Heartbroken

[Faith15]

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 2 years…. We were friends many years prior..  it started with the first year him sending me love letters daily, planning next visit, sending flowers once/ week talking about our future getting married and traveling the world ..wanting to meet my kids … fast forward 2 years, he talks about all the trips he’s going on with his male friends , saying he’s not sure about what he wants in the future….  Not sure he ever wants to get married, doesn’t want to have to ask a woman about traveling, having freedom to do whatever he wants travel and where he spends money, doesn’t really want to get to know my kids now… he says he loves me, likes things exactly how they are…. But not certain about the future.   I in turn want a life partner as my kids are about to graduate high school in few years….  Would have hoped he saw a long term future as he did.. feel like I’m wasting precious time, heart hurts.  I called it off today.   It’s hard to walk away from someone you love.  Did I do the right thing?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Faith15 said:

I called it off today.   It’s hard to walk away from someone you love.  Did I do the right thing?

Yes, because he was more or less telling you he wanted out anyway. He was likely hoping you would do exactly what you did (break it off) so he wouldn't have to shoulder the guilt of doing so himself. 

In these last two years, how much time have you spent together in person? 

 

[Faith15]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, because he was more or less telling you he wanted out anyway. He was likely hoping you would do exactly what you did (break it off) so he wouldn't have to shoulder the guilt of doing so himself. 

In these last two years, how much time have you spent together in person? 

 

I-2x per month for weekends 

[Faith15]

Just now, Faith15 said:

I-2x per month for weekends 

He says he wants to stay together / make it work but doesn’t know if he sees a long term future (or marriage) with me.. or even living in same state…to me that just makes me feel cheap 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Faith15 said:

He says he wants to stay together / make it work but doesn’t know if he sees a long term future (or marriage) with me.. or even living in same state…

There is no point staying together and no way to "make it work" if you don't want the same future. 

And you indeed don't want the same future anymore. Don't bother accepting his consolation prize. It won't lead to happiness. 

[Faith15]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There is no point staying together and no way to "make it work" if you don't want the same future. 

And you indeed don't want the same future anymore. Don't bother accepting his consolation prize. It won't lead to happiness. 

I know you are right.. why I finally ripped off the bandaid but I do just adore him, our friendship, thought in the beginning we shared similar life goals… but mine stayed the same and his changed.  The longer I stayed and would hear same things over and over My heart just kept breaking.. again and again and again.  My mom used to tell me I stick w things / people and I need to hear them the first time.   I guess I thought maybe he would change his mind…. Probably he just doesn’t see a future with me…. 

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, Faith15 said:

I guess I thought maybe he would change his mind…. Probably he just doesn’t see a future with me….

No he won't change his mind and that is why he bluntly told you the truth so you wouldn't expect anything.  Never stay with a man hoping he will change.  2 weekends a month is not a lot of time together when you're a couple so he's used to having a lot of time to do the things he wants and doesn't want that to change.  Of course he doesn't mind only seeing you one or two times a month and then going about his business.  You most definitely did the right thiing by ending it.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Faith15 said:

He says he wants to stay together / make it work but doesn’t know if he sees a long term future (or marriage) with me.. or even living in same state…to me that just makes me feel cheap 

Sorry this is happening. Sounds like he wants the status quo of casual and just visiting each other but wishes to maintain his freedom, not work on what you want to work on (building a future).

[Faith15]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Sounds like he wants the status quo of casual and just visiting each other but wishes to maintain his freedom, not work on what you want to work on (building a future).

Yes exactly what he wants.  Totally different than guy I fell in love with 2 years ago… I wouldn’t even date this one with those intentions …. I can’t believe I stayed in it for so much longer than I should… he literally told me 6 months ago feeling this way.   Oh and when we finally broke up today.. he said “I hope you’re married in 2 years to someone nice”… I want a guy that’s thinking “pick me “.  Depressing day… but proud of myself for having the courage to finally leave.

[Faith15]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

No he won't change his mind and that is why he bluntly told you the truth so you wouldn't expect anything.  Never stay with a man hoping he will change.  2 weekends a month is not a lot of time together when you're a couple so he's used to having a lot of time to do the things he wants and doesn't want that to change.  Of course he doesn't mind only seeing you one or two times a month and then going about his business.  You most definitely did the right thiing by ending it.

Thank you.  I’m proud of myself for having the courage to finally make a choice but it’s painful today….   I guess I just need to tell myself ,  when they say something believe them the first time.  I’m such an idiot .

[Faith15]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There is no point staying together and no way to "make it work" if you don't want the same future. 

And you indeed don't want the same future anymore. Don't bother accepting his consolation prize. It won't lead to happiness. 

