Grace Angelou Posted May 30, 2022 Share Posted May 30, 2022 I've been married for 9yrs and I have been emotionally, physically, mentally and financially abused throughout my marriage and I always told that it was my fault. That I had provoked him in some way. 5 Months ago I fled with my kids because I was terrified for my life and that of my kids. Because I loved him and believe in the covenant of marriage I asked him to get help whilst the children and I sought therapy for the trauma and began our healing process. During this time he has lied about getting help and has tried to manipulate and control me from a distance. He has not paid maintenance or even paid any of the debt we are liable for. He continues to belittle and verbally abuse me and with the the distance, I have now been able to stop taking his calls or end a call whenever he is disrespectful to me. Our kids, 16 and 4 are both doing better at school since we left. My 4yr old now sleeps through the night and nolonger has separation anxiety. I have found that I nolonger get tense whenever it's time to go home. My teen now loves being home and even chooses a home night over a Friday night with friends. In this time away I am seeing clearly just how bad things have been and through therapy, I am beginning to unlearn the lies that had become my reality and learning the truth that I am enough and my kids and I deserve to be loved and safe. My greatest fear is being alone. I'm 36 and don't think I could find love at this age, but right now...I'm choosing me. I would rather be with friends that genuinely care about my wellbeing than to be married and hurting. Today I have decided I am ready to file for a divorce and I'm bracing myself for whatever comes next. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 30, 2022 Share Posted May 30, 2022 Get things filed asap. get the support money awarded and have it paid directly to you from his employer. arrange any visitation to be done by a third party or at the police station. seek therapy about your mindset of being scared to be alone. It’s not scary being in my own - it’s freedom. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 30, 2022 Share Posted May 30, 2022 BRAVO GRACE!!!!!!! I'm so proud and happy for you and your children. You did the right thing and don't worry you will not end up alone. For one thing you have your beautiful children who will always be in your life. At 36 you're still a young woman. Take S2B's advice to get your child support and protection. Keep posting here for encouragement. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 30, 2022 Share Posted May 30, 2022 1 hour ago, Grace Angelou said: 5 Months ago I fled with my kids because I was terrified for my life and that of my kids. Today I have decided I am ready to file for a divorce and I'm bracing myself for whatever comes next. Sorry this is happening. You are making the right choice for your children and yourself. Hopefully you are staying with supportive friends and family or they are close by. Do no talk with him. You need to get a restraining order for yourself and your children. Leaving an abuser is when things can get worse before they get better. File for child support on behalf of your children. Do not allow unsupervised visitation. Ever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 30, 2022 Share Posted May 30, 2022 Congratulations. Divorce is not as scary as many make it out to be nor is it the end of the world, nor does it dictate your future or deem you unlovable. Remember to continue healing and loving yourself, care of your kids and surround yourselves with loved ones - no more abusive or despicable company. I'm happy for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 30, 2022 Share Posted May 30, 2022 4 hours ago, Grace Angelou said: My greatest fear is being alone. I'm 36 and don't think I could find love at this age, but right now...I'm choosing me. I would rather be with friends that genuinely care about my wellbeing than to be married and hurting. Today I have decided I am ready to file for a divorce and I'm bracing myself for whatever comes next. You seem a bit hung between a desire to put yourself first (“I’m choosing me”) and yet fearing that you might stay alone (“don’t think I could find love at this age”). Don’t worry. You can have both. Put yourself first, go through the divorce, setup a new life as a divorced parent, take a bit of time to heal your wounds and get a clear picture of the type of relationship and the type of partner you might want in the future. Maybe this will take you 6 months. Maybe it will take you 5 years. When all these things are settled, you will have plenty of time to find new love. Millions of people find love around 40, it’s not that rare. