10 years younger - does he like me?

[Starry_eyed]

47 minutes ago, glows said:

This may have more to do with not feeling welcome then in your usual friend group or among your neighbours. The world doesn't revolve around this man though. You're giving him all that attention and in the process also forgetting perhaps others who are more worthy of your time. 

Do you have others that you usually hang out or speak with when you're home or in the area? 

Staying too hyperfocused on what he's doing is a real waste of your energy, life, time. Life is so short. Why spend it on people who don't appreciate you? You've tried talking with him and he's made a dry comment about you being controlling. Do you want to disagree with him about it and have a conversation or move on from this and live your life? Is it worth fussing over this much? 

Yeah, a big part is about not feeling welcome, sometimes it is an internal insecurity but in this case I feel it is a reflection of others and how included they make you feel or not feel. It coincided with when I moved out so I was probably worried about how that might change the dynamic of friendships and this situation is playing out that way.

I know what you mean about people worthy of my time, life is short, I feel like a slave to my emotions and that is so frustrating. It makes rational sense yet my feelings aren't fully caught up yet. I'm trying to force myself at the moment, going out, eating well, exercising, even tried mindfulness last night before bed but my brain will not stop. It was more raw then after seeing them, I'm a little better today.

I have a few good, local friends but one is off travelling for a few weeks and the other friend is off on holiday this weekend. I have one good friend who is is around but she is far away and busy with a PhD deadline at the moment. I really could do with a comforting hug and can't wait to see one of them soon.

I suppose on one hand I want to feel empowered enough to speak my truth, ask him if he is okay, why he has been distant. I don't want to explore that too much because I don't really want to go back to our old friendship or pursue anything potentially romantic, just to warm up the conversation. I want to say that he made me feel left out in group situations and I was hurt by his controlling comment. Maybe he says sorry and I can make peace with it, or he doesn't say sorry and the conversation has potential to go South, and I close it politely. If it goes south, I don't need to hang out with him again, I can just arrange to meet with the girls if I want. If it goes well I can attend occasional group things when I'm over it. I feel like there is an elephant in the room and until that is addressed I feel like it will take forever for the elephant to fade out completely. I keep switching between thinking to text him for a cuppa with the aim to make peace and if he is not engaging with me/being impolite I will close things calmly and feel better about moving forward without him in my life.

Edited June 21, 2022 by Starry_eyed

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

You've tried talking with him and he's made a dry comment about you being controlling.

 

37 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

He invited her to look at something in his room after and we always do things as a group but he didn't invite me, he showed her pics and ignored me, they were joking about stuff and didn’t include me so I didn't understand. He was always inclusive before and I just want him to stop that kind of behaviour, they're the kinds of behaviours which I think are generally rude and make people feel unwelcome in a group setting. I don't think I'm imagining this or being controlling.

When you say "as a group" how many other people are in this group?  I do feel it is a bit controlling to be upset about him wanting to show her something he doesn't show you and to feel ignored because they are joking about stuff and not including you.  Aren't you friends with others in this group?  It sound like they are the youngest ones in the group so naturally they will have more in common.  Maybe he was showing her something they had previously talked about, who knows.  If he made the comment about you being controlling he feels that is what you're doing and pulling away because he doesn't want that from you.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

he wouldn't be acting this way if he was focused on her.

I have to disagree there. He seems to want her attention, and I don't think that has anything to do with you. Meaning, I doubt very much that he is putting on a big show of being closer to her just to spite you. He seems to genuinely have a little crush on her.

9 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

I think he feels rejected and his way of dealing with it is to hurt me

I'm not clear why you think this. I don't see where you actually rejected him, nor where he ever really made a move on you. 

It appears you think all of their behaviour is a direct reaction to you, but I think they are just doing their thing and getting closer without any hidden agenda. While it sucks to watch someone you like put up a boudary while at the same time showing signs of interest in someone else, I don't think these people are setting out to hurt you. I do, however, think you are overly-sensitive to this and seeing every interaction through a filter of pain and suspicion - and yes, jealousy. It doesn't mean your feelings are an accrurate reflection of theirs, though. 

