Perspectives on Dating a Co Parent as a Non Parent

[hopper90]

I am trying to gain some insight on dating someone who has kids and has to co parent with an ex. Some things I have come to understand is; if its cordial-the ex will be a fixture, its better for the co parents to get a long then not, her/his kids come first.

I understand every co parenting situation is different but since I don't have children of my own, I find that it is a complex situation to navigate. Is it simply, don't bother unless you have children of your own? I hope I can get some perspectives from everyone on this forum and I welcome any tips/criticisms. For me, I think I would be uncomfortable being a relationship with a co parent if they remain friends and share emotional/personal stuff with.  What boundaries would you look for between the co parents to feel comfortable? Is it a red flag if they spend a lot of time together as a family? In what situation would you remove yourself? These are just some questions off the top of my head but I feel like there are more questions/things I need to consider.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, hopper90 said:

I think I would be uncomfortable being a relationship with a co parent if they remain friends and share emotional/personal stuff with.  

As the BF, you have no standing so don't worry about what she and her ex are doing as far as raising their children. If there is too much drama observe that and step back accordingly.

Is this the same woman:

 

[Happy Lemming]

29 minutes ago, hopper90 said:

 but since I don't have children of my own...

 

30 minutes ago, hopper90 said:

 Is it simply, don't bother unless you have children of your own?

I think you hit the nail on the head... don't bother dating people with children if you have none.  Let the single dads date the single moms.

Plenty of people out there without children...  date them.

I have no children and that was deal breaker #1 on my list, if she had kids -- no thank you, next.

[glows]

Look for healthy boundaries and no animosity between co-parents. Their relationship has to be healthy for the kids and yes, discussions are about the kids and occasionally extend to family or gatherings. 

It becomes inappropriate when that relationship becomes too personal about their personal lives. 

You’ll have to gauge via case by case scenario on time spent as a family and how the family dynamics are. Be cautious and observant. That’s what dating is all about regardless of situation.

[hopper90]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Look for healthy boundaries and no animosity between co-parents. Their relationship has to be healthy for the kids and yes, discussions are about the kids and occasionally extend to family or gatherings. 

It becomes inappropriate when that relationship becomes too personal about their personal lives. 

You’ll have to gauge via case by case scenario on time spent as a family and how the family dynamics are. Be cautious and observant. That’s what dating is all about regardless of situation.

I get confused when, lets say there is a sporting event for the kids. Do I just say 'hi' and then let them sit and enjoy their kids activity and am i expected to sit separately? or borrowing each others vehicles/stuff? Helping out with household chores, if one of them is visiting the kids? Taking the kids to visit the parent because they work out of town? I guess I am not sure what healthy boundaries look like in this type of situation..

Edited June 6, 2022 by hopper90

[hopper90]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

As the BF, you have no standing so don't worry about what she and her ex are doing as far as raising their children. If there is too much drama observe that and step back accordingly.

Is this the same woman:

 

To some extent yes. I have already established my boundaries around dating a single mom but I thought I would ask for other opinions/experiences. Just to see if I am missing any obvious blind spots

Edited June 6, 2022 by hopper90

[glows]

26 minutes ago, hopper90 said:

I get confused when, lets say there is a sporting event for the kids. Do I just say 'hi' and then let them sit and enjoy their kids activity and am i expected to sit separately? or borrowing each others vehicles/stuff? Helping out with household chores, if one of them is visiting the kids? Taking the kids to visit the parent because they work out of town? I guess I am not sure what healthy boundaries look like in this type of situation..

How long have you been dating? If you’re invited you’re there as your SO’s partner so don’t be afraid to mingle and sit with them. It doesn’t have to be intimidating or awkward. Your partner, if vested in your relationship and just as interested, will be sensitive to your feelings. 

Observe more routines and if they seem scattered or chaotic, make peace that it’s not for you. Some people are better at planning or foreseeing issues and preventing inconveniencing others. I would not be pleased about the other parent not being able to deal with car trouble or household chores on their own. That’s a red flag. It has nothing to do with the kids.  

Edited June 6, 2022 by glows

[hopper90]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

How long have you been dating? If you’re invited you’re there as your SO’s partner so don’t be afraid to mingle and sit with them. It doesn’t have to be intimidating or awkward. Your partner, if vested in your relationship and just as interested, will be sensitive to your feelings. 

