Seeking 'Permission'

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, vla1120 said:

However, you have a master's degree. You can be self-sufficient. 

And, because he earns more he will be required to pay you some child support and possibly spousal support. Consulting a lawyer to get more information is a very good idea.

Make your plan don’t tell your husband. the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when they attempt to leave. Your safety and the well-being of your children is paramount.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Cherry05 said:

I finished up on the phone and went in the living room to ask what his deal with me being on the phone was and he says that I was doing stuff all day and didn't spend time with him watching tv. 🤔🤔🤔

The world’s smallest violin is playing for him…

Is he a child? Not able to occupy his own time while you are working and talking with your friend? What entitles him to your time? You have every right to spend your time however you chose - that includes catching up with a friend. 

Edited June 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And, because he earns more he will be required to pay you some child support and possibly spousal support. Consulting a lawyer to get more information is a very good idea.

Make your plan don’t tell your husband. the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when they attempt to leave. Your safety and the well-being of your children is paramount.

I share the safety concerns. Husband may not have a history of violence, but things will become much more intense when he learns he is losing his wife (which translates into losing control over the situation).It could very well become violent at that stage.

my suggested course of action: 

1. start ignoring the denial off social media apps and the frowning upon phone calls with friends. select one close friend and invest as much of your time as possible into that friendship.

2. fully inform your selected friend of your situation. this is where you can find confirmation for your thoughts. because everything is starting to move and shake in your world, it is very possible that sometimes you will wonder if you are going crazy. it is important that you from time to time get confirmation that you are sane.

3. start your Runaway preparation. it starts by making a list of what you would need. depending on the list, the actual preparation can take some time. maybe you need to start saving and hiding money. in this stage maybe you can use your friends help. it depends on your preparation list.

4. when you feel sufficiently prepared to leave, now is the time to inform your husband. What are death will be the normal divorce talk, or the runaway scenario, it’s not yet clear. Time will tell, I think it will become clear during your preparation phase.

Watch out with abandoning your kids. unless there is a domestic violence situation going on this may work to your disadvantage in court: I suggest that’s you abundant only in the runaway scenario and not in a normal divorce scenario. In the normal scenario it is preferable that your spouse leave the house and you stay with the children.

but you’re not at step four yet. you’re at step one.

[AngryGromit]

On 6/8/2022 at 3:03 AM, Cherry05 said:

1) Doesn't help me around the house. (We have 4 kids and I also work full time)

2) We have sex maybe twice a month. Same boring way each time...never seen him with his shirt off

3) Can't ever say something nice about me.

4) Likes to "one up" me in every thing/he's always right

5) Makes more than me, yet I still pay more in bills

I've brought every single one of these up several times and they get flipped around/avoided.

 [ ]

He [sounds] very self centered, it's time to force the issue and make a change, Your going out with your friends when every you want, let him know as a courtesy, but your done asking for permission. Also he needs to pay his fair share of the bills. At least half if not more.  

Edited June 9, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[S2B]

I’ll give it to you straight up = your husband is seriously trying to overpower you, manipulate you and these are all forms of abuse.

you may not realize it now but he trying to strip you of having any power.

[Will am I]

@Cherry05 how are you?

Checking up because you must be in a storm from the moment you came on this forum and started to realize the depths of your situation. Comcerned.

[Cherry05]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

@Cherry05 how are you?

Checking up because you must be in a storm from the moment you came on this forum and started to realize the depths of your situation. Comcerned.

Hey! I'm doing okay. I went out with my friend last night to get our nails done. The first thing he asked when I get in was what time the shop closed because I got home at 9. (It was an hour away and we chatted in the parking lot a little). I guess that's normal to ask? He was super quiet and barely talked the rest of the evening. The evening before, he told me, "In case you didn't notice, I don't care what you do." Nah, definitely didn't notice. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I plan to hang out with her often this summer. We are both teachers, so we have nothing but time. Lol

I'm just figuring out my next steps. I have quite a bit of debt due to paying so much on bills and getting behind. Meanwhile, he has a "stash". I know it'll all be a process.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Cherry05 said:

Hey! I'm doing okay. I went out with my friend last night to get our nails done. The first thing he asked when I get in was what time the shop closed because I got home at 9. (It was an hour away and we chatted in the parking lot a little). I guess that's normal to ask? He was super quiet and barely talked the rest of the evening. The evening before, he told me, "In case you didn't notice, I don't care what you do." Nah, definitely didn't notice. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I plan to hang out with her often this summer. We are both teachers, so we have nothing but time. Lol

I'm just figuring out my next steps. I have quite a bit of debt due to paying so much on bills and getting behind. Meanwhile, he has a "stash". I know it'll all be a process.

