10 years younger - does he like me?

[Starry_eyed]

Hey, I need to write this out because it has been giving me sleepless nights and maybe sharing it and getting thoughts from others will help me find peace of mind. Please do try to read if you can, I really would appreciate some support and/or helpful thoughts or advice.

I am 32, moved into a new place in February and a neighbour moved in in March. He was about 3 doors down the corridor from me. He is 10 years younger and physically he is not objectively attractive to me. We became friends and as I was keen not to give him the wrong idea because of the age gap, I tried to arrange for us to meet in group settings, with a couple of female neighbours I became friends with. It has always been four of us. As time passed we happened to start spending more time together, e.g. I wanted to lose weight and start jogging so we started running together (the girls didn't want to join), he would come over after a long day of work for a cup of tea and we would just chat and chill for a few hours. This continued and we would hang out until late, more and more often.

Recently, I had to vacate my apartment because of a leak and moved to another apartment within the block right next to the block I was originally in. He was always offering to help with cleaning the new place and one day I accepted his offer. He seemed to be quite playful with me, teasing me, trying to get something out of my hand for example. I think I caught him looking at my lips when he was a bit close. I don't know if it is relevant but that evening (we talk about really random stuff and are really comfortable with eachother), something in conversation led me to ask if he had ever had a threesome, he said no. Turns out he has only slept with two women, which I was surprised about. He asked me the question back, I didn't say no so I think he assumed I have had a threesome. I felt awkward in the moment so just changed topic and he was looking at me, I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

The next day I asked if he could help move something and he seemed like he didn't want to hang out for too long. After he helped carry some stuff round, I spoke to him a bit and he at some point got up and said he should get an early night. I thought it might be because we were spending a lot of time together, wondered if it might be the threesome thing, tried not to read too much into it. The next day I didn't speak with him all day but he messaged me to ask if I needed any support with heavy lifting that evening. I accepted some help, he came and again was short and sweet about it. Normally we just hang together but this is when I started to wonder if he might be trying to create some distance.

The next day I met his Dad because he wasn't around and his Dad was dropping off his golf clubs. My neighbour came to collect it from my room later that day and just sat on my bed for a bit whilst I did some work, he suggested dinner on our rooftop with the group and I went for a couple of hours before leaving to see my friend. That night the group continued socialising and one friend in our group invited another girl.

The next day he told me his father gave me top marks. He offered his help to move my mattress again even though there was a football game on, another female in our group offered to help. When they got to my room, they both lay on my mattress which was fine and I think he was looking at me a lot. Our other friend joined so there was all four of us. At some point I unexpectedly felt jealousy looking at them lying on the mattress and I struggled to handle the emotion. I was really caught off guard. I don't know if he was trying to make me feel jealous but I did feel jealous. She was going to leave and he said he wasn't moving. I was so upset that I said I was tired and he shot up off the bed and said he should probably go also. I cried after they left because I felt overwhelmed and surprised by what I was feeling. I think I've developed feelings but I don't know if realistically we could go anywhere. The next day we didn't text eachother at all. I got my new male flatmate to help me move my fridge, the guy was supposed to do it but I didn't want to look at him. I was angry and jealous, I know it isn't great but it's how I felt. My heart was sad and I felt hurt.

I texted him the next day to ask if he wanted to come over for a cuppa and he said he was going to the gym or something. He has always gone to the gym and this has never stopped him coming over, I really felt like he was creating distance between us. I was away for work for a couple of days and he said he would come over on the day I get back for a cup of tea. He messaged me less than normal whilst I was away and when I was back it was really unusual that he didn't get in touch to come over.

In our separate group chat I noticed (or was hypersensitive to?) a bit of mild flirting between him and the other girl. She had a headache and he said he could do CPR on her and also kept saying she needs to show him (or us?) some dance moves from a new dance class she has joined. The other girl in our group didn't think anything of it so I thought it might just be me. I texted him privately amongst other conversation and asked him if there was something going on between him and the girl. He basically said 'ehh haha. Where have you got this from haha', he was 'confused' and 'i don’t know where you have got that one from haha, I love everybody equally haha'. I made a funny comment to move away from discussing it and asked if he was around for that cup of tea, in the hope I could talk to him about it face to face, very casual. I wanted to know why he has changed around me. He said yes, and when I went to meet him he told me that the girl was joining. We hung out, all was fine and I felt normal even though there was the odd thing he did which made me feel left out, like he showed her a pic and didn't show me until I asked to see it.

