Rebuilding a relationship after partner has cheated

[TomH98]

Hi guys,

 

I've never done this before, however this is something I'm really struggling with and I want to know others opinions and reassure myself I am not alone.

 

I've been with my fiance for 8 years. We have 2 amazing children, own our own home. In my eyes, everything was fine in our relationship (not perfect, but what relationship is?!). Our son was born 6 months ago, she has post natal depression. Around 3 months ago I found some pictures on my fiance's phone which she had admitted to sending to our neighbour (he lives in the flat above us). After finding this out, my heart broke. When I got home that evening she admitted she had slept with him twice and then proceeded to tell me she had not been happy for quite some time (unknown to me) and that she had feelings for him too. After talking, we (or so I thought) decided to try to move on from this and rebuild our relationship and work out our issues. During this time though, I caught her multiple times still texting and seeing him and trying to hide it from me, I work during the day and he works from home so she has ample time to see him without me knowing. Again, this destroyed me.

I must admit this is when I broke down and emotionally lost it. I had gone from being very happy with my fiance of 8 years to suddenly finding out she loves someone else and has slept with him, and doesn't even have the respect or love for me to stop it with him. After finally realising it wasn't going to work, I gave up with trying to sort itmout and we announced our relationship was over. The main thing on my mind now and killing me was the thought of not being with my children all the time.

Anyway a couple days later she began talking to me. A few hours later she is then in tears and wants us to try again and says she has severely messed up. (This is where I am a little embarrassed with myself as I know what I should have done, however I really do love her and the thought of not being with her kills me). We came out of the convo having decided we would 'see what happens'. 

 

Now - first off as I said, I know what I should have said and done after how she treated !e, however I really can't imagine life without her and my children. However, as a 'man' in my mind it makes me feel weak.

Second - it's now been 4 weeks (ish) and I am really struggling. We as a couple are now getting along very well again. We have put the house up for sale and fingers crossed will soon be moving to a fresh start away from our neighbour.. however - the neighbour she cheated on me with is what is making me struggle. Being right upstairs I see him all the time, he seems to always be sat in his window everytime I get home or is always right outside our window smoking. Everytime I see him I beat myself up wondering what was wrong with me for her to go to him, how is he better than me? Is it because he is 6 years younger? A fair bit thinner than me? Am I really that bad?

 

The other thing he has been doing is 'decorating' the outside area for my partner.. leaving flowers, drawings in chalk on the ground.. she has thrown them away as have I but more keep coming back.

I do defiantly believe she now has not had contact with him since deciding she messed up. I believe he now resents me for this too. 

Everytime I think we are starting to move on from the situation, I see him and it brings all those feelings right back. I have confronted him several times regarding this, fighting the urge not to hurt him too. 

 

What can I do? How can I get over this? I'm acting like I am fine around everyone, but inside my mind I am a total mess! Sorry if some of this didn't make much sense.. my mind is going crazy trying to write this all down.

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, TomH98 said:

Our son was born 6 months ago, she has post natal depression. Around 3 months ago I found some pictures on my fiance's phone which she had admitted to sending to our neighbour (he lives in the flat above us). she admitted she had slept with him twice and then proceeded to tell me she had not been happy for quite some time (unknown to me) and that she had feelings for him too.

Sorry this happened. Step back and reflect rather than trying to fix everything. Get a paternity test done.

[glows]

You've decided to stay with her and you're both moving so look forward to leaving this area. I wouldn't be able to continue living with, sleeping beside or around a person who cheated. Congratulations on your baby boy. This would have been a happy time if not for what's going on. What are her reasons for not being happy for some time?

Speak with a lawyer about your options and try not to deal with this alone even if to collect info. You likely don't have all the answers alone and will need more information regarding custody of your kids and moving on if you can't work on the marriage. 

And while you're getting the paternity test of the baby done also look into paternity test for the older child and get STD tested.

