Need tips to deal with menopause - I.e. my wifes lol

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, FMW said:

He doesn't have to ignore if that's not his choice.  He's just being advised that confronting her isn't likely to be received well.  That doesn't mean he can't.  Of course it's not fair for anyone to have to just put up with things.  But sometimes circumstances in life aren't fair and being realistic helps.  

There was no advice to confront her or tolerate unsavory behavior from anyone.

Obviously, it could simply be the effects of menopause.

But I also think it is reasonable to consider other possibilities too before dismissing it as solely based on natural symptoms of menopause.

We don't have much insight into the dynamics of their relationship, so it's difficult to say.

It's possible to be empathetic without ignoring her and at the same time to not tolerate crumby behavior.

Naturally, she must try to find a way to deal with her symptoms in order to take care of herself and her family.

 

[Els]

Has she talked to a doctor about this? There are treatments out there, notably HRT - it's not suitable for everyone depending on history of e.g. breast cancer, but it can be a lifesaver for many, and has several medical benefits (e.g. prevention of osteoporosis).

As for you, yes you don't have to put up with abusive behaviour of course, but some understanding is warranted. We did not choose our biology, and frankly women just get screwed over by nature in many ways. If you're in a relationship with a cis woman, this is unfortunately one of the things you'll just have to accept and try to be understanding about, as long as she's making effort on her part to keep it in check (and talking to a doctor).

Edited April 23, 2022 by Elswyth

[Wiseman2]

On 4/18/2022 at 2:38 PM, bb1471 said:

Today she had some free time and instead of resting decided she HAD to do the garden because she decided it needed to be done. Possibly now shes going to struggle and/or be in a bad mood all week now.I don't get it at all. Surely the garden can wait?

You did the right thing. Get her some garden gnomes and show some support of her endeavors rather than countering her efforts.

Jump in and participate. That solves her issue of wanting to do it, you both get some physical activity and she doesn't resent you.

[bb1471]

On 4/22/2022 at 3:48 PM, Alpacalia said:

I mentioned dark chocolate because it contains magnesium which has been shown to reset cortisol levels.
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/ways-to-lower-cortisol

But yes, high blood sugar has been linked to hot flashes. 

OP,  how long have you been married?

What was your relationship like before?

26 years. Yeh all good.

[bb1471]

On 4/23/2022 at 1:54 AM, Alpacalia said:

Apparently the answer for everything is to ignore. Obviously you care what your wife is going through otherwise you wouldn't have asked.

 

 

EXACTLY. A lot of my friends just think "Sod that shes in a mood - Im off down the pub"

Always the same mind. If you're a guy who posts on forums like this there are a lot of people who are dying to shoot you down.

Yeh I do a lot things wrong I know that but if I didnt care I wouldnt [post on} forums like this.

[ ] 

Edited June 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[bb1471]

On 4/23/2022 at 10:11 AM, Elswyth said:

Has she talked to a doctor about this? There are treatments out there, notably HRT - it's not suitable for everyone depending on history of e.g. breast cancer, but it can be a lifesaver for many, and has several medical benefits (e.g. prevention of osteoporosis).

As for you, yes you don't have to put up with abusive behaviour of course, but some understanding is warranted. We did not choose our biology, and frankly women just get screwed over by nature in many ways. If you're in a relationship with a cis woman, this is unfortunately one of the things you'll just have to accept and try to be understanding about, as long as she's making effort on her part to keep it in check (and talking to a doctor).

Yes she takes HRT patches. I know and I know I have to cope better - hence why I post to try and make myself a better person to deal with.

[Weezy1973]

On 4/22/2022 at 6:19 PM, basil67 said:

   While a degree of understanding and patience from you is required, you also need to have boundaries on how you will be treated.   At the very least, she should be able to recognise her behaviour with hindsight and apologise. 

OP, as many have said, it’s tough to give specific advice without knowing the dynamic of the relationship before menopause, but as for the menopause itself, the quote above is probably the best tact. Some of it really is just giving her the benefit of the doubt and being more patient. But her behavior is her responsibility regardless of her symptoms. Menopause isn’t an umbrella excuse to treat your loved ones poorly. She may not be able to control her symptoms, but she can certainly control Her behavior. And when she does step out of line, which will happen because she’s human, she should be apologizing sincerely. I’m sorry but I’m menopausal doesn’t work. I’m sorry I treated you poorly and will do better next time is what you’re looking for.

[Alpacalia]

On 4/25/2022 at 6:54 PM, bb1471 said:

EXACTLY. A lot of my friends just think "Sod that shes in a mood - Im off down the pub"

Always the same mind. If you're a guy who posts on forums like this there are a lot of people who are dying to shoot you down.

Yeh I do a lot things wrong I know that but if I didnt care I wouldnt [post on] forums like this.

[ ] 

I understand.

I still don't think you've articulated an overall picture of your relationship, so it makes providing feedback kind of challenging.