You’re right.  I haven’t been happy at all if I really look at it…. Just kept staying thinking a little more time.. we have a fabulous friendship and time when we are together but I’m getting older and it’s been two years so can’t waste anymore time in someone not serious about me

[Lotsgoingon]

He doesn't want to stay together. That's a  male fiction (sorry to pick up on my own tribe here) to soften the blow of breaking up with you.

He wants out. He's hoping you respond to his recent shares about wanting his freedom by saying, "I hear you on your need for freedom. Well you're a good person. I guess we we aren't meant for each other. You go on and be happy and I'll go on, and there are no hard feelings." He's trying to get you to say something like that. 

He's just being a coward. He wants to break up. at most you are merely a temporary, disposable holding pattern. Since he won't be spending much time with you and has backed out of any real commitment to you, that frees him to go out and meet other people. It's just a matter of time, probably a month of two, and he'll break it off fully. And get with a new person.

Did you dump him yet? Most likely you missed the signals along the way. It's time for you to learn the brutal lesson: when it comes to commitment, you don't want to even try to persuade someone to change. Expecting someone to change is utterly utterly foolish. Yes I've done it, so no shame to you but I learned the hard way and it appears you're having to learn the hard way too.

No persuading. The person has to fit with you and want to fit with you. Right now (not in the future)--as they are and as you are.

 

[glows]

13 hours ago, Faith15 said:

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 2 years…. We were friends many years prior..  it started with the first year him sending me love letters daily, planning next visit, sending flowers once/ week talking about our future getting married and traveling the world ..wanting to meet my kids … fast forward 2 years, he talks about all the trips he’s going on with his male friends , saying he’s not sure about what he wants in the future….  Not sure he ever wants to get married, doesn’t want to have to ask a woman about traveling, having freedom to do whatever he wants travel and where he spends money, doesn’t really want to get to know my kids now… he says he loves me, likes things exactly how they are…. But not certain about the future.   I in turn want a life partner as my kids are about to graduate high school in few years….  Would have hoped he saw a long term future as he did.. feel like I’m wasting precious time, heart hurts.  I called it off today.   It’s hard to walk away from someone you love.  Did I do the right thing?

Yes, you did the right thing. A partner who’s serious about you or firmly wants you in his life is going to be making it very clear he wants you in it and will do what it takes to be together. 
 

Edited June 6, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Faith15 said:

 I guess I just need to tell myself ,  when they say something believe them the first time.  I’m such an idiot .

You're not an idiot. 

You are human and were naturally hopeful that something would change for the better. It takes time for our hearts to catch up to our minds in these situations. But you're there now. It will hurt for a little while but you've made an excellent choice for yourself, in the end. 

[Faith15]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He doesn't want to stay together. That's a  male fiction (sorry to pick up on my own tribe here) to soften the blow of breaking up with you.

He wants out. He's hoping you respond to his recent shares about wanting his freedom by saying, "I hear you on your need for freedom. Well you're a good person. I guess we we aren't meant for each other. You go on and be happy and I'll go on, and there are no hard feelings." He's trying to get you to say something like that. 

He's just being a coward. He wants to break up. at most you are merely a temporary, disposable holding pattern. Since he won't be spending much time with you and has backed out of any real commitment to you, that frees him to go out and meet other people. It's just a matter of time, probably a month of two, and he'll break it off fully. And get with a new person.

Did you dump him yet? Most likely you missed the signals along the way. It's time for you to learn the brutal lesson: when it comes to commitment, you don't want to even try to persuade someone to change. Expecting someone to change is utterly utterly foolish. Yes I've done it, so no shame to you but I learned the hard way and it appears you're having to learn the hard way too.

No persuading. The person has to fit with you and want to fit with you. Right now (not in the future)--as they are and as you are.

 

Yep that’s pretty much what I said.. he said he wanted to make this work, he loves me but he can’t lie to me because he loves me too much and promise me a future.   I really felt I had no choice but to leave.  I stayed for 6-12 months since he told me this the first time…. When he talks about the future it’s about hunting trips to Alaska and his other hobbies .. I listened carefully… nothing was about me….  It’s funny because I know he loves me .  I suggested we maybe take a step back and date long distance and be open to perhaps dating others as he had no serious long term intentions (totally opposite of when we met btw .. he was talking about buying houses getting married on and on for a year..) but he said he couldn’t do that.   He wanted ti keep the relationship committed but wasn’t sure what he wanted in the future anymore…. I couldn’t stay another 6 months / year to someone that didn’t see a future .   It sucks.  Yesterday was the first day so one step at a time.   I feel like I finally made a decision in line w my head not my heart and committed to moving forward alone.   I don’t want to invest in a relationship where I am an option.  

[Faith15]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, you did the right thing. A partner who’s serious about you or firmly wants you in his life is going to be making it very clear he wants you in it and will do what it takes to be together. 
 

