Wife's 16 month Affair

[Benben111]

9 hours ago, petee said:

Just to hit home, was the OP being intimate with his wife on days that she cheated? 
if so was she careful or does he have to go and get tested.

To consider if it’s worth trying again, after she’s plotted to have him attacked would need more forgiveness than most would seek from themselves. 
To me, this is a dead end.

I'm not sure if I was intimate with her on days she cheated as it went on for so long (we actually always had a great sex life so most likely) but she DID NOT use protection with him. According to a message I read, he refused to use condoms as he didn't like them and it was important for him to have his way. 

 

There seems to be threatening message to her early on which is a little strange so not sure why she didn't tell me as I could have helped and contacted the police.

My wife didn't plot to have him attack me but there were multiple messages where he said things like 'if he reads your phone again, tell me and ill go round to sort him out' her reply was 'thanks for looking out for me'

Another saying that 'if your husband doesn't leave us alone I will ensure his punishment is something he will never recover from'. She then replied with something about how she is sorry for bringing me into the AP's life.....totally crazy behavior. and there's a couple more. 

I'm not to worried about his comments as I would just call the police and also as I stated, I'm a friendly chipper person but I boxed/Muay Thai for many years competitively and I know people like him are mostly talk (excluding his assaults' which from the information I have were against his ex wife). so he is a coward because the one time we nearly came face to face he got in his car and drove off. 

I have since been tested and they came back negative so we are all good. 

I do however wish I could get even with him. NOT in a violent way but something that would be amusing for me and also embarrassing for him.....any suggestions. 

[BrinnM]

First: Don't reconcile with your wife.

Second: IF (big if) - IF you want revenge, expose him to his gf - i am sure she’ll make him suffer plenty 

 

[Bryce1905]

Brother move on! your plan B. AP dumped your wife then she wants family back! She must face to consequences..

[2.50 a gallon]

Rule of Thumb, " They always cheat down"

The OM is so much a loser and yet she chose him over you.  What does that tell you?

[Benben111]

28 minutes ago, 2.50 a gallon said:

Rule of Thumb, " They always cheat down"

The OM is so much a loser and yet she chose him over you.  What does that tell you?

Hey, not sure if you’re calling me more of a loser than the AP or not? 

[BrinnM]

I’m sure that’s not what he meant.

[Will am I]

The way I read it, it was pointing out how much you have been disrespected by your wife.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Benben111 said:

Hey, not sure if you’re calling me more of a loser than the AP or not? 

He's not. No one here knows anybody involved in any of these stories typically, so he could be wrong, but quite honestly your wife's AP sounds pretty messed up and frankly so does your wife. Perhaps she got caught up in the "bad boy" thing that some women go for/fetishize, dunno but she certainly went above and beyond a typical affair in trying to get the guy to make you jealous/actively humiliate you. I don't have statistics but THAT sounds pretty unusual for affairs (and is rather foolish as well - even if she turned against you, "don't taunt your enemies" is a principle wise people tend to live by).

Also she is willing to give up custody of her child? That too is, I suspect, extremely rare. From what I've seen in life, many folks would rather be actively horrible and unfit parents than give up custody, particularly women. It sounds like she has "turned a corner" into truly bizarre territory. Is it possible he gave her meth or something or that she has developed a mental illness?  Just speculating, but it sounds like she's become really off the wall. Very unfortunate for you for a spouse to end up like this.

Edited June 16, 2022 by mark clemson

[Benben111]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

He's not. No one here knows anybody involved in any of these stories typically, so he could be wrong, but quite honestly your wife's AP sounds pretty messed up and frankly so does your wife. Perhaps she got caught up in the "bad boy" thing that some women go for/fetishize, dunno but she certainly went above and beyond a typical affair in trying to get the guy to make you jealous/actively humiliate you. I don't have statistics but THAT sounds pretty unusual for affairs (and is rather foolish as well - even if she turned against you, "don't taunt your enemies" is a principle wise people tend to live by).

Also she is willing to give up custody of her child? That too is, I suspect, extremely rare. From what I've seen in life, many folks would rather be actively horrible and unfit parents than give up custody, particularly women. It sounds like she has "turned a corner" into truly bizarre territory. Is it possible he gave her meth or something or that she has developed a mental illness?  Just speculating, but it sounds like she's become really off the wall. Very unfortunate for you for a spouse to end up like this.

You're correct, I read that reply after a long day of meetings and looking after my daughter. I actually reread it this morning. 

Meth was his drug of choice but there is no way I believe she would ever do it, she actually terrified of drugs and doesn't even drink (even now after everything has happened).

I think maybe it is more the case that he is a bad boy, his whole image is based on this and is extremely manipulative as well, blows all his money on nice stuff before reselling it to pay rent. I think she got wrapped up in a life that is totally the opposite of how we lived ours. 

I'm starting to feel sad for her as my new jobs is great and our daughter is top of her class and is very well put together and she will miss out on all the great things that will come our way in future. All for a guy that has ruined every relationship and opportunity that came his way. 

Either way, I have such a solid bond with my daughter and because of this I think she is more than happy to leave me to do all the grunt work during the week before she swoops in one morning a week to watch my daughter play tennis. 

P.S. this forum has actually really helped me vent a little and given me some solid information to think about so thanks everyone. 

[Will am I]

The hardest task for you is to be firm with your wife through divorce, yet at the same time speak highly of her to your daughter and encourage her to bond with her mom.

Your daughter seems to be really on your side and finding her safety zone with you. Parental alienation is a real risk, even if you have no bad intentions to the matter.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/16/2022 at 2:44 AM, Benben111 said:

I do however wish I could get even with him. NOT in a violent way but something that would be amusing for me and also embarrassing for him.....any suggestions. 

This is very unwise. 

Don't do any such thing. It won't go well and will very likely backfire. You're not dealing with a guy who is playing with a full deck, so it would be foolish to provoke him. It also makes you look a little desperate. 

Head high. Your life will be better off without your wife in it, and she can have all the playtime she wants with unstable and bottom-feeding men. 

[Buckeye2]

Quote

I'm starting to feel sad for her 

Actions speak louder than words.   No matter what you tell her, if she doesn’t face consequences she will think that what she did wasn’t that bad.

You need to divorce her now.   If you feel sorry for her, live with her after the divorce.  That way she will know that you are serious.   If she cheats again she will know that you can just walk.

[petee]

Ben, I hope you have a nice holiday booked this year? Just for you and your daughter you need to get away from all the trigger points for a couple of weeks and immerse yourself outwith the grind you have at home now.

Make sure the cheating Mrs know where and for how long.

you need, dare I say it, to move onwards and upwards. Easier said than done, but certainly possible.

indulge!!