It may also be the case that the drastic changes in mood are not due to external causes, but to the stress and tensions of the marriage itself. What do you think?

What is she doing to take care of her health and not lash out at you? When she lashes out at you due to mood swings, keep in mind that you weren't born to be her parent nor tolerate her bad moods. Professional counseling in this regard might be necessary for her.

Alternatively, you might want to think about staying married.

 

Edited June 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bb1471]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I understand.

I still don't think you've articulated an overall picture of your relationship, so it makes providing feedback kind of challenging.

It may also be the case that the drastic changes in mood are not due to external causes, but to the stress and tensions of the marriage itself. What do you think?

What is she doing to take care of her health and not lash out at you? When she lashes out at you due to mood swings, keep in mind that you weren't born to be her parent nor tolerate her bad moods. Professional counseling in this regard might be necessary for her.

Alternatively, you might want to think about staying married.

 

OK. Bit more info.....

Been married 26 years, together over 35 years.

Its been tough over the years but we're still together. Got a teenage son (hes 18 now) with Aspergers. Hes doing really well - planning to go to college - but we've had a LOT of behavioural problems here. REALLY REALLY severe problems. Takes its toll on everyone.

We've got an 8 year old. Yes so we're older parents and it takes a lot of energy there.

Wife also has Fibromyalgia (from when last one was born). This takes it out of her a lot. So yeh this on top of menopause.

For me, healthwise I'm ok. I do take things a little too much to heart maybe - hence one of the reasons I'm on this forum.

We've been together this long, there is ZERO chance we're splitting up. I'm there to make this work.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, bb1471 said:

OK. Bit more info.....

Been married 26 years, together over 35 years.

Its been tough over the years but we're still together. Got a teenage son (hes 18 now) with Aspergers. Hes doing really well - planning to go to college - but we've had a LOT of behavioural problems here. REALLY REALLY severe problems. Takes its toll on everyone.

We've got an 8 year old. Yes so we're older parents and it takes a lot of energy there.

Wife also has Fibromyalgia (from when last one was born). This takes it out of her a lot. So yeh this on top of menopause.

For me, healthwise I'm ok. I do take things a little too much to heart maybe - hence one of the reasons I'm on this forum.

We've been together this long, there is ZERO chance we're splitting up. I'm there to make this work.

It would make sense for your interactions to become more challenging and alien over time.

That she is a bit flabbergasted is not surprising.

For you, too.

Feeling helpless, beaten down, and overwhelmed may be the cause of her frustration.

In terms of how it usually goes, when anger starts to really brew inside them, there is much greater likelihood that they begin to become silent, dark and withdrawn.

Try not to let it come to that point.

Find out exactly (pinpoint) where the hurt lies. What does she feel powerless about? Does she feel you were irresponsible toward her in regards to her? One of the main characteristics a woman looks for in a man is his trustworthiness. Be honest with her. Don't turn your back on her. Lean in. Ask thoughtful questions.

Rhythms only seem to develop if you are really honest about what each of us needs from the other, and if everyone follows the rules together. 

Hopefully, you are taking good care of yourself as well, so that you can take a break whenever you feel the need to.

[bb1471]

Now I hate this word completely.....

There was a comedy program on TV with Ricky Gervais (afterlife) and he used it ALL the time. Cringe. Since then my wife uses it.

I hate it and I have told her. Its always said as part of a joke (i.e. not at me!) and, of course, never in front of our kids or when theres other people around. (Maybe a bit if we're out in a bar).

She says I'm being uptight about it and I'd never tell one of my friends not to say it. I would and have actually but she doesnt believe me.

 

Got to be fair she has changed a bit with the menopause. I guess this is to be expected. OK so if I make a big deal out of this it'll be an argument.

Maybe its just me thinking a middle aged mother shouldnt speak like this? 

 

So honest opinion am I being uptight a little? Or too controlling? And need to let it go a bit?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, bb1471 said:

Maybe its just me thinking a middle aged mother shouldnt speak like this?

It's hard to believe talking like a sailor is an entirely new thing. Does she get drunk and sloppy in bars?  Before this tv show was she well spoken or was she always a bit rough around the edges?

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, bb1471 said:

Now I hate this word completely.....

....

I hate it and I have told her. Its always said as part of a joke (i.e. not at me!) and, of course, never in front of our kids or when theres other people around. (Maybe a bit if we're out in a bar).

....

Maybe its just me thinking a middle aged mother shouldnt speak like this? 

So honest opinion am I being uptight a little? Or too controlling? And need to let it go a bit?

Yes and no. 

In general you are being uptight about it and falling into the whole Madonna/whore thinking, because she is not using this word in the wrong company (except yours).

Then again this word is an emotional trigger for you, so in that sense you'd think she would listen and try not to use it around you.

[Els]

If she's not saying it in inappropriate circumstances, I personally have a difficult time understanding why it's such a big issue for you.

