Wife's 16 month Affair

[Benben111]

Hi,

Now this will be a long one. Here is the backstory, So I have been with my wife for 9 years (we are both 31 and have a 7 year old daughter). At the time I worked in the events industry and when covid hit I was forced into a 40% - 50% pay cut. Now due to the visa restriction I was unable to get a new job and I spent the whole of covid looking after our daughter alone in the evenings and at weekends and struggling to keep everyone at my work employed so they could feed there families. This put a massive amount of stress on me and her. 

Anyway, there has been a question mark for a long time, she started coming home with luxury items, going out with the girls about 3 to 4 times a month and ignored our daughter/spent zero time with her and this frustrated me as she also stopped providing her side of the finances even though she was working full time still.....and financially we were in a very bad state.

After 16 months I managed to be free from visa restrictions and landed a great new job, but three days after starting the position her phone buzzed and I opened it to find out she was chatting to and it was from a man named 'my sweetheart'. I read enough to know what had been happening but she got the phone and deleted everything. 

When questioned, she lied and said she cheated only two times and wouldn't say any more. Over the next 5 days I managed to find out the following (and this is just some of the main points.....There is so much more)

- it had been going on for at least 12 months

- they had been on weekend trips (she was meant to be working) 

- they went to a big boxing match (boxing was my passion for many years and I couldn't go due to funds) 

- she introduced him to my daughter on two occasion and he even went to my daughters awards show whilst i was stuck in a meeting

- they had many meals, breakfast dates, day trips, had sex in hotels many many times

- they booked a trip overseas together to see her family (she informed them I had ran away and left her)

- talked about making me jealous and building a new life together 

AND SO MUCH MORE

AND SHE PAID FOR EVEYRHTING ACCORDING TO HER BANK RECORDS 

 

Affair Partner, started to threaten to attack me, and she thanks him. They also planned together on how to manipulate me further. After I found out, they continued to talk/meet for another 3 months until one day he told her to 'F off'. She has since blocked him on everything from social media t his phone number.

THE AFFAIR PARTNER (50 years old)

- Banned form seeing his own children

- lives with his girlfriend 

- has had problems with hard drugs 

- 14 court appearances in 2 years for everything from DUI, assault  and other petty stuff

- Borrowed up to $6,000 from my wife due to being fired (failed drug test and another for sexual harassment) 

and she knew most of this but said she felt bad for him. 

My wife was kicked out of our house and my daughter has been living with me but now she wants me back and says she always loved me and it was just a silly mistake. I don't know what to do but the truth is, she left me to rot through covid when I needed her and preferred to throw me away so she can live the high life with her low life. 

I am mentally messed up as she spends all day every day saying she wants her family back and she never wanted him........is it worth trying again?

 

 

[Mrin]

No. Sorry. It isn't worth trying again.

 

Edited June 9, 2022 by Mrin

[glows]

What’s your reasoning or thoughts behind reconciling? 

Try to come up with some solid reasons aside from emotions or feeling messed up. Is it for your child?

Do you have family who can support you and help care for your daughter? Have you spoken with a lawyer regarding options for divorce or custody?

Don’t isolate yourself and get the proper support and answers from the professionals. Do not fall for any threats and limit contact with her if she’s disrespectful or harassing you. 

[Benben111]

My reason is that people can change I guess and she has over the last few weeks started putting in the effort. But I can't shake the fact she didn't end the affair or even tried to be honest until he told her to go away. 

 

She doesn't care about finances and has signed a child custody order giving me full rights as her way of saying she won't fight me. I have no family in this country as we moved overseas and all my friends are blown away as well as my family as no one thought she was capable of this. 

 

im very lonely and other than this high pressure job I don't actually get to see anyone other than her and my daughter (who i love very much but I guess i need some adult time) 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Benben111 said:

My reason is that people can change I guess and she has over the last few weeks started putting in the effort. But I can't shake the fact she didn't end the affair or even tried to be honest until he told her to go away. 

 

She doesn't care about finances and has signed a child custody order giving me full rights as her way of saying she won't fight me. I have no family in this country as we moved overseas and all my friends are blown away as well as my family as no one thought she was capable of this. 