Agree. Ignore quips like this. He's trying to get under your skin and keep you at home. Figure out your finances and what you want to do with this marriage. 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Cherry05 said:

The first thing he asked when I get in was what time the shop closed because I got home at 9. (It was an hour away and we chatted in the parking lot a little). I guess that's normal to ask?

My partner will ask what time I expect to be home and then he will sometimes comment if I’m late, but only because he’s that concrete. In truth, he doesn’t actually care - but your husband cares.

How do we know that he cares and he is upset?

20 minutes ago, Cherry05 said:

He was super quiet and barely talked the rest of the evening.

Don’t fool yourself - he may be trying not to control very thing you do, but he is by nature and insecure and controlling man. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

15 minutes ago, Cherry05 said:

Hey! I'm doing okay. I went out with my friend last night to get our nails done. The first thing he asked when I get in was what time the shop closed because I got home at 9. (It was an hour away and we chatted in the parking lot a little). I guess that's normal to ask? He was super quiet and barely talked the rest of the evening. The evening before, he told me, "In case you didn't notice, I don't care what you do." Nah, definitely didn't notice. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I plan to hang out with her often this summer. We are both teachers, so we have nothing but time. Lol

I'm just figuring out my next steps. I have quite a bit of debt due to paying so much on bills and getting behind. Meanwhile, he has a "stash". I know it'll all be a process.

First off, it’s good to hear you’re ok  Like someone mentioned in this topic, the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is just before the end.

Since you’ve started this topic, a lot of what you always accepted as ‘normal’ has been called out by the various respondents. I believe that the situation between you and your husband could blow up at any time and therefore I do have a certain concern for your safety.

 

About last night’s episode:

What your husband did was classical passive aggressive. He didn’t like you coming home at 9, but he knew he’s not in a position to scold you or tell you at what time you’re allowed to come home. So you get these indirect blame statements. Like “I didn’t know the place was open so late”. Meaning “I don’t like you coming home so late, but I’m not saying that openly”.

About your friendship: great. You should invest time in your friendships and also be more and more open to your friends about your situation with your husband. It will make you stronger in these difficult times.

As for debts: it’s part of getting your picture clear. Make a list, so you have a clear overview in your head and won’t be overwhelmed.  In case of a divorce you can probably pay them off from the asset distribution, but there may also be options to refinance your debt (depending on your credit score). If you have the time and energy, it wouldn’t hurt to consult a financial advisor.

(to me personally, you being in debt while your husband is saving money is another sign of how poorly you are being treated. I remember years ago, during my engagement, my fiancee was in debt and I helped her pay these debts off and gave her a car. I’m not saying every couple should do the same, but it’s an alternate perspective  ).

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Cherry05 said:

 I have quite a bit of debt due to paying so much on bills and getting behind. Meanwhile, he has a "stash". 

If/when you file for a divorce, a forensic account will put an end to that. Marriage is a legal And financial contract. And no tracking you is not normal or attempting to keep you "barefoot and pregnant", so to speak.

[Cherry05]

9 hours ago, Will am I said:

(to me personally, you being in debt while your husband is saving money is another sign of how poorly you are being treated. I remember years ago, during my engagement, my fiancee was in debt and I helped her pay these debts off and gave her a car. I’m not saying every couple should do the same, but it’s an alternate perspective  ).

I agree. All the debt was accumulate while we were together, which means the money that was spent contributed to our household. Very rarely do I spend money on myself. However, he doesn’t see it that way and does not even include all I spend on debt payments in our "budget", because he says that that's on me.

I thought that when he got this significant raise, I would have just a little relief. Our money has always been separate. I liked it that way initially because he was always giving his mom money and I definitely didn't want him to give her my money.

The fact that he doesn't want to help me with my debt does make me feel like he doesn't want me to be financially stable. There should be no reason that I should be struggling and literally living pay check to pay check. 

[Will am I]

I have no better explanation. It’s yet another way to keep you powerless and under his control.

As someone else phrased it, he’s been keeping you “barefoot and pregnant”.

 

My opinion is clear. You’re a delightful woman. Intelligent too. How you are being treated is a painful contrast to how you should be treated. The bad treatment comes from one person, your husband.

This urgently needs to change. Meaning that either your husband makes a fast and major transformation in his psychology and his mentality and his behavior, or you leave the marriage and find a better life without him.

Option b is the far more probable one. Therefore my opinion is that you should be actively making preparations for the divorce scenario.