[understand50]

OK, it looks like she is trying to do he right thing and not seeing or contacting her AP.  Good.  The fact that he lives so close is the problem.  Of course, I would go see him and tell him to knock it off, and if he continues there would be consequences.  May not be the right thing for you to do, but I would let the a*shole know you will not stand aside.  Your fiance, can also help by making it clear to this [man] that she is not interested in him.  I am sure she has, but he will not take a hint.  So you both must gut it out.  You need to realize she has picked you, and you have also decided to give her another chance.   Don't let him mess this up.  OF course, if she slips, and she may, that would be another issue.

[]

Edited June 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[Bittersweetie]

I was a MW and my H and I reconciled after d-day. A couple of months after d-day we changed apartments and that really helped (MM had been to the previous apartment). I'm glad you are moving, I think that could help.

Your GF should be doing everything in her power to make you feel safe. She should be transparent. She should be doing a lot of self-reflection and therapy to figure out why she thought what she was doing was okay. Sweeping everything under the rug will not help...facing things is very difficult but healthier in the long run.

Finally, when I had my affair, it had nothing to do with the AP being "better" in any way than my husband. My affair was due to my own issues that I was handling in a very poor and hurtful manner. Do not compare yourself to AP because the affair is a result of your GF's choices within herself and have nothing to do with you. We all go through rough times, but an affair is not a healthy coping mechanism. Good luck.

Edited June 1, 2022 by Bittersweetie

[mark clemson]

If the xAP is hanging around inappropriately and doing weird things, you might see if you can get cops or a lawyer involved. Depending on the specific laws in your jurisdiction, he may be doing something illegal that you could press charges for or have a lawyer write a cease-and-desist or similar letter. However, that would require familiarity with your local laws and any he might have violated (including potentially cyber-stalking laws if he attempts to contact your wife electronically).

[Will am I]

 

On 5/30/2022 at 9:25 PM, TomH98 said:

Our son was born 6 months ago, she has post natal depression. Around 3 months ago I found some pictures on my fiance's phone which she had admitted to sending to our neighbour (he lives in the flat above us). After finding this out, my heart broke. When I got home that evening she admitted she had slept with him twice and then proceeded to tell me she had not been happy for quite some time (unknown to me) and that she had feelings for him too.

I read that a lot on Loveshack. Cheating women being associated with depression.

Was the port partum depression clinically diagnosed? Or is this you judging that she must be depressed (since she's been having these dark moods and seeming withdrawn from the relationship)?

If your answer is B, please reconsider. When a woman has strong ambivalent feelings (such as wanting to be with her neighbour but not wanting to give up her home and family) this may cause these behavioural patterns. Dark moods can be caused by feelings of guilt and being stuck in a place where you don't want to be. Not everything is in the medical spectrum.

 

On 5/30/2022 at 9:25 PM, TomH98 said:

After talking, we (or so I thought) decided to try to move on from this and rebuild our relationship and work out our issues. During this time though, I caught her multiple times still texting and seeing him and trying to hide it from me, I work during the day and he works from home so she has ample time to see him without me knowing. Again, this destroyed me.

I must admit this is when I broke down and emotionally lost it. I had gone from being very happy with my fiance of 8 years to suddenly finding out she loves someone else and has slept with him, and doesn't even have the respect or love for me to stop it with him.

There's something odd here. You're perfectly happy, and at the same time she's so unhappy that she gets into an affair and risks her very home. Women with small children tend to be very protective of their homes and the security of their children. It appears to me that you have not been on the same frequency for quite a while.

 

On 5/30/2022 at 9:25 PM, TomH98 said:

After finally realising it wasn't going to work, I gave up with trying to sort it out and we announced our relationship was over. The main thing on my mind now and killing me was the thought of not being with my children all the time.

Anyway a couple days later she began talking to me. A few hours later she is then in tears and wants us to try again and says she has severely messed up. (This is where I am a little embarrassed with myself as I know what I should have done, however I really do love her and the thought of not being with her kills me). We came out of the convo having decided we would 'see what happens'. 

Don't be embarrassed, but be very conscious about your actions.

