Partner's Son Brings Weed Into the House

[GoodStepMom]

My partner of 10 years whom I live with has 3 kids that he loves (Girl 21, Boy 18, and Girl 14) who primarily live with their mother now as teenagers and young adults because she has no rules. However, they always come to him for money and rides at any hour of the day or night and he gladly obliges. His 18 year old son who is on the spectrum but highly functioning, began smoking weed we think about a year ago. He was missing day after day of school for no good reason and claimed it was his stomach. Could've been nerves, stress, or a GI issue, which I would understand. But I am almost certain it's because of the weed. He sleeps half the day away and is perfectly chipper later on as if nothing's wrong. In fact, he acts kind of cocky, as if he's getting away with something, which, he is. He has a history of aggressive and manipulative behavior when he was a pre-teen, but now it's mostly manipulative behavior. I'm sorry, but special needs or not, someone's child even at 18 who still depends on dad for a lot of things needs to know that there are boundaries and rules and consequences in a household, especially with younger children involved and anything illegal such as drugs. Did I mention that I'm a teacher and that I've had a lot of experience with special needs kids and these kind of scenarios with drugs and drinking in school? My partner is honestly afraid, I think, of pushing his son to what he thinks might be an emotional extreme if he disciplines him in really any way. Well, when his son at 17 brought the weed into the house a few times, he acted like it was no big deal when he knew it was. Or at least I thought my partner would think that. Instead, he didn't get cross with him in any way. Not. At. All. I told my partner under no circumstances do I want weed in our house. However, a few times in this past year, he even brought it in with his friends in his room when he knew better. My partner again didn't discipline him at all. Then, this weekend, we had a huge fight because I could smell the weed on his son in a big way. My partner told me to "just get over it." Normally, my partner is fairly sensible with his kids. But now he's so mad at me, as if I'M the problem. Maybe he's worried with just a few weeks before graduation that he doesn't want to push his son in any other direction? What can I do? 

[mark clemson]

If you're the legal owner/renter, you should have a legal right to not let the son into your house if you think there's weed. You might need to research confirm this for your jurisdiction, but the "quick" solution would be to simply tell him to leave/go stay at his mothers. Let your partner know it's coming so his not caught off guard when this (probably inevitably) happens.

This may piss off your BF and indeed the son may be happy (or at least unconcerned) if it drives a wedge between you, but c'est la vie. It might spell the end of your relationship, which would be unfortunate, but we all have our dealbreakers and if you feel (understandably IMO) these are boundaries you need to maintain, then that's the situation, unfortunately. Particularly if there could be legal consequences in your area for this.

Another option might be to take away access to computer games, music, and electronic devices when he comes with weed, and possibly to confiscate the weed and dispose of/destroy it. Of course you'd need your BF's support and action (or at least "permission") in order to do this. You could also inform both of them that you intend to call the cops and press charges next time this happens, although that seems a bit "going nuclear" (not that it's entirely wrong) as it might get the son into a lot of trouble and presumably you don't want to go making "idle threats" and that would presumably cause the son to lose even more respect.

Some parents are better at disciplining their kids than others and some kids are much tougher than others to discipline, which is why reform schools, camps for troubled teens, scared straight programs and the like exist. Not saying this kid is headed for any of that, but those things certainly exist for a reason. Also, while a relationship takes "work" from both partners, since you can't directly discipline his kid for him, it's on your BF to make this side of things work for both of you.

Edited June 1, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, GoodStepMom said:

, we had a huge fight because I could smell the weed on his son 

Whose house is it? You don't have to allow weed in the house. It's that simple. However, discipline, upbringing and parenting are for the teen's parents to take care of, so step far away from that.

Do not get involved in that. It's not your call how your BF and the teen's mother raise him. Stick with no "drugs in the house".

[GoodStepMom]

Mark,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed response. 

First, let me say that I really do love this man and his kids. I have for 10 years. Now, to respond to your excellent points...

I don't own the house, it's my partner's. However, I contribute to the maintenance and running of it, and general expenses (in addition to caring for the kids for over 10 years when their alcoholic mother hasn't, which is why my partner left her in the first place). Still, I can't legally keep him out when he's smoking weed as it turns out because my partner, whom I just confronted severely about this, has now decided to tell me that, after a year of his knowing how troubled I was about the weed, that his son has had a medical marijuana card for the past 8 months when he turned 18. He NEVER told me anything. He said casually in response to my great concern tonight: "I didn't feel it was necessary to mention that he got the medical card because he wasn't bringing the weed into the house like you thought - he just smelled like it from outside. I've told him not to bring it in anyway." Honestly, I'm not sure if I believe him. However, if it is true, then I would feel differently. But because he is telling me at the last minute and only because I was upset about what I smelled and how he reacted, I don't know if his response is just to shut me up. The kid has three weeks until high school graduation so I'm guessing his dad is allowing/doing anything to appease his kid (he says the weed calms him down) so that he'll graduate. He's had a troubled past so I'm also guessing he's overlooking almost anything out of desperation. I don't know anymore, I'm at a loss.