 

im very lonely and other than this high pressure job I don't actually get to see anyone other than her and my daughter (who i love very much but I guess i need some adult time) 

I would look into booking an appointment or consultation with a therapist trained in family issues or separation as well. It would benefit you to have that sounding board and feel supported emotionally/mentally. 

A lawyer will also give you more insight on your case specific to you, your family issues and jurisdiction, any shared assets and so on. Don’t let this fall to the wayside just because she handed you a child custody order for now.

People can change but it usually doesn’t happen in a short period. If you know a person’s character as selfish/self-serving or manipulative, trust your instincts. You will also think clearer with the appropriate support. 

See your doctor also for a full check up and STD testing. 

Remind yourself to stay strong and think clearly for yourself and your daughter. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Benben111 said:

.is it worth trying again?

Absolutely not, no. 

1 hour ago, Benben111 said:

she has over the last few weeks started putting in the effort

Yeah, and why do you suppose that is? Because her boyfriend told her to go away. I guarantee she wouldn't be "putting in effort" if he was still in the picture. And don't forget, he might indeed come back and she will stop putting in the effort with you again. 

2 hours ago, Benben111 said:

she never wanted him

She is lying. Come on, man. You know the truth here, even if it hurts like hell. 

This woman is awful. She lied to you and about you, put you in harm's way, put your daughter in harm's way, disrespected you in just about every way you can think of. This marriage is not salvagable. I'm sorry. 

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, Benben111 said:

 

My wife was kicked out of our house and my daughter has been living with me but now she wants me back and says she always loved me and it was just a silly mistake. I don't know what to do but the truth is, she left me to rot through covid when I needed her and preferred to throw me away so she can live the high life with her low life. 

I am mentally messed up as she spends all day every day saying she wants her family back and she never wanted him........is it worth trying again?

 

 

There's affairs. And there's affairs.

Some women feel desperate and lonely and misunderstood and not valued in their marriages and (most of all) insecure about themselves. Then they connect with someone who does give them attention and makes an effort to make them feel good about themselves and they open up and they melt and there's the start of an affair.

The other type is where a woman seems to be looking to leave her spouse and actively uses another man to help her with her own selfish goals.

 

For the first type, I think there can be a road to reconciliation and recovery, if both partners own up to their share in the situation and commit to make it work better in the future and the betrayed spouse actively chooses to forgive his/her partner for fleeing into the affair and to acknowledge that it was a move out of desperation.

For the second type, I don't see that possibility. The problem is there is no respect for the betrayed husband. 

 

I think that this is a "type 2" situation. I am sorry to bring this to you, but I do not see how you can ever be with your wife again and feel good about yourself. Her mere presence in your home would be an ongoing beating up of your dignity as a man. I believe that you will resent her forever.

 

I'm the romantic type and I love to look for reconciliation and recovery when there is only a slight posibility. But frankly I don't see it here.

[LAspen]

Man, she's a terrible person and manipulates you. She betrayed you as a lover, husband and personality, constantly lied and is lying now. She has cruelly humiliated and insulted you, your male pride. She's a betrayer squared: as your spouse and as a person who thanked her lover for wanting to attack you. Ask yourself, do you want to live with her for the rest of your life, do you want this toxic person to be constantly with your daughter?
In my opinion, the answer to this question is clear.

[vla1120]

10 hours ago, Benben111 said:

Affair Partner, started to threaten to attack me, and she thanks him.

If I were you, that would be all I need to know. Her affair didn't work out, so she wants to fall back on the soft spot that you provide. I'd say no. Let her flounder with her poor decisions. You should just concentrate on the well-being of you and your daughter. 

10 hours ago, Benben111 said:

........is it worth trying again?

She doesn't regret having the affair. She purposefully planned to manipulate you further and encouraged her AP to to do the same, and worse. No. It is not worth trying again. She's not a good person. She doesn't feel remorse for having the affair. She feels remorse for it ending, and just wants to go back to her safe life now that it's over (and not of her own doing.)

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Benben111 said:

I am mentally messed up as she spends all day every day saying she wants her family back and she never wanted him........is it worth trying again?

