Perspectives on Dating a Co Parent as a Non Parent

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Creative29 said:

 She has 2 kids previous and going through a divorce. She's pregnant with my child. She lives 1.5 hrs away 

Agree she seems to both be trying to accelerate the relationship and at the same time stall things out.

She is still in the throes of divorce. Does she live with the husband?

Unfortunately there are a few obstacles such as distance and her children/coparenting and her pending divorce. 

All you can do is continue to make suggestions and see if you can reach a viable solution to the distance and coparenting.

As adults your parents don't have to jump for joy, so just keep doing what you're doing and inform them of facts but don't try to make them accept the situation until they come to their own conclusions.

Edited February 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Do you live with your parents? Why mention the conversation with them to your gf at all? It’s bound to cause all kinds of hurt feelings.

Do you feel like you need more support? Why not join a local parents to be group and make new friends? Join in for individual counselling also and talk about the stress you feel in the privacy of a counselling session. 

There are undoubtably individuals who believe in masculine and feminine energy but I think it’s sexist and dated. She may be referring to you not being proactive enough. Be proactive and take care of your mental and emotional health. She’s also nitpicking at you for not being happy but you cannot force someone to smile and put on a show.

Come back to one another and ask how the other is feeling and then plan your future. Why is she living so far away and traveling like this while pregnant with two kids? Is it your intention to eventually move to where she is? Are you not going to marry her or work on shared living accommodations? Where is she in her divorce? 

[Creative29]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Do you live with your parents? Why mention the conversation with them to your gf at all? It’s bound to cause all kinds of hurt feelings.

Do you feel like you need more support? Why not join a local parents to be group and make new friends? Join in for individual counselling also and talk about the stress you feel in the privacy of a counselling session. 

There are undoubtably individuals who believe in masculine and feminine energy but I think it’s sexist and dated. She may be referring to you not being proactive enough. Be proactive and take care of your mental and emotional health. She’s also nitpicking at you for not being happy but you cannot force someone to smile and put on a show.

Come back to one another and ask how the other is feeling and then plan your future. Why is she living so far away and traveling like this while pregnant with two kids? Is it your intention to eventually move to where she is? Are you not going to marry her or work on shared living accommodations? Where is she in her divorce? 

I feel like this masculine energy thing stems from her being a single mom in the past and having to do everything. I don't live with my parents. So I shouldn't share any future conversations my parents and I have about my gf and I?

I am happy. It almost sounds like I need to be jumping for joy 24/7 according to her but i my words fall flat according to her, as it's a feeling she gets from me. She did say I can initiate more physical affection, as far as being proactive. But yes, thank you for the reminder to look after my self. 

She moved away due to her co-parent taking a job in another town 6months ago and I said that I would move to make it work, so we planned for this summer's end. We are planning to move in together. Currently, she travels to my town for work but that comes to an end in june. I fully plan on marrying her but I told myself that I will wait until her divorce is final. 

When I think proactive I think mainly of assuming some of her financial obligations. For example, money owing to her ex for a car and other stufff. However, I don't think this is what she means by being proactive. I find it hard not being in the same town as I have to plan a visit due to work/distance. I drove up last week after work early in the morning, slept in my car until she was ready to hang out.

They live separate and they have met many times to talk about divorce, up until a few months ago. I should add her ex isn't over her. Last I heard was that it's mostly done but it sounds like a lot more needs to be done. I asked for an update a few weeks ago and she got defensive about how she's dealing with a lot right now. It sucks for her since she has been the one initiating all the talks. I understand how that can be draining.

[Creative29]

3 hours ago, BrinnM said:

She is pregnant with your child and needs you to step up to the plate, and be supportive in all aspects of life.

This is where I am lost currently. She has some financial obligations tied to her divorce/ex that I have been contemplating taking on. At the same time I don't want muddy a divorce but it could help clear it up? Should I take care of some of her household bills like utility? Can you expand on what you mean?

I am emotionally supportive, holding her and being there when she's going through emotional moments. I think I can initiate more affection though.

[BrinnM]

No, I don’t think you should take care of her financially. At all. You can do that once you’re married and living together. 
She needs to get done with this divorce, Pronto.

Why is her husband dragging it out, when she’s already pregnant with somebody else’s child?

 

 

[Els]

People who are pregnant go through an enormous spike of hormones - estrogen increases by literally 100-200 times of the baseline. To put this into perspective, the most rigorous testosterone supplementation regimens for low T typically only increase T by at most 2 times, with quite significant effects on mood and behaviour. 

