Break to recover?

[StillSearching]

I’ve met this man through a mutual friend. We have a long distance relationship - he is US and I in Canada. Same time zone. 
We first met in person in November and he took a leap of faith to visit me in person after 2 months of texting and video chats. We connected and I visited him the following month. We end up visiting each other every 1-1.5 months, but all visits were 3-4 days only. After 6-months in our relationship, he wanted to break-up. He mentioned he doesn’t have the feeling anymore - nothing specific to the relationship. I don’t want to breakup and have the feeling to fall in love with him. I’ve asked for us to take a month break and to exercise our thoughts before concluding that. What should I do next? 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

 - he is US and I in Canada. Same time zone. After 6-months in our relationship, he wanted to break-up. He mentioned he doesn’t have the feeling anymore - 

Sorry this is happening. Perhaps he is looking at practical issues such as the distance, costs, moving countries and general frustration of long distance. Accept the breakup and delete and block him. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to available, single, interested, local men. Meet after a few messages. Anyone who can not meet in a timely fashion or contacts you from a distance is a red flag.

[glows]

21 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

I’ve met this man through a mutual friend. We have a long distance relationship - he is US and I in Canada. Same time zone. 
We first met in person in November and he took a leap of faith to visit me in person after 2 months of texting and video chats. We connected and I visited him the following month. We end up visiting each other every 1-1.5 months, but all visits were 3-4 days only. After 6-months in our relationship, he wanted to break-up. He mentioned he doesn’t have the feeling anymore - nothing specific to the relationship. I don’t want to breakup and have the feeling to fall in love with him. I’ve asked for us to take a month break and to exercise our thoughts before concluding that. What should I do next? 

What’s the intention with dating across borders? Was one of you planning to move? Apply for a job internationally? Apply for PR? 

Do nothing and respect his wishes that he wants to end it. You can’t force someone to stay. Never beg for someone to retrace their steps or backtrack from a break up.

[StillSearching]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

What’s the intention with dating across borders? Was one of you planning to move? Apply for a job internationally? Apply for PR? 

Do nothing and respect his wishes that he wants to end it. You can’t force someone to stay. Never beg for someone to retrace their steps or backtrack from a break up.

Thank you for your response. I was happy and comfortable. No one have ever made me feel like that in my life and I love the connections we built. He would move in with me in Canada was the plan.  

We’re on a break now, and I hope the space allows him to reflect further. If he concludes that by the end of the month, then I will respect his wish. In the mean time, I would like to hear any suggestions on how I can reconnect his emotions to the relationship again. 
 

I’m planning to write a card with how I feel… don’t know if that’s a good idea or not. 

[StillSearching]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Perhaps he is looking at practical issues such as the distance, costs, moving countries and general frustration of long distance. Accept the breakup and delete and block him. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to available, single, interested, local men. Meet after a few messages. Anyone who can not meet in a timely fashion or contacts you from a distance is a red flag.

Thank you for your response. 

[glows]

14 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Thank you for your response. I was happy and comfortable. No one have ever made me feel like that in my life and I love the connections we built. He would move in with me in Canada was the plan.  

We’re on a break now, and I hope the space allows him to reflect further. If he concludes that by the end of the month, then I will respect his wish. In the mean time, I would like to hear any suggestions on how I can reconnect his emotions to the relationship again. 
 

I’m planning to write a card with how I feel… don’t know if that’s a good idea or not. 

Someone who is willing to move or so much as think let alone speak of such relocation needs to be a lot more grounded than this. One moment he wants to move to Canada and six months later (nothing to do with the relationship) he changes his mind. You're dealing with a changeable and flighty person and it's possible you both made hypothetical plans in the first flush of romance. 

A card may help you feel better or feel like you're making an effort to "reconnect" him to the relationship but be careful that it's not denial speaking.

Please make sure you're dealing with a stable person before developing any attachment. He seems too flighty and the desire to move poses more questions than answers. Is he running away from something/someone? 

I'd bide your time and be observant in the next few weeks. Start rethinking the entire scenario. Say nothing. 

[StillSearching]

37 minutes ago, glows said:

Someone who is willing to move or so much as think let alone speak of such relocation needs to be a lot more grounded than this. One moment he wants to move to Canada and six months later (nothing to do with the relationship) he changes his mind. You're dealing with a changeable and flighty person and it's possible you both made hypothetical plans in the first flush of romance. 

A card may help you feel better or feel like you're making an effort to "reconnect" him to the relationship but be careful that it's not denial speaking.

Please make sure you're dealing with a stable person before developing any attachment. He seems too flighty and the desire to move poses more questions than answers. Is he running away from something/someone? 

I'd bide your time and be observant in the next few weeks. Start rethinking the entire scenario. Say nothing. 

Thank you for your response - very true. Appreciate it very much. 
 

Yes, it was a sudden/surprise for me when he decide to want to break-up. There were no discussions about any issues, and effort to talk and work on it - compromise. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, StillSearching said:

Thank you for your response - very true. Appreciate it very much. 
 

Yes, it was a sudden/surprise for me when he decide to want to break-up. There were no discussions about any issues, and effort to talk and work on it - compromise. 