Two days later I arranged to hang with the girl 1:1 because we both like nail art. He messaged about having dinner on the rooftop and she said he could join us. She is same age as him, in a long distance relationship and it sounds like she is finding it hard to not see her bf until September but they love eachother. I don't think their relationship is in a bad place. The guy came to join and I feel like he was overly focused on her, very friendly and he made me feel left out. One of the first things he asked was how my soiree was (he knows I went on a date the night before and I'm not sure about the guy). In the end the fourth member of our group came to join and she told me she could kind of see something. She was with her bf, they left after a bit. I felt like I had enough of seeing him being that way when he has basically cut me out and I said I was off to make dinner. I was very friendly and didn't show that I was feeling crap. As soon as I got up, they got up to leave.

He doesn't message me anymore and at one point when we were left at the table alone we had nothing much to say to eachother and it felt uncomfortable. I feel like something is different and I can't stop ruminating over in my head about the situation. Did/does he like me? Does her like her or is he trying to make me jealous? Did he use me to get to her? Is he trying to hurt my feelings? All I know is that I've noticed in the last couple of hours that I have been looking thinner this last week and only just realised I've lost my appetite since this all happened and cannot stop going over and over it in my head. It is 4.30am. It is so unhealthy, I'm still a bit in disbelief about how I'm feeling, and I'm hoping typing it out will help me to move forward. And breeeeathe.

Edited June 5, 2022 by Starry_eyed

[glows]

He seems friendly with everyone and I don’t see anything to show that he’s into the other woman or you. I wouldn’t think he’s using you. That seems over the top given how well you all get along in the group. Has he ever been disrespectful or unkind towards you or given you reason to think he’s shady? 

The texting and him coming over for tea might have been ok for awhile but he must have realized it could be taken the wrong way. 

Just be yourself and eat better. Spend time away with other friends, not just this group. 

[Starry_eyed]

Thanks for the frank thoughts @glows I wondered if he backed off because he realised it might come across the wrong way but I'm really not so sure. Reflecting on it, I feel like I regularly caught him checking me out, he seemed to want to get close to me and when we met he said he wasn't looking for a relationship. Later down the line told me he was looking for his wifey. He started talking about liking older women too.

He always seemed to find excuses to text me, invited me to his room at night, was showing me all of his stuff and just looked at me a lot. Maybe he did like me but is creating distance because for whatever reason he knows nothing can happen. He might also realise he developed an attachment once I left his block. I only realised after I left. Maybe he cares enough to not want to play games. It just hurts because he has stopped talking to me and is being overly friendly with the other girl in front of me.

I'm trying my best to keep busy, meeting with friends outside of my place but I am feeling the sudden void.

Edited June 5, 2022 by Starry_eyed

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

Thanks for the frank thoughts @glows I wondered if he backed off because he realised it might come across the wrong way but I'm really not so sure. Reflecting on it, I feel like I regularly caught him checking me out, he seemed to want to get close to me and when we met he said he wasn't looking for a relationship. Later down the line told me he was looking for his wifey. He started talking about liking older women too.

He always seemed to find excuses to text me, invited me to his room at night, was showing me all of his stuff and just looked at me a lot. Maybe he did like me but is creating distance because for whatever reason he knows nothing can happen. He might also realise he developed an attachment once I left his block. I only realised after I left. Maybe he cares enough to not want to play games. It just hurts because he has stopped talking to me and is being overly friendly with the other girl in front of me.

I'm trying my best to keep busy, meeting with friends outside of my place but I am feeling the sudden void.

You’re welcome. There’s the possibility he doesn’t want to muddy waters or create issues with a neighbour as well despite enjoying your company or liking you to some degree. If he’s not asking you out, he’s not interested enough. 

