he says he needs space

[TnG]

We are both married. I've been married for 5 years, child-free. He has been married for 3 years, has a child. We met at work and our chemistry was incredible. Our relationship went from helping out with work projects, exchanging numbers, and then talking on the phone/texting all day, every day. This escalated very quickly and the guilt he had for cheating made him step back a few times. I respected that and he always came back to me a few days later.

When we were finally intimate, it was unlike anything we had ever experienced and the connection was amazing. We told each other how much we cared for each other and wished our circumstances where different so we could be together. A few days later, he regretted the sexual encounter and told his partner everything that occurred. He told me he didn't want to do this anymore and wants space. He wants to continue our friendship, which honestly I can't see happening since I care so deeply for him. We are both seeking therapy at this time and have not communicated for a few days. I miss him terribly because I not only lost someone I cared for but also a friend that I shared so many amazing memories with. I just want him to reach out to me and tell me he wants to be with me. I can support the dreams he has because I believe in him wholeheartedly. He knows that.

I don't know how much space he needs and I probably should have asked the last time we spoke. I am just feeling so angry and sad that he hasn't tried to even check on how I am doing throughout all of this. All he has said is that he is sorry and that he does care.

[glows]

Space likely means no more sex or cheating. He seems ridden with guilt so guard your heart and be more wary. Address your own marriage if it’s just an empty piece of paper and one of convenience.

It’s surprising he leapt to tell his wife about the affair. Is he legally married or common law? Are you legally married? I’m skeptical he said a word to her and may have told you that to confirm that it is over between the both of you or make things sound final.

Treat this like any other break up. Respect the other person’s wishes and keep your distance. Staying friends is often an unrealistic and hopeful proposition said in the moment to make the dumpee feel better. Use your common sense (be true to yourself moving on) and don’t remain friends with him. 

Edited June 8, 2022 by glows

[TnG]

We are both legally married. I hadn't thought of the fact that he may not have actually told his wife anything. That would actually make sense since he still has my # in my phone. I told my husband about the affair and he made me remove him from social media and apps where we communicated. I am working on myself through therapy and my husband is supportive. We have been together for a decade and don't want to just give up on our relationship.

Considering my affair partner always comes back to me, I'm skeptical the 'space' requested will last forever. He is a very indecisive individual and usually left things up to me on what we should do with our relationship.

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, TnG said:

When we were finally intimate,  A few days later, he regretted the sexual encounter and told his partner everything that occurred. I am just feeling so angry and sad that he hasn't tried to even check on how I am doing throughout all of this. 

Avoid him completely. Is he the workplace wolf, who sleeps with women then dumps them with the "my wife" explanation? Cut your losses. He is not interested in pursuing the affair. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, TnG said:

I told my husband about the affair and he made me remove him from social media and apps where we communicated. I am working on myself through therapy and my husband is supportive. We have been together for a decade and don't want to just give up on our relationship.

Considering my affair partner always comes back to me, I'm skeptical the 'space' requested will last forever. He is a very indecisive individual and usually left things up to me on what we should do with our relationship.

But didn't you promise your husband you were going to end the affair and he's supporting you through it?  Why are you now worrying about when MM will be back in touch?  Are you going to cheat again and deceive your husband?

[TnG]

51 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But didn't you promise your husband you were going to end the affair and he's supporting you through it?  Why are you now worrying about when MM will be back in touch?  Are you going to cheat again and deceive your husband?

I don't want to cheat again. I just feel the loss of losing MM and our connection; it's hard. But I am trying to working through those feelings in therapy and stop "waiting" for him to come back. I need to realize my self worth.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like you're in love with someone you can't have. These things happen and since you've both told your spouses and not had your lives blow up (so far at least) you should probably bit the bullet and try to go no/minimal contact as your spouses will no doubt be keeping an eye out and not take kindly to any further involvements.

Seeing this person at work will probably trigger lots of emotions for both of you and it's possible you or he may come to dread it in time. You could consider eventually moving to a different dept or similar where you won't run into him if that's possible.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, TnG said:

I don't want to cheat again. I just feel the loss of losing MM and our connection; it's hard. But I am trying to working through those feelings in therapy and stop "waiting" for him to come back. I need to realize my self worth.

You need to be honest with your husband and give up waiting and wanting that other man if you want to keep your marriage.  You admit you're waiting for the MM to come back and you know if he does you won't resist because your desire for him is too strong.  Your husband is on high alert since he knows you were in an affair so if he finds out you're still at it with this guy he may not forgive you again but file for divorce.  Then you will see MM won't look as good as before because losing your husband will be unbearable. You will not end up with the MM because he will not leave his wife for you.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, TnG said:

He told me he didn't want to do this anymore

Accept that he wishes to end it. Step away and focus on your own situation and whatever is underneath all this.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, TnG said:

I am just feeling so angry and sad that he hasn't tried to even check on how I am doing throughout all of this.

