MediocreMelon Posted May 31, 2022 Posted May 31, 2022 I've always told myself I would never date online, because I find it uncomfortable and not knowing if you're being cat-fished. Long story short, I had been friends with this guy for a little while (gaming online - not a dating site / no intention of dating), but as time went along we got to know each other and he asked if he'd like to date, so I explained that I'm not comfortable with it and told him straight from day one that at minimum we would need to FaceTime etc. With time and him trusting me, he told me about his mental illnesses and how he's been scarred from previous relationship experiences when going on cam (and I'm not referring to any dirty/intimate experiences, just experiences of severe bullying and shaming), so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and allowed him to come around to it in his own time, knowing how distressed he gets when the topic is brought up... almost 2 years down the line, countless of opportunities and warnings about how uncomfortable I am speaking with someone I don't even know, not wanting to commit to anything because I don't really know who he is. Our friendship/relationship is severely crumbling, arguments left right and centre and it's because I know deep down, it's because of me closing off, my guard rises higher and higher and he's not getting it. He doesn't understand, or doesn't want to understand, turn a blind eye to the fact that all our issues revolve around FaceTime. I've gotten to know him since we call regularly, some parts make sense, some others don't. When we're good, we're good. But I have my own personal stressors in life, and it's taking a mental toll on me... What do I do?
Wiseman2 Posted May 31, 2022 Posted May 31, 2022 16 minutes ago, MediocreMelon said: he told me about his mental illnesses and how he's been scarred from previous relationship experiences when going on cam ... almost 2 years down the line, Sorry this is happening. Yes there are misrepresentations in OLD and catfishing. Married people, etc. There's different types of catfish, and this one seems to be a big game marlin. You could be talking to a married guy, someone on parole, a homeless guy, whatever. You need to tell him it's over and block and delete him. Try not to get overinvolved in people you don't know and haven't met. 1
glows Posted May 31, 2022 Posted May 31, 2022 What would you advise a friend if she was in the same position? You haven't met him, let alone seen him on camera. What is the appeal towards someone like this? Do you feel sympathy for him or his present issues? I strongly suggest not playing the same game anymore, detaching yourself from this situation and start forming relationships with people in person. Engage with your local community and find support and friendships to balance out any friendships you make online. Know that dating like this isn't dating of any sort but more of a cyber fantasy. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Let go of this person. 1
Trail Blazer Posted June 1, 2022 Posted June 1, 2022 This has been going on for two years!? Yeah, okay.... umm, my advice? Tell him to GAGF. Sitting from afar, I can tell you that it's way past the time that the juice isn't worth the squeeze. Time to move on.
SumGuy Posted June 1, 2022 Posted June 1, 2022 18 hours ago, MediocreMelon said: I've always told myself I would never date online, because I find it uncomfortable and not knowing if you're being cat-fished. Long story short, I had been friends with this guy for a little while (gaming online - not a dating site / no intention of dating), but as time went along we got to know each other and he asked if he'd like to date, so I explained that I'm not comfortable with it and told him straight from day one that at minimum we would need to FaceTime etc. With time and him trusting me, he told me about his mental illnesses and how he's been scarred from previous relationship experiences when going on cam (and I'm not referring to any dirty/intimate experiences, just experiences of severe bullying and shaming), so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and allowed him to come around to it in his own time, knowing how distressed he gets when the topic is brought up... almost 2 years down the line, countless of opportunities and warnings about how uncomfortable I am speaking with someone I don't even know, not wanting to commit to anything because I don't really know who he is. Our friendship/relationship is severely crumbling, arguments left right and centre and it's because I know deep down, it's because of me closing off, my guard rises higher and higher and he's not getting it. He doesn't understand, or doesn't want to understand, turn a blind eye to the fact that all our issues revolve around FaceTime. I've gotten to know him since we call regularly, some parts make sense, some others don't. When we're good, we're good. But I have my own personal stressors in life, and it's taking a mental toll on me... What do I do? To be honest I really don't get it. FaceTime is the hill you want to die on? Why not just meet in person (don't make into a date) in some place you feel comfortable in, nothing says you can't pick the place, set up to have a friend call you or text you so you have a quick out, etc. I can get he doesn't understand as I would not pick up that it really all comes down to FaceTime...then again if someone was argumentative for no apparent reasonable reason in the get to know you phase it would be a hard next for me. Personally suggest you let him know, it sounds like it could be traumatizing him more with the arguments, don't keep him hanging on and expect him to "break up" with you if FaceTime is a hard requirement for you before meeting someone.