About your wonderful suggestions about taking things away - I've suggested this many times with his son (and his other two children) on many occasions, and how I wish it were that simple. He won't do that and it's his son, he says. He's pretty much told me that he should raise his son his way, and I should raise my daughter my way. Of course, my response to him was that this is more than simply reprimanding a kid, it's about something illegal, an illegal drug (at least it's illegal for him being under 21 if he doesn't have a medical card). 

I'm beyond exhausted about the situation and it's become clear that, as much as I have loved my partner and his kids, we have different values about raising kids, particularly about illegal substances. He really is a good man overall, just troubled and exhausted, too, I think. But I am upset and at a loss here at this time, and I really appreciate your suggestions. I am hopeful that, with time and honest discussions, he and I will meet each other in the middle because I really do love him. 

Again, thank you so much.

[GoodStepMom]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whose house is it? You don't have to allow weed in the house. It's that simple. However, discipline, upbringing and parenting are for the teen's parents to take care of, so step far away from that.

Do not get involved in that. It's not your call how your BF and the teen's mother raise him. Stick with no "drugs in the house".

I totally agree. My partner and I live together and have for 10 years. I said, "no drugs in the house," but he claims the kid isn't doing it in the house, that he just smells of it when he comes in. I don't believe him. I lived in NY in an apartment building for years and I know the difference between smelling weed on clothes and smelling weed being smoked in a residence. 

Please see my response to Mark Clemson's response which explains it all. 

Many thanks for your response.

 

[mark clemson]

Thanks for the nice feedback. It does sound like a tricky situation unfortunately, and since it's your partner's house there may only be so much you can do.  Checking the medical card (asking to see it) might help alleviate part of the concerns here if that would mean he's "legal" to use it. Keeping in mind that stoned 18 year olds aren't generally known for their wisdom, he may end up violating the nuances of whatever laws apply. But the main impact of that (assuming anything negative even happens) would presumably be on your partner, and he is making his own calls here (for better or worse).

If I had a great suggestion for you I would gladly share it, but unfortunately some situations defy straightforward solutions, so I'm at a bit of a loss here. Influencing your partner to get his son to move out sooner rather than later might be an option, but I'm not sure you want to go there as you seem pretty nice. You could also temporarily move into your own place, although that might negatively impact the relationship as well (as your partner might incorrectly interpret it as the start of a slow fade).

There are probably other possible solutions as well, but I suspect most of them will have drawbacks, unfortunately. Wish the situation were different.

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, GoodStepMom said:

I'm beyond exhausted about the situation and it's become clear that, as much as I have loved my partner and his kids, we have different values about raising kids, particularly about illegal substances. He really is a good man overall, just troubled and exhausted, too, I think. But I am upset and at a loss here at this time, and I really appreciate your suggestions. I am hopeful that, with time and honest discussions, he and I will meet each other in the middle because I really do love him. 

Two points I have (from a bit of a different perspective), One, if it is your boyfriend's house, I would probably move out if weed is truly a deal breaker. Two, weed is legal in my state. The fact that his son is underage makes it illegal for him in any state. However, I have said before, I would much rather my daughters smoke pot than drink alcohol. Alcohol is much more dangerous than marijuana. You said you have vastly different values about raising kids. I'm not sure what state you live in, but what if marijuana becomes legal in your state. Once they are of age, it's no longer an illegal substance. His youngest is 14. That means four more years of standing by and watching him parent his children the way he wants - although parenting does not  (and should not) stop at 18. 

I'd say your options are - let your boyfriend and his ex handling the raising of his children and just try to play the role of another loving adult who is there for them, looking out for their best interest (but do not go against their parents.) Or two, you move out and get your own place until all his children have grown and left the home. 

