How do you perceive this friendship shift?

[Tammy141]

Sooo, I have a good friend. She went through a bad breakup that actually had to go to court. I was her number one call and very supportive and helpful during it all. She recently made a new friend and they are now finishing each other’s sentences, agreeing with everything the other says, and do things and don’t invite me with. I like the new friend, but when those two are together, it’s annoying to be around, as though no one else is there. 
 

We recently went to a concert and it was annoying with those two together, but I also saw how outspoken and over opinionated my friend has become. If you like something, she’ll just provide a strong opinion about it. She even mentioned following the breakup that she just says whatever now. We also have to hear about all the people she has gone on dates with and how if someone says hi to her, that they are flirting. 
 

I’m sure she’s coping after the rough breakup, so not going to say anything and don’t feel like doing the whole “I don’t feel included” thing. It’s tough because we’re in the same friend group. Ways to cope? Advice?

[ExpatInItaly]

I had a friend who was similar in some ways. 

We'd been friends for many years, but whenever a shiny new person came into view, she'd suddenly be their best friend and essenitally mirror that person and spend all her time with them. I (and a couple other mutual, longtime friends) watched this happen a few times over the 30-ish years we were friends. I did approach her about it a couple times, and things usually improved for a while -until it happened again. 

Eventually, I grew apart from her. I wasn't interested in being her back-up, trusty old friend when the sparks of the new friendship wore off and she suddenly wanted to spend time together again.  Sometimes we just have to observe and see what people do of their own volition, and if it's not compatible with our ideals and values, we can create healthy space for ourselves and prioritize other people. 

[Alpacalia]

In agreement with the comment about the shiny new penny.

Perhaps your friend has recently been drawn to this new individual - it might not be long-term, but merely a glimmer of a new wave of energy.

Occasionally, she will speak more to her new friend than to you, since they have never been close friends before and have just begun talking. That is okay. 

It may be a worthwhile idea to prepare yourself for a period of cooling off and becoming accustomed to having new friends in your social circle. Consider interacting with some other suitable individuals instead. You need that.

Also, please remember that your friend is going through an adjustment period after the recent break-up and that you are trying your best to be supportive of her.

3 hours ago, Tammy141 said:

We recently went to a concert and it was annoying with those two together, but I also saw how outspoken and over opinionated my friend has become. If you like something, she’ll just provide a strong opinion about it. She even mentioned following the breakup that she just says whatever now. We also have to hear about all the people she has gone on dates with and how if someone says hi to her, that they are flirting. 

The sound of that is very annoying. Can't tolerate being near people like that for a long period, so if it's bothersome, try to maintain some distance around them.

Taking a step back, this might be repercussions of her recent break-up and her new found friendship, so rest assured you can take it in stride.

Edited June 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Tammy141 said:

. She went through a bad breakup that actually had to go to court. 

Perhaps this is your cue that high drama flakey personalities are not worth your time and effort.

Make new friends. Broaden your horizons. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses.

There's no reason to be in lockstep with these two.

[giotto]

Sometimes you have to accept it and let people go, especially if you are not getting much out of the relationship. It's probably the healthy thing to do. 

[glows]

7 hours ago, Tammy141 said:

Sooo, I have a good friend. She went through a bad breakup that actually had to go to court. I was her number one call and very supportive and helpful during it all. She recently made a new friend and they are now finishing each other’s sentences, agreeing with everything the other says, and do things and don’t invite me with. I like the new friend, but when those two are together, it’s annoying to be around, as though no one else is there. 
 

We recently went to a concert and it was annoying with those two together, but I also saw how outspoken and over opinionated my friend has become. If you like something, she’ll just provide a strong opinion about it. She even mentioned following the breakup that she just says whatever now. We also have to hear about all the people she has gone on dates with and how if someone says hi to her, that they are flirting. 
 

I’m sure she’s coping after the rough breakup, so not going to say anything and don’t feel like doing the whole “I don’t feel included” thing. It’s tough because we’re in the same friend group. Ways to cope? Advice?

It sounds more to me that she’s evolving and finding her voice where she may once have felt silenced and repressed in a controlling or toxic relationship. And she’s also realizing that she doesn’t need to keep walking on eggshells with those whom she calls friends. If you thought you knew her then, think again. Maybe she went along with everything you said because she found you too strong-minded or strong-willed. 

If she’s speaking her mind now, listen and be mindful that she does have her own opinions and they might not always agree with you.

It also sounds like she may have offended you at the concert. What was it specifically that you found “over-opinionated”? 

If she was ever at all a friend of yours step back and rethink whether your thoughts/values collide. She should be able to speak up and say what she wants to say without being criticized for it or for having an opinion and you can agree to disagree. 

[Tammy141]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It sounds more to me that she’s evolving and finding her voice where she may once have felt silenced and repressed in a controlling or toxic relationship. And she’s also realizing that she doesn’t need to keep walking on eggshells with those whom she calls friends. If you thought you knew her then, think again. Maybe she went along with everything you said because she found you too strong-minded or strong-willed. 

If she’s speaking her mind now, listen and be mindful that she does have her own opinions and they might not always agree with you.

It also sounds like she may have offended you at the concert. What was it specifically that you found “over-opinionated”? 

If she was ever at all a friend of yours step back and rethink whether your thoughts/values collide. She should be able to speak up and say what she wants to say without being criticized for it or for having an opinion and you can agree to disagree. 

She can definitely have her own opinion on matters. But, it’s difficult when an opinion I have gets overshadowed by her opinion/belief. It’s as though her opinions/beliefs have to be above everyone else’s. Like she is the expert on everything and if I say something, she has to have the last word. 

Well, the concert started out with me feeling badly about getting excluded with she and her new friend and it ended with me being annoyed because she put down a cause that runs deep to me. It wasn’t offensive, but a quick dismissal and created more annoyance. 

[glows]

13 minutes ago, Tammy141 said:

She can definitely have her own opinion on matters. But, it’s difficult when an opinion I have gets overshadowed by her opinion/belief. It’s as though her opinions/beliefs have to be above everyone else’s. Like she is the expert on everything and if I say something, she has to have the last word. 

Well, the concert started out with me feeling badly about getting excluded with she and her new friend and it ended with me being annoyed because she put down a cause that runs deep to me. It wasn’t offensive, but a quick dismissal and created more annoyance. 

I’m sorry to hear that. She sounds rude considering you think of one another as friends. This isn’t a stranger one might be willing to ignore or brush off.

I’d be vocal and firm in future if she speaks over you or dismisses you. If she doesn’t like what you have to say either or the causes you represent she can take her opinions elsewhere. Conversations, at the minimum, take two so don’t feel like you don’t have a say just because she comes in with guns blazing.

I wouldn’t bother arguing with someone like this either. If it keeps happening or she can’t respect you don’t keep hanging out with her.

[stillafool]

Sometimes friendships run their course and that could be what's happening here.  You shouldn't hang out with this friend and her new friend anymore since it bothers you; but make new friends and give this one some space.

[Alpacalia]

On 6/8/2022 at 5:43 AM, Tammy141 said:

She can definitely have her own opinion on matters. But, it’s difficult when an opinion I have gets overshadowed by her opinion/belief. It’s as though her opinions/beliefs have to be above everyone else’s. Like she is the expert on everything and if I say something, she has to have the last word. 

 

Does she have a tendency to give advice to others, but not follow it herself?

That tends to happen a lot.

The behavior of a person who understands what to do and advises others on what they need to do without following through on their own advice.