The sudden void is likely what’s bothering you most but let it pass. You’ve been friendly and welcoming and dropping lots of hints but he’s not responding. If you meet him at social events just greet him casually and chat as usual and excuse yourself, mingle with other people.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why don't you just ask him what's up, OP?

You two are friends. You should be able to talk. Tell him you've noticed the distance and wanted to know what's behind it. I doubt he was using you or trying to hurt you, unless you think he's a particularly shady character. He's either going to shoot his shot, or dogde the question and give you some sort of vague reason. And if he dodges, you will know that he doesn't feel the same way you do. 

[Starry_eyed]

4 hours ago, glows said:

You’re welcome. There’s the possibility he doesn’t want to muddy waters or create issues with a neighbour as well despite enjoying your company or liking you to some degree. If he’s not asking you out, he’s not interested enough. 

The sudden void is likely what’s bothering you most but let it pass. You’ve been friendly and welcoming and dropping lots of hints but he’s not responding. If you meet him at social events just greet him casually and chat as usual and excuse yourself, mingle with other people.

I feel the same about not muddying waters, I wouldn't date him whilst living so close by, I couldn't do that even if I really fancied someone. My theory is I haven't responded to his playful flirting with me when he was cleaning my room amongst other things so he probably got the message. He also found out I was talking to a guy he thought was out of the picture around the time he distanced himself, just remembered that, could be coincidental. I also am annoyed that he never invites his male flatmate to our group things, I've asked him to, he knows I find him a bit attractive even though I wouldn't act on it, we have shared hobbies from what I know about him, it feels a bit like he doesn't want me to meet him. Maybe he likes being the only male in our group. Something inside tells me he was crushing on me but I was avoiding acknowledging it until the incident where I got jealous and started to feel stuff.

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why don't you just ask him what's up, OP?

You two are friends. You should be able to talk. Tell him you've noticed the distance and wanted to know what's behind it. I doubt he was using you or trying to hurt you, unless you think he's a particularly shady character. He's either going to shoot his shot, or dogde the question and give you some sort of vague reason. And if he dodges, you will know that he doesn't feel the same way you do. 

Thanks @ExpatInItaly, I've thought about this. What do you think about this perspective @glows? We both spoke about playing golf together in the past and he now has his golf clubs. He dropped a comment in amongst something else yesterday, implying we would go to play next week. Maybe he will ask, maybe he won't. If I did talk to him, I wondered if I should wait until then or ask to meet him 1:1 beforehand. I don't want things to get awkward. I just want him to know that I get it if he felt an internal shift with me as we were spending a lot of time together, it just helps me to know where the distance is coming from and I will give him space. If he told me he started to get attached or thought I was getting attached, I would feel better just to know. I could explain that I did get a bit jealous but realise that was for selfish reasons and we can just try to be more conscious in future of not spending loads of prolonged 1:1 time together. I would be looking to achieve clarity, not knowing where I stand makes me so anxious but the thought of this conversation making things irreversibly awkward also makes me anxious. I wonder if I can mitigate the risk of that happening somehow, should I choose to talk to him. Thanks for your input, this is really helping my brain work through the situation.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

, something in conversation led me to ask if he had ever had a threesome, he said no. 

He doesn't message me anymore 

It seems more like a friendly neighbor situation. He may have been put off by the threesome question as it may have come across as an  oblique invitation.

Just step back into the acquaintance zone, where this belongs.

[Starry_eyed]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems more like a friendly neighbor situation. He may have been put off by the threesome question as it may have come across as an  oblique invitation.

Just step back into the acquaintance zone, where this belongs.

Thanks for your thoughts. I don't want to give up my whole friendship group because of him. We always meet together and seeing him with her is hard. I have to say the threesome thing I doubt came across as as me inviting him because I really wasn't, I changed the topic of conversation when he asked a follow-up question. He talks very liberally about some things so this is less of a standout question than it might seem.