smackie9 Posted June 1, 2022 Posted June 1, 2022 Well as soon as someone says "mental issues" "I'm damaged from past relationships" I would cut that off pretty quick. And that's when you need to learn to set boundaries for yourself when it comes to guys like this. Saying you will meet on FT is an open invitation to bad things to someone like him. Even if you talk to someone, they are still a stranger. Like someone posted they can be many things you can't see over text or FT....easily be a criminal, married, someone on parole, an abuser, etc. Giving into peoples suggestions/demands means you need to be more aware, not to give them the benefit of a doubt. For me I would have said that I was seeing someone and call it a day. 2
Author MediocreMelon Posted June 1, 2022 Author Posted June 1, 2022 1 hour ago, SumGuy said: Why not just meet in person (don't make into a date) We already tried that - after much deliberation because of the distance between us (6hrs) - it really didn't end well. We arranged to meet up in a city, meet at said time, said place in the town, and (apparently) he was having such a meltdown/anxiety panic and didn't want to bring himself to actually come see me. I was trying my best to calm the situation (via message, he didn't want to call), but he wouldn't let me in. I felt really vulnerable being in the middle of a city all alone. I tried wandering around to find him but I couldn't see him, yet later on he admitted he saw me... Yes...reading the comments here already has me thinking in hindsight. I do feel a bit stupid, I'm not going to lie
SumGuy Posted June 2, 2022 Posted June 2, 2022 On 6/1/2022 at 12:00 PM, MediocreMelon said: We already tried that - after much deliberation because of the distance between us (6hrs) - it really didn't end well.... Fair enough. I consider 6 hours to be a recipe for disaster...unless one has a private plane, then it's flight hours! Yah agree time to end the romantic potential aspect, but if being pen pals is fun why not.
mortensorchid Posted June 3, 2022 Posted June 3, 2022 Sorry this has happened to you. You are not alone in this if it makes you feel any better, we all have encountered something unsavory with it. I think there are a lot of people who are socially awkward or have a "new confidence" thanks to the internet and not having to deal with the same things you have to with people face to face. Which I think is going on here, but I digress... Just move on. You'll be fine and much happier. 1
Madame Iris Posted June 15, 2022 Posted June 15, 2022 If an online relationship is going on for two years without you seeing each other, there may be something regarding your own situation that you were not comfortable with as well. With all of the video apps that are out there, you should have seen each other by now. Are you even Facebook friends?
glows Posted June 15, 2022 Posted June 15, 2022 On 6/1/2022 at 9:00 AM, MediocreMelon said: We already tried that - after much deliberation because of the distance between us (6hrs) - it really didn't end well. We arranged to meet up in a city, meet at said time, said place in the town, and (apparently) he was having such a meltdown/anxiety panic and didn't want to bring himself to actually come see me. I was trying my best to calm the situation (via message, he didn't want to call), but he wouldn't let me in. I felt really vulnerable being in the middle of a city all alone. I tried wandering around to find him but I couldn't see him, yet later on he admitted he saw me... Yes...reading the comments here already has me thinking in hindsight. I do feel a bit stupid, I'm not going to lie Just change. Don’t beat yourself up until you feel paralyzed or make the same mistakes again getting caught up in a cyber romance. Move on from this. He is no good.
Amanda92 Posted June 16, 2022 Posted June 16, 2022 On 6/1/2022 at 6:00 PM, MediocreMelon said: We already tried that - after much deliberation because of the distance between us (6hrs) - it really didn't end well. We arranged to meet up in a city, meet at said time, said place in the town, and (apparently) he was having such a meltdown/anxiety panic and didn't want to bring himself to actually come see me. I was trying my best to calm the situation (via message, he didn't want to call), but he wouldn't let me in. I felt really vulnerable being in the middle of a city all alone. I tried wandering around to find him but I couldn't see him, yet later on he admitted he saw me... Yes...reading the comments here already has me thinking in hindsight. I do feel a bit stupid, I'm not going to lie He just stood you up! Block him and start taking care of yourself. You deserve better. 1
Author MediocreMelon Posted June 17, 2022 Author Posted June 17, 2022 On 6/15/2022 at 2:59 PM, Madame Iris said: Are you even Facebook friends? No
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