Marka Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 I don't know what to do. I dated a guy for about 2 months 2 years ago. Then after big misunderstanding we stopped talking. I suspect this guy could be on spectrum as well but he never disclosed, so it is my guess. It is over 2 years now but i cant still get over him. I meet other men but no one is good for me, noone better than that guy. I guess he is only person i was truly in love with. Though I dated/ was in relationship with other men before him but never had deep feelings. Don't know how to overcome this. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 Do you mind me asking what caused the misunderstanding? How often did you see each other in the two months? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marka Posted June 7, 2022 Author Share Posted June 7, 2022 5 minutes ago, glows said: Do you mind me asking what caused the misunderstanding? How often did you see each other in the two months? Miscommunication mainly. He was a very bad communicator and tend to go into his shell and keep silence. Was very difficult to understand if he is hurt and what caused this hurt. He was very easily hurt but did not communicate if he is hurt and why. I had to guess. I am also not great at communication apparently One time per week at the weekend mainly due to both of us having demanding jobs. Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 So you hung out 8 times approximately in total 2 years ago, just be clear? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marka Posted June 7, 2022 Author Share Posted June 7, 2022 Just now, JRabbit said: So you hung out 8 times approximately in total 2 years ago, just be clear? yes! crazy I know. cant literally overcome this. I was able to overcome much longer relationships much quicker. I think i self sabotage my dating because of that. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Marka said: Miscommunication mainly. He was a very bad communicator and tend to go into his shell and keep silence. Was very difficult to understand if he is hurt and what caused this hurt. He was very easily hurt but did not communicate if he is hurt and why. I had to guess. I am also not great at communication apparently One time per week at the weekend mainly due to both of us having demanding jobs. We tend to idealize what we don’t know or where there’s little clarity. You’re idealizing this man because of the short period, not seeing each other often. It might be a different story if you saw him in all his glory and the Monet-like beauty of his appeal disappeared the closer you got or the longer you knew him on a day to day basis. Maybe explore more of that self-sabotage. Are you ready to date? What holds you back? My guess is this guy is just a smokescreen for other issues you don’t feel comfortable about yourself, can’t make yourself vulnerable or choose compatible partners. Edited June 7, 2022 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 1 hour ago, Marka said: I dated a guy for about 2 months 2 years ago. Sorry this is happening. This isn't about someone you dated 2 Years ago for 60 days. It's about being unhappy with your current situation and disappointments with dating in general. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the inertia and ruminating. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. A therapist could help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive positive thoughts and actions. Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in sports, fitness, better nutrition. Take some classes and courses. Anything. Yoga, a language, golf, dancing, etc. Volunteer. Reconnect with friends and family. When you feel better, get a new fresh profile (do not use a negative old one) and recent pics om Quality dating apps. Start talking to and meeting men for a brief coffee/drink. Do not chitchat too long before meeting. Be clear about your criteria and screen well for distance, lifestyle, kids, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marka Posted June 7, 2022 Author Share Posted June 7, 2022 12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It's about being unhappy with your current situation and disappointments with dating in general. That maybe well true. 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in sports, fitness, better nutrition. Take some classes and courses. Anything. Yoga, a language, golf, dancing, etc. Volunteer. Reconnect with friends and family. Done all that! I am in hiking group, going to social tennis, doing a dance class, yoga as well. 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: When you feel better, get a new fresh profile (do not use a negative old one) and recent pics om Quality dating apps. Start talking to and meeting men for a brief coffee/drink. Do not chitchat too long before meeting. Be clear about your criteria and screen well for distance, lifestyle, kids, etc. Got a fresh profile 2 weeks ago. Talked to many men, met two men so far. Good guys but no wish to see them again. 14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the inertia and ruminating. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. A therapist could help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive positive thoughts and actions. This is super tricky to do where I live. Our health system is overwhelmed and waiting times reach months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marka Posted June 7, 2022 Author Share Posted June 7, 2022 2 hours ago, glows said: We tend to idealize what we don’t know or where there’s little clarity. You’re idealizing this man because of the short period, not seeing each other often. It might be a different story if you saw him in all his glory and the Monet-like beauty of his appeal disappeared the closer you got or the longer you knew him on a day to day basis. It is not even idealising. I understand that it was correct decision to split up as we were incompatible. He had amazing chemistry but obviously it is not enough to build something lasting. SO let him go was correct decision, and regardless how much i am still into him, still think that it was done for better 2 hours ago, glows said: Maybe explore more of that self-sabotage. Are you ready to date? What holds you back? My guess is this guy is just a smokescreen for other issues you don’t feel comfortable about yourself, can’t make yourself vulnerable or choose compatible partners. Yes I am ready, at least I believe so. This guy was really handsome, high achiever, we had great chemistry, common values but there where some issues that made us incompatible long term. I just cant meet any guy who i can find as good as him or like at least at the same level as him. On a date I think oh X is nice guy but Y guy was so much better for me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 35 minutes ago, Marka said: I just cant meet any guy who i can find as good as him or like at least at the same level as him. What was it that you loved about this guy? You say you both were poor communicators. What drew you to him? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 39 minutes ago, Marka said: It is not even idealising. I understand that it was correct decision to split up as we were incompatible. He had amazing chemistry but obviously it is not enough to build something lasting. SO let him go was correct decision, and regardless how much i am still into him, still think that it was done for better Yes I am ready, at least I believe so. This guy was really handsome, high achiever, we had great chemistry, common values but there where some issues that made us incompatible long term. I just cant meet any guy who i can find as good as him or like at least at the same level as him. On a date I think oh X is nice guy but Y guy was so much better for me. I empathize with you as that does happen. He's in the past. Use those experiences as benchmarks and indicators for what you'd like in a partner. If you're too rigidly stuck imagining other men to be him or only allow yourself to see people who have his same(or similar) profile, you're missing out on other potential suitors or matches if you're dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marka Posted June 7, 2022 Author Share Posted June 7, 2022 10 minutes ago, stillafool said: What was it that you loved about this guy? You say you both were poor communicators. What drew you to him? physical appearance, 100% my type plus some other character traits like being go-getter Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 29 minutes ago, Marka said: physical appearance, 100% my type plus some other character traits like being go-getter I hear you and they say women don't go for looks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Marka said: physical appearance, 100% my type plus some other character traits like being go-getter Have you ever sat yourself down and really thought about this. No only are looks skin deep, but they fade with age. And importantly, they have zero to do with the personality of a the guy you're dating. And while being a go-getter is a good trait to have, it (along with the other handful of character traits) is only a part of the whole person. Given that the two of you couldn't get past two months - while you were both in the thoes of infatuation and still on your best behaviours - I think you're hooked on something which isn't real. I agree with the posters who've said you've idealised this guy and the time you spent together into something it never was. Edited June 8, 2022 by basil67 grammar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 6 hours ago, Marka said: physical appearance, 100% my type So this is what you're really saying - you haven't met another man who was as physically attractive to you as this one. You mentioned his appearance first, and then: 6 hours ago, Marka said: plus some other character traits You may want to rethink your priorities on this one, Marka. You're getting in your own way. This short-lived relationship wasn't great if it only lasted 8-10 dates and you two didn't communicate well. A pretty face couldn't save it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marka Posted June 8, 2022 Author Share Posted June 8, 2022 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: So this is what you're really saying - you haven't met another man who was as physically attractive to you as this one. You mentioned his appearance first, and then: You may want to rethink your priorities on this one, Marka. You're getting in your own way. This short-lived relationship wasn't great if it only lasted 8-10 dates and you two didn't communicate well. A pretty face couldn't save it. pretty face has never been my priority, but you are right in saying that i have not met another man i found as attractive as him. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 (edited) Unfortunately, holding the torch for someone you dated a couple of months 2 years ago, keeps you lonely by creating an imaginary "perfect" man (one you barely knew and didn't get further with). Perhaps you are building this wall around yourself to protect you from the reality of relationships? Edited June 8, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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