I want to be friends and get this awkwardness out the way. I'm dating other people, getting out with external friends etc. I always experience anxiety when someone suddenly changes their behaviour with me and once I have said something or know why, I have always felt better. I am a very communal person, it is part of my nature, I love to bring all neighbours together for dinner at mine etc so this is something that is not so straightforward because of how I like to interact. It is so easy to have everyone here, meeting is in the moment and chill, I really don't want to lose it because of this. I think we could get past it if the conversation is navigated carefully and he handles it maturely. It is a risk but I'm struggling to see how else I can be at peace with it.

Edited June 5, 2022 by Starry_eyed

[glows]

The thing is there was never anything going on between you two. You weren't dating, he never asked you out and you both at no point were an item of any sort. There might have been some flirting here and there, spending a lot of time together and him being helpful in a neighbourly way. There's nothing at all to talk about, imo. You're working up a situation and creating a scenario or conversations that don't exist. I'd be respectful and mindful also of cornering someone into trying to get them to admit that they have feelings for you. That's not a nice thing to do and puts a person on the spot. If you have reservations about how awkward this is, pay attention to your gut.

If you do decide to have any kind of conversation about this the way I'd go about it is first asking how he's doing and inquiring about his life. You don't seem to know a great deal about him and that's leading to confusion reading his intentions towards you. The conversation would be to check that you're good as friends and get rid of any awkwardness, not add to it. Resume friendship and comfortable neighbourly banter.

You mentioned he seems interested in a woman who has a long distance bf. Is this also the kind of man you want to date? One who starts getting flirty or overly familiar with a woman who is already in a relationship? Step back a bit and think a bit more objectively here. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

I want to be friends and get this awkwardness out the way.  It is a risk but I'm struggling to see how else I can be at peace with it.

Let the dust settle. Having a quasi-relationship talk will make things more awkward. Be friends and neighbors, that's all there ever was.

Edited June 5, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

Something inside tells me he was crushing on me but I was avoiding acknowledging it until the incident where I got jealous and started to feel stuff.

I think he got the message when you asked about the threesome and was a bit put off.  I also think he knew you were feeling some jealousy about the younger woman and that is why he made the comment that he liked everyone equally, so basically no romantic interest.  I don't think there was really anything going on between you two and I would do as he's doing and dial it back so you don't feel awkward in your friend group.  

[Starry_eyed]

On 6/5/2022 at 4:16 PM, glows said:

The thing is there was never anything going on between you two. You weren't dating, he never asked you out and you both at no point were an item of any sort. There might have been some flirting here and there, spending a lot of time together and him being helpful in a neighbourly way. There's nothing at all to talk about, imo. You're working up a situation and creating a scenario or conversations that don't exist. I'd be respectful and mindful also of cornering someone into trying to get them to admit that they have feelings for you. That's not a nice thing to do and puts a person on the spot. If you have reservations about how awkward this is, pay attention to your gut.

If you do decide to have any kind of conversation about this the way I'd go about it is first asking how he's doing and inquiring about his life. You don't seem to know a great deal about him and that's leading to confusion reading his intentions towards you. The conversation would be to check that you're good as friends and get rid of any awkwardness, not add to it. Resume friendship and comfortable neighbourly banter.

You mentioned he seems interested in a woman who has a long distance bf. Is this also the kind of man you want to date? One who starts getting flirty or overly familiar with a woman who is already in a relationship? Step back a bit and think a bit more objectively here. 

I can see what you mean, this is grounding to read now. It is a bit scary to realise how emotions, whilst adding richness to life, can also create such a false sense of what is real. My objectivity is coming back and my emotion is calming. He messaged me today to ask if I wanted to hang out and I suggested he asked the other two girls if they were free as I went out for a short while. I asked if everything/he was alright, he said he was good. I got back early and said I'm tired and don't feel well which is partly true. The thought of seeing him currently gives me anxiety, will wait for that feeling to pass. I'm still not really eating and when I do I feel sick, think it might be related partly to this situation. He replied that he just woke up and could call by tomorrow evening to see how I feel but I said I'd probably be fine and thanked him. He seems to be asking to see me 1:1, I think. Moving forward I won't meet 1:1, keep things neighbourly and friendly (in group settings). I reckon once I get into that pattern of interacting with him, the discomfort/emotion should disappear. Thanks for your message 💜

On 6/5/2022 at 6:05 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Let the dust settle. Having a quasi-relationship talk will make things more awkward. Be friends and neighbors, that's all there ever was.