Wow, that sounds brutal. You must make your own decisions - I think if it was me, I'd be talking to a lawyer and seeing how much spousal support I'd be likely to be entitled to. Difficult choice given that there is a kid, but personally I don't think I could come back from something like this...

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Benben111 said:

She doesn't care about finances and has signed a child custody order giving me full rights as her way of saying she won't fight me. I have no family in this country as we moved overseas and all my friends are blown away as well as my family as no one thought she was capable of this. 

Talk to an attorney about your rights and options in divorce. The courts decide what is in the child's best interest not the parental fighting. 

[Benben111]

Thanks for the replies and advice. I guess this is just a bit too much to deal with. Yes she is very manipulative and I actually don't recognise the woman anymore. 

 

Everyone who knows us seems to be shocked by this and it is out of character. However, she has become a terrible person but has changed yet again to say I never gave her a chance to make things right. 

It's almost like she is two different people at the same time. 

[glows]

24 minutes ago, Benben111 said:

Thanks for the replies and advice. I guess this is just a bit too much to deal with. Yes she is very manipulative and I actually don't recognise the woman anymore. 

 

Everyone who knows us seems to be shocked by this and it is out of character. However, she has become a terrible person but has changed yet again to say I never gave her a chance to make things right. 

It's almost like she is two different people at the same time. 

It’ll appear that way because you’ve known her prior to the marriage break down. This has crossed a point of no return.

[Will am I]

On 6/10/2022 at 5:44 AM, Benben111 said:

It's almost like she is two different people at the same time. 

It occurs ro me that there’s no big probabiliy of someone in adult age suddenly developing MPD or something similar.

The more probable explanation is that your wife always had a very selfish side, but in the past she would put more effort in hiding that and showing her pleasant side.

Came covid, lockdowns, loss of work and income, she decided that she’d rather let her selfish side prevail. 

If I were you and she were my wife, my image of her would be retroactively and permanently altered. I would not be able to be her husband anymore.

 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ben Ben, you have to be clear as to what you want for yourself and your child. Your wife has sowed her wild oats while being married to you and now that her lover threw her under the bus, you have suddenly become very valuable to her all over again. Just suppose that similar circumstances as what happened when you were down on your luck and she was still earning a good salary, happens again in the future, say five to six years down the line. Do you not think that she will repeat this behaviour? She has shown you her true colours and if you refuse to see the reality of your situation then it is not her fault but yours and you stand to reap the consequences of your error in perception! 

You are her Plan B and unless you are ready to play second fiddle to her for the rest of your life, do not fall into the trap she is laying for you! This is a woman who is completely unprincipled and will be ready to jump ship the moment things get tough in your marriage. Let her bear the consequences of her actions alone do that she learns her lesson, if at all, so that she can be a better partner for someone else. You would serve your interests best by finding a decent woman, who values you for what you are and loves and cherishes you inspite of the difficulties life periodically throws at all of us in our lives. You have sterling qualities and there will be many worthwhile women who would be happy to share their lives with you. Choose one such, wisely. Warm regards.

Edited June 11, 2022 by Just a Guy
Correction of spelling errors.

[BaileyB]

On 6/9/2022 at 12:24 AM, Benben111 said:

is it worth trying again?

No. I would not take her back.

Quote

she spends all day every day saying she wants her family back and she never wanted him........

She chose this man over her family. She may regret this decision now, but she made her decision… her crocodile tears would mean nothing to me. 

She can work to create a new normal, by being responsible and present in the life of her daughter while living separately. That’s how she gets her family back now - by rebuilding the trust and the relationship with a new boundary in place - living separately/divorced. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

On 6/9/2022 at 1:24 AM, Benben111 said:

- has had problems with hard drugs 

Does your wife have drug or drinking problems? That may be their bond. And explain her dual personality.