Observe more routines and if they seem scattered or chaotic, make peace that it’s not for you. Some people are better at planning or foreseeing issues and preventing inconveniencing others. I would not be pleased about the other parent not being able to deal with car trouble or household chores on their own. That’s a red flag. It has nothing to do with the kids.  

I am not dating anyone. But I guess I want to be able to ask the right questions and observe red flag actions so I catch them early on before committing to someone.

[glows]

18 minutes ago, hopper90 said:

I am not dating anyone. But I guess I want to be able to ask the right questions and observe red flag actions so I catch them early on before committing to someone.

You’re seeing whether their lifestyle and values match yours. If you’re certain or clear about what those are for yourself you won’t have any problems recognizing issues and choosing/weighing whether or not to broach topics or walk away.  
 

Edited June 6, 2022 by glows

[WebMain249]

We have been dating for a 1.5yrs. She's moving cities(city A) 2hrs away to make her co parenting arrangement work and to buy her first house in a cheaper area. I am 39, shes 32.

She wants to transition from her work in our current city(city B) until she is established in city A-which might be 6 months.

She asked me if if its ok for her to stay with me for the few days shes in city B, while she works. I said its fine. I do have a room mate, my brother. A few weeks later, she said that instead, she is going to park her brothers RV at her ex's place in city B. Her ex's house is fully rented and he wont be there and she said if he lived there that she would not park the RV there. I told her that it's weird but its up to her and inquired why the change of heart. She mentioned that she will be exhausted from work and wants the freedom to be messy, own space etc. Also, that staying with me and having sex with my brother a few doors down isn't ideal and that if I was living on my own it would be different. We have had sex in my house in the past. I am not ok with visiting her on her ex's property(he called the police last time I was there picking up kids with her). Is there a compromise?

I have a rental house that has space for an RV. Should I even bother with proposing this? I feel like she will forget all about what she said about my living situation when she wants to have sex. I guess I could move out but am saving up to buy a house.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, WebMain249 said:

Also, that staying with me and having sex with my brother a few doors down isn't ideal and that if I was living on my own it would be different. We have had sex in my house in the past.

With your brother present in the home?

Yes, it would be very different if you were living on your own - even just because she can be messy and walk around in her pyjamas, etc…

I don’t know what the compromise is - I wouldn’t be eager to visit her at her ex’s place and I wouldn’t be particularly thrilled that she is staying there. You are not wrong to feel this way - 

I wish you luck in working this out. Complicated relationships are hard. 

 

[glows]

6 hours ago, WebMain249 said:

We have been dating for a 1.5yrs. She's moving cities(city A) 2hrs away to make her co parenting arrangement work and to buy her first house in a cheaper area. I am 39, shes 32.

She wants to transition from her work in our current city(city B) until she is established in city A-which might be 6 months.

She asked me if if its ok for her to stay with me for the few days shes in city B, while she works. I said its fine. I do have a room mate, my brother. A few weeks later, she said that instead, she is going to park her brothers RV at her ex's place in city B. Her ex's house is fully rented and he wont be there and she said if he lived there that she would not park the RV there. I told her that it's weird but its up to her and inquired why the change of heart. She mentioned that she will be exhausted from work and wants the freedom to be messy, own space etc. Also, that staying with me and having sex with my brother a few doors down isn't ideal and that if I was living on my own it would be different. We have had sex in my house in the past. I am not ok with visiting her on her ex's property(he called the police last time I was there picking up kids with her). Is there a compromise?

I have a rental house that has space for an RV. Should I even bother with proposing this? I feel like she will forget all about what she said about my living situation when she wants to have sex. I guess I could move out but am saving up to buy a house.

Is her ex aware that she’s parking on his property? Why did he call the police when you were with her picking up her kids? There’s a lot left out so more info for context would help. 

Overall it’s understandable you feel uncomfortable but there’s also a lot that’s uncertain about your future with her. She has to do what’s best for her kids and herself. I wouldn’t rush into thinking she’s a match for you with this much uncertainty regarding her living situation.

Step back a bit and let things unfold. It’s nice of you to offer her a place to park and that’s up to you but I wouldn’t been too keen about letting her use your rental house if someone is living there as she could be a nuisance and disruptive to your renters. If it’s empty now it may be lost income to you if she doesn’t ever leave. It sounds like you’re taking her word for it that it’s short term. I wouldn’t be so trusting due to how up in the air everything is with her. 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, WebMain249 said:

I have a rental house that has space for an RV. Should I even bother with proposing this? I feel like she will forget all about what she said about my living situation when she wants to have sex. I guess I could move out but am saving up to buy a house.