Letting the dust settle, no quasi-relationship talks, feeling less emotional now! Thanks 

On 6/5/2022 at 6:47 PM, stillafool said:

I think he got the message when you asked about the threesome and was a bit put off.  I also think he knew you were feeling some jealousy about the younger woman and that is why he made the comment that he liked everyone equally, so basically no romantic interest.  I don't think there was really anything going on between you two and I would do as he's doing and dial it back so you don't feel awkward in your friend group.  

Dialing it back as mentioned above. Thanks for your input, hopefully will feel better in a week.

[glows]

Good to hear this. Yes, stay grounded and enjoy the company of your neighbours. Be mindful also of people who seem confused and needy or want more out of a simple neighbourly relationship. 

Keep things neutral with anyone you live with or with neighbours especially. Home is a refuge and shelter. Make it a place of peace and calm. 

[Starry_eyed]

On 6/6/2022 at 10:34 PM, glows said:

Good to hear this. Yes, stay grounded and enjoy the company of your neighbours. Be mindful also of people who seem confused and needy or want more out of a simple neighbourly relationship. 

Keep things neutral with anyone you live with or with neighbours especially. Home is a refuge and shelter. Make it a place of peace and calm. 

Bit of an update - I've been keeping busy, going to meet friends, going to do fun activities. A few days ago I spent hours (🤦🏾‍♀️) reflecting and writing my thoughts out. I think if he realised I was jealous or that I liked him, he would just distance himself. He wouldn't try to make me feel left out and actually try to hurt my feelings. For example: 1. Showing her things and not showing me whilst I'm sitting there is rude and makes me feel left out 2. Shortly after the event where he may have picked up on my jealousy/when I asked him whether there was something going on between them, he did things like put his hand out to help her up from her chair, he was over the top and playful with her in front of me.  3. When talking in the group he used to look at me, now he barely ever makes eye contact. 4. When I sat next to him on a 2-person sofa he jumped up and was like I'll sit at the kitchen table. I was like 'this is a two person sofa, it's fine' and he sat down but it looked like immature game playing and the girl probably doesn't notice anything, this is something going on between us. Since then I have avoided hanging out with him and messaging.

The other day however, I had to work in the communal area because my wifi is still being setup in my apartment. He walked past looking surprisingly nice and on the way out said maybe we can go to the roof for dinner, I am proud of myself for not going. I just thought it would be him flirting in my face again. I avoided working down there unless I had to.

Again yesterday, I had to work there. The girl walked past at end of the day and I thought it was weird that she stopped to sit with me. Now I realised it's because she probably because the guy would be coming home from work at that time. He has basically cut me out and directed all interest and energy to her and is making it really obvious to me. Seems she is now liking the attention she is getting from this guy. Surprise surprise, he comes walking through from work. I was doing so well with cutting myself off but yesterday messed with me, for example 1. Making suggestions about her coming to hang out in his room or her in his, we all meet as a group and I thought it was just rude with me sitting there to say that, 2. When we were leaving I said could he put something in the bin for me and he was like 'you can't control me, you might be able to control [my male roommate] but you can't control me/all of us', it was said like a joke but felt like a subtle dig. I was really upset about it.

What hurts too is that the girl hasn't asked me what is going on and also seemed to be not helping to heal the division between us, maybe she can't see it or maybe she likes his attention and has no interest in me and the guy being good with me. Maybe he told her something. She knew everything about what he was up to and was displaying that in front of me, they had 'in' jokes and she was telling me about his Mum's trip. That used to be me and him. I feel like the interaction yesterday took me a few steps back and I'm trying so hard. I am really starting to wonder if I should talk to him now or just hurt for a really long time. It is eating me up having to keep this all to myself and letting him be a dick to me. I've applied for some therapy to find a better state of mind again but would appreciate any thoughts. After writing everything out and thinking about all the ways he has not only become distant but is actually being potentially manipulative and subtly hurtful towards me, it makes me think he liked me and for whatever reason he is trying to push me away. Him and the girl are both hurting me and I am really sad about it.