That being said, it IS a big issue for you, so as her partner you definitely have the prerogative to request (not demand) that she not say it when talking with you, because it makes you uncomfortable. Emphasize this when you make this request... "when you say X it makes me feel Y, so I would really appreciate it if you try not to say it when I'm around". Don't say that she shouldn't say it, or it's "wrong", etc.

Edited June 1, 2022 by Elswyth

[vla1120]

That is my least favorite curse word. I hate that word, myself. I only use it in very specific situations, when someone evokes the meaning of that word. Even then, I use the phrase "See You Next Tuesday". I can't even bring myself to say the word outloud. Can you tell her to use the phrase instead of the word? 

[SingFish]

I watched 'Afterlife' @bb1471 and it was great except for the superfluous swearing! I don't think I'd like it around the house 🤯

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/1/2022 at 9:39 AM, bb1471 said:

Maybe its just me thinking a middle aged mother shouldnt speak like this? 

Eh, it's not really up to you to decide how she should or shouldn't speak. 

Ask her not to say it around you because it makes you feel uncomfortable. 

[mrs rubble]

I'm not particularly fond of the word either, but look up Kevin Bloody Wilson's song "You can't say C#%% in Canada" play it for her, she might find an alternative term you approve of to replace it with.

[glows]

On 6/1/2022 at 12:39 AM, bb1471 said:

OK so if I make a big deal out of this it'll be an argument.

This is really between the two of you but the above already shows she doesn’t care to listen to you nor respects what you have to say. When one ignores the other or disagrees or dismisses what the other has to say you have bigger issues and I don’t think it’s hormones. My guess is that you both married one another knowing what the other is like and this is just the tip of the iceberg if there are other resentments in your marriage. Maybe it’s even a scapegoat for bigger issues. 

You did mention that you may not feel this is how a middle aged mother should speak. To me, it sounds like you’re not heard in the marriage and trying to be heard. It’s not getting through and you’re coming across as controlling, nitpicky etc. 

When either of you stop caring about how the other feels, you’ve got a big problem. I’d address the underlying issues. There’s not enough care in the relationship.
 

[Will am I]

What Glows says.

This not about the C-word. It's about your norms and values (in which women at a certain position in life shouldn't use certain language) and about your wife's rejection of your request when you try to get your point across. I think the relational angle is more interesting than the actual content of what you're trying to communicate.

It is hard to judge the relational side of conversation unless you are actually in the room. But from a distance it looks like this:

you: "please don't use that word" (I can dictate what language I find appropriate for you)

she: "don't be so uptight about it.  You would never tell any of your friends not to say it." (you are not in a position to tell me what language to use, and you're undermining your own credibility because you're not consistent)

 

What she is rejecting seems to be far greater than your dislike of the C-word. She seems to reject at least a part of your assumed authority. I read in another topic that she's going through menopause? I hear that women tend to become a bit more self-aware and confident in that age.

---

unrelated P.S.:

Enjoy the show. After Life has a magnificent mix of a very deep sadness and catchy, light hearted humour to it. For my is was well worth stepping over Ricky's tendency to use a lot of swear words.

Edited June 2, 2022 by Will am I
After Life :)

[Alpacalia]

In some circles, the word 'c' is not seen as having a positive connotation whatsoever.

Even though both Chaucer and Shakespeare referred to the "c-word" in the course of their works.

I would say in certain circumstances that such words are no longer just words -- they are expressions of anger without addressing the appropriate solutions to the problem. It may be safe to assume your wife's use of foul language may be coming from an angry place inside her, and before she stops it she needs to identify what is driving her anger.

Perhaps one strategy is for you to start utilizing the word *male rooster* (insert expletive) in the future around her.

Maybe that will diffuse the situation.

Or, tell her that you believe she is a good mother and wife, and that her foul language does not reflect that.

Edited June 2, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

What country are you in?  The reason I ask is that in some countries it's never got a positive connotation and in others it can be a regular swear word or even a term of endearment between mates.  For example, she picked it up off Ricky Gervais.  He's British and the word has much more casual use there.

Just looking for context.

Edited June 2, 2022 by basil67

[Woggle]

Lighten up and let her curse.

[basil67]

@bb1471 I'm a post menopausal woman, as are many of my friends.  I've found that there comes a time when many women get tired of being told how to behave and they get more outspoken, thinking and talking as they please.  So you could well be dealing with a woman who's fed up with societal norms.  

I understand that you have told other people to not use the word, but the reason your wife thinks you wouldn't do it is because it's rude to correct the language of friends and acquaintances....and she doesn't think you would do such a thing.   Adding the caveat that it's OK to ask a friend to check their language when in your home or around your children.  I don't allow swearing in front of my parrots because they might pick it up.

 

Edited June 3, 2022 by basil67

[Will am I]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

I've found that there comes a time when many women get tired of being told how to behave and they get more outspoken, thinking and talking as they please. 

My point excactly :)

She doesn't seem to be accepting his rules about appropriate language anymore. Which probably has more to do with not wanting to submit than with the c-word.