[glows]

17 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

Yeah, a big part is about not feeling welcome, sometimes it is an internal insecurity but in this case I feel it is a reflection of others and how included they make you feel or not feel. It coincided with when I moved out so I was probably worried about how that might change the dynamic of friendships and this situation is playing out that way.

I know what you mean about people worthy of my time, life is short, I feel like a slave to my emotions and that is so frustrating. It makes rational sense yet my feelings aren't fully caught up yet. I'm trying to force myself at the moment, going out, eating well, exercising, even tried mindfulness last night before bed but my brain will not stop. It was more raw then after seeing them, I'm a little better today.

I have a few good, local friends but one is off travelling for a few weeks and the other friend is off on holiday this weekend. I have one good friend who is is around but she is far away and busy with a PhD deadline at the moment. I really could do with a comforting hug and can't wait to see one of them soon.

I suppose on one hand I want to feel empowered enough to speak my truth, ask him if he is okay, why he has been distant. I don't want to explore that too much because I don't really want to go back to our old friendship or pursue anything potentially romantic, just to warm up the conversation. I want to say that he made me feel left out in group situations and I was hurt by his controlling comment. Maybe he says sorry and I can make peace with it, or he doesn't say sorry and the conversation has potential to go South, and I close it politely. If it goes south, I don't need to hang out with him again, I can just arrange to meet with the girls if I want. If it goes well I can attend occasional group things when I'm over it. I feel like there is an elephant in the room and until that is addressed I feel like it will take forever for the elephant to fade out completely. I keep switching between thinking to text him for a cuppa with the aim to make peace and if he is not engaging with me/being impolite I will close things calmly and feel better about moving forward without him in my life.

I doubt the attempt to make peace will be interpreted as a friendly one if he’s thought at any point that you may be controlling. I know you’re rationalizing perhaps an ideal situation for yourself but it sounds more to me that pulling away and doing your own thing (not involving these individuals) is the best thing to do. Let the dust settle for awhile and let them come to you. If he hadn’t made that comment about you being interpreted as controlling in any way I’d be more inclined to thinking having a conversation would be a good idea but I don’t think that would be the case. I can see how you feel empowered speaking your mind but it may be at the detriment of others who find it uncomfortable and unwelcome. 

The irony here also is that you may not be the only one who feels unwelcome in the living areas. Let go and don’t pay them any attention anymore. If you cross paths at the door or in the common living areas be friendly and say hello but I wouldn’t stay to make conversation. They don’t owe you anything - to make you feel welcome. It goes against your values or what you like/prefer but in reality no one owes you a thing. 

Keep in mind you’re seeing them as they are also as people. If you disagree with the way they behave or think they are immature/unwelcome just leave it. You can’t change who they are. I’d continue meeting other friends, reconnect with old friends and see your other friend when she gets back. Stay in touch with your hobbies and focus less on these two. 

[basil67]

On 6/21/2022 at 7:09 PM, Starry_eyed said:

What hurts too is that the girl hasn't asked me what is going on and also seemed to be not helping to heal the division between us, maybe she can't see it or maybe she likes his attention and has no interest in me and the guy being good with me. Maybe he told her something. 

You've received some great advice, but I want to just touch on this.  Kindly, she's wise to stay out of this.   Getting involved or playing peacekeeper among can backfire and there's a strong chance she would regret ever getting involved.    She's likely just minding her own business and leaving the two of you to sort it out - as she should be. 

[stillafool]

Also the girl may not even realize there's a problem between you and the guy.  She doesn't know you like him or thinking he's purposely ignoring you.  Even if she did why would she want to get involved to heal your rift with him. They're 22 years old, I doubt either of them even realize there's a problem going on.

Edited June 22, 2022 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Even if she did why would she want to get involved to heal your rift with him.

Exactly. It's not her job to manage your friendship with him, OP.