[Wiseman2]

He may want to keep things more neighborly and not get into messy romances with neighbors.

Forget both of them. Make new friends. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

[Starry_eyed]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may want to keep things more neighborly and not get into messy romances with neighbors.

Forget both of them. Make new friends. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

If he didn't want anything messy and he wanted to keep things neighbourly he would just distance himself full stop and just be calm, respectful about it. That wouldn't hurt like this. Instead he puts on a show, blatantly excludes me in group situations to the point that he is being rude and he makes unkind comments in a passive way. I think he feels rejected and his way of dealing with it is to hurt me and he probably also doesn't want the group to know he liked/likes me so he's being an a-hole. When he needed help I was there, I welcomed him into my home and was always kind. I never led him on. Really stings that people can be so brutal to those who have been so kind to them. I can perhaps move on but I feel like I'm carrying something inside me that is just boxed up and whenever I see them in future that will just be triggered every time. I feel like I need to get stuff off my chest then do my own thing. This is so complicated and crap.

Also, I have been out and met guys but nothing of substance yet. I messaged one guy from a while back who I liked but I'm also quite conscious that I don't want to rely on other men to feel better about this. It's a fine balance!

Edited June 21, 2022 by Starry_eyed

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it would be best to distance yourself from both of them, OP. 

They evidently like each other and it will hurt too much to watch them get closer. 

[Starry_eyed]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think it would be best to distance yourself from both of them, OP. 

They evidently like each other and it will hurt too much to watch them get closer. 

Thanks, I agree the distance is needed.

About liking her though - I don't know if I'm going mad to think this but he wouldn't be acting this way if he was focused on her. He is using the opportunity as a means to hurt me or I wouldn't know he is messaging her privately, he makes it known to me and wants to make me feel like he doesn't need me and is totally vibing out of nowhere with this girl. They were never close in the two months up until the moment I moved out. Suddenly she is this great friend of his. She has a bf and yesterday when she said she wants to learn salsa but doesn't want to get close to random guys, he said something to the effect of (not verbatim) 'we can dance, we're bros/mates, you feel comfortable with me right?' then they fist pumped

She is quite boring, he doesn't really have proper banter with her, we laughed a lot together in a way that they don't. I can feel the tension between us. Trusting my gut on this one!

[glows]

You’re taking this a bit too personally, the fact that he’s befriending someone else in the area/commune. I’d seriously stop the thoughts thinking he’s out to hurt you on purpose for the sake of your own mental health. I don’t think it’s the case that any of them want to hurt you.

What he mentioned subtly, perhaps not so subtly to you, was an issue of control. He’s correct that you can’t control others and it’s clear people are picking up that you want them to behave in specific ways. 

Who cares if he likes her? Isn’t he allowed to like who he likes? I’d rethink the idea of autonomy and let people be who they are or mingle with whom they want. I’m also puzzled why you’re not happy for him if he’s happy - isn’t that what friends do? You were friends supposedly before you started having feelings for him. 

As for him as a person he may be one of those people who latch onto the newest person to arrive. He’s obviously single and appearing very lonely. She may be just the same with her ldr boyfriend. Try not to concern yourself with their issues. If you ask me they both appear well cut out for one another if they find some comfort in each others’ situations. 

It’s also best to date outside of your immediate living area. I’d breathe a sigh of deep relief and carry on, knowing it’s such a better idea to ditch the thought of this guy and date someone else.

[stillafool]

Why in the world would he want to hurt you?  Truthfully, if he wanted you all he has to do is ask you out and he hasn't made any moves in that direction.  All we're seeing in what you've written is a neighbor who is a friendly, cheerful, fun loving young man who gets along with everyone.  You are seeing more in his actions because you want more.  Yes it does seem that he has a bit of a crush on the younger woman and she is enjoying his attention since her bf isn't around because young girls like attention.  

