Need tips to deal with menopause - I.e. my wifes lol

[SingFish]

On 6/2/2022 at 6:18 AM, Alpacalia said:

such words are no longer just words -- they are expressions of anger without addressing the appropriate solutions to the problem.

Especially if done deliberately to annoy someone close. 

[bb1471]

I try so hard but I am REALLY REALLY bad at not taking it personally.

I know its hard for her but I never realised how bad the mood swings would be. I love her to bits but sometimes her behaviour seems to be almost like she hates me.

I really want to be supportive and let these things go but I have difficulty. Any guys out there with any tips?

What I want to be able to do is just think "oh shes having a bad day and let any crap just slide off me like water off a ducks back". Can't at the moment I just get annoyed

[bb1471]

On 6/2/2022 at 10:46 AM, Will am I said:

What Glows says.

This not about the C-word. It's about your norms and values (in which women at a certain position in life shouldn't use certain language) and about your wife's rejection of your request when you try to get your point across. I think the relational angle is more interesting than the actual content of what you're trying to communicate.

It is hard to judge the relational side of conversation unless you are actually in the room. But from a distance it looks like this:

you: "please don't use that word" (I can dictate what language I find appropriate for you)

she: "don't be so uptight about it.  You would never tell any of your friends not to say it." (you are not in a position to tell me what language to use, and you're undermining your own credibility because you're not consistent)

 

What she is rejecting seems to be far greater than your dislike of the C-word. She seems to reject at least a part of your assumed authority. I read in another topic that she's going through menopause? I hear that women tend to become a bit more self-aware and confident in that age.

---

unrelated P.S.:

Enjoy the show. After Life has a magnificent mix of a very deep sadness and catchy, light hearted humour to it. For my is was well worth stepping over Ricky's tendency to use a lot of swear words.

Basically yep this seems to be it.

[bb1471]

On 6/2/2022 at 10:45 PM, basil67 said:

What country are you in?  The reason I ask is that in some countries it's never got a positive connotation and in others it can be a regular swear word or even a term of endearment between mates.  For example, she picked it up off Ricky Gervais.  He's British and the word has much more casual use there.

Just looking for context.

British..... hmmm its not considered a nice thing to say to be honest..... 

[bb1471]

On 6/3/2022 at 1:41 PM, Will am I said:

My point excactly

She doesn't seem to be accepting his rules about appropriate language anymore. Which probably has more to do with not wanting to submit than with the c-word.

I get that her attitude is "dont tell me what I can and can't do". Seems fair enough.

She came up with the old "you're being sexist you wouldnt tell one your friends". Wrong there - I have done recently.

I just think there's sticking up for not being told what to do and theres when someone asks you not to do because they don't like it. I don't see why I can't say "look I don't like that word please don't say it".

[understand50]

Patience, patience, and yet more patience.  If you were together when she was pregnant, same sort of issues.  You will both have to adjust. 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

40 minutes ago, bb1471 said:

What I want to be able to do is just think "oh shes having a bad day and let any crap just slide off me like water off a ducks back". Can't at the moment I just get annoyed

Well tbh just because she's menopausal doesn't mean she's allowed to be rude to you.  The next time she does it calmly tell her you're sorry for what she's going through but you will not allow her to take it out on you.  My husband had to have that talk with me and I cut it out because he was right, that's not fair.  Also don't talk to her and walk away when she is in the throes of a hotflash because her temper will rise as well.

Edited June 8, 2022 by stillafool

[Els]

4 hours ago, bb1471 said:

I get that her attitude is "dont tell me what I can and can't do". Seems fair enough.

She came up with the old "you're being sexist you wouldnt tell one your friends". Wrong there - I have done recently.

I just think there's sticking up for not being told what to do and theres when someone asks you not to do because they don't like it. I don't see why I can't say "look I don't like that word please don't say it".

I don't think you understand the nuances that we are trying to bring up here..

Nobody has the right to tell someone else to never say a certain word, period, unless that person is your underage child. It is, however, okay to ask someone to please not do it around you because it makes you uncomfortable.

Did you try making that distinction with her?

[glows]

4 hours ago, bb1471 said:

I get that her attitude is "dont tell me what I can and can't do". Seems fair enough.

She came up with the old "you're being sexist you wouldnt tell one your friends". Wrong there - I have done recently.

I just think there's sticking up for not being told what to do and theres when someone asks you not to do because they don't like it. I don't see why I can't say "look I don't like that word please don't say it".

If you’re intending to stay married as one other alluded to, patience. Yes, speak your mind and if she argues or wants to pick a fight leave the room. Don’t escalate the issue. 

[Alpacalia]

No one wants to be around someone who walks on eggshells around everyone, but what's she reacting to? 

Perhaps her reaction is part of your relation? The more I poke you in the same spot, the more you ignore it, the more it hurts, and the more you lash out, maybe after I poke you one hundred times. I will say “what's wrong with you” as I didn't even realize (not wanting to admit) the poke was a poke. 

Does she only act this way towards you?

Isn't your wife also suffering from fibromyalgia?

Women's physiology is different from that of men, so their responses to situations differ. Regardless of her temperament, whether emotional, psychological, hormonal, or even a lifestyle factor, an emotional outburst is usually better for their health than to become neutral and affirm your ever smiling vision of her.

In any event, advice is not one size fits all. Whenever you find something that works for you, keep doing it. If it does not, try something else. 

It is not your birthright to parent your wife, so if she is lashing out at you because she is frustrated with her mood swings, then please remember that you were not born to handle her problems. A professional counselor can help her in this regard very well.

 

Edited June 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

[bb1471]

Still finding it REALLY hard to be honest.... I think part of the problem is maybe I take things a bit too personally...

She was away this weekend on a sports tour. Straight back to work today. Remember she has fibro so I guess shes struggling a bit. And her mother is here for a few days (the perfect storm!).

Got to admit never seen anything like the mood she was just in when she came in. You tell by the look on her face and I thought here we go.

I went to say hi and said something like "hey" and she said "why do you keep saying that its really weird" which I must admit wound me up a bit. Yeh maybe I took it a bit personally but I didn't think that comment was necessary.

So I reacted a bit and said "whats the matter with you? You look like someones told you the worlds coming to an end...." Yeh not the best thing to say. So shes off then 0-100mph in 2 seconds. Made it a bit worse by saying "hey just chill out a bit".

I think part of the problem is I just don't get how someone can be in such a bad mood. It annoys me maybe that she brings pretty much a black cloud into the home and it affects everyone. I just think theres no need for it. And then her tactless comments - yeh maybe I make too much of it but I just think sometimes "why can't you just be nice?"

All OK now but, once again, I had to play the peacemaker and calm it all down.....

Honestly, it drains the life out of me sometimes....

Any comments/suggestions?