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 16 hours ago, Will am I said: You seem a bit hung between a desire to put yourself first (“I’m choosing me”) and yet fearing that you might stay alone (“don’t think I could find love at this age”). Don’t worry. You can have both. Put yourself first, go through the divorce, setup a new life as a divorced parent, take a bit of time to heal your wounds and get a clear picture of the type of relationship and the type of partner you might want in the future. Maybe this will take you 6 months. Maybe it will take you 5 years. When all these things are settled, you will have plenty of time to find new love. Millions of people find love around 40, it’s not that rare. Thank you for giving me hope that there is a possibility of having both. I used to be so confident once upon a time and I have moments where I realize just how much of that confidence I have lost in my marriage. But I am going to therapy and rebuilding my life again and that of my kids. I hope in time I do get to that place of being confident again n healed so that I don't give up on the beautiful life I could possibly have because of my past wounds. I know that I am getting stronger because now, I can even talk about how I feel without fear or even breaking down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 19 hours ago, glows said: Congratulations. Divorce is not as scary as many make it out to be nor is it the end of the world, nor does it dictate your future or deem you unlovable. Remember to continue healing and loving yourself, care of your kids and surround yourselves with loved ones - no more abusive or despicable company. I'm happy for you. Thank you so much. I guess for me it's the celibacy while I heal. And I'm pretty old fashioned so I don't believe in casual sex. It's frustrating, that I can't put a timeline to my healing. I just didn't think I would need to deal with this at my age. But I'm learning to just trust the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 31, 2022 Share Posted May 31, 2022 You have truly suffered in your marriage, have you? Focus on your self esteem. Join a support group for recently divorced women, or spend quality time with friends. Arrange for baby sitters so you can have some "me time" (it can be a paid babysitter but maybe you have friends that want to help you). Pick up a hobby. Go to the gym if you feel insecure about your physical appearance. Of course you will find a new partner if you want to and when you're ready. You're only 36. My grandfather found a new love at 66 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 9 minutes ago, Will am I said: You have truly suffered in your marriage, have you? Sadly I have...it has taken me a while to let go of the hope I thought my marriage could become and to accept the reality of what it actually was. Being afraid to go home at the end of each work day was crippling. I became so depressed that I would fail to concentrate and complete a simple task. There have been moments when I didn't recognize my own words and that's when I knew that I had to leave or else I would lose myself completely. I had to sit my daughter & family down and my boss and be honest with them about my secret struggle at home. Because my husband only hit me in places hidden to the world. And he is such a charmer that nobody besides my best friends, my neighbors n pastors knew about his true nature. I always hoped that if I always submitted and respected him that he would change. But it's his core. He is not a nice human being and he hurts his loved ones on purpose to showcase his power. I know that not all men are like him. But hey, I have been so deeply wounded by a man who swore to God n my late parents that he would protect me. That love seems like a very expensive gift to hope for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 31, 2022 Share Posted May 31, 2022 27 minutes ago, Grace Angelou said: Thank you so much. I guess for me it's the celibacy while I heal. And I'm pretty old fashioned so I don't believe in casual sex. It's frustrating, that I can't put a timeline to my healing. I just didn't think I would need to deal with this at my age. But I'm learning to just trust the process. I think you'll have to work on that mindset and undo the idea that you are expired or damaged goods once you're divorced or above 35. It's a negative view of yourself or perception that has to change. Avoid negative self-talk and don't look to society's standards or what others are doing. You'll only attract other abusers and men who mistreat you. I might add that there are support groups for traumatized individuals or people going through loss but I didn't find it helpful past the first meeting. The way people perceive loss and challenges can vary greatly and one person's interpretation of loss may be very different from another's. I didn't relate to most of the other individuals in the particular support group I went to but I did take some tools or techniques to change the way I think of myself and of others. Practice resiliency as you're doing and in trusting the process and have goals for yourself. Be proactive and not just passive in the process. Avoid repeating the same patterns, boost your self-confidence and avoid dating the same kinds of men. Wishing you lots of healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 31, 2022 Share Posted May 31, 2022 7 minutes ago, Grace Angelou said: Sadly I have...it has taken me a while to let go of the hope I thought my marriage could become and to accept the reality of what it actually was. Being afraid to go home at the end of each work day was crippling. I became so depressed that I would fail to concentrate and complete a simple task. There have been moments when I didn't recognize my own words and that's when I knew that I had to leave or else I would lose myself completely. I had to sit my daughter & family down and my boss and be honest with them about my secret struggle at home. Because my husband only hit me in places hidden to the world. And he is such a charmer that nobody besides my best friends, my neighbors n pastors knew about his true nature. I always hoped that if I always submitted and respected him that he would change. But it's his core. He is not a nice human being and he hurts his loved ones on purpose to showcase his power. From my distant and neurral perspective it appears that your