[GoodStepMom]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Thanks for the nice feedback. It does sound like a tricky situation unfortunately, and since it's your partner's house there may only be so much you can do.  Checking the medical card (asking to see it) might help alleviate part of the concerns here if that would mean he's "legal" to use it. Keeping in mind that stoned 18 year olds aren't generally known for their wisdom, he may end up violating the nuances of whatever laws apply. But the main impact of that (assuming anything negative even happens) would presumably be on your partner, and he is making his own calls here (for better or worse).

If I had a great suggestion for you I would gladly share it, but unfortunately some situations defy straightforward solutions, so I'm at a bit of a loss here. Influencing your partner to get his son to move out sooner rather than later might be an option, but I'm not sure you want to go there as you seem pretty nice. You could also temporarily move into your own place, although that might negatively impact the relationship as well (as your partner might incorrectly interpret it as the start of a slow fade).

There are probably other possible solutions as well, but I suspect most of them will have drawbacks, unfortunately. Wish the situation were different.

I really appreciate what you've said - it is a tricky situation because of everything you've noted. I thought about checking the medical card but his head is so buried in the sand he would think I'm questioning his judgment as a parent - which I am - and he would be really upset. His son is moving out to college in August and I think my partner is just desperate to get his kid to high school graduation - it's been a long haul for him - so, in his mind, if weed helps him, so be it. But then he's missing all kinds of school in recent months and my partner won't even remotely associate it with the weed. I'm not a doctor, but when a kid starts smoking a lot of weed and might be in a good mood more, but is missing school, the help it may give to alleviate means little he's missing weeks of school for no good reason - that is unacceptable in my book.

I'm just trying to keep the peace until August. Praying we won't get a call from law enforcement or his school saying that something happened to him - he's already anxious about going away to college, even though he insists he wants to go. 

Thanks so much again for your response and supportive words - truly.

 

[GoodStepMom]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

Two points I have (from a bit of a different perspective), One, if it is your boyfriend's house, I would probably move out if weed is truly a deal breaker. Two, weed is legal in my state. The fact that his son is underage makes it illegal for him in any state. However, I have said before, I would much rather my daughters smoke pot than drink alcohol. Alcohol is much more dangerous than marijuana. You said you have vastly different values about raising kids. I'm not sure what state you live in, but what if marijuana becomes legal in your state. Once they are of age, it's no longer an illegal substance. His youngest is 14. That means four more years of standing by and watching him parent his children the way he wants - although parenting does not  (and should not) stop at 18. 

I'd say your options are - let your boyfriend and his ex handling the raising of his children and just try to play the role of another loving adult who is there for them, looking out for their best interest (but do not go against their parents.) Or two, you move out and get your own place until all his children have grown and left the home. 

Different tokes for different folks, right. I really do appreciate your open-mindedness and if that works for you and your kids, that's great. I guess I'm just one of the old-school-yet-still-in-the-know parents who believes that there should be strong consequences for illegal substances for minors particularly in our own home (in our state it's 21 without a medical card, 18 with), whether drugs or alcohol, and generally strong consequences for repeatedly disobeying a parent, particularly as it would relate to illegal substances with a minor. And by the way, they are both dangerous but in different ways and there is plenty of medical evidence to support this. Drugs and alcohol in young adults can be harmful and permanently altering, period for several reasons but mainly because they rarely do anything in moderation, so the idea of a drink here or a joint there is hardly ever the case. Also, in today's society, with social media and all of the perils that can come with it, it's far easier to make terrible decisions that can easily be broadcast for the world to see (someone always has a phone camera) and cost someone a job, a college acceptance, scholarship, or a relationship, or their freedom. Some kids don't care about that. Some families don't care about that. That's fine for them. But I care about the consequences. My partner deep down does but he's just too buried in the sand because he wants to just get his son to high school graduation and I feel like his anger is misplaced. 

I definitely don't want to handle disciplining my partner's kids nor do I think I should but I do want them (and him by extension) to respect laws and my being an adult figure in their life who contributes to the house and them when they do nothing in return - and I do mean, nothing.

I'm hopeful that once this kid is at college, I won't have to deal with this. But I have a feeling that we'll be getting a call about him getting in trouble or he might fail a few classes because he's slept through them smoking weed all day as he seems to be doing now at his mom's house. I hope not, though. 

Anyway, I do appreciate your chiming in. Different points of view do make a difference. I'm realistic and human, and my intentions really are good where this kid and his siblings are concerned. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, GoodStepMom said:

I definitely don't want to handle disciplining my partner's kids nor do I think I should but I do want them (and him by extension) to respect laws and my being an adult figure in their life who contributes to the house and them when they do nothing in return

Your heart seems in the right place. However you're right, your BF needs to deal with this. He may realize that pulling the reins too tight causes more teen rebellion. Teens will try stuff. Stupid stuff. This will not be the last wobble on the training wheels to adulthood. Take a deep breath and let the BF deal with it how he sees fit, even if you don't agree.