Is it correct that she can park her RV at your rental house? Is the RV where she plans to reside temporarily?

If so, what's preventing you from extending that offer? Do you live in city a or city b?

Then you will have the privacy to be intimate in her RV, no?

Unless it is due to logistics of her work commute, I see no reason why she can't park her RV there instead of her ex's.

Do you occupy the rental house? If not, why aren't you renting it out or living there yourself?

 

 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by Alpacalia

[WebMain249]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Is her ex aware that she’s parking on his property? Why did he call the police when you were with her picking up her kids? There’s a lot left out so more info for context would help. 

Overall it’s understandable you feel uncomfortable but there’s also a lot that’s uncertain about your future with her. She has to do what’s best for her kids and herself. I wouldn’t rush into thinking she’s a match for you with this much uncertainty regarding her living situation.

Step back a bit and let things unfold. It’s nice of you to offer her a place to park and that’s up to you but I wouldn’t been too keen about letting her use your rental house if someone is living there as she could be a nuisance and disruptive to your renters. If it’s empty now it may be lost income to you if she doesn’t ever leave. It sounds like you’re taking her word for it that it’s short term. I wouldn’t be so trusting due to how up in the air everything is with her. 

 

Some background:Her ex has/was never been accepting that she moved on. I did my best to say hi the few times I saw him in the 1.5yrs. He hit on her and vented his emotions multiple times to her. I told her I was not ok with this. For the most part she did ok to not play into this.

One day she and I went to pick the kids up from his house and I was driving her car. Although it was registered and insured under his name. I did not know this. He told me in the driveway that he has no respect for me and as we left proceeded to call the police information line to see if he could report the car stolen. The same day she parked the car in his drive way and told him that if its his car, he can have it. Weeks later she took it back-which to me was like wtf? We hit a rocky patch shortly thereafter and took a break for her to sort her stuff out. Now shes filed separation papers, has been going to counseling, attending a AA type group. We're taking things slow.

When I hear stuff like parking an RV in the ex's driveway (even though he wont be living there) it makes me think there's still an emotional investment or patterns of the past. In the past, she would constantly reassure me that there's nothing there but there were emotional blow ups during divorce talks. Shes hinted at the fact she feels trapped, in that, she can't rock the boat too much otherwise he will withdraw his communication/support(he's done this before).

I am doing my best to stay out of it and stick to my boundaries.

[WebMain249]

25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Is it correct that she can park her RV at your rental house? Is the RV where she plans to reside temporarily?

If so, what's preventing you from extending that offer? Do you live in city a or city b?

Then you will have the privacy to be intimate in her RV, no?

Unless it is due to logistics of her work commute, I see no reason why she can't park her RV there instead of her ex's.

Do you occupy the rental house? If not, why aren't you renting it out or living there yourself?

 

She can park the RV at my rental. Maybe she never thought of this. She might think she will be a burden to my tenants but they would be totally ok with it. Maybe she thinks it doesn't tie me to her if things go sour but she could move it to her ex's if it did. Maybe she wants to park it there to appease him. I dont know. I should find out. In situation like this in the past, she would say 'one person wont be happy and I feel like im caught in the middle'.

I live in city B and her work is 5-7 mins from my rental, she would be here 3 days a week.

I do not occupy the rental. It's a rather large home for 1 person but I suppose I could, I thought I could save up in the next 6-12months and purchase another home, something smaller.

I think what it comes down to is the fact that she sees her ex a lot more than me currently and if she is in a bind or needs help he's the go to. In some areas she sounds like shes doing better but there still seems like enmeshment. I know she's working at not be so reliant on him but I guess I scratch my head at straightforward stuff like parking an RV somewhere other than the ex's.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, WebMain249 said:

 

If it does not put you in a financially difficult position, or otherwise, then it would make sense. HOWEVER. It makes me wonder, though, if providing her with a place at your rental would just invite unnecessary drama surrounding the "ex."

The importance of keeping tenants in mind cannot be overstated.

She seems still too dependent on him and it seems like her ex wants to give you a hard time. Given his continued attachment to her, I can understand your anxiety. Please don't consider that as a reason for wanting to offer RV space.

As a matter of course, she should strive to maintain good relations with her ex, as he is the father of her children. However, that does not mean she needs to rely on him for every decision she makes. Sounds like she hasn't severed the ex cord.

Feeling unsettled is understandable. It sounds quite complex, as someone mentioned. 