3 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

She is quite boring, he doesn't really have proper banter with her, we laughed a lot together in a way that they don't. I can feel the tension between us. Trusting my gut on this one!

I'm afraid you are imagining things and have wishful thinking.  You may think she's boring but he does not.  Also "banter" isn't really romantic talk, it's a teasing that can be done between friends or opposite sex, same sex, etc., relatives, and between strangers.  Unless it's sexual banter it's just friendly.  

He did start pulling back when you asked if he'd ever had a threesome.  I think at that point he realized you were looking at him in a sexual way and he backed off because he wants to keep your relationship neighborly.  I think if you were to talk to him about it, it will be very awkward afterwards.  I think it's good you are dating other men so you can put this crush behind you.

[vla1120]

What I've taken from all of this is - if he is doing this (being a jerk) to make you jealous or hurt you, two things - 1. He's not a nice person or friend, so knowing that, consider yourself to have dodged a bullet. 2. It is working in his favor and giving him exactly what he wants because of how much it is bothering you. Don't let him have so much of your precious headspace. In your initial post, you said he is not someone you would be interested in dating, so just pay him very little mind moving forward. Let the girl who is his age have him. They both clearly have some growing up to do. Be pleasant around them and do not show any signs that this has bothered you and it will eventually fade away.

[Starry_eyed]

2 hours ago, glows said:

You’re taking this a bit too personally, the fact that he’s befriending someone else in the area/commune. I’d seriously stop the thoughts thinking he’s out to hurt you on purpose for the sake of your own mental health. I don’t think it’s the case that any of them want to hurt you.

What he mentioned subtly, perhaps not so subtly to you, was an issue of control. He’s correct that you can’t control others and it’s clear people are picking up that you want them to behave in specific ways. 

Who cares if he likes her? Isn’t he allowed to like who he likes? I’d rethink the idea of autonomy and let people be who they are or mingle with whom they want. I’m also puzzled why you’re not happy for him if he’s happy - isn’t that what friends do? You were friends supposedly before you started having feelings for him. 

As for him as a person he may be one of those people who latch onto the newest person to arrive. He’s obviously single and appearing very lonely. She may be just the same with her ldr boyfriend. Try not to concern yourself with their issues. If you ask me they both appear well cut out for one another if they find some comfort in each others’ situations. 

It’s also best to date outside of your immediate living area. I’d breathe a sigh of deep relief and carry on, knowing it’s such a better idea to ditch the thought of this guy and date someone else.

I feel bad for saying she is quite boring, she's not. It's not so much an issue whether he likes her or not anymore, it's also not about me wanting our 1:1 thing anymore. I learnt that's not good. As the time has passed I'm alright with us just hanging in a group occasionally (if at all) moving forward. Maybe their friendship could blossom into more and I wouldn't be able to feel negative towards them, maybe it doesn't and they're friends. I suppose she isn't part of my issue. The issue is we have lost our friendship out of nowhere, he never messages me anymore and makes me feel really left out in group settings - I can rationalise the ways in which he does that so I don't think I'm being irrational, imagining or led by emotion in thinking this. That maybe makes it hard for me to be happy for them right now because I'm still letting go. I will get over the loss of friendship but currently it makes being in a group difficult when he is clearly bonding with her a lot and he demonstrates that in a way that explicitly leaves me out. He invited her to look at something in his room after and we always do things as a group but he didn't invite me, he showed her pics and ignored me, they were joking about stuff and didn’t include me so I didn't understand. He was always inclusive before and I just want him to stop that kind of behaviour, they're the kinds of behaviours which I think are generally rude and make people feel unwelcome in a group setting. I don't think I'm imagining this or being controlling.

Edited June 21, 2022 by Starry_eyed

[Starry_eyed]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why in the world would he want to hurt you?  Truthfully, if he wanted you all he has to do is ask you out and he hasn't made any moves in that direction.  All we're seeing in what you've written is a neighbor who is a friendly, cheerful, fun loving young man who gets along with everyone.  You are seeing more in his actions because you want more.  Yes it does seem that he has a bit of a crush on the younger woman and she is enjoying his attention since her bf isn't around because young girls like attention.  