You've made the mistake a lot of APs make, which is assuming your MM is a surrgoate boyfriend. But he's not. 

That's not to say he doesn't care, but he isn't going to conduct himself the same way a boyfriend would. He's not going to check on you. He's not going to emotionally support you through this. You're on your own for that.  His priority isn't you, in other words. It's himself, and (presumably, now) his wife. 

2 hours ago, TnG said:

I just want him to reach out to me and tell me he wants to be with me. I can support the dreams he has because I believe in him wholeheartedly.

This is wishful thinking on your part. Supporting his dreams pales in comparison to keeping his life intact by choosing his marriage. He is making it pretty clear he doesn't intend to blow up his life by leaving to be with you. He has more to lose than you do, if you decided to leave your marriage. He's also got a child with his wife, so there's much more at stake for him. It appears that isn't somethign he wants to do. 

1 hour ago, TnG said:

We have been together for a decade and don't want to just give up on our relationship.

If this is true, then you need to block all possible avenues for your MM to contact you. I have to say, it sounds like you're just paying lip service here, considering you're also wondering this: 

2 hours ago, TnG said:

I don't know how much space he needs

If he isn't going to leave his wife, then does it really matter how much space he needs? Two days or two years won't make any difference if he plans to stay married. 

[Bittersweetie]

I'm a MW who had an affair. You talk about the amazing connection you and MM had. Well of course you did! This relationship was built in secret and with all the risk and limerence your adrenaline was surging. Your husband couldn't compare because he didn't even know he was competing. So of course everything felt amazing.

In therapy, are you thinking about and discussing why you thought your actions and choices were okay? Regardless of the chemistry between you and MM, why did you think it was okay to act upon it? One thing I learned in all my therapy after my affair is that my choices were my own responsibility...maybe my marriage wasn't perfect, but I could have handled things in a much healthier way.

And finally: why was it okay for you to jeopardize your career for this guy? Like I recently mentioned in another thread, coworkers usually see and gossip no matter how quiet the couple thinks they are...and unfortunately the blowback is more negative on the woman instead of the man. Why jeopardize your future?

[glows]

1 hour ago, TnG said:

We are both legally married. I hadn't thought of the fact that he may not have actually told his wife anything. That would actually make sense since he still has my # in my phone. I told my husband about the affair and he made me remove him from social media and apps where we communicated. I am working on myself through therapy and my husband is supportive. We have been together for a decade and don't want to just give up on our relationship.

Considering my affair partner always comes back to me, I'm skeptical the 'space' requested will last forever. He is a very indecisive individual and usually left things up to me on what we should do with our relationship.

 

54 minutes ago, TnG said:

I don't want to cheat again. I just feel the loss of losing MM and our connection; it's hard. But I am trying to working through those feelings in therapy and stop "waiting" for him to come back. I need to realize my self worth.

Most of all, yes, the second part here. Focus on your self-worth and address your marriage. When someone leaves there's always a void even if it's unhealthy for us and a destructive presence. Be strong and patient and wait for the initial pangs to go away. Do not give in and keep working on your marriage if that's what you and your husband are choosing.

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, TnG said:

I am working on myself through therapy and my husband is supportive. We have been together for a decade and don't want to just give up on our relationship.

 

2 hours ago, TnG said:

I don't want to cheat again. I just feel the loss of losing MM and our connection; it's hard. But I am trying to working through those feelings in therapy and stop "waiting" for him to come back. I need to realize my self worth.

Feeling the loss is okay. It will subside, especially  if you put 100% of your effort into your marriage. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, TnG said:

I am just feeling so angry and sad that he hasn't tried to even check on how I am doing throughout all of this.

When the MM choses his wife and family and establishes what should have always been maintained as a healthy boundary with his affair partner, the OW is typically left feeling disappointed, angry, and sad. 

8 hours ago, TnG said:

Considering my affair partner always comes back to me, I'm skeptical the 'space' requested will last forever.

If this is the case, I would be looking for another job. IF you are truly choosing your marriage and working to recommit to your husband, he needs to feel safe and that means that you don’t see your affair partner at work everyday - not when that’s how the affair started. 

No, you can’t remain friends with your affair partner. that boundary was crossed a long time ago… there is no going back.

7 hours ago, TnG said:

I don't want to cheat again. I just feel the loss of losing MM and our connection; it's hard.

I understand that the ending of any relationship is difficult, but seriously… Again, if you were really committed to doing right by your husband YOU would be more decisive in ending this relationship and you wouldn’t be complaining about how much you miss your affair partner/how hard it is not to be in contact anymore…

9 hours ago, TnG said:

I don't know how much space he needs

If you are recommitting to your marriage it does not matter - YOU should be putting some space between yourself and your affair partner. 

This says to me that you are at high risk to resume your affair. 

Your husband deserves more from his wife than a woman who has one foot in the door but her heart and mind are elsewhere…

Edited June 8, 2022 by BaileyB