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, WebMain249 said:

 

Some background:Her ex has/was never been accepting that she moved on. I did my best to say hi the few times I saw him in the 1.5yrs. He hit on her and vented his emotions multiple times to her. I told her I was not ok with this. For the most part she did ok to not play into this.

One day she and I went to pick the kids up from his house and I was driving her car. Although it was registered and insured under his name. I did not know this. He told me in the driveway that he has no respect for me and as we left proceeded to call the police information line to see if he could report the car stolen. The same day she parked the car in his drive way and told him that if its his car, he can have it. Weeks later she took it back-which to me was like wtf? We hit a rocky patch shortly thereafter and took a break for her to sort her stuff out. Now shes filed separation papers, has been going to counseling, attending a AA type group. We're taking things slow.

When I hear stuff like parking an RV in the ex's driveway (even though he wont be living there) it makes me think there's still an emotional investment or patterns of the past. In the past, she would constantly reassure me that there's nothing there but there were emotional blow ups during divorce talks. Shes hinted at the fact she feels trapped, in that, she can't rock the boat too much otherwise he will withdraw his communication/support(he's done this before).

I am doing my best to stay out of it and stick to my boundaries.

 

49 minutes ago, WebMain249 said:

I think what it comes down to is the fact that she sees her ex a lot more than me currently and if she is in a bind or needs help he's the go to. In some areas she sounds like shes doing better but there still seems like enmeshment. I know she's working at not be so reliant on him but I guess I scratch my head at straightforward stuff like parking an RV somewhere other than the ex's.

It’s what I thought initially reading your OP. Her life is uncertain and unsettled. Unfortunately you’re getting too deep in a situation that is a lot of hassle and heartache due to problems with honesty and being open. How could she not know the car was his or insured in his name or not care and put you in such a position? I’m sorry you’re feeling torn. 

I wouldn’t proceed. It would be tough to justify any romance with someone still working out these arrangements and a relationship with an ex that’s volatile.
 

Edited September 26, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, WebMain249 said:

 shes filed separation papers, has been going to counseling, attending a AA type group. 

You may want to reconsider ruining your life with someone like this. Do you really want the cops called on you for someone who's still married and has alcohol problems?

[WebMain249]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You may want to reconsider ruining your life with someone like this. Do you really want the cops called on you for someone who's still married and has alcohol problems?

She is not addicted to alcohol. I worded it wrong, it s a support group, not AA.

 

19 hours ago, glows said:

It would be tough to justify any romance with someone still working out these arrangements and a relationship with an ex that’s volatile

She said she is willing to go therapy with me. It definitely is two different perspectives. As she thinks its no big deal to (for example) park an RV at his place as its platonic because she is no longer romantically interested in him. But it comes down to feelings of safety, comfort and security and it seems like she still seeks that from him. I don't plan on starting anything serious like we had, until down the line but I still need to evaluate the actions/behaviors in front of me. I should point out that I did tell her that being friends with the ex is not ok with me. She probably doesn't see this as something friends do for one another.

 

20 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Given his continued attachment to her, I can understand your anxiety. Please don't consider that as a reason for wanting to offer RV space.

Maybe she never thought of my rental? But then again, I think its a familiarity with the marital home, even though he wont be there.

 

I guess I am torn on whether or not to bring up the topic of what I see as similar patterns/behaviors/enmeshment, since we aren't serious. I know she is trying to make things work and wants to get a long well with the ex but boundaries are blurred from my pov.

[glows]

1 hour ago, WebMain249 said:

I don't plan on starting anything serious like we had, until down the line but I still need to evaluate the actions/behaviors in front of me. I should point out that I did tell her that being friends with the ex is not ok with me. She probably doesn't see this as something friends do for one another.

 

I agree. And it’s good of you to be reevaluating. She may say all the things you want to hear but it doesn’t change anything about her present situation or what she’s juggling at this time. 

You’ve talked about her ex and she may say a few words here and there to keep your worries at bay for a few hours. At 1.5 years is when the rose coloured lenses start to come off as you see someone as they are and not with the initial phases of attraction. 

In the midst of all this focus on her and her ex I’d like to gently suggest you also turn the focus back to you and your life or where you see yourself going/what your needs are in a relationship. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by glows

[WebMain249]

52 minutes ago, glows said:

I agree. And it’s good of you to be reevaluating. She may say all the things you want to hear but it doesn’t change anything about her present situation or what she’s juggling at this time. 