Edited June 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Stret]

There are definitely two sides to this story and I can offer you a bit of an alternative view as someone who smoked weed as a teen - in the house, at school, and everywhere. For me it helped deal with social anxiety and lack of confidence at the time, it gave me friends that I connected with over something and overall didn't do any damage to me. For some people it has the opposite effect and this is individual (I read a book called Drugs and Psychology and this is exactly what they explain on the basis of studies). My idea is that it all depends on the amount that is smoked - every day is too much. On weekends, maybe it's ok. The more you smoke it, the less effect it has on you. So let's say, if you smoke only on Saturdays it will be awesome. If I had a teenage child, I would be ok with them smoking weed - and I would rather that they do it in the safety of their room at home than outside whoknowswhere and with whom. In either case, weed is much better than alcohol for kids to experiment with. When smoking weed, you are perfectly capable of normal conversations, of going straight and not zigzagging, it improves creativity, it doesn't make you friendly to strangers and doesn't remove your sense of danger like with alcohol. If you drink as a teen, you can easily get manipulated, raped, robbed, you throw up, you feel like crap for days... None of it exists with weed. And kids will experiment with something. 

So instead of fighting it, why not make a deal with him on when and how to use weed? I'd let him use it at home, in his room strictly, but only once a week. The more you fight it, the more wedge you will drive between you two and between you and your partner. Maybe it is not worth it. Weed is less dangerous than alcohol, way less, but people recoil because it is labelled as drug, while alcohol is legal and if you found a bottle of beer in his room, you'd probably be more fine with that because it is more socially acceptable. 
I did both as a kid, sometimes too much, and I did well in life. Once I got to the university, I already partied a lot in high school and was not interested in that lifestyle so much as others were, I could focus on studies more. I still smoke occasionally, and it is great. With me, I never had any form of dependence nor it can cause dependence that easily as far as I know. After years of smoking, I just left it at some point for years because my BF at the time asked me to. 
These are my views on the basis of years of experience but I appreciate you might have a different opinion. My idea was to give you a more relaxed and less rigid view on the issue. It is not such a bad thing - I am sure his father would react differently if he got into some actual drugs. Best of luck to you and your family. 

[mark clemson]

Ironically, I smoked weed in HS and the first year or two of college as well. 🙂  Fun at the time, but looking back I did not fully understand the substantial risks I was taking due to the prospect of a potential criminal record, etc. I suspect that some of those who knew me in high school might be quite surprised as to how well my life turned out - probably not what they would expect by projecting out from back then.  C'est la vie... 🙂

[IrinaM]

I'm just trying to think in terms of outcomes...

Since you say you can tell he is actually smoking in the house, you are probably right, he is. His father knows and is okay with it, which means the son will continue to smoke weed in your house. I'm sorry I don't see another outcome. This story about the medical card sounds made-up, and I'm sure you think so too. The fact that the father is willing to cover for the son with a lie means he gives his full approval. You won't get any support from your boyfriend on this matter.

This leaves you with three options:

1. decide you're okay with it too, since there's nothing you can do

2. find a sneaky way to get the kid kicked out of your house. He's purchasing and using MJ illegally, so think about that.

3. take your own children and move out, severing your ties with this other family.

[glows]

I’m sorry you moved into your partner’s home as you have little to no rights not being the owner and parenting is up to your partner and the mother. It sounds like their mother has given up for the most part and does no disciplining. 

Unfortunately the red flags and their parenting choices must have been clear from the beginning when you started dating him. These are the results of years of neglect and parenting choices that you disagree with. 

The bottomline is it’s your partner whom you disagree with and you’ll have to decide whether you can live with a man who has family and children who live a certain way. It’s his home and his children so you can agree to disagree and leave. They’re not going to change for you at this point and it seems both parents differ from you. His children aren’t going anywhere fast either. Keep in mind there’s the 14 year old watching and observing what the older kids are getting away with so be mindful that you have more years ahead of you with this type of parenting or child rearing.

[JRabbit]

It's just weed.  I would let it go, and see if there are other ways to be supportive of the children, maybe grow closer to them.  The bigger the barrier you place will just make more secrets, hiding, etc.

Weed at 18 is NBD. Weed in general is NBD. It actually helps a lot of people.

