FWB - Strange Ending

[Rachael720]

I was friends with a coworker for roughly 3 years, married at the time. We would text/call occasionally, go to lunch, never even flirted just strictly friends. I had advised I was leaving my husband last May 2021 and in the middle of my divorce about a year ago he admitted to being attracted to me and we had a random hookup. We both enjoyed the sex so much it turned into a full year of having sex 2-3 times a month. He lives about an hour and twenty mins from me and I used to have sex and drive home but it turned into spending the night, him making me coffee in the morning, watching movies, we even went out on a few occasions with his friends to parties.

We would FaceTime a few times a month and the conversations would last for hours.. sometimes just talking about random things, not even turning sexual. He said he values our friendship and has opened up immensely while he is a very private person.  I’ve seen that change in him over the past year.

He is 31 and has never had a girlfriend and has never been in love. He says he wants a family and to be married. He is on dating sites but does not go out often. He works very hard and his career is important to him.

I realized about a a few months ago how deep I was in when he disappeared from texting for a few days. I told him it made me feel weird, he apologized, we resumed talking frequently but then it happened again. This time I told him I realized I have feelings because otherwise this shouldn’t be bothering me. He has never ignored me, always responds to my texts and often even calls to clear things up. He said that he has feelings for me more than just sexual but in the same breath that we cannot be in a relationship. Also blamed working together. 

We talked on the phone for a while as I was ending it and I cried of course. I told him right now I can’t be his friend and still talk frequently. He sounded legitimately confused when i said you can't text me. He didn’t understand why we could not talk, text and be a part of each other’s lives still. He said he understands the sex is done but doesn’t want me out of his life. He would still want to go out with coworkers or friends when he is in town.

After the call he text me a paragraph apologizing explained how bad he felt. Said maybe this is what he needs to realize Im filling a void, said he was even crying and took a pic of himself in tears. He then started to talk about clothes and shoes he bought this week for summer. I said they were nice and that’s how it ended.

Am I crazy or is that a really strange way to end things? Maybe he is just a really nice person but I can’t help but still think he will reach out going forward and I just need to move on and ignore him correct? I’m hurting so badly but I anticipated him being on board with a clean break and no contact, not checking in on me and questioning why we can’t call or text. 

Edited June 9, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Rachael720 said:

  I told him right now I can’t be his friend and still talk frequently. 

Do you still work together? Is your divorce final? Perhaps he thought it was just a fling while you were in the throes of divorce and went along with you that you want to end things.

Take some time to reflect and heal from your divorce.

[basil67]

No, it's not a strange ending.  We can never predict how another person will react to us ending a formal/informal relationship.  Some want to stay friends, some disappear, some get angry or scary and others may come and go.  All we can do is deal with each one on an individual basis.

[Rachael720]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you still work together? Is your divorce final? Perhaps he thought it was just a fling while you were in the throes of divorce and went along with you that you want to end things.

Take some time to reflect and heal from your divorce.

Yes my divorce has been final for a few months now. It was my decision to divorce as well. We do still work together and he also said that when he comes to the office next that he wanted to see me in person which is about two weeks. You are correct, just feeling very hurt and hopeless right now. 

[glows]

He’s never been in a relationship so it’s not surprising that he seems like he doesn’t know what to do once it ends. Regardless, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and you’re hurt/emotional from the fall out so decline any other meetings. He’ll eventually get the point that you’re not available.

Date outside of work when you’re feeling ready again. This will pass. Hang in there. 

[Rachael720]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

He’s never been in a relationship so it’s not surprising that he seems like he doesn’t know what to do once it ends. Regardless, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and you’re hurt/emotional from the fall out so decline any other meetings. He’ll eventually get the point that you’re not available.

Date outside of work when you’re feeling ready again. This will pass. Hang in there. 

Thank you! Sometimes talking it out just helps. Very emotional day for me yesterday and I appreciate the feedback! 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Rachael720 said:

Thank you! Sometimes talking it out just helps. Very emotional day for me yesterday and I appreciate the feedback! 

Welcome. This isn’t worth beating yourself up over. Also, I didn’t find anything particularly strange about the ending. He seems inexperienced, naive, inappropriate but everyone learns and the important part is that you start taking care of yourself. Adjust to being single and find your independence. You jumped from the kettle to the frying pan with a rebound romance. Now you’re free so be free. Don’t fear it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it's too strange, considering how inexperienced he is. 

My guess is that he doesn't have those romantic feelings for you, so for him it's no problem to continue being buddies and it hasn't occurred to him that it will hurt you too much. He isn't really seeing this from your point of view. A guy with more experience would recognize that it would send you the wrong message to be friends after this. I am going to assume (hope) that he doesn't have malicious intent and isn't just trying to keep you warm in hopes of getting more sex. I would stand your ground here and not try to be buds. Cut contact from here on out, or it's going to lead you to more pain. 

But I have to ask - was it always you making the drive to him? Did he ever come to yours? It sounds little one-sided, if I'm being honest, which may have been your first clue that your feelings weren't mutual (as well as him going quiet for days) 

 

[Rachael720]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think it's too strange, considering how inexperienced he is. 

My guess is that he doesn't have those romantic feelings for you, so for him it's no problem to continue being buddies and it hasn't occurred to him that it will hurt you too much. He isn't really seeing this from your point of view. A guy with more experience would recognize that it would send you the wrong message to be friends after this. I am going to assume (hope) that he doesn't have malicious intent and isn't just trying to keep you warm in hopes of getting more sex. I would stand your ground here and not try to be buds. Cut contact from here on out, or it's going to lead you to more pain. 

But I have to ask - was it always you making the drive to him? Did he ever come to yours? It sounds little one-sided, if I'm being honest, which may have been your first clue that your feelings weren't mutual (as well as him going quiet for days) 

 

Thank you! It helps to listen from someone else’s perspective. It hasn’t even been 24 hours and he did text me again just sharing more photos of him trying on clothes. It is difficult not to reply. 
 

I agree it was one sided. He came up to me a handful of times and initiated contact 90% of the time but as far as travel and effort you are correct. I kept thinking “he just doesn’t know what to do” but when you like someone you it would be natural. It was hard for me to hear that he does have feelings but won’t date, I just never had a situation like this before. 
 

Thank you again for the reply! 

[stillafool]

On 6/9/2022 at 3:22 AM, Rachael720 said:

Am I crazy or is that a really strange way to end things? Maybe he is just a really nice person but I can’t help but still think he will reach out going forward and I just need to move on and ignore him correct? I’m hurting so badly but I anticipated him being on board with a clean break and no contact, not checking in on me and questioning why we can’t call or text. 

I don't think it's that strange.  I think he talked about his new summer clothes as a way to dial it back to friendship and lighten up the conversation.  It's a bit awkward saying good bye after a break.