Take a step back and use the time to think. It'll take a few days for the dust to settle and let the difficult emotions subside so wait for that clarity and don't rush anything or rush to clamour for his attention. Be careful who you let into your life too.

[StillSearching]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

Take a step back and use the time to think. It'll take a few days for the dust to settle and let the difficult emotions subside so wait for that clarity and don't rush anything or rush to clamour for his attention. Be careful who you let into your life too.

It’s been tough! But yes, I am holding back to get his attention. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, StillSearching said:

I don’t want to breakup and have the feeling to fall in love with him. I’ve asked for us to take a month break and to exercise our thoughts before concluding that. What should I do next? 

I don't believe in breaks when a couple is trying to work things out because I feel they should work on the relationship together.  

 

1 hour ago, StillSearching said:

In the mean time, I would like to hear any suggestions on how I can reconnect his emotions to the relationship again. 

You can't do anything to reconnect his emotions he has to feel it and want to be with you again.

 

24 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Yes, it was a sudden/surprise for me when he decide to want to break-up. There were no discussions about any issues, and effort to talk and work on it - compromise. 

Since he's the one who asked for the break up and you convinced him to take a month to think about it, just wait until the end of that month and hear his decision.   It doesn't look good for you.

[StillSearching]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't believe in breaks when a couple is trying to work things out because I feel they should work on the relationship together.  

 

You can't do anything to reconnect his emotions he has to feel it and want to be with you again.

 

Since he's the one who asked for the break up and you convinced him to take a month to think about it, just wait until the end of that month and hear his decision.   It doesn't look good for you.

Thank you, everyone. I understand it doesn’t look good for me. I’m hopeful though. 
 

I’ve asked for us to work on it together, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that. Hoping the space and absence of me in his life may reconnect that. 

Will wait for that month to come. 

[glows]

33 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

It’s been tough! But yes, I am holding back to get his attention. 

That's not what I meant by taking a step back. 

Don't use the push/pull to get someone to miss you. Take it seriously when someone doesn't want to be with you. Rethink the situation and take a step back because he doesn't want to be with you.

[StillSearching]

39 minutes ago, glows said:

That's not what I meant by taking a step back. 

Don't use the push/pull to get someone to miss you. Take it seriously when someone doesn't want to be with you. Rethink the situation and take a step back because he doesn't want to be with you.

Yes.. I need some time to myself. Evaluate my values. 

[flitzanu]

1 hour ago, StillSearching said:

 

I’ve asked for us to work on it together, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that.

that's what a breakup is, that he no longer has to "work on things" in the relationship since he ended it. 

if you want him to think about you, then disappear and let him wonder what you are up to.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, StillSearching said:

Hoping the space and absence of me in his life may reconnect that. 

You're already long-distance. He shouldn't need even more space to spark something agian. When you reach this point, you're really just bargaining with yourself because the truth is still too painful to confront. 

2 hours ago, StillSearching said:

I’ve asked for us to work on it together, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that.

Unforunately, you're right. That's why he tried to break up with you. He didn't come to you expressing a desire to work on something specific. He simply wanted to end it. My guess is that he agreed to this break only to feel a little less guilty for hurting you, but he's mostly just biding his time. 

4 hours ago, StillSearching said:

I would like to hear any suggestions on how I can reconnect his emotions to the relationship again. 

To be blunt? You can't. This isn't something that can be manufactured, and certainly not by the party who's not the one that lost interest. Those feelings are either there, or they aren't. Just as you can't switch off your desire to be in this relationship, he can't just switch his on. It hurts but it's out of your control. 

I'm sorry, OP. It really sucks when we like someone and this is what happens, but I think he's already made his choice and is doing the right thing in letting you go if he knows he just doesn't want to be in this anymore. It's going to feel a lot worse when you are the only making an effort, and he is just waiting for the month to be up so you can part ways on your terms instead of his. But I don't see this working out the way you hope. Save the energy for a man you don't have to convince not to dump you. 

[StillSearching]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're already long-distance. He shouldn't need even more space to spark something agian. When you reach this point, you're really just bargaining with yourself because the truth is still too painful to confront. 

Unforunately, you're right. That's why he tried to break up with you. He didn't come to you expressing a desire to work on something specific. He simply wanted to end it. My guess is that he agreed to this break only to feel a little less guilty for hurting you, but he's mostly just biding his time. 

To be blunt? You can't. This isn't something that can be manufactured, and certainly not by the party who's not the one that lost interest. Those feelings are either there, or they aren't. Just as you can't switch off your desire to be in this relationship, he can't just switch his on. It hurts but it's out of your control. 

I'm sorry, OP. It really sucks when we like someone and this is what happens, but I think he's already made his choice and is doing the right thing in letting you go if he knows he just doesn't want to be in this anymore. It's going to feel a lot worse when you are the only making an effort, and he is just waiting for the month to be up so you can part ways on your terms instead of his. But I don't see this working out the way you hope. Save the energy for a man you don't have to convince not to dump you. 

Thank you for your advice. Reason for the space to reflect is that I expressed my feelings after he wanted to break up. 