It's something you can get hung up on and cause huge family issues out of when there really is no need to.

If you really just cant handle it then he's 18, kick him out to get his own place.

Personally I would say you catch more flies with honey.

[ShyViolet]

I know you mean well, but it's not your place to put your foot down and dictate how your partner chooses to parent his son.  It's just not.  I'm not sure why you are taking so much aggravation upon yourself here.  It's just weed... in my state (New York) weed is legalized and not a big deal.  

His son is leaving in August.  Do you really honestly think this is worth putting up a huge fight over?  It's not your house and it's not your son.  I honestly think you are on the wrong side of this argument.  This is between your partner and his son, it doesn't have much to do with you.  

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I know you mean well, but it's not your place to put your foot down and dictate how your partner chooses to parent his son.  It's just not.  

This is correct.

That said, as one who is in a similar situation with a partner and a teenage/soon to be adult son, I just want to empathize - it’s really hard to live in a home and have your life be affected by a situation that you don’t control - especially when you disagree with your partner’s parenting decisions. It’s really, really hard.

Drug use would be a hard no for me too. That said, my motto in life right now - he’s not my child to parent. 

If the son is leaving in August, I would say make yourself busy this summer and distract yourself with other things. Hopefully things will get better with a little more time and distance. 

Edited June 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 6/2/2022 at 4:42 AM, glows said:

They’re not going to change for you at this point

No, they are not. These relationships and these patterns are long standing… 

[GoodStepMom]

On 6/1/2022 at 11:20 PM, IrinaM said:

I'm just trying to think in terms of outcomes...

Since you say you can tell he is actually smoking in the house, you are probably right, he is. His father knows and is okay with it, which means the son will continue to smoke weed in your house. I'm sorry I don't see another outcome. This story about the medical card sounds made-up, and I'm sure you think so too. The fact that the father is willing to cover for the son with a lie means he gives his full approval. You won't get any support from your boyfriend on this matter.

This leaves you with three options:

1. decide you're okay with it too, since there's nothing you can do

2. find a sneaky way to get the kid kicked out of your house. He's purchasing and using MJ illegally, so think about that.

3. take your own children and move out, severing your ties with this other family.

Thank you so much for your reply - so sorry for the long delay, we've been dealing with a LOT in this house in addition to the son! You're spot on with everything you've said.

[GoodStepMom]

On 6/4/2022 at 4:14 PM, BaileyB said:

No, they are not. These relationships and these patterns are long standing… 

So sorry for the late reply - we've been dealing with a LOT more in this house in the past month or so. You're so right and I appreciate your honesty.

[GoodStepMom]

On 6/2/2022 at 5:42 AM, glows said:

I’m sorry you moved into your partner’s home as you have little to no rights not being the owner and parenting is up to your partner and the mother. It sounds like their mother has given up for the most part and does no disciplining. 

Unfortunately the red flags and their parenting choices must have been clear from the beginning when you started dating him. These are the results of years of neglect and parenting choices that you disagree with. 

The bottomline is it’s your partner whom you disagree with and you’ll have to decide whether you can live with a man who has family and children who live a certain way. It’s his home and his children so you can agree to disagree and leave. They’re not going to change for you at this point and it seems both parents differ from you. His children aren’t going anywhere fast either. Keep in mind there’s the 14 year old watching and observing what the older kids are getting away with so be mindful that you have more years ahead of you with this type of parenting or child rearing.

So sorry for the late reply - we've been dealing with a LOT more in this house in the past month or so. You're so right and I appreciate your honesty and advice.

[GoodStepMom]

On 6/4/2022 at 4:13 PM, BaileyB said:

This is correct.

That said, as one who is in a similar situation with a partner and a teenage/soon to be adult son, I just want to empathize - it’s really hard to live in a home and have your life be affected by a situation that you don’t control - especially when you disagree with your partner’s parenting decisions. It’s really, really hard.

Drug use would be a hard no for me too. That said, my motto in life right now - he’s not my child to parent. 

If the son is leaving in August, I would say make yourself busy this summer and distract yourself with other things. Hopefully things will get better with a little more time and distance. 

So sorry for the late reply - we've been dealing with a LOT more in this house in the past month or so. You're so right and I appreciate your honesty and advice and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a similar situation - I hope all is going well despite what you're dealing with.

[GoodStepMom]

1 minute ago, GoodStepMom said:

So sorry for the late reply - we've been dealing with a LOT more in this house in the past month or so. You're so right and I appreciate your honesty and advice.