There is no weakness in choosing to reconcile, forgive your partner and be a husband to your partner and a father to your children. Actually I believe it would be a very strong and courageous thing to do.

But: make sure that you don't get into a specific role pattern where you're mister nice guy and other men are mister exciting guy. I assume you don't want to be babysitting while she's out getting it on with other men. Reconcile only if you believe that she's truly fallen back in love with you. Reconcile because the both of you desire to be together. Do not reconcile because you miss her company and the childrens'.

On 5/30/2022 at 9:25 PM, TomH98 said:

Now - first off as I said, I know what I should have said and done after how she treated !e, however I really can't imagine life without her and my children. However, as a 'man' in my mind it makes me feel weak.

Second - it's now been 4 weeks (ish) and I am really struggling. We as a couple are now getting along very well again. We have put the house up for sale and fingers crossed will soon be moving to a fresh start away from our neighbour.. however - the neighbour she cheated on me with is what is making me struggle. Being right upstairs I see him all the time, he seems to always be sat in his window everytime I get home or is always right outside our window smoking. Everytime I see him I beat myself up wondering what was wrong with me for her to go to him, how is he better than me? Is it because he is 6 years younger? A fair bit thinner than me? Am I really that bad?

I don't thing a six year age gap would matter that much. And most women I know are quite tolerant of their partners' weight. As that her judging you, or you judging you?

Build some self esteem. Go to a gym if that helps you.

[Woggle]

To me you can't. It's like trying to glue back a vase after it has shattered. It might be somewhat functional and standing but it is never the same and the cracks will always be there.

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Woggle said:

To me you can't. It's like trying to glue back a vase after it has shattered. It might be somewhat functional and standing but it is never the same and the cracks will always be there.

Good analogy Wog.  I don't like cracked vases because they won't hold water.

[Bryanp]

I am just curious but if the roles were reversed and you were having sex behind your wife's back and putting her health at risk for STD's; would she have been so forgiving as you have been?

You and she both need to get tested for STD's and check for a paternity test as previously mentioned. If she said that they only had sex twice then you know you should increase that by a couple of times more. Waywards always give a much lower number when they confess.

[LeoEnki]

I was with my fiancé for 8 years, she emotionally cheated and I finished it. Betrayal is unforgivable. Dont take her back or become "friends". You will let yourself down. She doesnt care, because if she did she wouldnt have betrayed you.

[DKT3]

No one can predict.  Its so complicated.  First, one needs to know exactly what they are looking to get past. 

Its likely if she says they slept together twice its many many times more.  Could be for as long as he has been your neighbor.  Could be it predated the conception of the child, right now you probably just don't know.

Worse case scenario is you get two three years down the road and be hit with a different reality. 

If you feel you need to try, then you probably should.  One thing is very important,  look out for yourself.  Her motivations are a guess at this point.  Also is very likely that her unhappiness started when she became attracted to this other guy, that happens far more often then cheaters are willing to admit.

Play it like a team of three (you and the two kids), if she is serious she will find a way to make you feel comfortable including her.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tom, your fiancee has shown what she is capable of and that deep down she is a flawed person. Unless you are able to close your mind to the complete disrespect that she has shown you, your relationship and your family( children) it will be nigh impossible for you to overcome this complete breakdown in your relationship. You will constantly be looking over your shoulder to check on her and that sort of policing is hardly likely to engender any trust or rebuilding of genuine feelings between the two of you.

I would suggest that you do what DKT3 did when his wine cheated on him. Go for a divorce while at the same time holding out hope for her to get back with you in the future after she has addressed the issues which plague her and led her to cheat on you. She needs to get to an individual counsellor and sort out the kinks in her personality and address her weaknesses which led to this fiasco. Once you are certain she has worked on herself and is likely to be a good partner for you in the future, you can start dating her again and maybe get back with her. Reconciling while she has not addressed her problems will only lead to future disaster. Warm wishes.

Edited June 12, 2022 by Just a Guy
Correction of errors.