Thank you.  I gave him shot of excuses for way too long…. But I know in my heart when someone is serious you know it.   They step up.   I wouldn’t need to ask about the future… or have so many doubts all the time.   I was dating the guy year one in the relationship even though year 2 guy was completely opposite.  Why would I stay in a committed long term relationship who someone that was very clear I don’t know if I see a future with you.  At one point he even said if I wanted to marry you I would have asked already….😱. I feel mad at myself because I stayed way too long and also because I stayed with someone that my mom said was very clear about you and your kids and how he didn’t see a future.  I’m kicking myself now…. And still love him very much… miss all the daily banter even the text every morning that says “good morning beautiful”….  But I have to make different choices to maybe have different chances for finding my life partner .  I’ve been a single parent for my kids lives they are almost at college level ….  I’ve done my job raising them… I am so ready now to meet someone to spend the second half of my life with.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Faith15 said:

Thank you.  I gave him shot of excuses for way too long…. But I know in my heart when someone is serious you know it.   They step up.   I wouldn’t need to ask about the future… or have so many doubts all the time.   I was dating the guy year one in the relationship even though year 2 guy was completely opposite.  Why would I stay in a committed long term relationship who someone that was very clear I don’t know if I see a future with you.  At one point he even said if I wanted to marry you I would have asked already….😱. I feel mad at myself because I stayed way too long and also because I stayed with someone that my mom said was very clear about you and your kids and how he didn’t see a future.  I’m kicking myself now…. And still love him very much… miss all the daily banter even the text every morning that says “good morning beautiful”….  But I have to make different choices to maybe have different chances for finding my life partner .  I’ve been a single parent for my kids lives they are almost at college level ….  I’ve done my job raising them… I am so ready now to meet someone to spend the second half of my life with.

And you will. As soon as this man is out of your life. It’s difficult materializing long distance relationships into something more tangible.

It’s terrible being strung along but you’re strong enough now to read the writing on the wall and interpret his words clearly. Yes, when someone says they can’t see a future with you it means exactly that. It’s also cowardly that he didn’t just break up with you and told you this, leaving the decision to you to remove contact and end it. In retrospect is this really a partner whose character you can respect or stand beside for a lifetime? True colours have never been more blazingly clear. 

[Faith15]

Breakup….  I did it finally!!!  After 2 years in LDR and starting our year one with flowers every week love notes plans to see each other 1-2x/ week….  Then more and more he started saying he didn’t see marriage in future but loved me and wanted to do his adventures hunting and such w the guys…. I finally mustered every ounce of courage and said if you see no future we are done …. He had long marriage prior several years ago but didn’t want to be responsible for another woman even though I’m completely self sufficient and wanted to be selfish in his personal goals life without having to ask another person etc etc etc … I did great week 1 no contact but then saw him and basically went bat s*** crazy via test for three hours day 7 about everything….   We’ve talked since then about nothing to do w relationship and this morning I texted how I miss our morning calls etc etc he does too but I know there is no future.  I’m embarrassed how I’ve acted…. I sit looking at the phone all day again waiting for a text / call.  I somehow need to get away from all of this and yet we have mutual friends and embarrassed how poorly I acted via text letting it all out.   I know I have to leave but secretly I just hope he just shows up at my doorstep and begs for a future.  Insane I know.   Just dying here…. Any advice ?  I think I would tell you to just walk away , forgive yourself for the emotional crazy response and try to focus on it is the only decision you can make with a man who doesn’t see a future… but boy am I struggling … like feel like breakup started all over again … how do I get through this ???   I actually thought we would have a powerful partnership and life …

[Will am I]

Don't be embarrassed. You love the man, two years is a long time and he didn't do something so nasty that you are immediately over him. So you do what othert heartbroken people do. You recover slowly, stumbling and getting back up on your feet. 

 

The problem: he was never really available. After a long marriage with a painful ending he decided he doesn't want another relationship as deep. 

But not wanting to be in a relationship does not take away the desire for support, love, intimacy or sex. If anything the hurt from his previous break-up could have increased his desire for a pair of arms around him.

In the beginning your relationship was bliss. Because you were giving him excactly what he craved for and the "risk" of a committed relationship was comfortably far away.

 

Later on you (naturally) wanted more. Unfortunately he stayed behind in his emotions and did not open up to you. At one point you decided to stop spending your love and energy on a relationship with no future. That was probably a good decision, even if it doesn't always feel so.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Faith15 said:

 this morning I texted how I miss our morning calls etc etc he does too but I know there is no future. 

The best way to move forward is stay strong with your breakup and decision. Tell him it's not working out/over, then delete and block him from all your social media, messaging apps and devices. Entering an on/off situation will only prolong your pain and disappointment.