bb1471 Posted April 18, 2022 Share Posted April 18, 2022 Actually been reading latest book..... Wife has fibromyalgia. To be fair she does struggle a lot. Today she had some free time and instead of resting decided she HAD to do the garden because she decided it needed to be done. Possibly now shes going to struggle and/or be in a bad mood all week now. I don't get it at all. Surely the garden can wait? Her attitude is well it needed to get done, and I REALLY wanted to do it, and I'm being controlling giving her a lecture. OK will admit I dont go about it the right way but I can't see how the damn garden is so important! I think its unfair of her to prioritise the garden and then expect everyone to put up with her being in a mood for the week. Of course, her answer is with me it'd never get done ever! Alas, she also does it with work. Her employers KNOWs he easy it is to get her to do overtime at short notice. Sometimes again, she makes herself tired and I just don't get that. We don't need the money but her answer is "well they asked me". Again, being selfish maybe but why should her employer getting cover be more important than her being in a good mood for her family? Sometimes I feel as if she does these things, knows how it'll affect her, but then either thinks it not that bad or that we just need to put up with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 18, 2022 Share Posted April 18, 2022 36 minutes ago, bb1471 said: Her attitude is well it needed to get done, and I REALLY wanted to do it, and I'm being controlling giving her a lecture. If gardening gives her peace and comfort don't try to control it. There's more going on here than arguing. It seems there's a power struggle. Maybe she's in a "bad mood" because of the arguments about how she should spend her time? Do your own things to relax, let her do hers. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 18, 2022 Share Posted April 18, 2022 You're automatically assuming that she'll be tired and irritable after she gardens which can be a bit presumptuous and controlling especially if you're telling her what she can and can't do. I'd leave it alone and let her be. If she wants to garden let her. When she's irritable, let her know that you love her and that you're going to do something else now and then cool off doing other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted April 18, 2022 Share Posted April 18, 2022 If this is a pattern you can let her know how you feel. Let her know that sometimes it seems like she pushes her limits and then crashes. Then offer to help where you can so she can relax more. If you are really busy and can’t help with housework or gardening, organize getting gardeners or cleaners in once or twice a month to help with the workload. As for overtime at work, she may feel pressured to take it. Usually if it’s offered it means the company is pretty desperate. And maybe if she doesn’t do OT, that work will just fall on her during regular hours, so she figures might as well get paid 1.5x. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 8 hours ago, bb1471 said: I don't get it at all. Surely the garden can wait? Wait for what? Serious question. Are gardeners due next week? Or have you scheduled in a weekend for it's upkeep? If neither are happening, then it can't wait. The longer a garden goes untended, the more difficult it becomes to maintain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 11 hours ago, bb1471 said: Actually been reading latest book..... Wife has fibromyalgia. To be fair she does struggle a lot. Today she had some free time and instead of resting decided she HAD to do the garden because she decided it needed to be done. Possibly now shes going to struggle and/or be in a bad mood all week now. I don't get it at all. Surely the garden can wait? Her attitude is well it needed to get done, and I REALLY wanted to do it, and I'm being controlling giving her a lecture. OK will admit I dont go about it the right way but I can't see how the damn garden is so important! I think its unfair of her to prioritise the garden and then expect everyone to put up with her being in a mood for the week. Of course, her answer is with me it'd never get done ever! Alas, she also does it with work. Her employers KNOWs he easy it is to get her to do overtime at short notice. Sometimes again, she makes herself tired and I just don't get that. We don't need the money but her answer is "well they asked me". Again, being selfish maybe but why should her employer getting cover be more important than her being in a good mood for her family? Sometimes I feel as if she does these things, knows how it'll affect her, but then either thinks it not that bad or that we just need to put up with it. It's great you're reading books to try to help your relationship. However physical activity, such as gardening, is a recommended treatment for fibromyalgia. The mood swings may be concurrent depression, also common in fibromyalgia. Your assumption is that the "bad moods" are due to taking on too much, but that as well may be incorrect and unrelated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bb1471 Posted April 19, 2022 Author Share Posted April 19, 2022 Thanks all for the input - much appreciated. I have apologised to her now because I was a bit off I think. Part of the problem is I guess she things as more important than I do. The overtime thing. Thing is its not at 1.5x. Everyone else in the team seems to hide when they're looking but my dear wife ALWAYS says yes because she feels sorry for them! Again I'll never understand this I guess! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 6 hours ago, bb1471 said: Part of the problem is I guess she things as more important than I do. If you feel "neglected" by her and/or that you are not a priority, I think that's something to be diplomatically communicated and eventually addressed. Else I suspect your resentment will continue to build until it boils over into fights and/or results in you non-constructively (or possibly constructively) looking for other ways to have your emotional needs met. Not everyone has the same level of "need" for emotional connection, but when the relationship starts to become one-sided it hurts either the marriage or one or both partners. A marriage counselor might be an effective "referee" if you find this is a difficult conversation to have and/or there is pushback or a failure to acknowledge what you are communicating. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 I imagine you are making her anxious if you are watching her too much at home, she enjoys her personal space or something to take her mind off health issues, be it in the garden or even working overtime to avoid too much family conversation, It is likely she will prefer if you spend less time sitting around the house and less time brewing over things. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 Look, your options are: 1. Hire a gardener 2. Offer to do it instead If you're doing neither, just telling her "don't do it" is not going to solve anyone's problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bb1471 Posted April 22, 2022 Author Share Posted April 22, 2022 Thanks all - really appreciate the feedback 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bb1471 Posted April 22, 2022 Author Share Posted April 22, 2022 Joking aside I never knew how tough it was.... OK, I'm not the best at ignoring it and I do take things personally, so any tips? Some days, honestly, its like having wife mark 2 around, and in all honesty some of the things she comes up with are just crazy. I'm doing my best to be understanding but its difficult at the moment.... Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 (edited) Gift her some chocolate? In all seriousness, can you give some examples? Edited April 22, 2022 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author bb1471 Posted April 22, 2022 Author Share Posted April 22, 2022 Well some days its like theres a black cloud following her around - she wont smile at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 (edited) One of the things you frequently hear from menpause stories is a sense of confusion. Jokingly: * "needing to turn the car radio off to remember where your sunglasses are". * "losing your keys and finding them in the fridge" What strikes me is that you actually add to the confusion by piling everything on one big "wife 2.0" heap. Why don't you get a bit more specific and analytical here? What bothers you most? Edited April 22, 2022 by Will am I 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bb1471 Posted April 22, 2022 Author Share Posted April 22, 2022 Another example, today I had a call with work (I work from home). It finished a bit early, she'd been bit ill today, and she was getting ready for work. So I went to see her and she pretty much said "oh just leave me alone". I hadn't said anything. I just said "oh I just came to see you while I've got 5 mins". Answer I got was "why? got nothing to talk to you about". Eh? totally out of the blue. She'd been fine an hour earlier.... Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 Hmm. Well one possibility is that it may have something to do with your actions, another could be that there is something going on within her, and the third one is that something is wrong between the two of you. Certainly, menopause can cause emotions to fluctuate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 Well I've been through menopause and it's like once you turn 50 someone comes up from behind you and slips a plastic bag over your head and doesn't remove it until 8 years later. The worse time of my life. I've never perspired much and I just couldn't stand the hot flashes. Someone said to bring your wife a box of chocolates, well if you do she may throw them back at you because anything sweet will send her into a severe hot flash. My idea of winning the lottery at that time was being able to afford to have a walk in freezer installed in our home. Being hasseled for sex made me want to stab my husband in the neck because the thought of another body on mine was like throwing gasoline on an inferno. The good news is once it's over everything came back. I didn't go on hormone therapy which probably would have helped but I wanted to do it the natural way - just suffer. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 Just give her space and don't smother. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 (edited) I mentioned dark chocolate because it contains magnesium which has been shown to reset cortisol levels.https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/ways-to-lower-cortisol But yes, high blood sugar has been linked to hot flashes. OP, how long have you been married? What was your relationship like before? Edited April 22, 2022 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about what's happening with her if it's just menopause. She has to realize she needs to seek relief from the symptoms, which most definitely can be intense. But I would suggest you do NOT make suggestions to "help". As was suggested, give her space. That doesn't mean you have to stay silent if she's being abusive. My experience was intense emotions that ranged from feeling depressed to feeling angry. I researched things to help (supplements, exercise, etc.), but I'm sure I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around all the time. If you had marital issues prior to the onset of her menopausal symptoms, menopause will make it much more difficult for her to ignore things or just go with the flow. So don't be quick to write it off as just "her" problem if there were previous conflicts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 2 hours ago, bb1471 said: Joking aside I never knew how tough it was.... OK, I'm not the best at ignoring it and I do take things personally, so any tips? Some days, honestly, its like having wife mark 2 around, and in all honesty some of the things she comes up with are just crazy. I'm doing my best to be understanding but its difficult at the moment.... Apparently the answer for everything is to ignore. Obviously you care what your wife is going through otherwise you wouldn't have asked. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 4 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Apparently the answer for everything is to ignore. He doesn't have to ignore if that's not his choice. He's just being advised that confronting her isn't likely to be received well. That doesn't mean he can't. Of course it's not fair for anyone to have to just put up with things. But sometimes circumstances in life aren't fair and being realistic helps. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 Patience, patience and more patience. Try to understand that this is not the real her, it her hormones. Maybe take her to see a doctor or a herbalist. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 (edited) Another post menopausal woman here. While a degree of understanding and patience from you is required, you also need to have boundaries on how you will be treated. At the very least, she should be able to recognise her behaviour with hindsight and apologise. Of course, it's better if she's aware of her behaviour and stops it from happening as much as possible, but a genuine apology is better than nothing. Have you ever talked with her about how she's feeling? Does she have support from her doctor? Edited April 23, 2022 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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