[understand50]

Generally, I am in the "Lets try and reconcile camp". In this case, while yes reconciliation is possible, I do not see it in the short term or ever.  Your Wife has much heavy lifting to do until you should think about getting back together.  Have you talked about what YOU expect from her before things could move forward?  What is her plan to better herself and work on the marriage?   Now you have things to do as well, but it is much, much less then what she needs to do.  There are several posts on this site to get her started.  Your old marriage is dead.  If a new marriage can be made, is a long shot, but these odds can be reduced if she is sincerely committed to change and understand why she cheated.  If I where you, I would be very careful with her, and would want to she ACTIONS, and changes in place before I would ever take her back.  This will be a long process, and not a short term thing.  She much understand this. Remember, She did this because she wanted to. 

I wish you luck.

[glows]

I agree with the previous member's notes about reconciliation.

Many will not choose this as you can see you've spent a decade or so with a someone already and it may take a lifetime or more (perhaps never) to ever see enough change. In the meantime life does trickle by and you could be repeating the same issues. The detrimental and biggest risk in reconciliation is there never being any true reconciliation and having time slip by with little to no changes or recurring relapses in behaviour like this (your wife's behaviour). Worse, that your mental, emotional and physical health begins to suffer and you have a child to care for.

I don't think anyone ever ends a marriage permanently not considering reconciliation at some point. You get to the the point of filing for divorce because there is no other choice. Ultimately it's your decision but I would think of your child's wellbeing also. 

[Benben111]

On 6/11/2022 at 11:59 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Does your wife have drug or drinking problems? That may be their bond. And explain her dual personality.

Nope, she has never been someone who drinks alcohol  and certainly has never touched drugs. This is this still the case which I guess makes things worse as she chose to do this with a clear head. 

 

This morning was terrible, whenever I try and talk to her about it she uses the same line 

'Sorry '

'I learn and will try again '

 

stuff like that but with no real emotion. I have missed an important meeting this morning due to our ongoing conversation and over the last few days she has offered nothing but the same replies. 

 

It's time I cut all contact and move on with my daughter. 

[Will am I]

I think you definitely must move on with your daughter.

I recommend you documenting as much of your wife's behavior as you can. It seems there will be a divorce case and you can expect her to have a try at the custody. Be prepared. Have all the nasty stuff black on white. Even if it's only your testimony, a documented log with sufficient details and dates and times has more weight than the other spouse saying "never happened", "all lies" etc. Even if what you documented does not count as court admissable evidence it will still influence the judge in your advantage.

File police reports whenever appropriate. A police report of the threats you received from your wife's AP would make a lovely court piece. Seek legal counsil to help you in thie phase of preparation.

 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ben Ben, from what you have written in your last post it is clear that your wife wants to sweep things under the rug and carry on with your marriage as if nothing had happened in between. That would be a road to disaster and you will repent all your life if you fall into her trap. You have to be firm and decisive about what you want and about your future. You have given your wife ample time and chance to show remorse for what she did to sabotage your marriage. Obviously she is not interested in doing that and just wants you to suck it up and move on. 

Get yourself the best lawyer you can afford and find out all the possibilities and possible outcomes and then take an informed decision but do it in a time bound manner. Do not hesitate and hem and jaw about this crucial matter. As they day, 'Strike while the iron is hot'!. Warm regards

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/13/2022 at 1:27 AM, Benben111 said:

It's time I cut all contact and move on with my daughter. 

This is going to be best. 

Your wife no longer cares about you or the marriage. She isn't there for the right reasons, which will leave you in more pain in the long run. I would consult a lawyer as soon as possible to discuss your options.

[Lalachick429]

Quote

It's time I cut all contact and move on with my daughter. 

Definitely. And please retain legal counsel asap.

The fact that she put your daughter in grave danger (this guy has a rap sheet miles long and God knows what else he has done where he was not caught) alone would make me file for divorce yesterday and petition for sole custody of your daughter. I would at the very least require that your wife attend regular counseling for an extended period before considering otherwise.

You must be your daughter's protector and advocate; she can't do it herself.

Best of luck to you.

[petee]

Just to hit home, was the OP being intimate with his wife on days that she cheated? 
if so was she careful or does he have to go and get tested.

To consider if it’s worth trying again, after she’s plotted to have him attacked would need more forgiveness than most would seek from themselves. 
To me, this is a dead end.