I'm not saying this to diminish her concerns in any way, but to explain to you that emotions and negative thoughts can be amplified with such immense hormonal fluctuations, so you do have to give a lot of thought and care towards the physical, mental, and emotional state that she is in at the moment. And yes, that might involve making gestures that you might perceive as over the top (e.g. in terms of affection), and being more careful about what you say, especially if it's something that she really can't do anything about.

This is why, even if you both want a child together, it's generally a good idea to only have one when your relationship is strong and you are in a good place together. You need to have a solid foundation to weather issues like this.

I'm not sure that there's much that can be done with the situation until her divorce goes through, though.

Edited February 18, 2023 by Els

[Creative29]

2 hours ago, BrinnM said:

She needs to get done with this divorce, Pronto.

I think I will check where this at. She already knows this though.

2 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Why is her husband dragging it out, when she’s already pregnant with somebody else’s child?

He's not over her. They have been split for nearly 3 years(previously together for 5).

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Creative29 said:

I have asked her what she needs and she told me that I should just know what to do because she's pregnant and it's an energy thing that she gets from me that she's always the one initiating. She told me she feels like I'm not excited for our baby.

This is ridiculous.  How are you supposed to know what she needs and wants without her telling you?  Where is the father of her other kids?  Is he involved in their life?  She's still married to someone else while pregnant by you and upset that your parents are happy about it.  Let her know that it's okay if she doesn't care about your parents and what they think, but you love them and do care.  Sorry her hormones are raging but that doesn't give her permission to boss you around.

[Creative29]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Where is the father of her other kids?  Is he involved in their life? 

Yes they share custody, 1 week each.

My parents main issue apart from the divorce is the 2 kids previous.

Your post reminds me of the night I told her about my parents reaction. She told me she was going to spend a last night at mine before going home for her week with the kids. I told her I had a committment shortly after she finished work but would love if she stayed. I sat with her talking for an hour about my parents reaction while being late to the commitment. When I came home I started to do some chores and get ready for bed. She brought up my parents reaction while I was doing the dishes and I said a few words and carried on. She spent the night on the couch and sparked this whole thing. She probably needed some time and attention based on our conversation earlier. 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

My cynical side says she's not divorced and she's pregnant with your baby (and hers) and she's reeling you in.  She's sensing that you aren't quite as interested as she wants you to be, and I think she may be manipulating you.

She's trying to get you to make her the center of your life. As if she's incapable of living and thinking for herself. Sounds to me might she just might be scammin' to pull you closer and to take advantage of what you offer. She's sophisticated in that she's saying "you be the man. I want a strong man." But that's just cover, I worry, for you do all the work for me. 

Her words don't sound like love to me--and they don't sound wise. Everyone cares about what their parents think. There's nothing wrong with that, especially since you are NOT giving your parents veto power. It's reasonable to want your parents' approval even if they highly flawed. It's quite practical to want to bring parents along. I mean let's start with babysitting. Let's start with a connection to your birth family. 

Something doesn't smell right about her words. You be the man and take care of me. I hear an emphasis on you take care of me. She doesn't seem to be encouraging you--she's trying to shame you by questioning your masculinity. 

Are you sure you want to be with this woman? Really sure? And I'm sorry: I really think you ought to have a paternity test just to double-check things. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Creative29 said:

This brought about an underlying theme about masculine energy and her needing to be taken care of and she feels like she's doing the heavy lifting in the relationship, telling us what to do and when, how I should feel etc. I told her that it's not as easy as me leading everything as she has to take into consideration her kids, co-parenting etc. I have tried to lead in important areas such moving in together or me moving to the same town and she has just countered with alternatives which I thought is fine.

First up, why on earth is she telling you how you should feel?  She's not the boss of you and has no business telling you how to feel.  Really, you feel how you feel and that's that.  I suggest you remind her of that.  And then, be perfectly honest about how you do feel.  If you are confused, or feel this is bad timing, or really don't even want a baby....tell her.   Yeah, she'll be shitty if you're not over the moon about it, but one way or another she deserves the truth so that she can make the right decisions for herself.  

Second, I think this 'masculine energy' thing is a cop out on her part.  While I totally understand that she may feel like she's doing all the planning and that she may want you to plan some stuff too to lighten the load.   But this should involve you doing 50% and working together with her on kids and schedules etc.  Not being "feminine" and sitting there on her arse while you do all the work.   And if you're already doing 50% and don't want to do all her thinking too, tell her so.