edited June 14, 2022 by SS2855

[Will am I]

I understand your feelings. I understand how every message from your AP could make your heart jump.

But the situation was slowly killing you inbetween these moments of thrill and joy. It was brave of you to step out of the affair. 

May you find love with someone who is really available for you and willing to dedicate himself to you. You deserve it. It's not fair that you should be the dedicated one while your partner is in another relationship and only able to feed you crumbs of love and attention.

[Myabee]

On 6/14/2022 at 1:48 AM, SS2855 said:

Thanks all. I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 weeks and about three weeks ago I finally got the courage to delete the private messaging app we used to communicate for the years we were in the affair.

Good for you!!!!😊

[Arrangrl62]

On 5/30/2022 at 6:13 PM, SS2855 said:

Hello- I’m about 8 months out of a 3 year affair. I won’t rehash all the details here but essentially the break off was mutual. No D-day, he moved, work colleagues started to get suspicious and most of all I was just losing my mind with the push pull, confusion from his words vs. action, guilt, lack of self worth, etc. it was all too unbearable. Fast forward and while I was in a devastated heartbreak for awhile, I’ve since felt good I’ve been able to move on and put it in the past (great therapist). I’m now also trying to finalize my divorce and just after years of hiding try to live as my true self and do what’s best for my well-being. I’ve accepted that while I felt like I loved this person at the time, it was very much distorted because of the brokenness of my own marriage.
With all that said, my AP will still reach out to check in, catch up etc. as if we’re just able to bounce back into a friendship like the three years of the A never happened. While maybe this has made the ending a little easier, the closer I feel at peace, the more I start to feel resentment to the AP. Or maybe anger (not all justified) but anger of feeling used the last few years and somewhat easily discarded (he moved and it all felt very hurtful- he never said he would end his marriage to be together so while that was  mutually “understood”, he’d pepper me with his feelings of undying love and being heartsick over me, while literally the next day sending me a link to a house he (they) were looking at purchasing in another state.

At the time I felt like I loved this man, but now after the fog I feel like I don’t even like him. I don’t initiate contact at all but he will reach out about once a week. It’s been nice hearing from him but now I feel like I don’t want to anymore and I want to just have him not contact me. Just too many negative feelings for this person that I’m sort of just realizing have been festering. He sees our ending as like “ugh I’m so sad it didn’t work out but at least we have our friendship!” while I don’t want any of it because it makes me feel like I’ve okay’d the way he’s treated me (and yes I know I allowed it). I get sad to think he’d be fully out of my life, but I also can’t hide the feeling anymore of disdain for him. 
Anyone been here? 

Just cut him dead .