After expressing myself in person, he held me close and rested his head on my shoulder for 30 minutes in silence. He was taking deep breaths while holding me. On our way to the airport, where he was dropping me off, I had my hand placed it on his lap and said his name - I told him I love him. He grabbed my arm firmly, and looked me in the eye, and said in confidence and authentic, “I love you too”. As I was grabbing my bags out of the trunk, he walked over and hugged me. We held and kissed. He whispered, “see you soon”. 
 

All in all, I think I am getting mixed messages from him. He may be fighting himself against something too. 

I think I wasn’t emotionally vulnerable during our time together - I displayed that afterwards and he can evaluate from there. 

I’m hopeful, but I understand it’s unlikely. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

I think I am getting mixed messages from him. He may be fighting himself against something too. 

I actually don't see any mixed messages. 

I see a man who felt bad hurting you, and cares a lot about you. But ultimately still chose to end it - and you yourself said he doesn't seem to want to work on it. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I think you're projecting your hope onto him and seeing reading into things that don't mean what you hope they do. 

 

[StillSearching]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I actually don't see any mixed messages. 

I see a man who felt bad hurting you, and cares a lot about you. But ultimately still chose to end it - and you yourself said he doesn't seem to want to work on it. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I think you're projecting your hope onto him and seeing reading into things that don't mean what you hope they do. 

 

Thank you for that insight! That helps - an outside perspective. 

[stillafool]

42 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

After expressing myself in person, he held me close and rested his head on my shoulder for 30 minutes in silence. He was taking deep breaths while holding me. On our way to the airport, where he was dropping me off, I had my hand placed it on his lap and said his name - I told him I love him. He grabbed my arm firmly, and looked me in the eye, and said in confidence and authentic, “I love you too”. As I was grabbing my bags out of the trunk, he walked over and hugged me. We held and kissed. He whispered, “see you soon”. 
 

He probably does "love" you, but is he "in love" with you.  I think not or he wouldn't have let you go so easily.

[StillSearching]

54 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He probably does "love" you, but is he "in love" with you.  I think not or he wouldn't have let you go so easily.

Perhaps. Love is built upon overcoming struggles and celebrations - highs and lows. 
Yeah, it seemed easily for him to let me go in an instance without discussing about issues and working on a solution together. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, StillSearching said:

Yeah, it seemed easily for him to let me go in an instance without discussing about issues and working on a solution together. 

And sadly, that's how you know it's over. 

Waiting a month isn't going to change the outcome here. I know it's painful but it will be more painful to drag out the inevitable end. I wouldn't put myself through that. The right man for you won't compel you to launch a campaign to stay together. 

[BaileyB]

22 hours ago, StillSearching said:

What should I do next? 

Let him go. Whether you want to be in a relationship or not is irrelevant if he has decided that he no longer wants the relationship.

I’m sorry, I would say goodbye and make myself busy as a form of distraction and healing. Best wishes. 

[glows]

18 hours ago, StillSearching said:

Perhaps. Love is built upon overcoming struggles and celebrations - highs and lows. 
Yeah, it seemed easily for him to let me go in an instance without discussing about issues and working on a solution together. 

It's strange that he never talked about the personal reasons for ending the relationship with you yet you've thought this was love. There's some major disparity there. Don't open yourself to someone so quickly when you can't be sure what their exact reasons are for not walking the talk. He backed out of the relationship and after the time you spent together or phone calls and texts, it seems surprising that you don't know at all why he ended things. 

That large gap in understanding would be causing me to take a huge step back, not put my life on hold for someone I don't know well.

[StillSearching]

4 hours ago, glows said:

It's strange that he never talked about the personal reasons for ending the relationship with you yet you've thought this was love. There's some major disparity there. Don't open yourself to someone so quickly when you can't be sure what their exact reasons are for not walking the talk. He backed out of the relationship and after the time you spent together or phone calls and texts, it seems surprising that you don't know at all why he ended things. 

That large gap in understanding would be causing me to take a huge step back, not put my life on hold for someone I don't know well.

He said he doesn’t feel the romantic feeling anymore and we aren’t “congruent” and when I asked for specifics, I did not get specifics. Surprise one day, I get heart and kiss emojis, the next, a break-up call. 

You’re right. I don’t know why he ended things. There were no effort to chat about it before making this unilateral decision. I’ve asked for one month to work things out together, and was told no. Hence the silence option for a month was proposed instead for both of us to exercise our thoughts. Like everyone says, it’s unlikely to turn around. 

I am coming more in terms of acceptance, as this feeling has been very exhausting. There was a slight of hope when I felt something was still there when we kissed and that he told me that he loves me before I flew out. But as you have mentioned, he may have just felt bad hurting me. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

He said he doesn’t feel the romantic feeling anymore and we aren’t “congruent” and when I asked for specifics, I did not get specifics. Surprise one day, I get heart and kiss emojis, the next, a break-up call. 

Sorry, breakups hurt. It's possible he met someone locally. You have  to consider that when there seems to be a 180 turnaround. And in Long distance in particular due to the loneliness and lack of relationship activities when apart.