Friends in a tense situation

[Alpacalia]

When you're in the middle of a tense situation between two female friends who are on the outs with each other, what's the best response?

The obvious thing to do is to not get involved.

The problem is that I'm kind of caught between the two because they both mention it to me from time-to-time.

There was an incident that occurred where a female friend I have known for over 15 years (my best friend) and another female friend I have known for almost as long (who is also my realtor) who are also friends with each other got into a pretty heated dispute. I wasn't there when this happened.

Sarah (not her real name) has, for example, asked, "Did you hear what happened between Jane (not her real name) and me?". Similarly, Jane told me that she and Sarah had gotten into a heated argument and that they were no longer speaking to each other. Then Jane explained her side of the story to me.

Even though I am trying my best to remain neutral, they have mentioned it themselves several times already, and I am going to have coffee with one of them soon, and I am concerned that they will bring it up.

I want to be supportive of both. But do I just nod my head and let them talk about it when they bring it up, or is there a better approach?

Edited June 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Mrin]

As a dude I try to stay as still as possible. They react to movement. 😉

That is a no win situation. Wait until she stops speaking and say things like, "that must be hard" and "I'm here for you" and "would you like support". Then think about hockey and pizza if it gets too overwhelming.

[basil67]

 Do they both know that you've stayed friends with the other?  If so I'd say something along the lines of "I understand that you're still upset/angry about what happened with X, however I am still their friend and am really uncomfortable when I hear them being criticised" 

It's OK to put your own feelings first.

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Do they both know that you've stayed friends with the other? 

Yes, they both know that I am still friends with the other.

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If so I'd say something along the lines of "I understand that you're still upset/angry about what happened with X, however I am still their friend and am really uncomfortable when I hear them being criticised" 

It's OK to put your own feelings first.

Thanks.

It's an odd situation since at first my realtor friend told me they stopped speaking for reasons that my best friend never even mentioned. My realtor friend complained that my best friend made up tall tales about her, and I cannot imagine that being something my best friend would do.

My loyalty is to my best friend, however, my realtor friend has been a good friend to me as well.

We are also in a professional relationship, and I value her professional expertise.

 

[basil67]

It definitely needs to be handled with tact, but don't forget that both of them are being thoughtless with their actions.   Don't put your own discomfort aside to allow their thoughtlessness.  

[giotto]

Just keep out, if at all possible. Just say you are friends with both and you don't want to spoil your friendship with neither of them, regardless of who's right or wrong, in your opinion.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 do I just nod my head and let them talk about it when they bring it up, or is there a better approach?

Why not ask: "Have you spoken to her about this?" That puts the ball back in their courts rather than trying to make you the sounding board.

[glows]

They may both be good friends to you but it doesn't mean that their issues become your issues. Have better boundaries and tell them that you enjoy spending time with each of them but they need to sort it out on their own and don't involve you. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, glows said:

They may both be good friends to you but it doesn't mean that their issues become your issues.

Yes. It could burn you out being the referee in their situation. That is why direct deflection such as "have you spoken to her about that?" would work to get out of the line of their crossfire.

[glows]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. It could burn you out being the referee in their situation. That is why direct deflection such as "have you spoken to her about that?" would work to get out of the line of their crossfire.

Perhaps. Not if they go on and on and don't take the hint. Directness is usually best.

[Foxhall]

Encourage both of them to accept keeping their distance from each other for the next number of weeks

 

then try to subtly arrange a reunion say towards the end of the year,

one party is always a bit more disadvantaged or traumatised in these type of situations,

so be mindful of that -at least showing your support for that friend especially.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

Encourage both of them to accept keeping their distance from each other for the next number of weeks

 

then try to subtly arrange a reunion say towards the end of the year,

one party is always a bit more disadvantaged or traumatised in these type of situations,

so be mindful of that -at least showing your support for that friend especially.

The two of them are no longer speaking, and I do not foresee that changing anytime soon.

Sincerely, I like your idea of getting them together for a reunion, but it's not something I want to get involved in.

Thank you, everyone for your comments.

These are all excellent suggestions.

Definitely something that needs tact on my part. I agree I need to best establish firmer boundaries with these two and not become a sounding board for them and getting caught up in the flow.

 

[ShyViolet]

You are right, you need to stay out of it.  If one of them (or both of them) insist on talking about it to you, and bad-mouthing the other person, then you need to shut that down and let them know that you aren't interested in engaging in that conversation.  I would say, "Hey, you know that I am still friends with so-and-so.  And so I am not going to engage in a negative conversation about her... it's probably best that we not talk about this."

[Alpacalia]

Yes, I agree @ShyViolet.

This realtor friend did not attack my best friend directly, but she stated that my best friend fabricated a story about her (which I find hard to believe). She tried to find out what my best friend had told me about why they had stopped talking. I later explained that my best friend didn't tell me much (which she really didn't) just that there was an argument. 

That seemed to work pretty well.

After my conversation with the realtor friend, I have not spoken with my best friend since that time and I doubt I will mention it to her but it's frustrating because we're all a part of the same friend group and now things are going to be awkward.

These two had been friends for 20 years or so, so it's a bummer.