You’ve talked about her ex and she may say a few words here and there to keep your worries at bay for a few hours. At 1.5 years is when the rose coloured lenses start to come off as you see someone as they are and not with the initial phases of attraction. 

In the midst of all this focus on her and her ex I’d like to gently suggest you also turn the focus back to you and your life or where you see yourself going/what your needs are in a relationship. 

She has said as much that things are ok with her and the ex but I think thats only because I am not hanging out with the kids anymore and he is now the only male support in her and the kids life.

Thank you for the reminder about my relationship goals. Its why I think reinstating my boundaries with what I see in this dynamic,  important for myself. Its good practice as well for future situations. I can't control what she does but I have to do whats best for me, if a compromise cant be reached.

Edited September 27, 2022 by WebMain249

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, WebMain249 said:

I worded it wrong, it s a support group, not AA.

May I ask, if you don't mind me asking, what is the nature of this support group? 

20 hours ago, WebMain249 said:

I guess I am torn on whether or not to bring up the topic of what I see as similar patterns/behaviors/enmeshment, since we aren't serious. I know she is trying to make things work and wants to get a long well with the ex but boundaries are blurred from my pov.

I hear you.

Yes, it sounds like boundaries are blurred with her and her ex.

Driving his car, parking her RV at his house.

In any case, I think it's a good idea to let her sort out her affairs. That may mean you have to take a step back.  Don't let yourself get wedged in between it.

 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

22 hours ago, WebMain249 said:

She has said as much that things are ok with her and the ex but I think thats only because I am not hanging out with the kids anymore and he is now the only male support in her and the kids life.

Thank you for the reminder about my relationship goals. Its why I think reinstating my boundaries with what I see in this dynamic,  important for myself. Its good practice as well for future situations. I can't control what she does but I have to do whats best for me, if a compromise cant be reached.

Those boundaries also help navigate and prevent a person from overextending. You were going to let her park on your property and use that space. In reality she is tied up with other issues and is able to solve her own problems. This just isn’t a good time to be involved with someone like this who is still working out coparenting and shared custody. Speaking of boundaries she doesn’t seem to have them established with her ex either. This affects you or anyone else she dates.

[Creative29]

My gf and I have been together for over 2 years. She has 2 kids previous and going through a divorce. She's pregnant with my child. She lives 1.5 hrs away and stays with me when she works in my town.

My parents have never approved of our relationship and recently I told them about the pregnancy. They weren't happy and they didn't change their views. I told them to think about their future grandchild and to meet my gf to which my dad said 'we'll talk about it'.

After telling my gf the news she said that I should of been more excited about us/the pregnancy and to tell them that Im happy and it doesn't really matter what they think. I have told her that it doesn't matter and I don't want them to have a relationship with our kid if they aren't willing to meet my gf. My parents approval doesn't matter to me but she felt like I was vying for it during my conversation with them.

This brought about an underlying theme about masculine energy and her needing to be taken care of and she feels like she's doing the heavy lifting in the relationship, telling us what to do and when, how I should feel etc. I told her that it's not as easy as me leading everything as she has to take into consideration her kids, co-parenting etc. I have tried to lead in important areas such moving in together or me moving to the same town and she has just countered with alternatives which I thought is fine.

I can understand her point about me not handling my parents conversation about being super excited telling them about the pregnancy. I thought I have been ok defending her and our relationship thus far. 

I have asked her what she needs and she told me that I should just know what to do because she's pregnant and it's an energy thing that she gets from me that she's always the one initiating. She told me she feels like I'm not excited for our baby.

[BrinnM]

10 minutes ago, Creative29 said:

about me not handling my parents conversation about being super excited telling them about the pregnancy.

 

10 minutes ago, Creative29 said:

She told me she feels like I'm not excited for our baby.

Well, are you? Did you want to become a father during this stage of your life? How old are you?

Your parents’ reluctance can stem from multiple things: your age, how secure and independent you are in your life given your career & income, the fact that’s she’s already got 2 kids and isn’t divorced yet, etc. If these are some of the factors, I can totally understand your parents. They want your best, and this pregnancy “sounds” a little bit unplanned. No parent wants an unplanned pregnancy for their child. You are also long-distance, which makes it more difficult.

I understand your GF’s perspective as well, of course. She is pregnant with your child and needs you to step up to the plate, and be supportive in all aspects of life. However, big decisions like where to live and what house to buy/rent must be made together as a couple. She can’t just rely on you for that.