I'm afraid you are imagining things and have wishful thinking.  You may think she's boring but he does not.  Also "banter" isn't really romantic talk, it's a teasing that can be done between friends or opposite sex, same sex, etc., relatives, and between strangers.  Unless it's sexual banter it's just friendly.  

He did start pulling back when you asked if he'd ever had a threesome.  I think at that point he realized you were looking at him in a sexual way and he backed off because he wants to keep your relationship neighborly.  I think if you were to talk to him about it, it will be very awkward afterwards.  I think it's good you are dating other men so you can put this crush behind you.

He is potentially hurting me because he doesn't know how to handle his emotions, feels rejected perhaps, I really can't say for sure but I think he tried to make his moves and I'm trusting my gut on this one, I'm limited to text on here and not always great at breaking down how I reached the conclusion but now as time has passed I'm pretty sure he was trying to build a friendship, hoping I would end up liking him. When I had problems in my room, he offered for me to work in his room, he said he would swap and sleep in the room with issues so I didn't have to sleep there. The way he looked at me, the way he would try to find opportunities to get close. I just have to trust my gut.

The threesome thing, honestly, he talks about all kinds of things very liberally, sex, his toileting habits etc lol, it really was not as out of place as you might think. Maybe if he liked me he was put off at that point though, who knows.

Edited June 21, 2022 by Starry_eyed

[glows]

1 minute ago, Starry_eyed said:

I feel bad for saying she is quite boring, she's not. It's not so much an issue whether he likes her or not anymore, it's also not about me wanting our 1:1 thing anymore. I learnt that's not good. As the time has passed I'm alright with us just hanging in a group occasionally (if at all) moving forward. Maybe their friendship could blossom into more and I wouldn't be able to feel negative towards them, maybe it doesn't and they're friends. I suppose she isn't part of my issue. The issue is we have lost our friendship out of nowhere, he never messages me anymore and makes me feel really left out in group settings - I can rationalise the ways in which he does that so I don't think I'm being irrational, imagining or led by emotion in thinking this. That maybe makes it hard for me to be happy for them right now because I'm still letting go. I will get over the loss of friendship but currently it makes being in a group difficult when he is clearly bonding with her a lot and he demonstrates that in a way that explicitly leaves me out. He invited her to look at something in his room after and I was sat there, he showed her pics and ignored me, they were joking about stuff and didn’t include me so I didn't understand. He was always inclusive before and I just want him to stop that kind of behaviour, they're the kinds of behaviours which I think are generally rude and make people feel unwelcome in a group setting. I don't think I'm imagining this or being controlling.

This may have more to do with not feeling welcome then in your usual friend group or among your neighbours. The world doesn't revolve around this man though. You're giving him all that attention and in the process also forgetting perhaps others who are more worthy of your time. 

Do you have others that you usually hang out or speak with when you're home or in the area? 

Staying too hyperfocused on what he's doing is a real waste of your energy, life, time. Life is so short. Why spend it on people who don't appreciate you? You've tried talking with him and he's made a dry comment about you being controlling. Do you want to disagree with him about it and have a conversation or move on from this and live your life? Is it worth fussing over this much? 

[Starry_eyed]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

What I've taken from all of this is - if he is doing this (being a jerk) to make you jealous or hurt you, two things - 1. He's not a nice person or friend, so knowing that, consider yourself to have dodged a bullet. 2. It is working in his favor and giving him exactly what he wants because of how much it is bothering you. Don't let him have so much of your precious headspace. In your initial post, you said he is not someone you would be interested in dating, so just pay him very little mind moving forward. Let the girl who is his age have him. They both clearly have some growing up to do. Be pleasant around them and do not show any signs that this has bothered you and it will eventually fade away.

This all makes sense, I need the emotional attachment to fade because that is causing me to feel like I want to talk to him because I still care. I just can't believe how long it is taking me. Feels like a mini breakup, I think it is also because of covid and probably because I have not spent much time with a guy since early 2019 then when this happened I just got really intensely involved without realising it until it was too late.