ex-husband may be a narcissist. To those not in their most intimate circle. narcissists are often very charming people. For their spouses, not so much. 7 minutes ago, Grace Angelou said: I know that not all men are like him. But hey, I have been so deeply wounded by a man who swore to God n my late parents that he would protect me. That love seems like a very expensive gift to hope for. You are a precious human being and you deserve to be loved. Now there are many different forms of love and many different places where you can find it. I don't think a new romantic relationship should be the first place to go. Your first dose of love is to come from close friends and family members who will be there for you and support you through this difficult time. After a while when you have gotten adjusted to your new life, maybe then is the time to seek a new life partner and enter into a marriage where you will be valued, respected, loved your dignity will be restored. (writing this to another woman is at the edge of appropriate communication, but I feel that the message is more important here) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 31, 2022 Share Posted May 31, 2022 I disagree that any armchair diagnoses is needed. The longer you keep dwelling on your abuser the harder it is to move forward. It keeps you locked in one spot or ruminating about a situation that is out of your control. You know the way he treated you and you know the signs to look out for so pay attention to signs when you start dating again. Stay focused on your work and employment as you spoke with your boss but your employer will not be sympathetic indefinitely. Stay on track with your current commitments and continue providing what you need from your daughter. Gain any legal information required about custody or visitation from your lawyer. Do not spend more energy thinking about your ex. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 56 minutes ago, glows said: I think you'll have to work on that mindset and undo the idea that you are expired or damaged goods once you're divorced or above 35. It's a negative view of yourself or perception that has to change. Avoid negative self-talk and don't look to society's standards or what others are doing. You'll only attract other abusers and men who mistreat you. I might add that there are support groups for traumatized individuals or people going through loss but I didn't find it helpful past the first meeting. The way people perceive loss and challenges can vary greatly and one person's interpretation of loss may be very different from another's. I didn't relate to most of the other individuals in the particular support group I went to but I did take some tools or techniques to change the way I think of myself and of others. Practice resiliency as you're doing and in trusting the process and have goals for yourself. Be proactive and not just passive in the process. Avoid repeating the same patterns, boost your self-confidence and avoid dating the same kinds of men. Wishing you lots of healing. Thank you...I have a lot to learn and unlearn. I'm just so greatful that I found this site. There are a lot of truths I needed to hear and just talking about my journey is giving me hope. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 31, 2022 Share Posted May 31, 2022 There are men who like being dads and wouldn't have issues with dating and eventually marrying a single mom. Not every man, but they are certainly out there, and particularly once your kids get a bit older and start to be more independent. So, get comfortable with yourself and process all of this (which is a lot) - once you're ready to start something new you'll probably know. One issue that could drive off a decent guy is having to deal with a "psycho ex". To help address that you could strongly consider keeping contact to the absolute minimum necessary, sometimes known as "grey rocking" (which you can research). Since you have decided to divorce, showing a willingness to contact authorities as a first, not last, option in the event of "any trouble" may also help to keep problems to a minimum. As you may already know, police typically ask that you be willing to press charges, so that is something to keep in mind; however once you are truly independent of him (i.e., financially independent) that becomes less of an issue. You could strongly consider contacting a battered women's shelter - as they may have a lot of advice specific to your legal jurisdiction and may be able to provide other support resources for you. If you're in the US, be aware that many family lawyers will give free 1/2 hour consults - you can "shop around" and get some questions answered for free (which can save you some money). Lawyers unfortunately are quite expensive and even a good lawyer tends to like to be paid more - be aware of this and I'd suggest you steer clear of any who suggest things that might further antagonize your husband and/or draw out the divorce process/make it even more expensive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 17 minutes ago, mark clemson said: There are men who like being dads and wouldn't have issues with dating and eventually marrying a single mom. Not every man, but they are certainly out there, and particularly once your kids get a bit older and start to be more independent. So, get comfortable with yourself and process all of this (which is a lot) - once you're ready to start something new you'll probably know. One issue that could drive off a decent guy is having to deal with a "psycho ex". To help address that you could strongly consider keeping contact to the absolute minimum necessary, sometimes known as "grey rocking" (which you can research). Since you have decided to divorce, showing a willingness to contact authorities as a first, not last, option in the event of "any trouble" may also help to keep problems to a minimum. As you may already know, police typically ask that you be willing to press charges, so that is something to keep in mind; however once you are truly independent of him (i.e., financially independent) that becomes less of an issue. You could strongly consider contacting a battered women's shelter - as they may have a lot of advice specific to your legal jurisdiction and may be able to provide other support resources for you. If you're in the US, be aware that many family lawyers will give free 1/2 hour consults - you can "shop around" and get some questions answered for free (which can save you some money). Lawyers unfortunately are quite expensive and even a good lawyer tends to like to be paid more - be aware of this and I'd suggest you steer clear of any who suggest things that might further antagonize your husband and/or draw out the divorce process/make it even more expensive. Thank you so much for your advice. Fortunately my friend is handling the divorce for free and I want my husband to have it all. My kids and I are doing just fine even without his maintenance which I am filing for and I don't want anything more than what is his responsibility to the kids. I want a fresh start and since I started counseling and with the antidepressants and the support of my family and friends, I am rebuilding again. For now I'm just taking care of myself and my kids and looking at a change of scenery, so looking for a job in a different state so that the visitations can be controlled and planned. I have medical records which substantiate why a protection order has been filed for so believe I will get it. I will research "grey rocking" because I don't want any physical contact with him unless absolutely necessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 1 minute ago, Grace Angelou said: One issue that could drive off a decent guy is having to deal with a "psycho ex" My ex is a coward, he only preys on the weak "women" he wouldn't face another man f2f. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 43 minutes ago, mark clemson said: If you're in the US I'm in Africa. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted June 1, 2022 Author Share Posted June 1, 2022 Today, I mourned a man who lives. I wept like a child over all the vows I made that he never kept in all these years of our marriage. I don't believe in divorce but I have finally accepted that marriage takes two. And I am now running on empty so my decision to walk away is not because I failed my vows or that I failed my husband but the fact is that he failed us. He failed to be faithful and he failed to love me and he failed to protect me and he failed to honor his vows... I forgive him but I cannot stay because his fists gave me a warning that if I stay they cannot promise I will live to see my kids grow. I wish him healing not for me but for the sake of our kids because they need me. But today...I choose life over him. I choose me. Now I need the strength to walk alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 4 minutes ago, Grace Angelou said: I don't believe in divorce but I have finally accepted that marriage takes two. I'm sorry Grace I thought you had already filed for divorce. Have you moved out yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grace Angelou Posted June 1, 2022 Author Share Posted June 1, 2022 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: I'm sorry Grace I thought you had already filed for divorce. Have you moved out yet? I have moved out. I have also filed for divorce but I was hoping that he would acknowledge his wrongs and seek help. But he is who he is and now I am ready to give an answer as to why I nolonger wear my wedding ring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 Just now, Grace Angelou said: I have moved out. I have also filed for divorce but I was hoping that he would acknowledge his wrongs and seek help. But he is who he is and now I am ready to give an answer as to why I nolonger wear my wedding ring. You gave your marriage all you had to give and more. You deserve a life of peace. Your children deserve a life of contentment and peace, too. With you, they will have that. You will continue to heal. You are a strong woman and I give you so much credit for taking these steps to save yourself and your children. ❤️ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 So good you and your children have moved out. He will not change so don't even expect it. Just keep moving forward with your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 You go girl! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 4 hours ago, Grace Angelou said: I have moved out. I have also filed for divorce but I was hoping that he would acknowledge his wrongs and seek help. But he is who he is and now I am ready to give an answer as to why I nolonger wear my wedding ring. Excuse me - you owe no one an explanation for why you have taken off your wedding ring. The ones who know you will have the good sense to do the math and the ones who do not know you will be minding their own business (as they should). Carry on with your healing and know that there are people who love and support you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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